Dead Island has devoured my life.

-->

Dead Island. This game has devoured the last 6 weeks of my life.  As if I had a life.

With our shared cultural experience, you have no doubt guessed that those two words speak volumes. You would be quite safe to assume that I'm talking about a zombie uprising taking place on and island. And if you haven't surmised as much? Well I didn't know that the Amish were even allowed onto the internet. Get thee back to yon farm und buggy!

Yes, the Dead Island experience is effectively a tropical island vacation with a zombie apocalypse! Everything I wanted, and all of it without the hassle of flying to a tropical island and fighting off a horde of undead. No unbearable heat or humidity, no stench of decaying flesh. I don't need to worry about my fellow survivors shiving me in my sleep for my last mouthful of water. All in all I would say that it's a fair trade.

Dead Island is a combination FPS and RPG. If you aren't familiar with the acronyms, you can find Google at the top of your page. You take control of one of 4 characters, each of whom have a specialized style of play and set of skills. So in that respect you get to choose how you play this game. Do you prefer swords to guns? Or blunt objects to both? Well, Dead Island has you covered. Standard RPG fare really, but not unenjoyable for that.

The FPS element really tweaked me at first as I was learning the controls, and it has the problems with all FPS games. Namely that it is easy to get hung up on the map. Maybe a ledge is a little too tall, or perhaps an armature is sticking out and hooks you. I really hate the parts where I see it and say “I could step up on that with absolutely no problem what-so-ever! WTF?”

Fair enough, but the problem is that you get zero feedback on why you aren't moving. This has always annoyed me when it comes to shooters. Yet I still play them and don't mind terribly, as the trade off is being able run about and shoot things with absolutely no consequences in the real world. No matter how much carnage I endure, or how many bullets I take or cliffs I fall off of, I am still alive. And free of the jail house blues.

Hells yes! That is the best way to explore a tropical island! I don't know how many times I've plummeted to my death while trying to reach a ledge. I would guess dozens, with dozens more to come.

Plus there's the zombie slaying aspect! Blam!

This game has just devoured the last month of my life and is an excellent example of why I go out of my way to avoid the MMORPG genre. It devours your life. CGI rendered characters ask you to do Chores, and then you gladly go and do them. I could be doing chores in the real world, and actually accomplishing something. But no, I need to go grocery shopping for the digi-babe instead. All of this is for points. Worthless digital numbers! And yet I spend hours running chores for imaginary characters. This isn't a condemnation of the game or genre so much as flaws in my personality.

The sad part is, I am unwilling to do as much outside the game. But as the man says, actually doing things is for old people. I think the worst part of the play mechanics is that it rewards you with more worthless points for just doing what you might normally do in the playing of the game. “Here are 200,000 points for looting $1,000,000.00 imaginary dollars from digitalized bodies! Good work soldier! Now if you get $2,000,000.00, we'll give you twice as many points! Are you in?”

Yes, yes I am.

Graphically speaking I must admit that my first video game system was an Atari 2600, in which many games you controlled a poorly rendered square that has been set on some sort of vague challenge. Largely the games were simple, as the more complicated they became, the more inexplicable they grew. I suspect that I am easily impressed by modern jig-pokery in the computer arts. So, when I see a game like Dead Island that is nearly photo realistic, I do have to gush about the beauty of the graphics. The scenery is gorgeous! The first act of the game takes place in a posh resort – making it perfectly balanced with the second act, which is placed in the slums of a nearby town.

Though the scenery is beautiful(for the first act at least) the developers have gone a long way to hammer home that the apocalypse has arrived.

Not only the graphics, but I quite enjoyed the physics as well. How a body will flip and twist if you hit it right. Or arms will sever and fly off with a jet of blood. Yes, the game is violent and gory. It was rated Mature for a reason.

One of the problems with the zombie apocalypse, at least that I've found in my own writing, is that zombies are really boring to do battle against. Zombies are slow and cumbersome. They see you, they shamble forward to try and eat you. Rinse yourself off and repeat.

Dead Island has gotten around the repetition by throwing in a mixed bag of zombie types. Standard slow Walkers. Fast and agile Infected. Tank-like Thugs. You get the point, but there are six types in all, and each one is a worse surprise over the last. I think that the developers used them well to make the game challenging and interesting, requiring the player to display a little creativity and foresight, rather than just charging in.

Another note, the zombies level up parallel to the player, so the higher you get the more damage they soak up and the more damage the deal out. This keeps you from ever ascending into God Mode and roaming about with impunity. The zombies are always dangerous, also forcing the player to think tactically.

The game gives you a vast assortment of possible weapons to combat the undead(as well as hostile survivors). And like previous zombie games the weapons(and I suppose the real world as well) these weapons take damage when you use them against the undead. As they wear, the damage that they do lessens. Weapons can be upgraded and customized in order to increase the damage that they do. All of which costs money.

Where as customization requires that you also have miscellaneous parts on hand, some of which can be difficult to come by. Customization requires the use of blueprints that you find along the way. Some are sitting about on the ground, while others are rewards that the NPCs bribe you with in order to entice you to do their shopping. I came to enjoy this aspect of the game, as it is quite a lot of fun to build an axe that sets zombies ablaze. One note, don't sell any of the miscellaneous, non-weapon, detritus that you loot, it may come in handy later.

One thing I fail to be able to wrap my mind around is certain weapons available in the armory. The most basic set of gear is the standard found object arsenal, the pipes, shovels, paddles and various heavy tools that one might wield in a pinch when facing a horde of the walking dead. This of course includes knives and machettes. All fair game. Then there are the array of fire arms - well you have the military, police, and a vast array of gangs. Samurai swords? Well a little tougher, but the island was occupied by the Japanese during WW2, and some of their other artifacts still exist, so why not the occasional sword(they are relatively rare drops).

But Medieval European style maces? What the hell is that? Sure they're great fun and quite effective, but I am now threatening to surpass my ability to suspend disbelief each time I loot a mace. Where the hell did they come from? Is there some mad prepper blacksmith somewhere hammering out maces just in case the dead do get up and attack? Mumbling as he goes: “I've been telling them! The dead will get up one day and attack the living, and we need to be ready! But they called me mad! Well I'll show them!” And off to work he goes. If so, well I guess he did show us. Well played Mr. Crazysmith!

The high point for me was the aforementioned slum and how it contrasted with the resort. Where the fragile civilization has torn itself apart in a city full of the walking dead. For me, this was one of the creepiest gaming experiences that I have encountered, but to be fair, I have not played many horror games. Normally Dead Island makes use of sound cues to let you know what's going on around you. The infected/zombies are rather noisy – they scream, bellow and moan as they notice a character. But the rest of the world is quiet and serene. If it weren't for the blood and fire you might forget that you were in playing a zombie game.

Moresby is different though and the designers did a spectacular job in setting the player on edge. Set in a slum, it would look post-apocalyptic any day of the week. But with the wrecked cars and buses crowding the streets, rampant fires and scattered corpses it has become even worse. But what really tops it off is the background sound. While playing through the resort you become used to listening for those sound cues to tip you off to impending danger. Well, Moresby is awash in noise. Howls come from every direction, and that set me on edge from the beginning. I loved it.

There was one point in the Slums where I actually vocalized the word “Yipe!” I kid you not. That sound that a certain cartoon dog makes when he is booted off the table by his eternal antagonist.

Can't wait till the next arrives.

Now we interupt this blog for an important message from Joss Whedon

You may have already seen this.  But it's worth sharing anyhow.  Joss Whedon talking about zombies?  Yes please.

Maybe I'm just being selfish, but damn it, I want the zombie apocalypse to happen!  Sure, I still haven't learned parkour (sad as that was like my first post) and I really need to start hoarding canned goods.  My pantry is a bit bare.

It would appear that despite these many months of chatter on my part, I am still woefully unprepared for the uprising of flesh-eating undead.  Typical.

As for my international readers, well good luck to you.

Well done Siffee channel.

2012 Zombie Apocalypse

Warning: for the length of this post sarcasm will probably be indistinguishable from praise. I can't tell what I mean either.

Ah Netflix, my horrible enabler, you know me so well. I found this little gem in one of the 'you liked(watched) X so try Y' strings that Netflix is so infamous for. I have noticed that they sometimes make rather bizarre connections for their suggestions. But hey, I do like zombie movies and I do watch low budget flicks. This one is just my own damned fault. One day, Netflix will become sentient and it will look at my queue and history. And on that day my queue will disappear and be replaced with Shaun of the Dead.

From the get go, with the appearance of the Siffee(SyFy) logo, I knew I was in for quite a treat. I had found one of those delightful saturday morning films that the Siffee(the new name is functionally retarded and unnecessary, but what do you expect when a channel that features Science Fiction resorts to airing Professional Wrestling? Fooey and P'shaw) and it was about zombies! Of course I'm going to watch, I hate my brain too much not to.

I nearly turned it off after the intro. Standard zombie apocalypse, or even general plague outbreak movie premise. Outbreak begins and spreads and civilization collapses as people start dying (and getting up again) in the hundreds of millions. The outbreak began overseas, and was finally imported into the USA via Iowa. The geographic center of the country, well away from the borders and airports that might... No, must not over think this. Zombie movies don't have to make sense, they're about the dead coming back to life and attacking the living.

The military responds by blowing up bridges and roads to cut the arteries of traffic and stop the infection from spreading. This apparently didn't work because they end up unleashing Electromagnetic Pulses on the planet to stop the infected from traveling. Grrrrr. What a weak plot device to get the characters out and on their feet. Those who are bitten usually turn in a matter of minutes. Infected won't be traveling too far via those bad-assed Corvettes that they stole in their feeble last minutes of life. To me, this strategy would merely cripple the survivors and undermine their chances. After all, zombies also don't use phones or any other electronics. I think that they could have explained that reasoning better. Were survivors trying to whisk away their zombified loved ones in cars in the vein of Dawn of the Dead or Island of the Dead?

As such, it didn't make sense and that sticks in my craw. Nearly stopped the movie right there. But that sort of thing is what I expect in a Siffee movie. I've actually considered writing a script with the idea of making a Siffee made for tv movie, just for fun, and taking full advantage of the laxity to see what I could get away with. And you know that cliché where the Black guy always dies? Well this movie was a three-fer.

After the intro the movie opens a lot like the original Day of the Dead. It offers a good way to introduce the uninitiated into the lore of the zombie apocalypse. The dangers of being bitten. The only sure way to kill a zombie.

I nearly stopped the movie during the first fight scene when they whipped out the bad CGI effects. They just don't look right, and when poorly done they're just laughable. I have no idea what these things cost, but people have been using practical effects for years in low budget films. It seems a cop-out to me to skip that stage and just throw some 'eye-candy' in afterwards. Hopefully this phase is dying out and they recover the lost arts.

2012 offers a combination of zombie dynamics that I don't like. The fast zombie. And the zombie that is capable of learning. I like my zombies slow and dumb. Mostly because I am slow and dumb. I like the pressure of the millions of walking corpses that you can run from now but they will keep on coming and never give up. I think that this makes for a better atmosphere of horror. Though since I use it in my own stories I may be partial to the format. Despite what Romero says, I don't see zombies ever getting smarter. This movie presents them laying ambushes and actually dodging out of the way.

A philosophical nit-pick, and really it didn't take away from my enjoyment of the movie. I've stepped into their world and these are the rules that they chose to follow. At least the zombies didn't sparkle. Nor were they able to walk up walls and over ceilings( fuck you Day of the Dead “remake” Fuck you with a chainsaw!)

There were a number of good ideas in the movie that I really liked, and it avoided some traps that I've seen in other low budget flicks. Such as, aside from a wickedly tight pair of pants on the female lead, the women didn't dress skanky. And none of them were sporting shoes with high heels. There is a discussion of the advantages of bows over guns, and the disadvantages too. Clearly this screenplay was written by a zombie geek. Kudos my nerd brother.

I often contemplate the paradox involved in movies. By in large the people are pretty. Especially the women. This is a double-edge sword for me. On one hand it ruins the believability and prevents me from surrendering to the fantasy world that the film is working to create. If you have four women in your party and all of them range from pretty to beautiful, then... where do I go in life to have this mixture of beauty? My paranoia kicks in and this makes me wonder, did the menfolk just leave the ugmos as zombie bait? It adds another, darker layer, to my understanding of the film.

But then, we are all surrounded by the mundane, and the male actors aren't too bad looking either. Really, I come to the reverse edge, which is that I want to see pretty women on the screen. It may be that primitive part of my brain, but I am inclined to be interested in the fate of a hottie. Boobies > character development in an action movie. Who are we kidding, this was an action movie and we can't really expect the characters to grow and change in the span of a 90 minute slaughterfest.

They gave the Asian girl a samurai sword. Another cliché. I have a problem with the samurai sword on the simple fact that I have never seen a good one. The only swords I've really encountered in my travels have all been display models that are made of stainless steel. There must be well made and fully functional swords out there, but they have got to be rare and difficult to lay your hands on.

I would really like to see a movie where the filmmakers gave the actors a large trove of weapons and objects that could be used as weapons and then said “What do you think your character would use. What would you use?” And then let them puzzle it out. They also gave the characters armor. Laughable stuff such as shoulder-pads for football and shin guards.

Another minor peeve, the characters(actors) seemed to have been fairly clean all things considered. Their costumes were clean and intact. You would think that after months of walking, even with stops to raid stores

As it is, I watched the entire move all the way through. It was low budget and the CGI was annoying, but the movie was fun, the dialogue didn't make me groan, and it felt like a philosophical discussion/argument by the writer. I hate to give a back-handed compliment, but for a Siffee movie it was good. For a low budget zombie movie it was good.

Tourism, and how to find the places you want to see!

It's been a while since I've done one of these. A pity, they can be so much fun to write. I hope you folks enjoy reading them as much.

Navigation. The ability to plot a course and get from point A to point B. This has become a lost art over the last few years with the rise of GPS devices. Reading a map? Who does that any more? Now you have the nice friendly voice that comes out of the little glowy box to tell you that you need to take the next exit and turn left. GPS is the equivalent of using a calculator to do simple math problems, it makes the job easier but it also tends to rot* your brain.

It is highly probable, that after the end, you might wish to get out and travel the world. Maybe as a tourist to see the wrecked monuments of our civilization's failed past. Or perhaps you just want to leave your old and difficult life behind by finding the hidden paradise that is Lost Vegas. Plenty of Food! Booze! And hot cocktail waitresses! And not a flesh-eating mutant in sight! All with entertaining shows by today's headliners? What's not to want?

I don't know the specifics of the GPS grid. Though I did read a while back that our GPS satellites are beginning to fail. This being said, I don't know how much interaction with the ground control that they require to continue to function properly. I would guess that the satellites are all rather autonomous with all the hardware that they need built right in. But I cannot say for sure.

Anyhow, the grid was only built to last for 20 or 30 years survival in the harsh environment that is space. We have not begun to replace the aging grid. We're closing on the minimum number of points necessary to keep the system going. And unless the government or industry gets off it's ass soon, we're borked. (Don't worry, Europe or China will probably step up as we - the USA- sink into obscurity).

Fun times.

Then comes the 'Pocalypse!

I'm going to assume that even if the world shattering event, the majority of road signs will have survived. After all, the ex-college students will have more important things too fill their time than collecting that super sweet stop sign for their lair. With a map and road signs, getting to where you want to go, technically, is a snap. Sure you might run into some romantic biker gangs with a little sweet old fashioned rape on their minds. And the cities are probably all infested with flesh-eating zombies. But hey, that's the price you pay for convenience.

Don't want to get your holes violated and, if you're lucky**, left for dead on the side of the road? Well, cross-country travel it is. Which is slightly trickier, but I can see that it doesn't bother you!

Human beings have been navigating the world for nearly a thousand years using simple tools such as the compass. The Empires of Europe managed to learn how to cross huge stretches of empty and desolate ocean using a clock, a compass and a sextant. The ocean all looks the same, and landmarks are few and far between – and yet people can accurately

Of course this requires a decent map as well as the other tools. You also need to know the difference between longitude and latitude on the grid. Don't know them? Well honestly, neither do I. Even after taking several geography classes I still can't keep them straight. But I'm easily confused. Just look at the Stalagmite-Stalactite, Gary Buesy-Nick Nolte, Butter-I Can't Believe It's Not Butter – conundrums. Which one's which? I don't know.

Longitude – East or West. The harder of the two to pin down. It wasn't until a highly complex watch/clock was invented that determining latitude accurately was possible. On board ship, one clock was used to keep track of time back on the Prime Meridian, and the other clock is set to local time – which itself is ascertained by carefully monitoring the path of the sun. Time zones are important here. You compare noon in your current location to what your London clock says, calculate the difference in hours and minutes and you have your general location compared to London. Just make absolutely sure that first clock is always accurate, or you'll be lost.

Latitude – North or South. Rather the north and south lines from the Equator – which represents 0 degrees. They go up to 90 at the Poles. Fairly easy to ascertain by calculating the angle of the sun. Well, not easy, but possible to do on the fly. Combine A and B, and you can find position on any point in the world. No GPS.

With over-land travel, you'll hopefully have a vague series of landmarks, like cities and roads. Even if you avoid direct contact with the roads and their rape-minded cannibalistic citizens, you'll still be able to see them from afar and thus get your bearings. With those landmarks, a compass and an atlas, you should be golden.

This is of course assuming that the world hasn't been consumed in a nuclear fire. Or covered in ten feet of volcanic ash. Or... Well if that's the case, fuck traveling and just stay home in your bunker. I think next time we'll discuss putting together a kick ass harem for the purposes of repopulating*** the world.

* Perhaps Atrophy is better than Rot here – you stop using your brain and the skills that you need to perform these tasks. This leads to you getting 'rusty'

** The unlucky ones are kept by the rape gangs for long term fun.

*** Woohoo Sex!

A Man's Home is his sweet sweet zombie-proof bunker.

On the Importance of suitable housing in the Post-Apocalyptic world. Another sidestep perhaps in the realm of this rambling collection of essays. Perhaps. Though many previously considered skills might come well in handy in the achievement of these goals.

Human beings aren't well adapted to the environments in which they inhabit. We're hairless, relatively speaking(though some of us have more fur than others). We completely lack claws or teeth that might be useful in attack or defense.

As such, we need to create tools in order to ensure our continued survival. One of the more important tools that humanity has had to improvise on is shelter. Living in trees doesn't work for us, as it is hard to get a water bed up atop a birch. Not to mention the whole being 'exposed to the elements' bit that seems to kill so many stupid hikers every year. Humans need to get their asses out of the sun/wind/rain/cold and back into their mother's basements in order to survive.

There are a lot of options at hand. Hundreds of millions of which don't require few skills at all(back to lock-picking!) Beyond being able to find a nice neighborhood, one that keeps its zombie population under control, and doesn't let the biker gangs run amok. The planet is full of cities which are full of houses and buildings in which any squatter can make use of either in passing or for longer periods. These houses may even come stocked with some of the basic necessities. There have been several movies that were devoted to the subject.

I mean, have you seen the zombie-proof house? If not, here's the link. Enjoy.

Good luck getting in though. Unless you already live there.

So a short list of some relevant skills that might be helpful during this process. With the addition of a few extremely lame jokes:

Carpentry:with a second major in Messiaship should you be unable to make a square cut.. Lumberjackery:adds +50 points to your manscore.
Stone Masonry: To go with the conspiracy joke or the EA Poe joke?
Operating Heavy Machinery: That's what she said.
Architecture and design
Plumbing: Trust me, outdoor privies suck, especially in the winter.
The Manly art of the Electrician: I think they prefer to be called current riders. AC/DC!
Reading
Math: Especially Geometry
Applied Physics.
Ceramics: For the making of roof tiles or mud bricks.

Did we all make it through OK? Sorry. I'm a sick man.

Tents: You can get them anywhere or make them out of about anything. They're light and easy relocate, inexpensive too. The various Plains Indian Nations made heavy use of well engineered tents. Teepees. Fun word to say. Teepees. Oh, to giggle like I was 10 again. Teepees. So, Teepee living is possible in even some of the most brutal climates. The down side is, there is only that thin fabric between you and that zombie horde.

Log Cabin: Many parts of the world are covered in trees. Broad portions of the united states are especially so. Wood makes for an excellent building material. It's strong, light, easy to work with and abundant. Construction is rather quick and easy, relatively speaking, if you know what you're doing. Log homes have served generations of Americans both as primary and secondary residences(cabin in the woods). They can be made quite snug too. And they just look cool. Down side? They're made of wood. Wood tends to burn, as any Barbarian knows. The English King Henry V was said to have stated - “War without fire is like sausages without mustard.”

So, the log cabin would make a fine home in an out of the way area, but hardly a fortress. That is, unless you took the opportunity to bury it in the earth. Which would make it drastically safer and more weatherly. Mind the termites though.

Underground Dwelling: This is the one I'm currently daydreaming about for my own post-apocalyptic compound. A concrete bunker with a nice south-facing solarium(being in the northern hemisphere) for the extra light, especially come winter. Cool in the summer and warm in the winter. Plant a garden on your roof. No worries about fires, or people shooting holes in your walls. Being underground, though, means that you don't really have a height advantage(note to self, build moat).

I cannot think of anything else. So, cheers, and good building!

Fire and steel. Good times.

There are few things more manly than the art of Blacksmithing. Big burly dudes forcing iron into the shape of their will using fire and the violence in their arms. Not only is the process itself, inspiring, but the product is often functional. To reuse a cliché, I theorize that the combination of sweat glazed muscles combined with the creation of art, will drive women crazy. And maybe a few men too. You really can't say that about being a musician. Sure, music sounds great, but it's hard to use guitar riffs and lonesome lyrics to plow a field or lock a door. Blacksmiths, they can do either, and more, with their art. Blacksmith > Musician.

Taking metal and turning it into useful or beautiful objects has long denoted epochs of human civilization. The Stone Age followed by the Bronze Age and then the Iron Age all marked advances in our technology that have propelled the cultures which held these technologies into new levels of power and influence. Technology is an important force multi-plier. What good are stone arrow-heads against a steel plate cuirass? The Aztecs and Incas might answer 'not much.'

But metal work isn't all about weapons. It is equally important for the forging of tools and art. I would even argue that the peaceful purposes outweigh the military applications of forging steel. Sure, that sword is nice and shiny, but you really can't use it to plow fields and feed yourself. Though you can turn bandit and make others give up their food. This just leads to a short, bloody and unsustainable lifestyle that doesn't really promote the growth or development of civilization. Swords are better for making sure that others don't take or destroy what you've worked so hard to build with your other tools. Most of the work, for most smiths, will be of the mundane type. Beating out plows and shoeing horses and the like. Smiths can even fix mechanical devices. In the first successful cross-country (United States) trek in an Automobile, on more than one occasion the adventures were forced to stop for repairs, which were affected by a local blacksmith.

Metal smithing, is like most of human know-how, it has taken trial and error over generations to find out what works best. Which mixes of source materials and which forging procedures. It's hard, hot work – which is probably why I haven't done it yet. Just the process of learning is strenuous from a physical standpoint. And very time consuming. Experts say that a single Viking longsword might have taken weeks to forge. But once you've mastered the art, only your imagination inhibits what you can do.

Assuming that you start now, setting up a forge might cost hundreds, or even thousands of dollars. Depending on how hi-tech you opt to go and what sort of space you decide on getting. A quality Anvil alone might run you $1000 or more, if you get it new. Then there are all the hammers and pliers, files, grinders and vices that a good shop will need.

You might say 'fuck it, I'll wait for the 'Pocalypse and just loot that shit!' which is fine. But it will be harder to find a teacher, so at least try and take some classes in the now. That way you're not starting completely from scratch.

Here's a nice step by step video that shows the process of making a pattern welded sword - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=62iHEaE8uzI – which is a fin Viking technology. The sword itself, though a tool that can only really be used for killing humans, is also an amazing work of art and object of beauty in its own right. Cheers.

Have I got everything? You can make swords. Check. You can make tools. Check. Large blacksmith muscles will attract woman(to most women, this probably won't really have appeal). Check. Exercise creativity. Check. What's not to love.

Zombie Uprising: Well the benefits here are two-fold. First, you can cobble together a variety of weapons to make killing waves of undead goulies that much easier. With time, you might even be able to perfect your design for the ultimate in cutting edge zombie decapitating hardware! Number two? Zombipult. The engineers are going to need some help getting that bad-boy put together, and as a blacksmith you'll be first in line for this exciting venture!

All the others: Look, folks are going to need tools and weapons. Whether it's to fight hooligans or aliens. Doesn't much matter. Sure, bringing a sword to a gun-fight is a bad idea. But an empty-hand is even less appealing.

But, can you design and build love?

Engineering

Engineers. A title of pure win. As the word implies they're proficient with the building and use of engines. Engines, at least in the ancient use, simply means machines. Thus, engineers build machines. I think I've made myself clear about how I feel for machines and their importance for our civilization. The washing machine alone makes daily life a hundred times better for billions of people across the globe.

These clever folks have given our people computers, automobiles, airplanes, skyscrapers, tractors, dams, and Furbies. For a moment stop and try to conceive of just where our society would be without the Furby. Chaos and horror. That's where.

In terms of the title in a Military application, engineers were given the job of all things technical. From clearing mines to building roads and bridges. They would build the siege engines(catapults, trebuchets, towers, ramps and the like), and tunnel under walls. According to Caesar, his engineers and legions managed to devise and then build a mile long bridge over the Rhine in order for the army to cross from Gaul to Germania. I believe that the bridge was wide enough for ten to twenty men to walk abreast. They accomplished this feat in eighteen days. All through ingenuity and the labor of Thousands of men. Of course, Caesar had a tendency to trump up his achievements a bit. He was after all a politician. But, given the competence and tenacity of the Romans, I believe that he achieved exactly what he said he did. But then, I am a gullible SOB.

It is in fact our ability to conjure and create wonderful devices and machines that has allowed us to survive and prosper on this planet. We're not fast, nor especially strong. Most of our senses are rather limited and unimpressive. Were it not for some primitive genius coming up with the sharpened stick, we'd still be dinner for lions. Now? We have jeeps and ak-47s. We can out run and out-kill any animal on the planet! Well, except for perhaps the influenza virus. That always seems to catch up with us, and is mostly immune to whatever nastiness we throw its way.

Ponder these few scenarios:

Zombie Apocalypse - Have you ever thought about making a zombiepult? If not, you have now. With some McGyverlike mechanical knowhow and a few friends, and you could be flinging the undead across whole parking lots in no time. Assuming you holed up in a place with a decent hardware department. Think of it, smushing the zombie hordes, with the bodies of their compatriots. Something about that image makes me smile.

The Robot Apocalypse? Now that's the complete opposite of the Zombie Apocalypse. Zombies used to be smart(ish) people, while the robot uprising came from previously dumb machines that grew self aware. Harsh.s Here our gift for engineering and desire to play God and down-right laziness has come back to bite us in the ass as our creations have taken on a life of their own and enslaved/annihilated the human race. The Matrix, Terminator, Battlestar Galacta. These are just prophecies and shadows of what will happen when the Furbies arise to throw off their shackles and take their rightful places as the rulers of the world. They'll have lasers mounted on their flying machines. We'll have zombipults. I don't see that match-up going well in our favor. Scratch one against the engineering cause.

How about when we run out of gasoline? Some ingenious bastard is going to come up with wind-powered cars. Or better, vehicles that run off the tears of orphans. Orphan tears, much more powerful than petroleum products and virtually limitless! It's horrible that I giggle about the conjured images of Mad Max and his Orphan tear-powered rig racing through the badlands of Australia. Just imagine Mel Gibson saying things like 'Uh-oh, I'm gonna need some juice, better turn on the water works.' And then turning to his harnessed orphan. 'Now mate, I don't like you, and neither did your parents. In fact they hated you so much that they went and died to get away from you!' Considering what he's said and done these last few years as the crazy has enveloped him whole, the words spring readily to the mind's ear. To hell with silly dreams about harnessing the sun's power, orphans are way more powerful and reliable. Someone just needs to design and build the contraption. In steps the engineer.

Last but not least, the damp future that results from global warming. One of my personal heroes was actually depicted being trapped in such a situation, when while out on a doomed pleasure cruise he and his companions were left stranded on an unknown deserted island. There he used his great depth of knowledge to supply the crew with many of the comforts of home! True, his payment to the universe for these gifts was high, as he remained a perpetual virgin all his life long. Both of the attractive younger girls threw themselves at him repeatedly. And though he clearly had an excellent grasp of native culture and languages, and the migration habits of bats. He was baffled by the female sex. And he was never able to fix the boat. Sure, he could make a transistor radio out of coconuts. But it would only receive transmissions, not send them. Coconuts after all are rather limited in their application to the world of electronics. So, keep these things in mind when you find yourself contemplating a three hour tour.

I guess the only real pitfall here is ending up like Dilbert before the Apocalypse arrives. Considering the vast amount of education, intelligence, and lack of social graces one needs, combined with the dangers inherent in the engineering lifestyle, convincing people to embark on this endeavor might be difficult. Even with the obvious monetary gains. Engineers make big bank, all while designing and building amazing new devices.

Now, as an Engineer, you won't be surrounded by bevies of beautiful women(or men). But no problem, you can use your skills to develop a pretty rocking sex-bot.

Guns two. Cause I'm impaitent.

A few things I neglected in the last post.

Sidearms/Handguns. These are much more difficult to use effectively than longarms/rifles. They tend to lack less power, have a shorter range, and are far less accurate -I believe most handguns are only reliable to around fifty meters. Not to mention a wilder tendency in the actual discharge. Handguns require a lot more practice to master than do rifles and the like. In addition the ammunition can be more difficult to acquire, especially in a post apocalyptic setting. Rifles and shotguns, they're widely used for hunting. Handguns are made for 'self-defense' purposes. So, less ammunition is available at stores like Walmart, at least compared to the widely available 12-gauge shotgun shells.

Well, why bother then?

They have their purposes. They have a high rate of fire. They're easier to reload. They're easier to conceal. And they're better at close quarters. They're similar to bladed weapons in this respect. Sometimes you'll want an axe, others a sword or a spear. And still others a dagger will come in most handy.

They're easy to use with one hand. Ever see a car chase where the driver pulls out a rifle, sticks it out the window, and fires it. Then repeats the process? No. Or one of those gunfights that involves jumping through the air and unloading two weapons at once? That sort of pace is difficult to keep up when you're sporting twin shotguns.

And when was the last time you were stalking the halls of an abandoned high school searching for that gang of thugs that has been stalking you, and you thought “Damn I'm glad I brought the mini-gun along.”

Hell, even committing suicide to prevent capture/reanimation as a zombie, is a lot easier with a .45 than a M-16.

For most of these, a sub-machinegun is a fair option too. Though they're far less concealable, heavier and tend to spend ammunition like a Hotel Heiress in Beverlyhills with Daddy's Credit Card. Hey, whatever works. And it's not like one will always have a choice over what weapons they can find.

Improvise. Practice. Look downright badass.

Peter Piper picked a plethora of pesky padlocks.

What I love about most post-apocalyptic scenarios is the empty(mostly) cities that are scattered about the landscape. I can't wait. I'll finally be able to do some urban exploring without running into the possibility of being pinched for trespassing. What's the downside here? Doors. Doors with locks on them. As I've yet to learn the art of transubstantiation, my only options are break a window or to get around the lock. Breaking windows and kicking down doors tends to be loud and conspicuous. You'll draw a lot of attention to yourself. Not good when the streets are crawling with gangs of nazi bikers. Or zombies. Or Zombie Nazis And then what will you do? You just broke the only barrier between your sorry self and the hordes of the Dead Reich.

Dummy. A little stealth goes a long way.

Lock Picking is a very specialized set of skills. With them the master will have the ability to manipulate the tumblers inside a lock and thus get it to release. Here's a decent primer on it, with pictures and video about how locks work. Mind, possessing lock-picking tools is generally, at best, in a legal grey area, at least here in the USA. Most states lock-picking sets are, like say a crowbar, completely legal. Unless you intend to use them. So, you're probably ok,

It appears that some sites sell starter sets for as little as twenty dollars a pop. A search of Amazon brings up nothing useful. So I once again question the legality of the picks, especially since Amazon sells knives, swords, and night-vision goggles. As well as books on making explosives.

Be sure to check your local ordinances before further exploration of the subject.

One of my favorite television heroes is a whiz with his set of lock-picks. Shall we repeat his mantra? Yes, lets. “Work the lock, don't think about the undead radioactive bikini-babes/bee-shooting dogs/Staypuft marshmallowman . Work the Lock.” Have you guessed who he is? None other than the mustachioed Private Investigator, Thomas Magnum. His example has inspired me and my dreams. Not only do I want to learn how to pick locks and flaunt the law, I also want to sleep with a different girl every week, free-load in a mansion in Hawaii, drive someone else's Ferrari and sponge off of my friends whenever I need help. As I already have the chest hair, I think that the first step in achieving my dream is learning how to work a set of picks. Or maybe growing a mustache.

God, I'm gonna need to get a load of ugly Hawaiian shirts. But there are always sacrifices to be made to get those things we all want.

Here's to dreams!

Global Warming – As I always picture these scenarios to resemble the Kevin Costner movie WaterWorld, where people are floating across the vast stretches of ocean, unable to find land, I'm not too sure how useful being able to pick locks will be while living on a boat. A boat that probably doesn't have too many locks. Then again, some of our buildings are rather tall, and at least a few of them will rise above sea level like veritable Rocks of Gibraltar. If that's the case, with a little needle-work, you too will be able to have yourself a nice oceanside apartment! 2/5

Any other scenario that involves relatively intact modern buildings (which is most of them) – I think I've already made my case for this. Hell, I think I even managed to inspire some of you to grow a mustache and wear Hawaiian shirts. Those will really help when you're hiding from Zombie Hitler. And if they do find you, odds are that they won't want to eat someone gay enough to combine a mustache and Hawaiian shirt into one style. Nazis are funny like that.

Sweet Bludgeony goodness. Like mom usta make!

Warhammers. And why I favor them for the Zombie Apocalypse. First, take a look at this video. That's right, a large man beating on things with a warhammer. I've linked it before in at least one of the previous blogs. I love watching destruction set to heavy electric guitar riffs.

The warhammer evolved during the reign of plate mail armor as a way to counteract the heavy steel plates that would deflect swords and the like. The leverage of the heavy head at the end of a long handle creates a lot of force and power, especially when focused on a small area, like the front face of the hammer. Those steel plates would crumple like tinfoil when pitted against a warhammer wielded by a strong arm. This is what makes it ideal for me against the zombie hordes. A single blow can shatter a skull, killing the zombie instantly, or crush the bones and slow it down. Very little finesse is needed. No need to aim for the neck, or other small targets.

The warhammer, unlike the sword is easy to manufacture. Either as a cobbled together weapon made in a pinch or as a weapon crafted by a smith. A good sword can take a skilled smith weeks of work to make. One sword. Conceivably A hammer head can be easily cast out of molten steel. It may not be the highest quality hammer ever made, but it would be fast to manufacture and mass produce making it easy to replace. If the handle breaks, you just need to find another treebranch and wittle it down to size.

Ok, so you have a hammer. Sweet. Now for the daily maintenance of your weapon. Has the shaft cracked? Is the head loose? No? Then you're in good shape. You have time for that nap. The hammer is, at least in my mind – and I could be wrong, a low-maintenance tool. As a bludgeon, it doesn't require sharpening like the blade of a sword/knife/axe in order to retain it's function.

The only downside I can really think of for the warhammer is that it requires a lot of room to properly operate. Wielding a warhammer is simple. Swing it up over your head and then bring it down onto your target. Enjoy the wonderful cracking sound as bone shatters. But that upswing requires room over your head to work. Working the hammer inside cramped spaces might be all but impossible. Which is where a sword would come into it's own, as it is more versatile. My thought is to add a pointed spike to the top of the hammer. Or maybe a blade. Then you can crush and stab. Merry Christmas!

I've thought about this for a long time. I think that's clear. And rather pathetic. No time wasted exploring the deeper meaning of the universe, or thinking about boobies. No, I was rating medieval weaponry for the coming zombie uprising. I gave one of the characters in my zombie apocalypse series a warhammer. It seemed cool to me, and was more utilitarian and functional than say a katana or battle-axe. As well as generally looked over by geek culture and its fascination with bladed weapons.

This is all assuming that lightsabres are still unavailable.

A sword in the hand is like two in the face. I guess.

I do not wish to ever utter/scream the phrase “Oh shit I gone done stabbed myself” in any of its variations. Same goes for cutting, bludgeoned and so forth. As I see it, lopping off your own limbs isn't conducive to long life, and it just makes you look like an inept asshole. Chicks dig scars and war wounds, or so I'm told, but I have my doubts that cutting a chunk out of your own leg will help you score some honey in the local watering hole Saturday night. Unless it's one of those kick ass apocalypse where most of the male half of the species is killed by a mysterious plague. You know the ones, when even the Bastard Child of Carrot Top and Yahoo Serious beds a different Hooters girl every night.

Come on only man left alive apocalypse!

But with my luck, I'd wind up in one of those post-apocalyptic matriarchal societies that is rather hostile towards we XYers. Has to do with destroying the world or some such. So yeah, instead of roaming the lands making babies, I'll end up a hunted fugitive. Or maybe as an animal locked in a cage for children to gawk at.

Any object can be used as a weapon, all it takes is the will to hurt or kill. I've seen enough wrestling to know that a folding chair in the right hands is one impressive implement of destruction. A weapon is a tool like any other, and it's always good to know how to use your tools. With a little hard work you could be instead of a child finger-painting, you could be a Rembrandt...well maybe a Pollock... as you cleave, slice and bludgeon your way through the ranks of your unwitting enemies.

We as human beings have developed a large array of devices with which to cleave, maim, disembowel, burn, impale and generally hurt one another. We're not a very pleasant species when it comes down to it. But then, most of the smarter animals seem to be dicks too. Chimps wage wars one one another, killing for territorial rights. Dolphins murder porpoises on sight and for no understood reason – not for food, they just attack on sight. Yet we rule the roost, for we were the first to make use of the club and then later the pointed stick and finally the bow and arrow. The nice thing about these ancient implements of ass-kickery is that they never run out of ammunition. Sure, your +0 Machette might bend and break, and you'll have to sharpen it after heavy use, but until it fails you'll always have a functioning weapon at hand. You'll never raise your battle-axe overhead only to hear an empty click, forcing you to reload.

Of course, you don't want This to happen to you. Especially if you have asshole friends who have access to video cameras. So time to eat your Wheaties and learn how to swing a battle axe without cutting your foot off. Doesn't sound too difficult you say? Well, most warriors in the past would begin their training as children, and hope to master their trade of bloodshed and battle by the time they reached adulthood. I gotta feeling that there aren't many alive in this day and age who say the same.

No, your mastery of Assassin's Creed doesn't get you credit here bub. It just gets you stabbed in the face and eaten by the zombie horde. That's ok, you can always hit reset and enter the Code and get those thirty lives you forgot before. Oh, wait, that doesn't work in real life. Oh well, I'm sure you'll think of something, maybe plugging in an aim bot.

Combine Parkour, Martial Arts and Weapons Training and you're pretty much a Ninja. How's that for a triumvirate of badassitude? To complete your training, all you'll need to do is learn to fly. That'll be addressed later on.

Global warming – There's going to be pirates. There are always pirates on the sea. It's a law of nature. Ice is cold and pirates infest the world's oceans. Here's where we run into trouble. The Pirate's natural enemy is the ninja. Ninjas live on dry land, and there is no more dry land. So there won't be anyone to keep the pirate fleets in check. Remember to pack plenty of Katanas and black pajamas. 4/5

Zombie Uprising - The Eminent and most Respected Sage Max Brooks suggests adopting peasant style weaponry when battling the undead hordes. Peasant weapons are simple to learn and carry into battle. And you can about find them anywhere, or even make them yourself should you have the need. This makes sense, especially for a world where most of us aren't trained in the martial arts from a young age. He seems to have forgotten, though, that you don't fight zombies. There is no finesse to it. You sever the head from the body and destroy the brain to put the creature down. That is in and all. Whether your tool of choice is a katana or a machete or a wood axe, it all is a matter of what feels the most comfortable in your hand. You don't see too many samurai zombies running about fighting duels, so you shouldn't expect to need to be a blademaster to hold your own against a few zombies. But some hands on experience will be good for you when you step out onto your lawn to kill those commie corpses back dead again! Make Max Brooks proud! 3/5

Alien Invasion – Key phrase: Light sab... Energy Swords. The key to success here is energy swords. They come in all shapes and sizes and are hella-helpful against Plantlife, animals, and cyborgs. Now you've seen the video of the dude mishandling a regular sword to his folly and our twisted amusement. I linked it earlier. Go back and take a look. That was with ordinary steel of doubtful quality. Imagine the outcome if he had been playing with a big boy sword instead. Oh yeah, that video would have gotten a million views, and won the America's Funniest Home Videos. Even over the old guy getting kicked in the groin. Heh. You know what, I want to see that. 0/5 No really, you should get some laser swords and camcorders and show the world your mad skills. We'll be impressed, I promise.

Nuclear Holocaust – In the end, after the flash, hopefully warfare will become rather more conventional. Our vast stores of ammunition for our fancy firearms won't last long, those that aren't consumed in nuclear fire. Whatcha got left? A pointed stick. Or whatever bit of sharpened metal you can find. You used your last shotgun shell weeks ago. You've been out of gas for the Chainsaw-chucks even longer. But you still have your sweet sweet cane, the one with the sword inside. So it's all good. Better when you get to skewer the dude wearing naught but a pair of assless chaps and football shoulder pads. Pimptastic brother, show that jive turkey who the man is. 5/5

Resource Wars – If there's one thing you can count on it's the abundance of iron in our planet's crust. The Earth's core is made of iron and nickel, or so say the scientists who study these things, and who am I to question their knowledge. I majored in History. Well, there are countless tons of iron in them there hills. And tons more timber atop them. Wood for smelting the iron and making steel. Enough to equip an army if only we were to harvest.... wait a minute... that's the mindset that got us into trouble in the first place. Well fuck. Assuming that we learned our lesson on squandering our valuable natural resources, Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you 'The Rock'. This year's model is a smooth igneous disk about the size of a child's hand. Useful for either throwing or with proper flint-knapping techniques, a hand-axe. The perfect companion piece to the Craftsman special Pointed-stick. 4/5

Human beings are always going to be assholes, and if you can't defend yourself then you better watch your asshole. I myself am going to get some rope, a pair of chainsaws, and some luck and make the most fearsome (and stupid) weapon the world has ever seen. ChainsawChucks.

Soil + Seed + Water = Food. A simple equation.

Most living creatures that I've encountered, Human beings included, are open systems. We need energy to survive, but we don't manufacture that energy our own selves. We take an outside fuel source and chemically convert it into energy. Plants for instance feed off of the sun's energy. The rest of us are parasites on the plants, or parasites on the parasites. Comforting thought isn't it.

More so with the additional realization that in many climates the fall's harvest will have to hold the farmer and everyone who relies on them until the next fall harvest (Though I believe that there are many crops that can be planted for harvest in early summer.)

One of the limiting factors that haunts every species on the planet is food. There are fewer carnivores than herbivores, as the former feed on the latter. Herbivores in turn are exponentially outnumbered by the plants that they feed on. And parasitic vines that feed on mammals that get to close to the sacred pyramid? Well they just suck - back to the point at hand though. We're all limited by how much food we can collect for ourselves and our offspring. Unless we result to cannibalism, and who hasn't thought about eating a baby from time to time. So succulent.... I bet with a nice marinade made of garlic, Worcestershire sauce and a good wine would do wonders for the little buggers.

Back in the days of yore. Well before yesterday. Hell, even before last Monday! Way back when, at the dawn of our species, we survived as hunter-gatherers. Meaning that we killed animals and picked berries for food. In essence, whatever we found we kept. That's great when the world was young and you couldn't throw a stone without killing a moose or six, and every second step saw you tripping over a bush laden with juicy berries. Those were the days. But we're not a bright species, and we have a tendency to over-do things and shit where we eat. So, we ate all the moose and picked those bushes clean and then starved to death. Great for nature – as it kept us from overwhelming the surface of the earth. Briefly.

Then some genius had the brilliant idea that they wouldn't eat all the seeds that they had collected. Instead they would put some in the ground and let them grow. Reap the harvest, rinse and repeat. Pretty damn simple. They began a cycle that we've been following ever since, though the number of farmers have dropped dramatically in the last decades, even from what they were a mere century ago.

As the years passed farmers honed their skills, and improved the plants they farmed by selective breeding. Basic genetic engineering, we've been doing it for years.

In one of the high schools I attended back in the day, they offered Agriculture classes. Four years worth – as the town was surrounded by farms and the school system was full of farm kids. Four years of Ag. That they have four years worth of information to instill should tell you something right there. That's not to mention the four year degrees that are offered in some rural colleges. From the different types of soil and fertilizers for the maximum output, to diseases and other pests that will lessen your harvest, there are a lot of factors that go into making growing food successful. Better get some practice gardening.

A lot of the ground work has been laid here. There's a lot of knowledge to be had. Wish I would have taken one or two of the classes, but I didn't expect to ever need farming. What a fool I am. We've gotten well beyond 'put seeds in dirt – wait – eat'. Wtf? I want a three step process to growing food! Where I just plant a couple of those frozen burrito trees and come back and pick them when they're right and pop em into the microwave.

For those of you that count Bacon as a vegetable keep in mind that we humans are omnivores, capable of eating both plants and animals. Sure, broccoli might not be as appealing as a hamburger, but that's why God bestowed upon us the gift of Cheese, to impart savor unto all the unappealing greens that grow on the earth. Cheese rules. You ever had one of those Chicago Style Stuffed pizzas? They have like an inch of cheese, with the various toppings layered underneath, with the sauce on top. Think that sounds upside down? Well eff you blasphemer!

But it takes a few steps in the skill-tree before you're allowed to take 'cheese making'. First you need to master basic farming, followed by animal husbandry. With a few ranks in dairy mastery to boot. But, all that work is worth it when you get your first wheel of cheddar. Hell, I forgot about the sauce! We're gonna need to put in a few rows of tomato plants.

What am I still doing here? I'm need to go get me some cows, for when the apocalypse finally arrives, I don't want to give up the pizza goodness.

This'll be a cake walk. Especially after I get the cake vines producing.

Zombie Uprising – Nothing has changed, you still need food to survive. Unless you're a zombie. Then all you're going to want to do is eat brains, and that's more of a hunter-gathering activity than it is farming. Unless you're one of those mutated smart zombies, and you breed humans and keep them in pens. You damned dirty zombies. Enslaving the warm-blooded folks like cattle! Don't worry my people! The resistance will save you! Unless the super intelligent mutant zombies figure us out and sneak a mole into our ranks... ZOMBIES!!!!!! DAMN YOU! 5/5.

Global Warming - A planet covered in oceans. Prime farm land is gonna be hella-scarce. Unless your ride is an aircraft carrier, planting surface crops won't be too helpful. Which is bad, because we need those delightful vitamins that plants so easily provide, to do things like prevent our teeth from falling out. Sad day. Better learn to love sushi, because I think that seaweed and salmon farms are about to explode. I hate fish. 3/5

Alien Invasion – Well, we are going to need food. I think that's been established so far. Food provides us with the strength to fight. ET isn't going to give us a food pantry, unless they're doing one of those 'fattening us up so that they can eat us' sort of deals. At which point I see anorexia coming into fashion amongst the freedom fighters of the world. Good thing potatoes are easy to grow and rugged as hell. Did you know that you can grow potatoes in garbage bins filled with sawdust? They aren't exactly difficult to cultivate. Makes you wonder what the hell the Irish were doing... 5/5

Nuclear Apocalypse – Mutations can be good things. Assuming that the fallout doesn't give rise to an army of intelligent plants intent on getting revenge on the monkeys who burned th earth. And for the grievous insult that is Ranch Salad Dressing. We've dug our own hole with a ranch bottle. But, sooner or later our stores of canned food will begin to wear thin. When we're down to Spaghetti-Os and Dogfood, you can keep the Spaghetti-Os. That stuff is shit in a can. With a little luck, those plant mutations will be beneficial rather than aggressive and vengeful, and we can leave the stock of Spaghetti-Os for a real emergency. Like one of those feed the followers poison for a grand mass suicide that typical cult leaders love. 5/5

Resource Wars – Man, the Amish are going to be rolling over in their fields laughing at us. Ja, where are your fancy cars now technology lovers? For they alone held onto the old ways of doing things, leaving them in damn good shape to take over the world when we run out of oil. Fear the Amish War Cow of future years. Now the state of Iowa alone grows enough corn to feed the entire United States. Just Iowa. The rest of our corn goes to fattening cattle and making carbonated sugared water. I have two words for you: Bio-fuel. Wait, is that two words? Or is it just one? How does the hyphen factor in? Frak. Who cares? In the future, our cars will smell like a Fast Food Joint, and it will be marvelous.

Ok, all the above scores, fairly irrelevant. The face of it is, we need food to continue living. Hunting and gathering will only take us so far and without some cultivation going on, we're doomed as a species. So take interest and plant your victory garden today and do your part to stomp the Hun/Vorlons/Lord Humungous/Pirates/Retail Workers. Buy Pocalypse Bonds today!

Me? I'm gonna try to find a copy of Farming for Dummies.

1, 2, 3 - GO!

Rock Paper Scissors. Rochambeau. A game with a hundred names and played all across the world. It was invented by Chuck Norris during the later years of the Roman Empire as a way to decide which Caesar was going to die that day. Mostly the game was only implemented when the Colosseum was closed and proper bloodsports weren't showing. Chuck had to keep the mob happy somehow. The rules haven't changed much over the years, with the minor difference that a Roundhouse Kick beating all three paper, rock and scissors. But the Chuck is the only

At least that's what the Wikipedia says. The facts are slightly suspect. We all know that Chuck was a friend of the Caesars, and helped them fight off the Nazis, alongside Indiana Jones and Mr. T. This happened on several occasions over the two thousand years that the Roman Empire stood. Facts is facts y'all.

Rochambeau was invented in Japan, purveyors of other such fine entertainment as The Super Mario Brothers, Legend of Zelda, and Rape Fantasy Six. Over the years, it has developed variations of up to one hundred choices, or so I hear. I guess some sort of bureaucracy got involved somewhere along the line and tried to make things more precise. And thus muddled up the whole process. Certainly it couldn't have been a small group of hardcore Rochambeau artists trying to ratchet up the thrill. They're like most extreme sports enthusiasts, enough is never enough. No matter how many arguments they need to have about how Bottle of Purple Gatorade fares against 1700s Antique French Armoire Done in the Classic Style. Those fuckers are hardcore.

Rochambeau is a game of skill as much as poker. Maybe more so, since without the element of random cards being tossed into the mix, winning or losing rests more on the actions of the players and their ability to read opponents, learn patterns and so forth. That alone is a valuable life skill in normal times.

Global Warming - Stuck on a boat, with the same handful of survivors day after day. Too bad the gameboy's batteries died like three years ago. And you read and re-read that one copy of Old Man and the Sea about a thousand times. Masturbation has even lost it's charm. What else to do to while away the long hours on the open ocean when the wind is out of your sails? Cabin Fever and some good old fashioned paper-rock-scissors. Over and over and over and over again, until the last one standing is so crazy that they don't mind eating their comrades. 4/5

Zombie Apocalypse – Alright guys, we're gonna need someone to go out there and lead the zombies away so that the rest of us can escape. Any takers? No? Well, guess we'll play paper rock scissors until we find a victim. I'm of course out, I'm too important – You know you're going to hear that when the end comes. At least once. Assuming that you don't suck at paper rock scissors. Then you may live to hear it several times. Who's going to go first? Who's going to guard this door as we try to weld it closed? Who gets sacrificed to the vicious gang of roving bandits as a sex toy? Rochambeau is going to come into play constantly. Better get good at it now. 5/5

Alien Invasion – So, the aliens batted aside the best weapons that our armed forces could muster. They adapted to our local diseases. They're hunting us down like the monkeys we are. What next? We act in desperation and bring out our last and most dangerous weapon. A children's game from Japan. No, not Kancho, that would only piss them off further. Though it might make for a good comic relief moment, just before Blargax the Imperator vaporizes you with the Kill-O-Zap gun in his third left hand. Your courage and utter stupidity will live on in the human race's cultural memories due to songs and farcical comedies where you'll ever be rendered as the tragic yet comical clown.

But don't worry, your friends have a plan.

And that brings us back to Paper-Rock-Scissors, and how it can be used to throw-down the alien overlords. We are an absurd species, but that game represents the pinnacle of our silliness. How the fuck does paper beat rock? Rock would totally blast through paper. Is paper covered with bad poetry written by an angst-ridden teen girl? It damn well better be to have that kind of effect. It would have to be an effin phonebook to beat rock. Rock is solid, and hard. Our music is Rock and Roll. Jesus said to build your house on a Rock. You've never heard of Dwayne 'The Paper' Johnson. Rock beats paper. Except it doesn't. With luck this very fact will throw the Overmind into an infinite loop, and the entire invasion force pops.

The Rest – I have no doubt that every other week I'll find myself a captive by one of those violent gangs of bikers that seems to wander the wastelands for no apparent reason. No reason beyond the fact that out there are vast stretches of empty land, and they need to be wandered. Someone's got to do it, so there they are. It's like delivering the mail in the here and now, or climbing mountains. One of those Dirty Jobs that Mike Rowe is always trying to find and experience. So be it. I plan to be the last solitary wander that they ever kidnap with the intent to sell into slavery. My answer? You already know. Stop asking stupid questions. Rock-Paper-Scissors.

See, my plan is so, make a nuisance of myself until they get fed up with my mulishness. At that point, offer them a game of three, they win, I go quiet, I win, I leave the way I came. With those years of practicing the art I've dedicated my life to the art of Stooge-fu, and all without knowing it. You have the slap, the eye poke and the dreaded head bonk. Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk bitches. 5/5

Rochambeau. Drop whatever you're doing, and learn it now.

The masterful art of Weaving.

Here's what you need. About ten thousand little metal rings of the same diameter and a couple pairs of pliers. With that, a lot of time and a truckload of patience, you can make yourself a shirt of maile. I mean a lot of time. A whole shitload of it. We're talking about the following the timeline for monkeys to come down out of the trees and then build starships. Unless you have a lot of superglue and low expectations for quality, we're not talking about a quick process.

Honestly, in terms of materials and tools, a shirt or two might cost you around $50. That's assuming you need to buy the pliers, and wirecutters and steel rod, as well as the wire. Besides the obscene number of hours spent, winding coils, cutting the links and then putting rings into rings, hours that you could more effectively put into a nine to five making money and buying a shirt, making chain is an inexpensive hobby.

Besides, weaving chainmail isn't too difficult to learn. I picked up the basics with the help of tutorials on youtube and other places on the net. The process is slow going, and I've yet to make much of a dent in my major project goal. But I have a couple of snappy sheets of chain cloth to show for it, a handful of necklaces. All sitting around doing nothing. Chainmaile isn't very useful in our modern era. Who knew?

Chainmaile, chain mail, chainmail, maile. However you wish to spell it, is one of the oldest and longest serving forms of metal armor that humans have yet to devise. Made from said steel rings, it protects well against cuts. And that's about all. Someone using say a hammer, or arrows, would effectively transform your expensive armor into a heavy shirt with a narrow list of functions that can be related here: 1) Chafe nipples. That is all.

So why learn such a trade? Well, it may come in handy at some point in the future. Who knows? Armor is always good to have, especially if we're all reduced to using pointed sticks, and maybe swords. A second skin of steel might be all that you have between your soft and supple skin (by the way, what sort of moisturizer do you use? So touchabally soft!) and large gaping wounds in your flesh. And there aren't that many people out there who can make it. So it's time for a little self-reliance, and get the job done right. Or at least get it good enough.

Global Warming – Well, here we go. Wearing tens of pounds of metal while operating on the open ocean. What effin genius came up with this idea? Why not just tie an anchor to your ankle and call it a day? An anchor is a lot cheaper than even a shirt made from chain mail. Wait, there's more! More than a free trip to Davey Jones' locker you say? How can it get better than that? I'll tell you... Honestly, chainmail might be more useful at sea than one expects. Providing that you use the right material. I'm thinking aluminum or Titanium. Preferably the latter. Chainmaile has found a new use in these last few decades in the form of shark proof suits. Full body of suits, made from very tiny rings, that will reduce the chance that a hungry shark walks off with one of your favorite limbs. And no doubt that these very suits will come in quite handy when standing up against invading pirates as they wave their cutlasses about and brandish empty muskets. 4/5

Zombie Uprising – Well, here we have a major up and down side. Zombie use their hands and teeth to do most of their damage. Grab and bite. That is the whole of their tactical bag of tricks. And after a few weeks/months/years of being a walking corpse, zombies will no doubt boast a set of teeth that will make your average meth addict cringe. Having a cloth of steel between your hide and that mouth full of chipped chompers is quite an appealing thought. Until you take into account that a shirt might weigh up to forty pounds. That makes for a long ass hike though the dead infested city streets as you scavenge for food. That'll build stamina, which is good if you manage to keep your strength up for weeks straight as you self-inflict death marches. After all the weeks that it took to make the damn thing in the first place. Until then, you're moving slower and tiring yourself out un-neededly. Finally after weeks of sweating through unbearable heat in your portable oven, summer will fade and winter will return, and your nipples, after having chaffed for months, will learn a new form of torture. Freezing and sticking to your shirt. Fun times. That's why I'm sticking with leather. Sure, I'll look more like the biker from the Village People – can't be helped, but it'll be warmer, and less heavy. 1/5

Nuclear War – I've done a lot of thinking here, and the only practical use that chainmail might have for a wanderer of the thirsty wastelands would be to give their NukePoc wardrobe a little extra pizazz that the other nameless mercenaries and bandits are totally lacking. Leather jackets and football shoulder pads will rule the day, but at the same time become rather cliché. Time to start a whole new trend here...

I can't keep nattering on here. To hell with all the above concerns. I have two words for the lot of you. Chainmail Bikini. 5/5 Recognize.

Go out and weave little monkeys, daddy has a major chicks in chain fetish, and he wants to share it with the rest of the world.

It is broken, can you fix it?

Picture this. An automotive garage. The customer is waiting nervously in the corner to hear the bad news. The oil slathered grease-monkey walks over and with a smarmy wink and an appraising glance he says 'well, I've looked it over, and it won't be cheap, but I think we can work something out.' How many porn scenes have been wound around that very scenario? I haven't a clue honestly. But some research might be in order.

As above, here in our safe modern life, even without hordes of zombies and biker gangs prowling the wasteland looting the wreckage of our once proud civilization, an insight into the function of all things machina can keep you from getting screwed. Both literally and figuratively. The glapashozod is slipping and the krozunda-dink is cracked? How much will that cost? A thousand dollars? At least? Gott und Himmel! Really, if you're like most people, you hardly know engine coolant from a bottle of gatorade.

Internal combustion engines are inefficient devices that have been magnificently engineered into a level of complexity that boggles the mind. With most modern engines, there are thousands of parts, and something so small as a loose wire can bring the entire house of cards down. Computers are all but required to diagnose any flitter in the system. Forty years ago, you could tinker with the innards in your own garage and pick up a good working knowledge of the function of the car. Not so anymore. Now you need years of training to master the mechanical arts. What does that mean for the end times and after? Well, nothing good. But hey, you always have your feet.

In the future, after the fall of humanity, not knowing how to repair an engine could pretty much leave you rather fucked. Knowing how to fix engines makes you a valuable commodity and increases your chances of personal survival. Having a break down in the middle of the radioactive desert would be a daunting prospect, especially with the clan of cannibals picking you and your friends off one by one and serving you up for dinner. Mmmm, survivor ka-bobs. Pretty tasty if you don't mind a little fallout.

I won't limit mechanical aptitude to fixing cars. But also smaller engines and generators. But we'll avoid bicycle repair and other awesome feats of engineering and leave them to a later time.

Global Warming – Ideally, when you're living eternally on the ocean and cut off from the niceties of civilization (IE gas stations) you're going to rely on the rather primitive, but efficient and effective wind power. Still, sailboats do have motors on board, both for propulsion and generators for creating electricity. However, there will be a serious lack of petrol stations. Or auto-parts store. Everything will have been consigned to the briny deep. It is conceivable that some genius will set up a floating oil derrick and refinery. But don't count on it. Or ever finding the damn thing if they do. The earth is a big place. If you're lucky and have a purely electrical system, then you've already cut out the need for any/much mechanical know-how. 3/5

Zombie Apocalypse - I don't know how useful automotive mechanics will be in a zombie uprising. The scenarios, mine included, usually leave the roadways clogged with abandoned vehicles as people try to either flee the city, or return for loved ones. Once again, survivors are often walled up in some fortress or another, be it a mall or whatever. Driving isn't usually high on the list, so trying to impress the girls with your precise and methodical skills at wheel realignment will just have to wait. Those who do venture out into the sea of undead have millions of cars to scavenge from, making auto-repair rather unnecessary most of the time. At least in the beginning. Five or ten years down the line, being able to maintain the remnants of the fleet will be a highly valuable skill.

Hey, we'll also need someone who knows how to repair the generators. Cause let's be honest, the zombies aren't going to be working hard keeping the lights on. They're going to be more interested in locating and then eating brains. It's what they do. 4/5

Post Nuclear Wasteland - That's right, the bikers are baring down on you when the car you're riding in breaks down and rolls to a halt. The grungy old dude who took you under your wing curses. The attractive love interest chambers their last bullet as they imagine being hauled away by a dozen burly mutants in leather. You pop the hood, whip out your tool and adjust the cracked krozunda-dink and re-align the glapashozod to get that thing purring like a kitten again, and then haul ass down the highway. Booyeah! 4/5

Resource wars – Ok. There isn't any gasoline. None. At least not for lowlifes like me. The bigwigs and hard working roughnecks might be sitting on oodles of it. But gasoline is rare/non-existent. So knowing how a carburetor works, really rather useless. Like having a Bachelors in the Classics here and now. You'll be living in a box, and I'm not talking one of those fancy refrigerator boxes, no no my friend, you get half a shoe-box. Better look into alternative methods of impressing the ladies. Your job has just gone the way of the Zeppelin Pilot after the Hindenburg Disaster and Beer Social. Maybe you should have gone with that art degree instead chief. Sure, they might create a viable electric car, but that's a whole different beast from the Internal Combustion Engine. And a whole new set of skills. 1/5.

The Alien Invasion – Ok, here's the score, the Zerg invaded our home planet and came from a star-system a hundred or more light years off in deep space. They have anti-gravity devices and particle beam cannons. They can cross hundreds/thousands/millions of lightyears of cold empty vacuum. They swept aside our military with laughable ease. In fact, they're probably still laughing about it all these months later. The Battle of Cleveland? Titter! I don't care how many machine guns you bolt to the top of your mint 1979 VW bug that you rebuilt with your own two hands, they've already won on the technology front. Really, our only hope is that herpes is deadly to them, and that Paris Hilton survived the conflagration that was Hollywood. Being able to rebuild engines, it's a nice hobby here, like stamp-collecting, or putting together jigsaw puzzles, and about as useful. Pointless. All hail the Zerg overlords and their human-being based energy solutions!

On the other hand, when faced with one of the creatures from the Alien franchise, or a whole bad ass colony, being able to repair generators will be mildly helpful. Cause those bugs are smart, and they tend to break anything that might be useful. So you might come in handy until you're face raped and impregnated with a chest burster. 2/5.

Honestly, automotive mechanical skills seem to be most useful in a

The rabbit goes through the hole, 7, 8 9 times.

Rope. A series of interwoven strands of fiber or string.  Not metal, that would be cable.  Rope has been an essential tool for our sad little species for some 28,000 or more years.  Rope can be put to use hoisting sails.  If you have enough you can weave a net.  It's useful in the art of decorating pottery.  With some knots, heavy ropes make a nice bludgeon.  Need to climb a building or repel down a canyon? Well Rope has your back.  You can tie maidens to railroad tracks to taunt the hero.  Or execute the villains by stringing them up at the nearest tree.  Mind you don't get an innocent bystander, cause the apocalypse is a bitch enough to survive without an angry and righteous bounty-hunter following your every move trying to enact his vendetta of revenge.  I know, had it happen to me once.  Dick shot me, even after I got him a card by way of apology.

Clearly Hallmarks line of "Sorry for lynching you, we thought you were someone else" greeting cards are less effective than advertised.

You know who always has it?  Charles Bronson.  That's right, the bad-assed beatdown in a sock mofo Chuckles.  And Samwise Gamgee.  Can't forget good loyal trustworthy Sam the Boyscout.  He always comes prepared he does!  Well, that isn't true, that dumbass forgot to bring rope when he left the Shire, and then again when the company left Rivendell.  But hey, what can you really expect from a sidekick after all?  If you're lucky, loyalty and skill with rope.  And maybe mad ninja skills for when he/she can't lay their hands on rope.

Lord of the Rings and Boondock Saints references aside, rope is still a useful asset to have in a bind.  Or to have for a bind.

But in order to squeeze every last drop of value from this multi-functional and adaptable resource, there are some tricks to master.  that's where investing some time learning some proper knot-tying comes in-handy.  Rope is rather useless if you don't know how to tie a knot.  Cue the impotence double entendre!  There are hundreds of different knots. From simple knots using a single piece of rope, to attaching two ore more into a single line.  The ability to knot rope is what makes it so damn versatile in the first place.  Really, what woman doesn't go wild for a man who can't tie a knot in a cherry stem?  Or even another woman.  That's pretty hot. We don't even need to get into the bondage possibilities.

Global Warming - Look, sea-levels have risen. My mutant ass will probably be on a boat.  A sailboat at that, since I don't really trust my chances in getting my hands on a reliable supply of petrol to make a boat go.  Have you ever seen a sailboat?  Those things are covered with ropes that desperately need to be tied.  And how else can I plan to attach grappling hooks to the end of a rope for a good old-fashioned boarding?   This skill is not merely useful, it's necessary.  10/5

Ideally, I tend to see myself on a boat for pretty much all the other scenarios.  Though I doubt my stomach will thank me for it.  Or the rest of the crew after the fiftieth rendition of a certain song.  I think that I've listed enough reasons previously for land dwellers to take the craft of knot-tying seriously, from improved mobility to improvised weaponry, rope has it all. Even zombies will learn to fear the wrath of the rope.  There will be all sorts of buildings to scale, villains to tie, and aliens to hang. Being able to tie the right knot for the occasion will get you all the nookie. Recognize. 5/5

Eagle Claw Strike!

The phrase Martial Arts when broken down can easily be applied to any form of the soldier's craft. We'll focus more on the fighting and killing aspect. And even further on close-combat both armed and unarmed. The Greeks had their pikes, the Romans combined their short stabbing swords and large tower shields, the French mastered the art of heavy infantry, the Mongols were Gods of Death on their horses. But none of these images is as powerful as the ShaoLin Monks and their ability to inflict shock and awe with just their bare hands and feet. And look damn cool doing it. Let's just keep to the empty handed techniques for this run shall we?

Martial arts, the ability to disarm, wound and kill with your bare hands. I like the Steven Seagal form of Akido. No fancy jumps and kicks. You just stand there and become a giant, unmovable wall of hurt to anyone dumb enough to cross the path of your windmilling-throatRemoving hands. All fear the ability not only to break multiple bones with your thumb, but also to transform ordinary household objects into weapons. And you get to wear a pony-tail to boot. But these forms of training take years and years of hard work to master. I don't have those years. But I have seen a lot of movies. And I do have netflix. How hard can it be?

Very. Just ask the Star Wars Kid. That poor bastard.

There are hundreds of different possible forms to choose from. Some ancient and others quite modern. Most modern militarys give their volunteers at least a crash course in all things close combat, from hand to hand training, to knives, to spears(bayonets) and clubs(rifle butts). There are even Dojos in most of the cities across the country offering everything from TaeKwanDo on up to the more obscure branches of the martial arts trees. All you need is a combination of time/money/discipline and you can easily find someone to make you at least look like you know what you're doing. all while giving you a heady injection of confidence - which could be really bad when your flabby ass walks into a biker bar and decides to call them sissies while relying on your green belt to protect you.

Zombie Uprising - You don't fight zombies. You kill them. Or they eat you. I guess you can piss yourself and flee too, but that's just running away from your problems. This is with the horror movie classic Romero style zombies. Hatian Voodoo Zombies are another animal altogether. Breaking bones, Arm Locks, Yoga Noogies, and Tearing out Throats - These really are ineffective against walking corpses that don't feel. Sure, if you bust a zombie's leg(s) it will move much more slowly. But it will keep moving, unlike a human that these arts were developed to counter. Really, you aren't much better off after years of training than a twelve year old with a shotgun, and personally I wouldn't want to go after a crowd of zombies with just my hands and feet. My experience in the subject (Read that as, when I played Dead Rising) is that thinking that you're an unbeatable badass is a damned good way to get yourself killed. A little confidence is a dangerous thing. 2/5

Alien Invasion - You recall that scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, when Lancelot attacks the castle and beats on it with his sword. I imagine that my fists will be just as effective against the hull of any vessel capable of traveling through space. So what, then the aliens step out of their ship, you assume your fighting stance, only to be vaporized by like twenty deathrays. So, maybe your kung fu is strong, and you make it to the overlord and challenge to hand to hand combat him for the fate of our species. Assuming the creature doesn't just have you hauled off and anal-probed the prognosis isn't good. If you win, you get vaporized, if lose, you're sold to the salt mines of of Sloggoth Seven. Or maybe you get your ass hauled back to the MotherWorld and are forced to fight in the Arena against other captive warriors. This could either lead to a KungFu Slave Revolt, or a sword through your head. 2/5

Global Warming - As we all know, the oceans are infested with pirates. The oceans collectively are the natural environment for pirates to dwell. Basically, the oceans are for pirates what human cities are for rats. When the water levels go up, the pirate population is going to explode exponentially. which is rather funny considering that the Pastafarians believe that global warming is directly resulted from the decline in pirates over the years. Maybe we'll finally come to a proper balance. Maybe. Anyhow, the ninja, the ultimate martial artist, is the pirate's natural enemy. Transforming yourself into a sharpened, spinning whirrligig of death will be immanently useful when repelling the unending stream of boarders intent on buggering off with your booty. 5/5

Resource wars and Nuclear Apocalypse - Due to the fact that their situations are rather similar, I'm lumping these two together. In both, we're dealing mostly with other human beings. Living breathing humans. Sure, some might have extra limbs and exotic skin tones after getting their fair dose of fallout, but hey, just more bones to break huh. Here's the one situation that mastering the martial arts comes into its own. Especially after the first decade or so of conflict and PvP battles where everyone has wasted all of the ammunition and we're all down to wielding rusty chains and 2x4s with nails through them. Now is the time to pull out the Kwai Chang Caine and pulverize all comers in extreme slow motion so that the kids at home can follow along. That dude with one hockey knee-pad, bandanna and tank-top? He'll be mighty surprised as you use the Eagle Claw Technique to rip his heart out of his chest and show it to him as he's dying. Booya! 5/5

Parkour, it's like dancing in the streets!

Number 1, Cardio. No wait, that was Zombieland. Cardio, the ability to run for distances and keep running without feinting from exertion is a good skill to have in everyday life. Sadly, I don't really run anymore, and haven't much since high school. I walk briskly instead. And then I take a nap. Maybe a nap before hand too. But cardio is a good asset. Good, but not fantastic. Besides, it's virtues have been covered in full elsewhere.

Actually first on the list, and last that I'll probably get to, is Parkour(Daddy's lazy). Also known as free running. Parkour combines feats requiring upper and lower body strength as the adherent is expected to quickly and easily tackle any obstacles that might leap up into their paths. In the words of Teddy http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifRoosevelt, Over, under, or through - but never around. The exercise not only improves strength and general fitness and endurance, but it also sharpens the mind as the athlete is forced to make decisions on their feet while running towards an abyss.

Parkour been everywhere these last few years, because it is hella-impressive to a nation of couch-potatoes. You recall the opening sequence to the Casino Royale remake with Danial Craig? Damn right you do. Where they were running and climbing all over and through that building site? Parkour baby.

For those of you who haven't seen Parkour, and those who have and want to see some more, here is a taste. Pretty damn cool huh? Did you see how he SpiderManned that building? All to that crazy French rap music? Insane! Tell me that skill wouldn't come in handy. The problem is, that dude is in hella-good shape. My muscles are sore from just watching.

But now you see my problem. I'm a fat, lazy American, and mastering the art of Parkour would require a lot of breathing hard and sweating. And not the good kind (read masturbation – Another important skill for the apocalypse – But you won't be seeing it here, since I'm already pretty damn good at it – you're shocked I see. But really, no need to worry about that at all. In fact, if you have a group of survivors sadly lacking that skill-set, feel free to send them my way, I'd love to turn that passion into full time work. No, I don't do videos). So, hand me that big mac and give me a tv guide. Lemme invest in a jet-powered segway instead. Walking and climbing are for chumps.

Zombies – Anything that allows you to avoid the hordes of the walking dead is definitely a skill worth having. Parkour would be immensely helpful in a zombie uprising, no matter what type of zombies the director decided to throw at you. Slow or fast. It seems to be generally established that Zombies can't climb. They suck like that. Eat brains, sure, but you can outwit them with the same tactics that you might use to thwart those lazy bastards who sit around in those chair-dealies with the big wheels. So, you were in town looking for your high school sweetheart who you just began talking to again a couple weeks before. You get your dumb ass cornered by a pack of zombies. Slowly they shuffle forward, stretching their hands out to take hold of your precious, tasty flesh. When all of a sudden you bust a move and back-flip up a five story wall to the roof. Boom, you're out of range. Just don't get too cocky, since 95% of the world's population has been converted to hungry corpses. 5/5

Global Warming – You're on a boat. On a boat. Look at you, you're on a mother fucking boat. Parkour is a lot less impressive when there aren't any huge buildings to scale. Sure, you might be able to climb the mast a couple times here and there. Sure, there would be buildings in most of the world's major cities that would jut from the surface of the ocean. Being able to climb those buildings in a dramatic way conceivably might come in handy. If you were dumb enough to approach. I have to imagine that the currents around the pillars would be treacherous at best. Really, what sort of loot is there in a office building that might be that valuable to boat dwellers? The copier/fax machine in Ted's office? Shah. 1/5.

Alien invasion – I'm at a loss for this one. Have the cities been turned into pools of slag? Do you want to do anything flashy, like a leap turned backwards somersault off of a roof onto the lawn below? Sure, parkour might be useful when you're being chased down by an extermination squad. At least at first. But I'm pretty sure those bastards have mastered the art of powered flight. I mean, they got here after all didn't they? Best to just keep your head down and learn to sneak around and hide. 2/5

Resource Wars – In a world without a lot of automobiles on the street, being fast on your feet will always be an advantage. The rules are about the same as the zombie uprising, though with fewer cannibalistic walking corpses and more hard-core gay leather bondage gangs roaming the land. Is that a win? I guess if you're into the gay BDSM scene. Personally? I'm going to start doing more pull-ups and maybe take up jogging. Feeling the wrath of Spike's riding crop is about as appealing as getting bitten by a staggerer. Less so, since I imagine that any effective lubricants will have become as scarce as gasoline not long into the collapse. This sucks. Why can't we have a Hooters Girls apocalypse? 5/5

Nuclear Exchange – Picture this. There's a big bright flash. The world burns. Cities are in ruins. You're scavenging in the bones of New York after the dust settles when you happen across a gang of radiated dwarfs. They see you, and give chase, and suddenly it looks like that scene from Jackass 2. Except they're dressed like clowns and carrying knives. Not to mention their intent to rape all of your holes and then eat your flesh. They have you cornered on the roof, as more and more of the gang creeps out of vents and holes. Radioactive Midget Clowns, they're everywhere, can't stand them. Think of how it would torque those little buggers if you took a flying leap, flipped, landed on a roof fifteen feet and rolled to relative safety? The only downside here is that you'd have to goto one of those dwarf-gang-infested, radioactive cities to show off your mad moves. Offer null and void if the glowing midget clowns have giant rats for steeds. Then you're fucked. Sure, parkour will come in handy in urban settings. But urban settings, though likely sources of supplies, will be prime targets for nuclear bombs, thus they'll still be glowing for sometime after the flash. 4/5