Chemicals and cuts.

The wonders of healing.

Well, I already did a write-up on herb lore, and that post was hella-popular in Germany. I don't know why, I assume that it was a single individual hitting the post over and over again every day for a month. Or at least that's how I like to imagine the happening.

Anyhow, herbs have been seen to. But this leaves a large section of the healing arts untouched. It goes to assume that in the apocalypse people will take injury or become sick. All that extra stress, and those falling chunks of asteroids are going to play havoc on our delicate nerves. I swear I get the vapors just thinking about it all.

Medical science has expanded explosively over the last century. We've gone from 'bad air causes disease' to discovering the actual parasite culprits of so many of our woes. We've even managed to find ways to combat many of them, though as they grow and evolve they step beyond our current technology. Hey, it is highly possible that we've created our own apocalypse with these bounds in knowledge and technology. Honestly, our species has yet to fully understand the workings of our own bodies, and a little knowledge is dangerous indeed as we jump around and try to form hypothesis to explain observations.

Modern medicine, first aid aside, seems to be easily divided into two major categories. Cutting and chemicals. Surgery or Pharmacy. From what I've seen of those many delightful Hospital dramas, either one route or the other is often taken. Well, I admit that Dr. House might not be the best source of information on the subject. Shock I know, but it appears that sometimes television writers don't always do silly things like letting little things like Facts get in their way of telling a good story.

P'Shaw!

From my understanding there is usually two different approaches taken in day to day medicine. Either the patient is cut into through the delicate are of surgery or they are prescribed chemicals to alter the body's function. These are the two major approaches, broadly grouped, in the Western medical tradition. Once again, I am probably forgetting something but it's getting late and I'm tired. Plus, I really don't much pay attention to the medical profession. I don't think I can articulate the divide that well, as I do not Grok. But regardless, medicine and medical care are important. More so when the world becomes more dangerous. Unless the zombies have risen, then you'll wish you'd put your time into studying some proper marksmanship.

But for the rest...

There are so many different routes to take here and they all work together in a complex and interconnected fashion. First you have the doctors and other hospital staff. They diagnose any disorders and offer a plan for treatment. Be it “Acquire use this medicine” or “see this specialist for more options cause I'm out of my league.” Then you have the specialist fields, too many of which to name. Then there are the Nurses and Physicians Assistants and the rest of the crew who make up a functioning hospital. I really have no idea what they all do.

Ok, after six hours of waiting you've had your fifteen minutes of face time with the physician. Sweet. He told you to go pick up some chemical compound to help alleviate your symptoms. Cue a visit to the Pharmacist. Pharmacists(RPH) spend the same amount of time in school as do doctors. Though I think that their post-school fellowship is far shorter by a matter of years. The RPH specializes in all the chemicals that are produced as medication, and how those chemicals might interact with one another as well as with the human body. Most drugs have side-effects, some of which are unpleasant to say the least. As with many complicated systems, the more layers you add the more that can go wrong. This is where a good pharmacist comes in handy here and now.

In my writing I work under the assumption that some of the world's infrastructure will survive, and this means hospitals and pharmacies with parts of their stock and equipment will be there intact. I do mean part, as such places will probably be ransacked by the mob when things turn ugly. If you're part of that mob, how much more helpful to be able to tell the difference between Oxycodone, oxycotin and oxyclean? Yeah, that is a problem with medications, many of them have similar names, and most have radically different applications. No good for you you're looting a pharmacy to clear up a headache and take that shiny red caplet that cleans out constipation.

The problem here, is that both approaches involve years upon years of training and many of the areas of knowledge that lie under these branches are extremely specialized. The human body is far to complicated for most human beings to master more than a small piece of it's workings and mystery. In my years I've only gone so far to plumb the depths of it's secret workings to learn that sticking one's finger down their throat leads to unpleasant consequences(though funny in the right setting). I don't really have any interest in learning more about medicine – let alone devoting the next ten years of my life to learning the ropes of the profession. I'm a dabbler and that path is far to specialized.

My normal plan of “Buy book, read book when issue emerges” probably won't pay off this time around. PLAN B – locate and befriend a slew of medical professionals and hope that they survive the blast. Get plenty of vitamins and exercise in the meantime.

Plan B sucks.

Look at the Puppy!

Who doesn't like puppies? Well, I'm not too fond of them. They're cute but slobbery and needy. Then pets in general do require a lot of time and attention. And people too. Time that I could be devoting to internet porn. Stupid distractions taking time away from the important things in life.

I'm not really a dog person. I'd make a fine hermit if I could swing it. So long as I could get DSL hooked up in my cave.

But, when comes the apocalypse there will come a sad day when that connection to the net will become spotty at best. People and pets will become important replacements for companionship when you (I) lose the low-budget pixelated goodness that was so often relied upon in the past. Sad day.

What can a well trained dog do that porn can't? There are so many blue responses to that question, that I shall refrain from uttering even a one. You however may knock yourselves out.

Humanity's relationship with Canines began some 15,000 years ago. Unless you're a new earth biblical literalist, then it began sometime between yesterday and 6000 years ago. Anyhow, Canines are pack animals with a hierarchy that humans subsumed and took over in those last few thousand years before the rise of civilization.

The Human-Canine pairing has been an extremely beneficial partnership to both species. We are slightly more intelligent and have opposable thumbs which allow us to operate doors, vehicles and can-openers while they're talents lie in peeing on things (Even the best human isn't a tenth as talented as a dog in this arena), with extraordinarily sharp senses of smell and hearing.

Dogs are swift and tireless runners with hearing that extends well beyond our range and a sense of smell that dwarfs our own. As previously stated. This would make them valuable in the activities of hunting and sentry duty. As anyone out there with a dog can attest, especially when there is a particularly bad infestation of squirrels to be dealt with. They are ever alert and willing to protect the borders of their yards from incursions. They have in the past been used as pest control (rats and other varmints)

In addition to that, they're affectionate and obedient – which are the two traits that most of modern humanity seems to praise in their animal companionship. Dogs give the illusion of always loving their pack leaders/owners no matter what kind of an asshole you are. You always have the dog. I personally don't like that sort of slavishness in pet or person. I want some level of self-reliance in those around me.

But this is what they have been bred for. Some of them. Others seem to exist for celebutants to haul around in their purses. There are literally hundreds of breeds of dogs – all of which, no matter the shape and size, can interbreed with one another.. For those last fifteen thousand years, we've been selecting the traits that we like and reinforcing them. As such there is a breed for about every purpose imaginable. From herding to guarding to sitting on laps and barking at the neighbors.

As such, many breeds have become overbred and inbred to the point of weakness and collapse as their gene pool is narrowed to a very small spectrum. They have developed genetic psychological and physiological problems. I think I would prefer some solid and heavily mixed mutt. It is quite amazing how widely this species has been altered. Chihuahuas and Saint Bernards are part of the same species(and they would make some bizarre puppies).

When the chosen cataclysm arrives their acute senses will once again rise into ascension. Dogs will no longer be companions, but pack members. Where they belong.

Have I won you over to the dog's cause yet?

The one trick to having a dog around is that they, like humans, need to be trained. They need to be taught to crap outdoors and not to steal food from the table. They need to be instructed that the mailman is our friend. Many breeds of dogs are very clever and intelligent, about as much so as human children. They can understand words and tone, and are able to communicate in their own way. They're pack animals, but also creatures with needs and desires of their own. They understand fairness, if not equality. Many exhibit a range emotions beyond even the capabilities of some humans.

They will be a valuable addition to any pack, with aforementioned training. Consistent treatment. Dogs needs discipline, exercise and affection, in that order.

I must say, I know jack about training a dog. I've seen several episodes of the Dog Whisperer, but I've never put the man's teachings into practice. One day, perhaps, when I have a place to live that can bear a dog's inhabitation more than my small apartment. Then, I'll be joining the masses in teaching my puppy useless tricks. - I'm not a terrible fan of dogs, but for some reason I do want one, because in the end, I do like them.

Quoth the Bruce: Hooch for the Pooch

Wine, whiskey, beer. Booze. The Nectar of the Gods.

I am a teetotaler. I shall admit this right away. I'll let Penn Jillette explain it for you. Though my folks weren't teetotalers. And I've tasted wine and beer. I use wine for cooking – tip, it makes foods taste better. I've never at all been interested in getting drunk. Many of my friends and family are fond of imbibing.

On with it.

Aside from the obvious intoxicant purposes, Ethanol has many beneficial uses. Cooking was mentioned above. Alcohol can be burned in an internal combustion engine as a source of fuel. In strong enough concentrations it can be used as a relatively harmless anti-biotic on human skin as it kills bacteria and viruses on contact.

When consumed by humans and other animals it has a profound chemical effect on the brain and alters the function. This is why it has been prized by Western society for the last 10,000 years. In many societies, the English Royal Navy being one, booze was a part of the daily rations. It provides both the pleasant effects and also acts as a source of fuel for the human body. Alcohol is high in carbohydrates. The side effect being a tendency for it to be turned into fat in the human body. Think “Beer Gut”.

Alcohol is a liquid formed by the fermentation of various types of plant matter. Basically, a natural group of fungii feed on the sugar in fruits and grains and created the bi-product that is ethanol(among others, but ethanol is the one that humans consume for pleasure). That's right, alcohol is the excrement of mushrooms. This makes the first type of alcohol. Beer and wine are the most notable.

Step two, which is optional, is distilling the liquid. This involves slowly boiling the mixture in a still and separating the alcohol from the rest of the mixture and thus concentrating it. This is the process that they use to make the hard liquors such as whiskey and other spirits such as vodka and brandy.

Depending on the type of Apocalypse(come on Zombies!) there may be a plethora of available booze to choose from for years to come. Some of it gets better with time, for a while at least. But it can be expected that most alcohol will have a fairly long and stable shelf-life. How long? I don't know. Too many factors including how the bottles are arranged when they're stored, light and humidity. It seems that keeping the confection away from light and at a constant and relatively cool temperature is suggested by those in the know.

As a teetotaler why would I ever go into the alcohol business? Well there's the chance that I might gain appreciation for the nectar. But this is unlikely. Other people will want booze though. Humanity likes to drink when times are good and loves the sauce when times are bad. Getting drunk is escapism – and should be much more in demand if the world truly goes to hell.

Trade though is the biggest reason. If you've seen Romero's movie Land of the Dead, there is a scene where some of the scavengers raid a liquor store to trade to the folks back home. Which in and of itself is believable. The part that I can't buy is that society in the movie is still employing Yankee Geenbacks. Paper money is abundant and its value will be nothing after a cataclysm. Gold and gemstones are about the same, as any one of hundreds of jewelry stores across the continent will be rife with the sparklies. None of which have any real value and instead are more a symbol of wealth. They're tokens or coupons.

With a crash of currency, will come a barter economy. Skills and goods. Skills to make goods.

This is to say, booze will sell well and it's a fine trade item that, if you have the right knowledge and equipment, you can restock with relative ease. And unless the wastelands are taken over by overly moral religious zealots then booze will be eternally popular. If the zealots do take control, booze will still be popular, just more dangerous to deal in.

Urban Survival Guide I just read this, he has quite a list of different trade items to stockpile. Peruse at your leisure. Mind, he is quite serious about the subject.

If you want to practice now, there are widely available home brewing and wine making kits. They range from $25 on up. What makes one better than another, I admit no clue.

Getting high on jet fuel.

You know, it might be fun to learn how to fly. An aircraft. Learning to fly without one would be one million times more awesome. And one million times less likely. It's like the difference between finding a dollar on the street and winning the lotto.

Well, I think I have a decent grasp of odds, so I shall take what I can get. I think that an aircraft is a bit more in my reach. Though not by much.

With about as much money as it costs to buy a decent motorcycle you can purchase an Ultra Light Aircraft. This is a bare bones vehicle that is some what earthbound and slow compared to say a jumbo-jet. But who the hell cares? $8000 is all it takes to start flying! - This of course is usually for a kit, some assembly required and all that. The full ride will run you twice that, about the price of a compact car.

Now, that's what the actual equipment will run you. Lessons, and storage and fees for using the field. Fuel? That's always expensive. But the costs will all add up. I'm guessing that this is an expensive hobby. I imagine it's a rush. For people who aren't afraid of heights and can pony up the bucks.

For those of you who are poor (or don't like to risk dying) – well I have a partial answer – Flight simulators. Practice, without moving. What's up my lazy brothers and sisters. You can even pretend to get into huge battles against other lazy/poor folk. And then do it all over again. You know how many times the Red Baron shot my ass down? Doesn't matter, cause I got him in the end! It was like 241. But hey, I lived to fly another day, all because I never got into a real plane.

All for the cost of a decent computer, a joystick and the software. I'll assume that most people who may be reading this at least have the first. If you run Linux, you can get the third for free. Leaving a joystick as about the only add on. Hell, the basic level of x-plane will run you around $30.00, and it looks pretty damned amazing. They have incorporated the real world into the game – almost all of the terrain between the Arctic and Antarctic circles. In addition to what seems like a large variety of planes to fly and real world physics.

Inexpensive comes at a cost, and this is in pure practical experience. How do you read the dials? What does actually flying feel like. And any lessons learned from doing stupid shit, might not be taken to heart without the near disaster to hammer them home. - Like many things in life, it can be likened unto sex and masturbation. I'll leave you to fill in the blanks in the comparison.

Then again, you can get away with making really really stupid mistakes.

You all know what flying means. Getting from New York to LA in a few hours instead of a few days. Jumping over the traffic. No greasy diners or skeezy hotel rooms in fly-over country! Well, this all holds for the post-apocalyptic world too. Fast travel when other methods might take a heavy toll on lives.

Navigation will be a challenge. Go a degree or two off course, at 300 mph, and after a couple hours you're hundreds of miles from where you intended to be. When your car runs out of gas, you roll to a stop and then get out and walk. As you've guessed, running out of fuel in an aircraft involves a lot less annoyed rolling and very much more screaming and plummeting. I'm not really a fan of heights or falling quickly to earth. I'll need to look into this, from a distance. Problem two, when you've sorted the fuel issue out, is finding a proper place to land. For now, airports dot the

A way to get around the landing issue, is of course to magic-up yourself a helicopter. They're fast and powerful and can take off and land vertically. Which means you can land on roof tops and forest clearings and the like. Sweet! Oh wait? What will this cost? Well, helicopters are expensive. A used model will run you about as much as a 3 bedroom house, unless you live in Detroit, then ten houses. Helicopters are extremely complex machines that require a ton of maintenance. If you fail in that, keep in mind that they lack any sort of real gliding capability. - Add that to the fact that Helicopters seem to be difficult to learn how to fly – and you have yourself a specialty aircraft.

A nice mix? The Auto-gyro. Technology from the early XXth century, which involves a unpowered rotor blade al la the Helicopter, that spins as the vehicle is pushed or pulled forward, this creating lift. And if the engine goes out? Then you have a glider. It seems to be a simple machine when compared to it's compatriots, making it easy to build and maintain – and though it isn't VTOL like the helicopter, it doesn't need nearly as much space to take off and land. And you think that isn't cool enough? Well, keep in mind that James Bond used one in You Only Live Twice. Sean Connery/James Bond's seal of approval.

Go out and buy one today!

Where does all this jibber-jabber apply to the real world? Or at least how we imagine the real world to look after the Flash? What better way to avoid wastelands inhabited by blood thirsty warlords and hordes of brain-hungry zombies than by flying right over it? An aircraft allows for maximum mobility. With a plane you can get to places that would be impossible to assail in any other manner, all by jumping over the impeding terrain. People use small planes all the time when flying around the bush in Alaska, to reach remote villages or lodges.

And as Mad Max's creepy looking companion taught us. Re-taught us, the first two World Wars already hammered in the lessons for most people. But the lesson is, air-superiority can be essential to defeating foes. Taking the high ground is strategically and tactically important. Only space is higher than the sky, and we'll get to building and launching a death satellite later on.

I mean really, when the aliens arrive and sweep aside our military like so many angry ants, they're going to need talented, or at least skilled, or at least willing pilots to step up and go on the next suicide run. If the world is going to die, I want to do so going mach 2 as my missiles explode and my guns click empty.

So yeah, time to pick up that flight sim and watch Independence Day.

Tourism, and how to find the places you want to see!

It's been a while since I've done one of these. A pity, they can be so much fun to write. I hope you folks enjoy reading them as much.

Navigation. The ability to plot a course and get from point A to point B. This has become a lost art over the last few years with the rise of GPS devices. Reading a map? Who does that any more? Now you have the nice friendly voice that comes out of the little glowy box to tell you that you need to take the next exit and turn left. GPS is the equivalent of using a calculator to do simple math problems, it makes the job easier but it also tends to rot* your brain.

It is highly probable, that after the end, you might wish to get out and travel the world. Maybe as a tourist to see the wrecked monuments of our civilization's failed past. Or perhaps you just want to leave your old and difficult life behind by finding the hidden paradise that is Lost Vegas. Plenty of Food! Booze! And hot cocktail waitresses! And not a flesh-eating mutant in sight! All with entertaining shows by today's headliners? What's not to want?

I don't know the specifics of the GPS grid. Though I did read a while back that our GPS satellites are beginning to fail. This being said, I don't know how much interaction with the ground control that they require to continue to function properly. I would guess that the satellites are all rather autonomous with all the hardware that they need built right in. But I cannot say for sure.

Anyhow, the grid was only built to last for 20 or 30 years survival in the harsh environment that is space. We have not begun to replace the aging grid. We're closing on the minimum number of points necessary to keep the system going. And unless the government or industry gets off it's ass soon, we're borked. (Don't worry, Europe or China will probably step up as we - the USA- sink into obscurity).

Fun times.

Then comes the 'Pocalypse!

I'm going to assume that even if the world shattering event, the majority of road signs will have survived. After all, the ex-college students will have more important things too fill their time than collecting that super sweet stop sign for their lair. With a map and road signs, getting to where you want to go, technically, is a snap. Sure you might run into some romantic biker gangs with a little sweet old fashioned rape on their minds. And the cities are probably all infested with flesh-eating zombies. But hey, that's the price you pay for convenience.

Don't want to get your holes violated and, if you're lucky**, left for dead on the side of the road? Well, cross-country travel it is. Which is slightly trickier, but I can see that it doesn't bother you!

Human beings have been navigating the world for nearly a thousand years using simple tools such as the compass. The Empires of Europe managed to learn how to cross huge stretches of empty and desolate ocean using a clock, a compass and a sextant. The ocean all looks the same, and landmarks are few and far between – and yet people can accurately

Of course this requires a decent map as well as the other tools. You also need to know the difference between longitude and latitude on the grid. Don't know them? Well honestly, neither do I. Even after taking several geography classes I still can't keep them straight. But I'm easily confused. Just look at the Stalagmite-Stalactite, Gary Buesy-Nick Nolte, Butter-I Can't Believe It's Not Butter – conundrums. Which one's which? I don't know.

Longitude – East or West. The harder of the two to pin down. It wasn't until a highly complex watch/clock was invented that determining latitude accurately was possible. On board ship, one clock was used to keep track of time back on the Prime Meridian, and the other clock is set to local time – which itself is ascertained by carefully monitoring the path of the sun. Time zones are important here. You compare noon in your current location to what your London clock says, calculate the difference in hours and minutes and you have your general location compared to London. Just make absolutely sure that first clock is always accurate, or you'll be lost.

Latitude – North or South. Rather the north and south lines from the Equator – which represents 0 degrees. They go up to 90 at the Poles. Fairly easy to ascertain by calculating the angle of the sun. Well, not easy, but possible to do on the fly. Combine A and B, and you can find position on any point in the world. No GPS.

With over-land travel, you'll hopefully have a vague series of landmarks, like cities and roads. Even if you avoid direct contact with the roads and their rape-minded cannibalistic citizens, you'll still be able to see them from afar and thus get your bearings. With those landmarks, a compass and an atlas, you should be golden.

This is of course assuming that the world hasn't been consumed in a nuclear fire. Or covered in ten feet of volcanic ash. Or... Well if that's the case, fuck traveling and just stay home in your bunker. I think next time we'll discuss putting together a kick ass harem for the purposes of repopulating*** the world.

* Perhaps Atrophy is better than Rot here – you stop using your brain and the skills that you need to perform these tasks. This leads to you getting 'rusty'

** The unlucky ones are kept by the rape gangs for long term fun.

*** Woohoo Sex!

Hippie hippie quite contripy how does your Garden grow?

Well alas it is now September. Where has the summer gone? The same place as they all eventually do, it marched slowly from the future to the present and finally into the past. Now we come to the blessedly cool(hopefully) autumn. My favorite time of the year.

I mentioned farming as an important skill to have when comes the 'pocalypse. I still feel this way, and I don't recall if I mentioned it, but we decided to try an indoor garden to see if we, a pair of college educated adults who have been around gardens much of our lives, could make anything grow indoors. Call it a precursor for some dreams I have for my eventual post apocalyptic survival compound.

We had one large south-facing window in our second story apartment in which to drop pots in front of and hopefully soak up the solar light, water and heat and transform that through magic into edible food stuffs. I think I covered the basics in my last post, but here it is again. We bought several cubic feet of potting soil, filled some five gallon buckets that had originally come filled with cat litter, and then planted several varieties of plants in said buckets.

Our plant list was as such.
1 grape tomato plant (From planter)
1 planter of snap peas on a vine (from seeds)
1 planter of green beans bush variety(from seeds - meant to plant the vine variety – oops)
1 planter of several varieties of lettuce (from planter)
1 planter of green (red) peppers (from planter)
and the herb garden with Rosemary, thyme, basil, oregano and dill. (seeds and planter)
1 indoor miniature perpetual strawberry plant

Now here's the update on our haul. Of the listed plants only the lettuce, pepper, basil and oregeno are still flourishing. The lettuce is fading fast – while the peppers have just begun to flower. I have high hopes for the peppers.

My first problem was the transfer from the original pots to their final homes in the planters. I would guess that I was not nearly as nimble as is necessary to keep the sprouts in top shape.

The strawberry plant was the first to go. We left for a weekend and when we returned it was covered with a web that was formed by a colony of small white insects. No clue what they are, and my quick google search has failed to provide clues.

I over-watered the green beans and snap peas both became moldy and water-logged, killing them in the process. Nothing came of the snap peas, as they just never matured enough. The green beans produced five. Not pounds. Five beans. Rather a disappointment.

The tomato plant exploded until it was around 7 or 8 feet tall. We had wrapped it in a cage early on, but this didn't help much as it collapsed under it's own weight. Afterwards it really largely stopped production. I think that the plant needs to be outside among other tomatoes so that it can pollinate and be pollinated in a giant plant orgy. We got 4 tomatoes out of it. Mind you, these are grape tomatoes. I don't know how they tasted as I detest raw tomatoes.

What I have learned about the herb garden. First Rosemary is a real bitch to get going. Found that little tidbit out later on. When growing rosemary it is best to get a plant that has already been started than trying to raise your own from seed. I planted an entire packet of seeds(100 perhaps) and have nothing to show for it. The rest of the herbs sprouted easily and shot up like weeds, while I got two or three sprouts of rosemary, none of which got more than an inch or two tall.

The oregeno and basil did smashingly well. But they need more room and crowded out the thyme, which had a strong start but died in the end due to a lack of sunlight. On retrospect I might have been able to nurse it back to health, assuming that it is as hardy as common lawn grass. The dill dried out and faded away.

All in all, the plants need more room and better drainage(or someone with a less itchy trigger finger on the watering can). More light would help too. The single window was crowded, especially when that damned tomato plant took off.

This has been an interesting experience, and judging by the amount of food produced, a largely failed experiment. But one valuable for future reference should the inclination take us to plant again in the spring. This was a rather lost cause in terms of payout. Hopefully it works better with more open land. For now, I am set aback by the fact that I am a rather shitty farmer and I dread the day the apocalypse comes. Though I did manage to make it through my experience without losing any digits.

I just started reading My Empire of Dirt by Manny Howard. So far so good. And it provides a fun story that is far more in depth and ambitious than my own - mostly due to my lack of resources. Good to see that I'm not alone in my crazy flights of fancy.

Sailing for adventure on the big blue wet thing.

I have a distinct feeling that the sea and I are mutually exclusive. I've avoided it to date as I fear that I am prone to seasickness. Mind, I don't know for certain, I'm just afraid that this will be the case. Can you imagine being stuck on a boat for hours upon hours trying to fight back the overwhelming urge to puke? Yeah, that's what keeps me away. There was this one time that I visited Cedar Point in Ohio. I was able to ride a single rollercoaster. I was fine up to and after that point. Then I had a hot dog. Spent the rest of the day with waves of nausea rolling over me.

It was a shitty experience.

I knew I should have skipped the hot dog.

would honestly like to explore the world and see it from the seas. To have that mobile house and putter about at my own leisure. Unless I somehow become one of Fortune's Favorites, I doubt that this dream will be made a reality.

Anyhow. Sailing. My primary escape plan for many apocalyptic scenarios is to flee to the embrace of the sea. Zombies. Nuclear war. Radioactive Zombie invasion. Global Warming. Run out of Fossil fuels. Whatever happens, there are a wide range of situations that would see me glad to get the hell out of dodge aboard a sailboat.

Why a sail boat? Think of it, unless the sun stops shining, there will always be wind power. Today might be calm, and tomorrow. But sooner or later the wind will pick back up. The same goes for the use of wind turbines for electricity. The wind will Always be there. So it makes sense to harness it for every applicable use. Sailing especially.

I've always had that part of my mind that is concerned with resources. Fuel. Ammo. The ability to obtain more and keep going. Eventually, after a collapse of our civilization and the industrial knowhow that it represents, human society is going to run out of the liquid fuels.

The wind is free source of energy. The sun heats the atmosphere and causes the air to move and circulate. Though wind does lack the overall reliability of say gasoline. Nor is it as straight forward, as a boat is forced to tack back and forth to travel against the wind. But the allure of wind, well has already been stated. In the long run fuel will be just one less thing to worry about. Up sail and go.

Have I won you over yet? Doesn't matter, here I go.

Now, the unlimited free fuel that the wind represents is fantastic. Humans have been using it to power their vessels for thousands of years, and in the mean time have been able to stretch out and explore the entire globe. Early on, we were forced to either go whichever direction the wind was blowing, or to labor heavily with the oars. This was how the Viking Longboats worked. Can you imagine fighting against a storm in an ancient wooden ship by pulling at the oars until you collapsed? Yeah, our ancestors were bad-assed.

Eventually navel powers developed the triangular sail, which allows a boat to sail into the wind at a 45 degree angle. Ie, if the wind is coming out of the north, you can tack back and forth between a northwest and northeast heading in order to get to your destination due north of your location. Depending on the distance, and other circumstance this maneuver may take several executions before you arrive safely.

Getting it to work well is probably a science and an art.

So, zig-zagging back and forth makes travel more difficult, as you can imagine. You've just increased the length of the trip, and there's a better chance that you'll run into obstacles along the way.

Many sailboats, both ancient and modern come with a variety of differently shaped sails, which are used for different purposes in the course of a voyage. I have no idea how they work. But I'm trying to learn. Honestly, how am I doing so far? I bought the book Sailing for Dummies and read part of it. Fascinating stuff. Easy to read. But I'd need to get some hands on experience before I was able to digest all of the information and fully Grok it.

When the Zombie Apocalypse arrives, I'm getting myself a boat. Zombies can't swim.

Exalt the new God!

I'm thinking about writing my own quasi-spiritual novel in order to form the foundation of my own hack religion. I mean, this worked for the likes of L Ron Hubbard. And It would be awesome to bring in a sizable load of funds. Money for nothing and my chicks for free.

You think Summer Glau might join? Ignore the fact that she's smoking hot. Ok, don't ignore it, you can't, but set that aside for a few minutes. She's both a trained dancer and martial artist. Who doesn't want someone like that around? My compound is going to need a dancy-ass-kicker to keep the peace. Hell, any of the female members of the cast of Firefly. Viva La difference!

I don't think my bullshit capabilities are up to par. I'd get Jamal white and Paris Hilton. Pessimistic of me, yes, but also a realistic assessment of my skills in creating a whirlpool of mumbo-jumbo and then selling it to the spiritually devoid.

But really, in the Apocalypse, who wants to hole up with a bunch of movie stars? Sure, they're pretty. That doesn't really come at all in handy. Less so when you realize that a fair number of celebrities are psychologically damaged attention whores(not all of them, but enough). Put five or ten of them together and will it be like watching the cast of Jersey Shore? Stupid, petty drama.

I can live without that. Maybe. I suppose it would be better than being alone.

If I have my say, I want people with practical skills(ie, the shit on this list). Not borderline sociopath who plays make-believe really well. (Un)fortunately, Scientology seems to have scooped most of the cracked cases up. Kudos to you Scientology for your goldmine!

Creating a religion is a grand tradition in humanity, and quite useful. Just ask the Jews. Their shared collection of stories and beliefs have held them together through conquest after conquest. Then dispersal. And finally genocide. They have for years faced discrimination and worse from both the pagans and gentiles amongst whom they lived. And though they're now spread across the face of the world, they're still a collective culture who sees itself as a single people. No matter the color of the individual's skin. Maybe that's how they've managed to take over the world!*

*SARCASM. That was a sarcastic statement. As sarcasm is difficult to judge via text, I felt the need to add this disclaimer. So, thin-skinned assholes who are easily offended by stereotypes, and Nazis/Rednecks/Klansmen or whoever, Kindly refrain from emailing me,

The important part about starting a religion isn't the details, though those will come later, it's the ability to bullshit and stick with your story and convince the gullible that you know what you're talking about. Example, Joe Smith. Part of his spiel was that an angel had given him a set of gold tablets that nobody else was allowed to see. They purportedly held the story of the Native American peoples, who were lost tribes of Israel. I shan't go further, but I will admit that I am a cynic when it comes to prophets and their tales.

So, create an interesting set of stories that present some moral lessons. Claim to have received spiritual wisdom from on high and then stick by my guns.

Religion has two main effects. The good is that it strengthens the bonds within the group and makes them a people rather than a number of individuals. The society now has a common thread. This is what religion has been used for since the dawn of time. Why the Roman Emperors adopted Christianity when they did. They seek unity.

The down side of having an US means that you need a THEM. And outsiders are usually considered less valuable. They don't share your culture or beliefs. You know nothing about them and who the outsiders are or how they will behave. They are frightening and potentially dangerous, rather than fellow humans. How easy it is to strike out violently against the unknown other and treat them in a manner that doesn't befit another human being. In a way that you wouldn't even treat an ox.

So, I gotta watch out, or this religion thing can backfire on me. And potentially on the whole of humanity, depending on how good my story is. Still any hot female doctors out there who want to get in on the ground floor?

The curse of Babel

In the inspired words of Bruce Willis: Lady I only speak two languages: English and Bad English.

Well that statement applies to me. And I cannot really even vouch for my mastery of English. At least in spoken form.

I live in the United States and the language most widely spoken is the aforementioned English. It is our universal and common tongue. For now. Second is Spanish. If you count Canada as part of the states, and some do, you also have French. These are the three languages that I would most likely be to encounter whilst traveling from sea to shining sea.

Of course, this being the United States, we have people from all corners of the globe. In pockets secreted around the country it is conceivable that just about every language still spoken by the Human race is used to communicate thoughts between people.

Then there are the various dialects of English. You know what it means when someone say “Oi poodle up the Mud Flap ya wankin' geezer!” Or “Give it to me Yahoo Serious style!” No? Neither do I. To be honest I'm sure I'd rather keep it that way, judging by the words I do understand. But still, it's fascinating how we've taken a single language with so many common and twisted it to make it incomprehensible to the rest of the world.

Quite some time ago, around when I was 18 years old, I decided that I would learn two phrases in as many other languages as humanly possible. They were 1) your breasts look magnificent, may I feel them? 2) Ow ow, please stop hitting me, I was only joking. Hey, I was a horny teenager, and it seemed like a good idea at the time. It still strikes me as being funny, now that I'm a horny adult. How far did I get in that goal? I can say the phrases in English. Most of the time. Sometimes I still trip up.

I realize something about myself. Linguistics isn't a field of study for me. I am abysmal at memorization. And in order to learn a new language, you need to download a whole new vocabulary. Hell, even visiting a place like Texas where they call all carbonated beverages 'Coke', frightens and confuses me. But then, that might just be the effect that Texas has on most people.

I'm a lazy bastard. That's why I'm here writing about kick ass areas of endeavor instead of going out and mastering them!

Right now, unless one of you wants to donate a lot of money, it is doubtful that I will be on foreign soil if/when the apocalypse occurs. So, English and Spanish. I have a fair range of English. But my Spanish leaves to be desired. I've considering learning some more than counting to ten, mostly so I can get the full worth out of watching unovision and it's bevy of scantily clad beauties. As it stands, I can sing most of the words to the song Labamba and I can inform you of my firmly held opinion about pants: They are the devil.

Los Pantalones son el Diablo!

See? Pretty sweet huh.

So, if you ever need someone to tell a group of folks in espaniol that pants suck. I am your man. Translate some instructions into Russian on diffusing a bomb – you better probably look somewhere else. My only instructions would be 1) don't panic! don't panic! don't panic! 2) Run!

Behold the power of the written word!

Writing. The companion to reading. The two combined skills make up the set that we call literacy and they tend to go hand in hand. When you learn how to translate the symbols that are used for written language, you usually learn how to make them, and then string them together to make words of your own. Written language, as I've said, is the most fantastic tool that our species has managed to develop. How else do you permanently expand the human memory? And then allow it to be passed onto subsequent generations intact?

These are our laws. Our traditions. How you grow corn. Who was snogging who in the royal palace. Some of these accounts are more important than others. Yes indeed. But that is the power of the written word, for today you can record, and then future generations can make those decisions. Ideas can not only be diffused geographically, but carried forward in time. Ideas are powerful. Being able to record and share them? That's a force multi-plier right there. And a powerful one at that.

Writing to Civilization is like Quad-Damage to Quake.

But making the symbols represents the most rudimentary grasp of the skill.

Like everything else, you can know how to write and how to Write. True writing involves not just scratching out symbols, but also the act of communication. Effective communication. This is where the true merit of the skill lies. To take a complex set of instructions or events and transcribe them in a manner that is easily understood, without extra explanation, that's a talent to nurture.

Treaties, manuals and love letters. They all require a the ability to carefully arrange the written word. Else they lose their power. “Hey Dog, how are you.” has a vastly different meaning than “Hey Dawg, how are you.” Don't believe me? Try writing a letter to your girlfriend using the first variation. Odds are that expressing your regret properly will run into a rather large offering of chocolate and flowers.

It'll be funny. Do it.

We currently live in a wonderful time for writers. We have two awesome tools that make the process simple and clean. The first leads to the second, and it is, Word Processing software. WP allows the writer to quickly and easily change words, and sentences. Even paragraphs. This is a wonderful labor-saving device and I love it for my own work. In knowing how to compose and write, one can even learn to hide information within the language. Poems and stories can become coded messages.

The second tool, as was mentioned, is built into most word processing software. Guessed what it is yet? Bingo, spell-check. The English language consists of hundreds of thousands of words, and for most ordinary humans remembering how to spell them all is nigh on impossible. At the same time, miss-spelling words makes you look like an imbecile. More so if you're working on a formal project. In addition to looking stupid with miss-spelling, as was alluded to earlier, you can also change the meaning of the sentence.

How to avoid this? Practice and experience. They're about all you can do. Just like most aspects of life. No problem right? You probably already have a computer. All you need to do is start a blog. Like everyone else on the internet. Then you can practice all you like, and people might even read what you wrote. And come back to call you an idiot.

We need to preserve the knowledge about all things writing. Else, who will record the naughty sonnets and limericks that we compose in our time of despair?

For there once was a man from Nantucket.

The Rapture is coming...And there it went!

Today is the 21st of May. For most that means nothing, or would, had not a small group of loud Evangelical Christians not declared that this was the day of the Rapture, the Bible says so. They posted billboards across the world, and bought ads for the radio. They were certain that the end times were upon us. Just watch, after I've posted this, the Rapture will occur. Then I'll look like an ass.

Good thing nobody is actually paying attention.

Well, it's noon on Saturday(Eastern Time Zone), and there hasn't been word of the Rapture yet. Some parts of the world, it's already the 22nd of May. Needless to say, I'm a might disappointed. Both with the world and with myself. Though I'm not an Evangelical, or even a Christian, that doesn't mean that they could be right about the end. Though, I would prefer a good old fashioned Zombie Apocalypse, beggars can't be choosers. I even joined the facebook 'looting with the rapture' party. I won't even be getting a new television. This makes me Doubly disappointed!

For, now it is time to take stock. Where I would like to be, and where I am.

Now the ideal is to live on my own self-sustaining little farmstead somewhere removed from civilization I think. I do like civilization with all the perks. But, the movies always tell us that there will be looters and gangs an giant monsters attacking cities. With all those people cities are natural targets for aliens and nuclear bombs. Plus, they'll be the source for the hordes of walking dead. So, I need to find myself a nice quiet piece of land somewhere and set up my homestead and go all Green Acres.

I've actually been looking into underground homes recently. Building, not buying, since they seem to be rather rare. I like them since they are tornado-proof(I live in the midwest and that's important). They're energy efficient, staying warm in the winter and cool in the summer. Also excellent. Setting one on fire, in a siege situation will be nigh impossible. As will shooting through most of the walls. The downside is that I plan to install skylights, which will have ground access for any would-be looter. Oh well, can't have everything, and I do love natural light.

This has not happened. In fact, I still live in a second floor apartment in the center of a largish town in the mid-west. I rent. And the closest I've gotten to actually setting up a farm is by taking old 5 gallon buckets and planting a small indoor garden. So far, week three, the plants have not died. But there have been bumps in the road. Instead of Pole beans, I got bush beans. Considering my lack of space, they are not nearly the same. Yes, I failed at an important skill. Reading. The package clearly says 'bush beans'. I am a sad Panda.

I'm doomed.

So. I'm in the wrong place. I can still make the best of it right? I did spend some time with my cousin practicing archery back in April. I might be able to hit a deer, so long as it's standing still, from thirty feet away. Now, I'm rather vague on what 'hitting the target means', as I won't likely score a head or heart shot. But I might be able to graze their nose or tail. That still counts as a hit. Hopefully the deer ends up dying laughing. It's my only hope.

I don't yet have a bow. So, the animal dying laughing is my best bet. Or I can use my aged Lumina to score a kill. But then what do I do? I still don't know how to dress the deer after I kill it. I hope the supermarket is still open through the Apocalypse.

On to other material tools and the like. IE weapons. In my stock are 1 military issue k-bar knife. And 1 unsharpened Gurka Kukri. That is it and all. No warhammers, or katanas or even a base ball bat. Not to mention my serious lack of firearms. I still need to swing one of these – or something like it. But alas, no time or spare money. Guess I'll need to improvise. Like the lone black character in The Signal.

Chainmail? Well, I did pick up a half mile of wire. But I've not woven a chainkini, and even if I had one on hand, I don't have a beautiful woman to wear it. I also haven't had much opportunity to practice my oral sex technique. So, that's rather a lost cause. But, I guess I can keep hoping. It's all I have.

I still can't tell a blue-berry bush from Sage. Nor can I find true north on a cloudy day. I also have never set up a temporary shelter. So, I guess I better stay out of the woods for the time being.

I did get a Mandolin. I still have yet to learn even the basics of the Mandolin. Nor have I even found a book about playing the mandolin. Though, given my inability to read a freaking package of seeds, I doubt that a book with complex instructions would help much.

Damn, I am unprepared. Loser. Good thing this was a false alarm.

At least the CDC is on the ball with this blog post.

Kickin' it Fudd skool.

As an Omnivore I can digest both meat and vegetable matter. As a human being animal protein(meat) is an important part of my diet, as has been the case for the last two million years of our species existence on this planet. No matter what folks might believe, we evolved as meat eaters and hunters. Our ancestors spent much of their lives following herds of herbivores and killing them with sharpened sticks, and considering how we've spread like a virus, our ancestors were pretty damn good at hunting. I guess that the suckers never heard of hot pockets being in their grocer's freezer.

Yes, the rednecks are right. Hunting and eating animals is a part of our genetic heritage. Though now it's done more for sport than subsistence needs. Some consider it to be a right of passage. Or an important connection to the natural world. Mostly it just seems to be a chance for them to exercise their natural instincts and go out and kill something. While drinking beer and hanging out in the woods.

It is highly conceivable that the drive through at McDonalds will be closed for the foreseeable future, and damn it, I really don't want to actually have to get out of my car and go inside to get a lousy hamburger. I'll just have to adapt. So, on to Plan B! Going out into the woods and killing and processing animals.

The clear upside of wild animals is that they don't need to be cared for by humans and are capable of surviving where our domesticated livestock would die in droves. Cows, pigs and the like tend to need medications and special kinds of feed, as we've bred their ability to adapt out of them over the last few centuries. So, you might be able to take a gun out to Farmer Bob's place and bang away at the ducks and sheep for a while, but soon enough they're probably going to die off, leaving the fittest to take over al la Darwin. But this might take a few years, or decades even, and that's assuming that they're not hunted to extinction by hungry and short-sighted humans. I make no assumptions when it comes to our species.

Which leaves us with wild game.

there are generally two ways to approach hunting.

The first, which is rather popular in many places as our population has gotten rather fat and lazy, is to sit hidden in a blind and wait for the animal to come to you. Then, you shoot it with a high powered rifle or shotgun and celebrate how you've successfully re-established your roots with nature.

Blind hunting involves a lot of sitting and waiting for the prey animal to come to you. Here in the USA, the preferred animal is the white-tail deer. Typically the hunter will either construct a blind(ranging from permanent structure in the woods, to a more flimsy and mobile tent) or they set up a tree stand. Either way, they're confined to that location as they sit quietly and wait for a deer to cross their field of vision. If you're truly hardcore and dedicated, you even use some sort of bait to lure the dumb animals in. That takes preparation and fore-thought though. As well as expandable food-stuffs. But it does increase your chances for a kill. Some might consider this unsportsmanlike. Blah blah blah. There's no such thing as fair when you're in danger of starving to death Take any advantage that you can.

The second method of active hunting is stalking. You take your weapon and walk through fields and woods looking for animals to kill. This was how our most ancient ancestors proceeded. We as a species have advantages and disadvantages. Most animals are faster than us, though we are excellent distance runners. In addition our senses of smell and hearing and sight are relatively weak when compared across the spectrum of our competitors. Most of us are loud and rather clumsy. Years of sitting in office chairs have made us soft and flabby. So, we'll be giving ourselves away the moment we step into the woods to look for prey.

Our advantages consist of the ability to think abstractly and logically – which allows us to puzzle out problems. Some animals like octopi are also capable of some problem solving. So we aren't alone, at least on a basic level. What we do have is opposable thumbs, which allows us to create and manipulate tools. You ever seen a bear with a machine gun? Didn't think so. These skills offset our relative lack of speed, strength, sense and natural weapons. With luck, persistence and the proper tools, one should expect to bag something. Though as Les Stroud says, hunting as a means of survival is a rather iffy proposition, especially when you're alone. He brings to the table his documentation of many weeks gone without a proper meal in the bush.

So you've deered to kill your first dare. Congratulations. Now what are you going to do with that still steaming lump of mutilated flesh that used to be one of God's creatures? Here's an instructional video on field-dressing a deer carcass. Mind, it is extremely graphic. I guess the fact that it was set to Country Music doesn't much help either.

There are other ways to harvest animals. Traps can be especially effective and they require little energy after the initial set-up. As animals generally aren't overly Snares are a fantastic way to take rabbits. What must be taken into account is the fact that you can scale traps up to work on a massive scale for larger animals – as did our ancient ancestors with Gazelle traps all over the mid-east. Assuming that there is a large herd of herbivores to cull, these traps can help feed a substantial number of people.

But, if there are a substantial number of people to feed, it would be best to harness their labor revert to the agrarian ways of our more recent past. You can feed more people on grains and potatoes than you can with hunting, which is how our species really managed to conquer the planet. Hunting will do as a stop-gap measure until more reliable means of food production is found. Relying on wild game too heavily will deplete said game, forcing you to either move on to new territory or to starve. A decision our ancestors faced constantly.

Teach a man to fish feed him for a Pocalypse.

Fishing

I hate fish. And seafood in general. Everything from the smell of it, fresh and cooked, to the taste and texture. I will willingly eat fried shrimp, but only because I love the taste of that tangy red cocktail sauce that comes with it. I can't imagine that much of that will be available when the endtimes arrive. But maybe I'm just a pessimist.

This sucks, because one of my favored plans(assuming I get the right skill set- more on that later) is to take to the oceans to survive. Zombies after all can't swim. The oceans are enormous, and easy to hide on. They have their dangers, storms, and rogue waves and pirates. Effin pirates. But they also have an abundance of available food(though most stocks have been vastly over-fished during the last couple centuries, so this may no longer be the case in 2012). With a proper solar still or a rig in the sails to catch rain, water is no problem either.

Fish, and seafood in general, is a high protein food, and much of the world relies on it to meet their nutritional needs. Humans, especially children need animal protein to develop properly as it is necessary for the building and repairing of muscle. It also provides substantial energy to fuel hard work and survival. The fats from animals such as fish have extremely high caloric intakes, which will help keep you alive in cold weather when the body needs to burn more fuel to remain warm. Accessing any source of protein will be important in a survival situation.

Vegans. Either learn to enjoy steak, or you're about fucked.

But you need to be able to get to all of that food(and be willing to eat it). So, we are at an impasse. But I will assume that I develop a taste for seafood, along with the ability to sail and navigate by starlight. I'll still need away to harvest that bounty. Let's stick with fish, as for clams and the like all you really need to do is hit the beach with a shovel and do some digging. Fish are a fair bit harder to bring in. Collecting shrimp and crabs can be even more difficult.

Really, as Les Stroud has demonstrated more than once, pulling fish out of the sea can be vastly difficult in a survival situation. Oceans, and even rivers and lakes, are large spaces. And the fish therein are finite in number. Maybe you'll get lucky and maybe you won't.

There are three or four general ways to approach fishing. There's angling, which is the classic rod and reel variety. I've done a fair share of this, having grown up in Alaska with a family who loved the outdoors. It takes a fair amount of knowledge, special equipment and skill to prove effective. Spear-fishing would be the second that comes in mind. The name should be enough of a description. Then there's net-fishing. Where one drags a net through the ocean, either by hand or using heavy machinery, and then collecting whatever the net manages to capture. I've done one variant of this as well, called dip-netting, and it's exhausting work for high risk. Finally, you can go the route of the trap such as a fishing wheel. This is popular with native subsistence fishermen along the Yukon and other Alaskan rivers.

I mentioned that fishing with the Rod and Reel method takes some specialized equipment, notably the rod and reel. But in honestly it can be affected with just a sapling and some line. Which are both usually easy to come by. Hooks can even be made from found objects. This method is primitive and limits your options for how you can approach fishing. With the sapling, you're stuck with the baited hook method. You bait the hook while hoping and waiting. Great, if you're a lazy redneck trying to piss away a hot summer afternoon. Not so much so if you're trying to gather food to survive. With modern equipment, you not only have the aforementioned option, you can also employ a variety of flies and lures. As you drag them through the water to entice the fish to strike. You are in effect bringing the food to the fish, rather than waiting for the fish to find the bait. With the right lure and a reasonably stocked stream, this is very effective, and a lot of fun. But it does require some knowledge and technique. Trying to hook coho salmon during a spawning run, using earthworms as bait just isn't going to work. Save the worms for largemouth bass. Here's an excellent source for tips on approaching various types of fish.

Spear fishing. You take a spear and try and use it to stab the fish. Yes, I am known to the world at large as Captain Obvious. Spear fishing requires that you goto the fish, and that you're able to see them and get close enough to strike. So generally, it's easier to do from a boat or through the ice. I guess in this direct manner, one can even lump in the act of climbing into the water and scooping fish out onto the bank with your bare hands, a technique that is sometimes called Noodling in the South. For large game, you can even employ a bow with special barbed arrows. This method is quite popular in the south when hunting the various species of Gar(usually a sport fish as I don't believe that anyone eats them, they have the same overblown reputation as Sharks for being dangerous man-eaters).

Net fishing. Assuming this is the proper term, is how most commercial fishing is done these days. You take a net and try to scoop up passing fish. Sounds really easy. If the water happens to be clear and shallow and teaming with life, then it is. Else, it's rather laborious. Why do you think the Jesus so easily lured a half dozen fishermen away from their jobs to go follow him through the desert for three years. And then when he was executed they were like “Damn it, guess we're gonna have to go back to fishing again!” According to one ancient Egyptian writer, the fisherman career path was the most dangerous a young man could choose. Not only would you be out on the water in a tippy boat, but you would also be swarmed by insects and there was the constant worry of a crocodile turning you from predator to prey. In Alaska, replace Crocodile with Bears. In Alabama, replace Bears and Crocodile with Horny Drunken Redneck. From the small scale guy in his canoe near his village, or even from the shore, to the industrial trawlers scraping the ocean clean of life. The trawler method isn't too practical for loners. Really, none of it it practical if you don't know what you're doing. Where the other methods are generally aimed at getting one fish at a time, using a net can be much more efficient and effective. Each cast can potentially bring back

Using a fish trap, takes the most work, at least up front. After the trap is constructed and put into place, then it tends to be automated. Basically, the fish trap is a large paddle wheel that spins with the current and then scoops up whatever happens to pass underneath. I've seen them used on rivers to harvest salmon, and when the run is in, they are highly effective. This – explains the concept quite well. They even have a picture. Since the wheel is powered by the river, after the wheel is in place, the human element only needs to be around to collect and clean the catch. The downside is that the wheel takes a lot of work to build. And once you have built it, it requires that you stay in one place. A large paddle wheel floating on a river would be difficult to hide and thus conceal your tracks from unwanted visitors. But there are always trade-offs for every technological advantage.

With the demise of humanity, the world's stressed fishing stocks should bounce-back, leaving the rivers, lakes and oceans to once again team with life. All you need to do is be able to reach in and pull them out.

Life don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing.

Music.

I don't know about anyone else out there. But I rather enjoy music. I've accumulated several gigabytes worth of mp3s. I have a fair, if unimpressive collection of CDs. I often tune into Pandora when I'm writing. Music has been a rather important part of my life since high school. I'm not in any way passionate about music, as I don't perform, play instruments or hit every concert that comes to town. But I do rely on my iPod to get me through bad days at work.

Music is pervasive in our day to day lives, at least here in the United States. We have access to it wherever we go, whether wanted or no. Automobiles come standard with radios, and almost every square mile of our vast nation receives the waves from at least a couple of stations. The supermarkets usually play tunes for us as we shop in an attempt to subtlety alter our moods and manipulate us into spending more cash. It is also used to key us in on moods for video games and movies.

What will the world be like when we suddenly go silent and lose the constant background soundtrack that is a constant part of our lives? Will our ears begin to ring when shocked by the lack? I do not know. Of course there will still be CDs and CD players. MP3 players too. And about a billion other mediums to choose from. Most of the plastic that these mediums were etched onto will last for a million years. So, no worries there.

They just need a steady source of electricity, and functional equipment to play.(there are of course hand-cranked record players, but they're rather obsolete. Try finding Lady GaGa's newest album for one of those old tymey hi-fis.). Paper, on the other hand, can remain hail and whole for centuries, with all the information locked on the page there for the world to read, so long as you have the key that is literacy. Then, with skill and practice you can translate that information, those series of dots, into something transcendent of the misery of every day life. On a personal note, reading music is a skill that evades me. Music theory seems to be a bunch of random rules tossed together in a bucket. I fail at this part.

At some point, assuming that humanity's grasp of technology only manages to fade into nothing, we'll be left only with whatever music we can make using the tools we have at hand. And this is ok. Humanity has survived for millennia in this very manner. We don't need music to survive. Music is one of the pleasures in life, like food and sex. Song is pure hedonism at its finest.

Now, that means learning how to sing, or if you posses a voice that's on par with a rusty screen door blowing in the wind, how to play an instrument. For the men-folk out there, women seem to be born with a obsessive love for musicians(I should have learned to play guitar or something and started a band). For the womanfolk in the audience, many men do love the sound of female voices raised in song. I tend to look for covers of songs that I like that are performed by women. Who-ever you are, if you manage to scrape together some musical talent/skill, then you'll be rather popular in the post-apocalyptic world.

This, of course, is assuming that society doesn't swing back to the whole “Music is sin, and musicians are trying to cause people to stray from the path of God/Jesus/Allah/the Flying Spaghetti Monster/Bob” ETC. Then, you might run into some trouble. So make sure you learn some religious classics to soothe the dander of the True Believers. That alone might save your life, even here and now. The religious folks know that music has power, and they want to be in control of it. So, be warned.

Music will most likely be ineffective against zombies(who knows, it may dazzle them as it tugs at their memories), and feral biker gangs. But, with a lot of luck, it could prove to our vicious alien overlords that our culture and species has some value.

I personally would like to take up the Mandolin. Though my reasons are rather stupid. I'd like to be able to take part in an exchange like This. Of course that means putting a few more ranks into seduction, and by a few I'll have to start with any.

Though This is rather creepy, it is very informative on the basics of notes and reading music.

Just a note. Air Guitar doesn't count.

Junk in the trunk.

Gear 2: The slightly less essential.

A Compass – One that indicates direction rather than the kind you use to make circles in Geometry. Though the second might come in handy too. Picture this, Sartre, Master of the Great Wilderness is standing over you and gloating after knocking you down for the third time. “Oh, what's this?” He asks as he points to your compass and laughs. “Looks like we dine on math nerd tonight!” His famous last words as the point enters his brain, after taking a quick detour through his left eye. To hell with it. Take both kinds of Compasses along. They'll come in handy.

Now, you might be asking, why would you need a compass to help navigate? Why not use a gps device? A fair question, at least for a while. About half of the gps satellites that were originally put into orbit have failed within a couple of decades. Unless something changes soon, we're going to have some major infrastructure failures. Failures that will gleefully direct you down that dark dirt road that ends up at the front door of some deranged hillbillies.

Some Sort of Digging Tool – Yessirree Bob, the ability to burrow into the earth is one not to be taken too lightly. And unless you're half grizzly bear, you're going to need an implement to aid in your endeavors. IE a shovel. Having a quick and safe way to dig holes will always be desirable. Whether it is foxholes or treasure pits or shallow graves. Not to mention wells and swimming pools. Everyone should have a shovel at hand. Hell, even one of those plastic beach shovels might do! Not so much for digging though, but more for getting out of unpleasant tasks. Strategic incompetence is the key. El Líder orders you to dig a hole. You whip out a pink, plastic beach shovel. El Líder slaps their forehead and finds someone who isn't an utter moron to do the work. You win. Unless, you then get a couple bullets in the brain pan as a quick way for the group to cut some dead weight. But hey, at least you didn't have to dig your own grave right?

String – that bit of line that we use to tease cats with. It's like rope light. But teasing cats is only one minor application that string can be used for. Certainly the most entertaining. I mean, look how Mister Mittens tries to get it. Soooo cute! Who's a good kitty? Back to... Oh Mister Mittens, you wacky kitty! You sure do love that string. Oh yeah, it can be used for snares and stuff too. Binding small objects. Whatever. Kitties love string, and sometimes that's all that matters!

Whiskey flask – Water is all fine and good, but some might want to opt for something a little stronger while trudging constantly towards the day after tomorrow. The magical bottle of forgetfulness might be a desirable to take the edge off those cold nights.

Tarp – Have you ever been out camping when it started raining? I have, and this is one set of circumstances when having a tarp on hand made my day... less shitty. Basically a tarp is a big, heavy-duty sheet of plastic, a tarp has several uses that can't be ignored. And, get this, most of them are combined with rope. Fuck yeah! Everything from an emergency shelter or rainwater collector, to a makeshift sail. Hell, you might even be able to make a dress out of one, which will totally save the day when your friends/family is caught by some renegade soldiers, and you have to (cross?)dress yourself up in order to get inside their camp and save your people.

A Time Piece – Generally speaking? Next to absolutely useless. Toss your Alarm clock into the garbage, stomp on it, and return to natural time. For now, we only have Morning, Noon and Night. Sleep when you're tired, eat when your hungry and all the rest. For the first time in centuries, freedom! Cheers! The only time a watch might come in handy is during one of those 'synchronize watches' sequences during a rescue scene. But I don't know anyone detail-oriented enough to adhere to such a tight schedule. My people make plans more along the lines of “Go. Shoot Gun.” On the other hand, if you're running one of those I Am Legend type deals where you need to get back inside your fortress before the sun sets, then having a time piece on hand is hella-useful. The same goes for keeping track of the tides if you've taken to clean ocean living.

You can also use a watch as a rather crude form of compass. That's a standard watch with a hour and minute hand. Or you could try it with a digital, I guess. Good luck with that.

I amend my previous statement. Watches do have use. I just don't plan to carry one.

Duct tape - There are no doubt hundreds of tired jokes attempting to dismiss the truly awesome powers of the Duct Tape. Well, there. Haters will hate. And they can goto hell. Duct tape forever!

A Towel – Any really hoopy frood knows the value of always packing a towel. Nuff said.

Cargo Pants – I have a pair. Call em my adventure pants and I include them in my necessary gear when I go out to foreign places like Comic Conventions and Rennfests. Really, who knows when they'll need some pockets for that valuable storage real estate for those very important small items you possess. This extra storage is important because there are numerous situations where you might lose your backpack. Jumping off a cliff into a river. Letting it go when some atomic mutants catch hold of it. Having it stolen while visiting the wasteland town populated fully by thieves and scoundrels. Anything that involves taking your backpack off when you rest at the end of a long hike. Pants? You really have to try hard to lose them. I know. I've tried. Los Pantalones Son El Diablo!

One of those Slavekini wearing Hotties from ComicCon – If possible, I'd rather like to get her before the 'pocalypse happens. If you know one in need of a good home, feel free to let me know.

Their arrows shall block out the sun.

The English Longbow is one of Medieval Europe's most deadly weapons. The powerful bow, in the hands of a skilled archer, could launch an arrow hundreds of feet across a battlefield, and then punch through steel plate armor when it fell back to Earth, sending on even the most powerful knight to push up the daisies. The English would rain thousands of arrows down on the heads of their enemies. All until the French finally wised up and stayed inside of their castles and the longbow was superseded by firearms.

Ben Franklin wanted to use massed bows against the English during the Revolution, in place of expensive Muskets and the hard to acquire gun powder. The American Continent had tons of trees, so why not make powerful bows out of them and wipe out the English with their own ancient weapons?

Good question Ben. The answer? Well, Archery isn't an easy skill to master. With firearms such as the muskets of the period, all one would really need to do was to point a loaded weapon in the general direction of the enemy and pull the trigger. Range and accuracy were both dismal, but it was a weapon that was easy to learn to operate, especially when battles were fought with large blocks of soldiers just hammering away at one another.

By comparison to become proficient with the English longbow takes years of careful training.. Years, maybe even decades to master. The English Peasants were required by law to start their training in childhood and practice weekly as required by law. The longbow was the weapon of farmers and other peasants. Men who built up enormous physical strength to draw back the string, not just once but dozens of times over the course of a battle.

I've tried shooting a bow a couple times. And to use an old saw, if it weren't for gravity, I wouldn't be able to hit the ground. Yeah, it isn't nearly as easy as it looks. Pull back string, hit target. Try this, pull back string, drop arrow, curse, pick up arrow, put arrow back on string, drop again. Repeat. Finally, pull back string, release, miss target, lose arrow. Swallow rage. Go back inside and drink.

It's a fun sport I tells ya.

Why bother with a bow then? When it requires all that work? When there are firearms just lying about? Ever try and make a single round of ammunition for that 12 gauge shotgun? Huh? Now that takes know-how. A combination of chemistry and mechanics and metallurgy. Most human cultures were able to tie some rope to a branch and create a working bow and arrow system. How many of them went on to manufacture Repeater rifles?

Here's a great primer on what you need to make a bow using a sapling. Though it does

Global Warming: Man, I just don't have a positive view of humanity, must be, since most of my reasons for picking up these skills are martial in nature. Well, getting your hands on a lithe young sapling to create a bow might be difficult at best. Don't get me started on the arrows. But bows can be made out of other substances besides wood. Bone and sinew from animals were used to make wonderfully powerful bows in the early days of civilization. Anyhow, why use one? Well, ever heard of the phrase “Slower than wet gun-powder”? Yeah, guns, and all of their components don't respond well to moisture. Moisture of which the sea is largely comprised. Then again, neither do bows or their strings. Damn it, you might want to just go Medieval and stick with swords. But swords will rust. Fuck you nature!

Alien invasion: Oh yeah. Bows against blasters. A cage fight between the most primitive weapons known to mankind, and the most advanced. Those slags and chigs don't stand a chance. Especially if someone remembers to bring along their copy of Poor Man's James Bond to the party. Specifically that section about making exploding arrow heads. Picture it, a beefy sweaty dude with a speech impediment and a severe case of PTSD, running through the woods 'sploding skin-jobs with his wacky bag of arrow grenades. All of our movies have taught us one thing, a lone ex-special forces maniac running through the woods half-naked and with the simplest weapons can take down the most bad-assed of foes. Worked in the Rambo movies. And in Predator, you can't forget Predator, in fact, Predator proved that we need to abandon all of our hifalutin tech for mud and spears. LONG LIVE ARCHERY! DOWN WITH THE SPLOOGIES! 4/5

I don't feel the need to expand further. I don't think that there's anywhere else to go. After civilization collapses we'll regress a bit, and firearms will become largely worthless. But that's ok, because exploding arrows are easy to make! Rambo was right on the awesomeness of using a bow. As a whole the weapon is nearly silent compared to an off the shelf model of any firearm.

< scenario >

He heard the roar of the motorcycles long before you catch that glint of sun on the chrome of the leader's gas-tank. Ten, twenty, thirty. More. Roll into the little village that you made your home after weeks of wandering. Empty and safe, but most importantly there were no memories there. Just a blank slate. One helped by the well stocked saloon where you finally made your residence.

All that changed as the gang of hyenas tore into your territory, their weapons speaking with thunder as they smashed windows and ransacked the stores along main street. The noise. They each and every man, and most of the women, were armed. With bellows of laughter they stripped the furniture shop of anything that would burn and piled their booty into a hill in the middle of the street. Smoke and a red glow greeted the stars as the twilight gave way to full night.

Fire was their god. And they worshiped the flames with drunken revelry that would make Pan himself blush and turn his head in disgust. And worse. Not all of the figures below were members of the gang. Some were being dragged off into the shadows that flickered and danced at the edge of the fire's glow. Most seemed too shocked to resist.

He grit his teeth as his hand reached for his bow. Two full quivers. He needed to make every single shaft count.

< /scenario >

And, if you manage to take down a whole effin roving biker gang, one that's armed with machine guns, using just your bow - well that just elevates you to a whole new level of badassery. One inhabited by the likes of Godzilla, Bruce Lee and Superman.

Peter Piper picked a plethora of pesky padlocks.

What I love about most post-apocalyptic scenarios is the empty(mostly) cities that are scattered about the landscape. I can't wait. I'll finally be able to do some urban exploring without running into the possibility of being pinched for trespassing. What's the downside here? Doors. Doors with locks on them. As I've yet to learn the art of transubstantiation, my only options are break a window or to get around the lock. Breaking windows and kicking down doors tends to be loud and conspicuous. You'll draw a lot of attention to yourself. Not good when the streets are crawling with gangs of nazi bikers. Or zombies. Or Zombie Nazis And then what will you do? You just broke the only barrier between your sorry self and the hordes of the Dead Reich.

Dummy. A little stealth goes a long way.

Lock Picking is a very specialized set of skills. With them the master will have the ability to manipulate the tumblers inside a lock and thus get it to release. Here's a decent primer on it, with pictures and video about how locks work. Mind, possessing lock-picking tools is generally, at best, in a legal grey area, at least here in the USA. Most states lock-picking sets are, like say a crowbar, completely legal. Unless you intend to use them. So, you're probably ok,

It appears that some sites sell starter sets for as little as twenty dollars a pop. A search of Amazon brings up nothing useful. So I once again question the legality of the picks, especially since Amazon sells knives, swords, and night-vision goggles. As well as books on making explosives.

Be sure to check your local ordinances before further exploration of the subject.

One of my favorite television heroes is a whiz with his set of lock-picks. Shall we repeat his mantra? Yes, lets. “Work the lock, don't think about the undead radioactive bikini-babes/bee-shooting dogs/Staypuft marshmallowman . Work the Lock.” Have you guessed who he is? None other than the mustachioed Private Investigator, Thomas Magnum. His example has inspired me and my dreams. Not only do I want to learn how to pick locks and flaunt the law, I also want to sleep with a different girl every week, free-load in a mansion in Hawaii, drive someone else's Ferrari and sponge off of my friends whenever I need help. As I already have the chest hair, I think that the first step in achieving my dream is learning how to work a set of picks. Or maybe growing a mustache.

God, I'm gonna need to get a load of ugly Hawaiian shirts. But there are always sacrifices to be made to get those things we all want.

Here's to dreams!

Global Warming – As I always picture these scenarios to resemble the Kevin Costner movie WaterWorld, where people are floating across the vast stretches of ocean, unable to find land, I'm not too sure how useful being able to pick locks will be while living on a boat. A boat that probably doesn't have too many locks. Then again, some of our buildings are rather tall, and at least a few of them will rise above sea level like veritable Rocks of Gibraltar. If that's the case, with a little needle-work, you too will be able to have yourself a nice oceanside apartment! 2/5

Any other scenario that involves relatively intact modern buildings (which is most of them) – I think I've already made my case for this. Hell, I think I even managed to inspire some of you to grow a mustache and wear Hawaiian shirts. Those will really help when you're hiding from Zombie Hitler. And if they do find you, odds are that they won't want to eat someone gay enough to combine a mustache and Hawaiian shirt into one style. Nazis are funny like that.

Give a hoot, read a book.

Literacy. It appeared somewhere between the dawn of Civilization and the discovery of Sliced bread. I would be inclined to argue that it is one of the most important inventions/discoveries that we simians ever accidentally happened upon. Literacy extended the memory of our species. The written word is a work of pure genius. The ability to transcribe sounds into squiggles on a piece of paper to record your thoughts for future generations to read and understand. That's powerful.

Then some asshole had to come along and invent Slash Fiction. Rule 34. No exceptions.

I feel that I already have a decent grasp of the written word. I would guess that you all do too. Unless you're only here for the tantalizing pictures of gorgeous women that always appear along with the text. Or maybe they just like looking at the rows and rows of pretty squiggly lines. In which case, all the proceeding and following are largely irrelevant and none of this is at all useful. Making my endeavor rather ironically meaningless. How's that for comedy?

For the rest, I'm just preaching to the choir and once again it doesn't matter what I say. Take the following:

You know what I hate? Vampires. Those blood sucking freaks. What's dead should stay dead. I really can't stand how a segment of our population has decided that rapists and murderers are all of a sudden sexy. A walking corpse that devourers your very life and soul? Gimme three baby! Cold as ice to the touch? And you want me to put it where? Sounds like fun! Water rolled down his gleaming pecs as the shirtless man stepped out of the mist and into the lantern light that seemed to keep the roiling grey mass at bay. The woman in red turned to look at the newcomer, mistaking him at first, briefly, for a farmhand. His rock-hard muscles rippled with each step. He was no mere farmhand. She knew him. Well. “Lady Shelly!” He said, falling to one knee before the veiled woman in the long red dress. His eyes burned with desire for her. She away turned from him. The scoundrel! How dare he show his beautiful face! On the day of her wedding! The most wanted man in the county. The Brigand Eduardo Jones. Use a moderate quantity of a natural manure to fertilize the soil and ensure proper growth of the wheat stalks. Throw wheat seeds in the furrows using a semi circular movement of your wrist or attach a grain drill to a tractor to plant the seeds. For a dry area, sprinkle a small quantity of seeds. A heavily cultivated wheat uses up the water in the ground more quickly. SOURCE

Which of the previous mass of symbols was actually useful? Not too much I would think. Though I am sure that more of the adventures of Eduardo Jones: Highwayman of Much Repute will be vastly entertaining.

Literacy is the keystone skill in the apocalypse. Unless there were masses of mobs, worldwide, setting fire to libraries and bookstores – then there will be tons of information encoded in those millions of books. There are books to cover about every topic that the human experience has yet to experience. Farming, computers, and God, they're all there. Given time and the proper material (Not to mention sufficient motivation), a literate and half-way intelligent human being can vastly better themselves. With this in mind, I'm putting together a library. Just in case the end does come. Be prepared and all that. I also happen to really like books.

Here's a list. Some I have, others not so much so:


The Wilderness Survival Handbook: An Illustrated and information packed book that is also relatively small in size. Easy to read and packed with information. Now I wish someone was giving me a check for pimping it. Who doesn't need to know how to navigate by land or build an impromptu shelter against the elements? You're probably going to have to travel overland sometime.

Pioneer Pottery: Basically a how to on setting up your own pot shop. This book covers everything. Are you currently exclaiming: WTF? POTTERY? Understandable. But here it is, the pottery wheel is one of the underlying supports of many human civilizations(I had several history professors utter this statement – none of them were potters themselves). Why? Simple, if you grow bumper crops of food, you're going to need storage vessels. Water Jars. And the like. When humanity tries to get together and rebuild civilization, these may be important skills to have.

The Ultimate Guide to Homesteading: It's in my wishlist on Amazon to pick up later, mostly since it hasn't been released yet. But the book looks promising and it rather inexpensive. So I have high hopes. Looks like a cross between a wilderness survival handbook and a guide to farm and country life.

Hobby Farming For Dummies: Hobby Farming is running a smallish farm that can be handled by a limited number of people part time. I don't know the exact number of acres, but it implies small scale farming. Also on my wishlist, I have not picked this bad boy up yet. The For Dummies series has always been an enjoyable and simple read.


The Art of Blacksmithing: Not only how to make weapons and armor, but also the equally important tools and implements of every day lives. Or so I'm told. Another one in my wishlist. I look forward to learning more about blacksmithing, and to writing up a post on it's potential importance as a craft.


Poor Man's James Bond: I've ordered this book, but have not read it yet. I imagine that the mere act of ordering it has put me onto several government watch lists as a potential terrorist. So be it, let them watch. I say that, up until the FBI knocks on my door. I can only wonder at how I'll respond. Probably with a river of urine running down my leg and puddling at my feet. PMJB is a book written for the right-wing nutjob survivalist types. I don't know how accurate it is. I don't think I'll be testing it anytime soon. So I could have just wasted a fair chunk of change. Even so, the arrow mounted grenade is pretty damn awesome.

First Aid. I don't have a suggestion here. I'm not well enough versed in the area of expertise, and medical treatment isn't a place where you want to skimp or go astray.


Energy concerns: I don't know about you, but I enjoy our mastery over electricity and how it makes my life better and more interesting. From the simple electric light to video games, electric power pervades our daily lives. Sadly, the power grid in most places will only be functioning for about a week after any cataclysm, making electricity a scarce commodity.

The Twilight Series: Is making fun of Twilight cliché yet? I certainly hope not. I haven't had my turn! Ah well here it goes. “Why carry Twilight? Gotta burn something to stay warm.” I've never read Twilight, so I really don't like making fun of it on any deeper and more venomous level. I'm just a sheep and follow the memes. And I hope that my streak for not reading Twilight goes unbroken, maybe even becomes some sort of world record.

But, in the realm of Twilight, without actually being Twilight. By this I mean books meant to entertain, these can be as important as volumes that are intended to instruct. We're imaginative creatures and we need entertainment and stimulation.

I bet, with a little work, you can find most of this information for free on Google. Awesome. Though I think wireless hot-points will be on the far side of scarce when the end comes. Best to get those books in hard copy.

Sweet Bludgeony goodness. Like mom usta make!

Warhammers. And why I favor them for the Zombie Apocalypse. First, take a look at this video. That's right, a large man beating on things with a warhammer. I've linked it before in at least one of the previous blogs. I love watching destruction set to heavy electric guitar riffs.

The warhammer evolved during the reign of plate mail armor as a way to counteract the heavy steel plates that would deflect swords and the like. The leverage of the heavy head at the end of a long handle creates a lot of force and power, especially when focused on a small area, like the front face of the hammer. Those steel plates would crumple like tinfoil when pitted against a warhammer wielded by a strong arm. This is what makes it ideal for me against the zombie hordes. A single blow can shatter a skull, killing the zombie instantly, or crush the bones and slow it down. Very little finesse is needed. No need to aim for the neck, or other small targets.

The warhammer, unlike the sword is easy to manufacture. Either as a cobbled together weapon made in a pinch or as a weapon crafted by a smith. A good sword can take a skilled smith weeks of work to make. One sword. Conceivably A hammer head can be easily cast out of molten steel. It may not be the highest quality hammer ever made, but it would be fast to manufacture and mass produce making it easy to replace. If the handle breaks, you just need to find another treebranch and wittle it down to size.

Ok, so you have a hammer. Sweet. Now for the daily maintenance of your weapon. Has the shaft cracked? Is the head loose? No? Then you're in good shape. You have time for that nap. The hammer is, at least in my mind – and I could be wrong, a low-maintenance tool. As a bludgeon, it doesn't require sharpening like the blade of a sword/knife/axe in order to retain it's function.

The only downside I can really think of for the warhammer is that it requires a lot of room to properly operate. Wielding a warhammer is simple. Swing it up over your head and then bring it down onto your target. Enjoy the wonderful cracking sound as bone shatters. But that upswing requires room over your head to work. Working the hammer inside cramped spaces might be all but impossible. Which is where a sword would come into it's own, as it is more versatile. My thought is to add a pointed spike to the top of the hammer. Or maybe a blade. Then you can crush and stab. Merry Christmas!

I've thought about this for a long time. I think that's clear. And rather pathetic. No time wasted exploring the deeper meaning of the universe, or thinking about boobies. No, I was rating medieval weaponry for the coming zombie uprising. I gave one of the characters in my zombie apocalypse series a warhammer. It seemed cool to me, and was more utilitarian and functional than say a katana or battle-axe. As well as generally looked over by geek culture and its fascination with bladed weapons.

This is all assuming that lightsabres are still unavailable.