I like swords, and have since I was a kid. I think I've voiced that sentiment before. HeMan was my hero and he packed a magic sword. As was Luke Skywalker. Ninjas? They're all about swords. My childhood was awash in swords. We used to take those pointed sticks that are used as construction markers and pretend that they were swords. I had a sizable armory of various stick when it came down to it. I am still amazed that we never got hurt.
Swords and giant transformable robots. You can guess, Voltron – a giant transformable robot who packed a sword - was my childhood obsession for a couple of years after hearing the older kids talk about it.
In high school I “Collected Knives” - This should be read as “I bought whatever shitty and cheap knives came my way. And I really wanted to by a ninja sword for a bunch of eyars. I still have part of my collection. It makes me sad.
One of my burning desires as a youth was to get my hands on my very own sword. I never did get around to buying a sword, as by the time I had the money there were more important things to buy, and I also learned that the swords I could afford weren't worth spending the money on(do not, ever, buy a sword that is made of stainless steel. Wall hanging fantasy pieces are just that).
This being said, I have never myself owned a sword. I am a failure as an adult. I have money. I still like swords. I enjoy watching the Cold Steel Demo videos over on youtube. (look them up if you haven't seen them, they feature a large dude cleaving household with swords – all set to heavy guitar riffs). You would think that somewhere along the way I'd have been willing to drop a couple hundred dollars to secure myself a passable length of sharpened steel.
When the apocalypse comes, I'm hoping it'll be one that features swords. Maybe against zombies, or perhaps a nuclear scoured wasteland roamed by Sir Patrick Swayze Knight Errant.
This all brings us to the point, an addition to my Post Apocalyptic Survival library.
The Beginner's Guide to the Long Sword. I found this volume in the local library when searching out European Martial arts. I had watched a documentary on the perception of swords in our society on Netflix and re-discovered a flicker of interest in swords. Especially the aspect of actually learning to use a sword as a weapon. Learning the martial art rather than just joining a re-creationist society. Eff Theater, I'm about the practical.
Anyhow, I borrowed the aforementioned book and then acquired a personal copy to add to the library on a permanent basis.
The book covers the European Longsword, commonly called a Bastard Sword. The blade is around 3 feet long and is balanced to use with one hand and a shield, but the handle is also long enough to grip with two hands for further leverage and striking power. The top third of the blade is sharpened, while the remainder is left dull. This combination allows the wielder to take a hold of the blade for either powerful thrusts or to use the cross-guard as a hammer/bludgeon(especially useful against foes in plate-armor). Goto the wiki page for details about the weapon and its history.
Here is a slim and straight-forward volume that is heavily illustrated (with photographs, a picture is worth a thousand words) for ease of use. The language is easy and clear. The author is a seasoned martial artist with 20 years of experience. He covers the history of the sword as well as a list of gear for aspiring blade-masters.
The one down-side I think is that he doesn't cover the full range of the weapon. Mostly he focuses on using the blade and leaves aside strikes with the hilt and pommel. But then, it is a book for beginners and a fairly good introduction to the subject I think.
I've yet to put the new-found knowledge to use. I lack anyone to practice with and the energy to go out and find a group. I think that the book would be a good place to start learning how to use the sword. Most people are on about the same level when it comes to martial arts. They have a good idea which part of the weapon to hold and which is the sharp end. Assuming a lack of time-travel to ye old Midvealy times where the use of this class of weaponry is well know, I think that the book will be an excellent primer for technique. After which skill can be forged with practice and experience.
Now all I need is a sword.
Showing posts with label martial arts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label martial arts. Show all posts
Friday, April 13, 2012
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Their arrows shall block out the sun.
The English Longbow is one of Medieval Europe's most deadly weapons. The powerful bow, in the hands of a skilled archer, could launch an arrow hundreds of feet across a battlefield, and then punch through steel plate armor when it fell back to Earth, sending on even the most powerful knight to push up the daisies. The English would rain thousands of arrows down on the heads of their enemies. All until the French finally wised up and stayed inside of their castles and the longbow was superseded by firearms.
Ben Franklin wanted to use massed bows against the English during the Revolution, in place of expensive Muskets and the hard to acquire gun powder. The American Continent had tons of trees, so why not make powerful bows out of them and wipe out the English with their own ancient weapons?
Good question Ben. The answer? Well, Archery isn't an easy skill to master. With firearms such as the muskets of the period, all one would really need to do was to point a loaded weapon in the general direction of the enemy and pull the trigger. Range and accuracy were both dismal, but it was a weapon that was easy to learn to operate, especially when battles were fought with large blocks of soldiers just hammering away at one another.
By comparison to become proficient with the English longbow takes years of careful training.. Years, maybe even decades to master. The English Peasants were required by law to start their training in childhood and practice weekly as required by law. The longbow was the weapon of farmers and other peasants. Men who built up enormous physical strength to draw back the string, not just once but dozens of times over the course of a battle.
I've tried shooting a bow a couple times. And to use an old saw, if it weren't for gravity, I wouldn't be able to hit the ground. Yeah, it isn't nearly as easy as it looks. Pull back string, hit target. Try this, pull back string, drop arrow, curse, pick up arrow, put arrow back on string, drop again. Repeat. Finally, pull back string, release, miss target, lose arrow. Swallow rage. Go back inside and drink.
It's a fun sport I tells ya.
Why bother with a bow then? When it requires all that work? When there are firearms just lying about? Ever try and make a single round of ammunition for that 12 gauge shotgun? Huh? Now that takes know-how. A combination of chemistry and mechanics and metallurgy. Most human cultures were able to tie some rope to a branch and create a working bow and arrow system. How many of them went on to manufacture Repeater rifles?
Here's a great primer on what you need to make a bow using a sapling. Though it does
Global Warming: Man, I just don't have a positive view of humanity, must be, since most of my reasons for picking up these skills are martial in nature. Well, getting your hands on a lithe young sapling to create a bow might be difficult at best. Don't get me started on the arrows. But bows can be made out of other substances besides wood. Bone and sinew from animals were used to make wonderfully powerful bows in the early days of civilization. Anyhow, why use one? Well, ever heard of the phrase “Slower than wet gun-powder”? Yeah, guns, and all of their components don't respond well to moisture. Moisture of which the sea is largely comprised. Then again, neither do bows or their strings. Damn it, you might want to just go Medieval and stick with swords. But swords will rust. Fuck you nature!
Alien invasion: Oh yeah. Bows against blasters. A cage fight between the most primitive weapons known to mankind, and the most advanced. Those slags and chigs don't stand a chance. Especially if someone remembers to bring along their copy of Poor Man's James Bond to the party. Specifically that section about making exploding arrow heads. Picture it, a beefy sweaty dude with a speech impediment and a severe case of PTSD, running through the woods 'sploding skin-jobs with his wacky bag of arrow grenades. All of our movies have taught us one thing, a lone ex-special forces maniac running through the woods half-naked and with the simplest weapons can take down the most bad-assed of foes. Worked in the Rambo movies. And in Predator, you can't forget Predator, in fact, Predator proved that we need to abandon all of our hifalutin tech for mud and spears. LONG LIVE ARCHERY! DOWN WITH THE SPLOOGIES! 4/5
I don't feel the need to expand further. I don't think that there's anywhere else to go. After civilization collapses we'll regress a bit, and firearms will become largely worthless. But that's ok, because exploding arrows are easy to make! Rambo was right on the awesomeness of using a bow. As a whole the weapon is nearly silent compared to an off the shelf model of any firearm.
< scenario >
He heard the roar of the motorcycles long before you catch that glint of sun on the chrome of the leader's gas-tank. Ten, twenty, thirty. More. Roll into the little village that you made your home after weeks of wandering. Empty and safe, but most importantly there were no memories there. Just a blank slate. One helped by the well stocked saloon where you finally made your residence.
All that changed as the gang of hyenas tore into your territory, their weapons speaking with thunder as they smashed windows and ransacked the stores along main street. The noise. They each and every man, and most of the women, were armed. With bellows of laughter they stripped the furniture shop of anything that would burn and piled their booty into a hill in the middle of the street. Smoke and a red glow greeted the stars as the twilight gave way to full night.
Fire was their god. And they worshiped the flames with drunken revelry that would make Pan himself blush and turn his head in disgust. And worse. Not all of the figures below were members of the gang. Some were being dragged off into the shadows that flickered and danced at the edge of the fire's glow. Most seemed too shocked to resist.
He grit his teeth as his hand reached for his bow. Two full quivers. He needed to make every single shaft count.
< /scenario >
And, if you manage to take down a whole effin roving biker gang, one that's armed with machine guns, using just your bow - well that just elevates you to a whole new level of badassery. One inhabited by the likes of Godzilla, Bruce Lee and Superman.
Ben Franklin wanted to use massed bows against the English during the Revolution, in place of expensive Muskets and the hard to acquire gun powder. The American Continent had tons of trees, so why not make powerful bows out of them and wipe out the English with their own ancient weapons?
Good question Ben. The answer? Well, Archery isn't an easy skill to master. With firearms such as the muskets of the period, all one would really need to do was to point a loaded weapon in the general direction of the enemy and pull the trigger. Range and accuracy were both dismal, but it was a weapon that was easy to learn to operate, especially when battles were fought with large blocks of soldiers just hammering away at one another.
By comparison to become proficient with the English longbow takes years of careful training.. Years, maybe even decades to master. The English Peasants were required by law to start their training in childhood and practice weekly as required by law. The longbow was the weapon of farmers and other peasants. Men who built up enormous physical strength to draw back the string, not just once but dozens of times over the course of a battle.
I've tried shooting a bow a couple times. And to use an old saw, if it weren't for gravity, I wouldn't be able to hit the ground. Yeah, it isn't nearly as easy as it looks. Pull back string, hit target. Try this, pull back string, drop arrow, curse, pick up arrow, put arrow back on string, drop again. Repeat. Finally, pull back string, release, miss target, lose arrow. Swallow rage. Go back inside and drink.
It's a fun sport I tells ya.
Why bother with a bow then? When it requires all that work? When there are firearms just lying about? Ever try and make a single round of ammunition for that 12 gauge shotgun? Huh? Now that takes know-how. A combination of chemistry and mechanics and metallurgy. Most human cultures were able to tie some rope to a branch and create a working bow and arrow system. How many of them went on to manufacture Repeater rifles?
Here's a great primer on what you need to make a bow using a sapling. Though it does
Global Warming: Man, I just don't have a positive view of humanity, must be, since most of my reasons for picking up these skills are martial in nature. Well, getting your hands on a lithe young sapling to create a bow might be difficult at best. Don't get me started on the arrows. But bows can be made out of other substances besides wood. Bone and sinew from animals were used to make wonderfully powerful bows in the early days of civilization. Anyhow, why use one? Well, ever heard of the phrase “Slower than wet gun-powder”? Yeah, guns, and all of their components don't respond well to moisture. Moisture of which the sea is largely comprised. Then again, neither do bows or their strings. Damn it, you might want to just go Medieval and stick with swords. But swords will rust. Fuck you nature!
Alien invasion: Oh yeah. Bows against blasters. A cage fight between the most primitive weapons known to mankind, and the most advanced. Those slags and chigs don't stand a chance. Especially if someone remembers to bring along their copy of Poor Man's James Bond to the party. Specifically that section about making exploding arrow heads. Picture it, a beefy sweaty dude with a speech impediment and a severe case of PTSD, running through the woods 'sploding skin-jobs with his wacky bag of arrow grenades. All of our movies have taught us one thing, a lone ex-special forces maniac running through the woods half-naked and with the simplest weapons can take down the most bad-assed of foes. Worked in the Rambo movies. And in Predator, you can't forget Predator, in fact, Predator proved that we need to abandon all of our hifalutin tech for mud and spears. LONG LIVE ARCHERY! DOWN WITH THE SPLOOGIES! 4/5
I don't feel the need to expand further. I don't think that there's anywhere else to go. After civilization collapses we'll regress a bit, and firearms will become largely worthless. But that's ok, because exploding arrows are easy to make! Rambo was right on the awesomeness of using a bow. As a whole the weapon is nearly silent compared to an off the shelf model of any firearm.
< scenario >
He heard the roar of the motorcycles long before you catch that glint of sun on the chrome of the leader's gas-tank. Ten, twenty, thirty. More. Roll into the little village that you made your home after weeks of wandering. Empty and safe, but most importantly there were no memories there. Just a blank slate. One helped by the well stocked saloon where you finally made your residence.
All that changed as the gang of hyenas tore into your territory, their weapons speaking with thunder as they smashed windows and ransacked the stores along main street. The noise. They each and every man, and most of the women, were armed. With bellows of laughter they stripped the furniture shop of anything that would burn and piled their booty into a hill in the middle of the street. Smoke and a red glow greeted the stars as the twilight gave way to full night.
Fire was their god. And they worshiped the flames with drunken revelry that would make Pan himself blush and turn his head in disgust. And worse. Not all of the figures below were members of the gang. Some were being dragged off into the shadows that flickered and danced at the edge of the fire's glow. Most seemed too shocked to resist.
He grit his teeth as his hand reached for his bow. Two full quivers. He needed to make every single shaft count.
< /scenario >
And, if you manage to take down a whole effin roving biker gang, one that's armed with machine guns, using just your bow - well that just elevates you to a whole new level of badassery. One inhabited by the likes of Godzilla, Bruce Lee and Superman.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
A sword in the hand is like two in the face. I guess.
I do not wish to ever utter/scream the phrase “Oh shit I gone done stabbed myself” in any of its variations. Same goes for cutting, bludgeoned and so forth. As I see it, lopping off your own limbs isn't conducive to long life, and it just makes you look like an inept asshole. Chicks dig scars and war wounds, or so I'm told, but I have my doubts that cutting a chunk out of your own leg will help you score some honey in the local watering hole Saturday night. Unless it's one of those kick ass apocalypse where most of the male half of the species is killed by a mysterious plague. You know the ones, when even the Bastard Child of Carrot Top and Yahoo Serious beds a different Hooters girl every night.
Come on only man left alive apocalypse!
But with my luck, I'd wind up in one of those post-apocalyptic matriarchal societies that is rather hostile towards we XYers. Has to do with destroying the world or some such. So yeah, instead of roaming the lands making babies, I'll end up a hunted fugitive. Or maybe as an animal locked in a cage for children to gawk at.
Any object can be used as a weapon, all it takes is the will to hurt or kill. I've seen enough wrestling to know that a folding chair in the right hands is one impressive implement of destruction. A weapon is a tool like any other, and it's always good to know how to use your tools. With a little hard work you could be instead of a child finger-painting, you could be a Rembrandt...well maybe a Pollock... as you cleave, slice and bludgeon your way through the ranks of your unwitting enemies.
We as human beings have developed a large array of devices with which to cleave, maim, disembowel, burn, impale and generally hurt one another. We're not a very pleasant species when it comes down to it. But then, most of the smarter animals seem to be dicks too. Chimps wage wars one one another, killing for territorial rights. Dolphins murder porpoises on sight and for no understood reason – not for food, they just attack on sight. Yet we rule the roost, for we were the first to make use of the club and then later the pointed stick and finally the bow and arrow. The nice thing about these ancient implements of ass-kickery is that they never run out of ammunition. Sure, your +0 Machette might bend and break, and you'll have to sharpen it after heavy use, but until it fails you'll always have a functioning weapon at hand. You'll never raise your battle-axe overhead only to hear an empty click, forcing you to reload.
Of course, you don't want This to happen to you. Especially if you have asshole friends who have access to video cameras. So time to eat your Wheaties and learn how to swing a battle axe without cutting your foot off. Doesn't sound too difficult you say? Well, most warriors in the past would begin their training as children, and hope to master their trade of bloodshed and battle by the time they reached adulthood. I gotta feeling that there aren't many alive in this day and age who say the same.
No, your mastery of Assassin's Creed doesn't get you credit here bub. It just gets you stabbed in the face and eaten by the zombie horde. That's ok, you can always hit reset and enter the Code and get those thirty lives you forgot before. Oh, wait, that doesn't work in real life. Oh well, I'm sure you'll think of something, maybe plugging in an aim bot.
Combine Parkour, Martial Arts and Weapons Training and you're pretty much a Ninja. How's that for a triumvirate of badassitude? To complete your training, all you'll need to do is learn to fly. That'll be addressed later on.
Global warming – There's going to be pirates. There are always pirates on the sea. It's a law of nature. Ice is cold and pirates infest the world's oceans. Here's where we run into trouble. The Pirate's natural enemy is the ninja. Ninjas live on dry land, and there is no more dry land. So there won't be anyone to keep the pirate fleets in check. Remember to pack plenty of Katanas and black pajamas. 4/5
Zombie Uprising - The Eminent and most Respected Sage Max Brooks suggests adopting peasant style weaponry when battling the undead hordes. Peasant weapons are simple to learn and carry into battle. And you can about find them anywhere, or even make them yourself should you have the need. This makes sense, especially for a world where most of us aren't trained in the martial arts from a young age. He seems to have forgotten, though, that you don't fight zombies. There is no finesse to it. You sever the head from the body and destroy the brain to put the creature down. That is in and all. Whether your tool of choice is a katana or a machete or a wood axe, it all is a matter of what feels the most comfortable in your hand. You don't see too many samurai zombies running about fighting duels, so you shouldn't expect to need to be a blademaster to hold your own against a few zombies. But some hands on experience will be good for you when you step out onto your lawn to kill those commie corpses back dead again! Make Max Brooks proud! 3/5
Alien Invasion – Key phrase: Light sab... Energy Swords. The key to success here is energy swords. They come in all shapes and sizes and are hella-helpful against Plantlife, animals, and cyborgs. Now you've seen the video of the dude mishandling a regular sword to his folly and our twisted amusement. I linked it earlier. Go back and take a look. That was with ordinary steel of doubtful quality. Imagine the outcome if he had been playing with a big boy sword instead. Oh yeah, that video would have gotten a million views, and won the America's Funniest Home Videos. Even over the old guy getting kicked in the groin. Heh. You know what, I want to see that. 0/5 No really, you should get some laser swords and camcorders and show the world your mad skills. We'll be impressed, I promise.
Nuclear Holocaust – In the end, after the flash, hopefully warfare will become rather more conventional. Our vast stores of ammunition for our fancy firearms won't last long, those that aren't consumed in nuclear fire. Whatcha got left? A pointed stick. Or whatever bit of sharpened metal you can find. You used your last shotgun shell weeks ago. You've been out of gas for the Chainsaw-chucks even longer. But you still have your sweet sweet cane, the one with the sword inside. So it's all good. Better when you get to skewer the dude wearing naught but a pair of assless chaps and football shoulder pads. Pimptastic brother, show that jive turkey who the man is. 5/5
Resource Wars – If there's one thing you can count on it's the abundance of iron in our planet's crust. The Earth's core is made of iron and nickel, or so say the scientists who study these things, and who am I to question their knowledge. I majored in History. Well, there are countless tons of iron in them there hills. And tons more timber atop them. Wood for smelting the iron and making steel. Enough to equip an army if only we were to harvest.... wait a minute... that's the mindset that got us into trouble in the first place. Well fuck. Assuming that we learned our lesson on squandering our valuable natural resources, Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you 'The Rock'. This year's model is a smooth igneous disk about the size of a child's hand. Useful for either throwing or with proper flint-knapping techniques, a hand-axe. The perfect companion piece to the Craftsman special Pointed-stick. 4/5
Human beings are always going to be assholes, and if you can't defend yourself then you better watch your asshole. I myself am going to get some rope, a pair of chainsaws, and some luck and make the most fearsome (and stupid) weapon the world has ever seen. ChainsawChucks.
Come on only man left alive apocalypse!
But with my luck, I'd wind up in one of those post-apocalyptic matriarchal societies that is rather hostile towards we XYers. Has to do with destroying the world or some such. So yeah, instead of roaming the lands making babies, I'll end up a hunted fugitive. Or maybe as an animal locked in a cage for children to gawk at.
Any object can be used as a weapon, all it takes is the will to hurt or kill. I've seen enough wrestling to know that a folding chair in the right hands is one impressive implement of destruction. A weapon is a tool like any other, and it's always good to know how to use your tools. With a little hard work you could be instead of a child finger-painting, you could be a Rembrandt...well maybe a Pollock... as you cleave, slice and bludgeon your way through the ranks of your unwitting enemies.
We as human beings have developed a large array of devices with which to cleave, maim, disembowel, burn, impale and generally hurt one another. We're not a very pleasant species when it comes down to it. But then, most of the smarter animals seem to be dicks too. Chimps wage wars one one another, killing for territorial rights. Dolphins murder porpoises on sight and for no understood reason – not for food, they just attack on sight. Yet we rule the roost, for we were the first to make use of the club and then later the pointed stick and finally the bow and arrow. The nice thing about these ancient implements of ass-kickery is that they never run out of ammunition. Sure, your +0 Machette might bend and break, and you'll have to sharpen it after heavy use, but until it fails you'll always have a functioning weapon at hand. You'll never raise your battle-axe overhead only to hear an empty click, forcing you to reload.
Of course, you don't want This to happen to you. Especially if you have asshole friends who have access to video cameras. So time to eat your Wheaties and learn how to swing a battle axe without cutting your foot off. Doesn't sound too difficult you say? Well, most warriors in the past would begin their training as children, and hope to master their trade of bloodshed and battle by the time they reached adulthood. I gotta feeling that there aren't many alive in this day and age who say the same.
No, your mastery of Assassin's Creed doesn't get you credit here bub. It just gets you stabbed in the face and eaten by the zombie horde. That's ok, you can always hit reset and enter the Code and get those thirty lives you forgot before. Oh, wait, that doesn't work in real life. Oh well, I'm sure you'll think of something, maybe plugging in an aim bot.
Combine Parkour, Martial Arts and Weapons Training and you're pretty much a Ninja. How's that for a triumvirate of badassitude? To complete your training, all you'll need to do is learn to fly. That'll be addressed later on.
Global warming – There's going to be pirates. There are always pirates on the sea. It's a law of nature. Ice is cold and pirates infest the world's oceans. Here's where we run into trouble. The Pirate's natural enemy is the ninja. Ninjas live on dry land, and there is no more dry land. So there won't be anyone to keep the pirate fleets in check. Remember to pack plenty of Katanas and black pajamas. 4/5
Zombie Uprising - The Eminent and most Respected Sage Max Brooks suggests adopting peasant style weaponry when battling the undead hordes. Peasant weapons are simple to learn and carry into battle. And you can about find them anywhere, or even make them yourself should you have the need. This makes sense, especially for a world where most of us aren't trained in the martial arts from a young age. He seems to have forgotten, though, that you don't fight zombies. There is no finesse to it. You sever the head from the body and destroy the brain to put the creature down. That is in and all. Whether your tool of choice is a katana or a machete or a wood axe, it all is a matter of what feels the most comfortable in your hand. You don't see too many samurai zombies running about fighting duels, so you shouldn't expect to need to be a blademaster to hold your own against a few zombies. But some hands on experience will be good for you when you step out onto your lawn to kill those commie corpses back dead again! Make Max Brooks proud! 3/5
Alien Invasion – Key phrase: Light sab... Energy Swords. The key to success here is energy swords. They come in all shapes and sizes and are hella-helpful against Plantlife, animals, and cyborgs. Now you've seen the video of the dude mishandling a regular sword to his folly and our twisted amusement. I linked it earlier. Go back and take a look. That was with ordinary steel of doubtful quality. Imagine the outcome if he had been playing with a big boy sword instead. Oh yeah, that video would have gotten a million views, and won the America's Funniest Home Videos. Even over the old guy getting kicked in the groin. Heh. You know what, I want to see that. 0/5 No really, you should get some laser swords and camcorders and show the world your mad skills. We'll be impressed, I promise.
Nuclear Holocaust – In the end, after the flash, hopefully warfare will become rather more conventional. Our vast stores of ammunition for our fancy firearms won't last long, those that aren't consumed in nuclear fire. Whatcha got left? A pointed stick. Or whatever bit of sharpened metal you can find. You used your last shotgun shell weeks ago. You've been out of gas for the Chainsaw-chucks even longer. But you still have your sweet sweet cane, the one with the sword inside. So it's all good. Better when you get to skewer the dude wearing naught but a pair of assless chaps and football shoulder pads. Pimptastic brother, show that jive turkey who the man is. 5/5
Resource Wars – If there's one thing you can count on it's the abundance of iron in our planet's crust. The Earth's core is made of iron and nickel, or so say the scientists who study these things, and who am I to question their knowledge. I majored in History. Well, there are countless tons of iron in them there hills. And tons more timber atop them. Wood for smelting the iron and making steel. Enough to equip an army if only we were to harvest.... wait a minute... that's the mindset that got us into trouble in the first place. Well fuck. Assuming that we learned our lesson on squandering our valuable natural resources, Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you 'The Rock'. This year's model is a smooth igneous disk about the size of a child's hand. Useful for either throwing or with proper flint-knapping techniques, a hand-axe. The perfect companion piece to the Craftsman special Pointed-stick. 4/5
Human beings are always going to be assholes, and if you can't defend yourself then you better watch your asshole. I myself am going to get some rope, a pair of chainsaws, and some luck and make the most fearsome (and stupid) weapon the world has ever seen. ChainsawChucks.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
The masterful art of Weaving.
Here's what you need. About ten thousand little metal rings of the same diameter and a couple pairs of pliers. With that, a lot of time and a truckload of patience, you can make yourself a shirt of maile. I mean a lot of time. A whole shitload of it. We're talking about the following the timeline for monkeys to come down out of the trees and then build starships. Unless you have a lot of superglue and low expectations for quality, we're not talking about a quick process.
Honestly, in terms of materials and tools, a shirt or two might cost you around $50. That's assuming you need to buy the pliers, and wirecutters and steel rod, as well as the wire. Besides the obscene number of hours spent, winding coils, cutting the links and then putting rings into rings, hours that you could more effectively put into a nine to five making money and buying a shirt, making chain is an inexpensive hobby.
Besides, weaving chainmail isn't too difficult to learn. I picked up the basics with the help of tutorials on youtube and other places on the net. The process is slow going, and I've yet to make much of a dent in my major project goal. But I have a couple of snappy sheets of chain cloth to show for it, a handful of necklaces. All sitting around doing nothing. Chainmaile isn't very useful in our modern era. Who knew?
Chainmaile, chain mail, chainmail, maile. However you wish to spell it, is one of the oldest and longest serving forms of metal armor that humans have yet to devise. Made from said steel rings, it protects well against cuts. And that's about all. Someone using say a hammer, or arrows, would effectively transform your expensive armor into a heavy shirt with a narrow list of functions that can be related here: 1) Chafe nipples. That is all.
So why learn such a trade? Well, it may come in handy at some point in the future. Who knows? Armor is always good to have, especially if we're all reduced to using pointed sticks, and maybe swords. A second skin of steel might be all that you have between your soft and supple skin (by the way, what sort of moisturizer do you use? So touchabally soft!) and large gaping wounds in your flesh. And there aren't that many people out there who can make it. So it's time for a little self-reliance, and get the job done right. Or at least get it good enough.
Global Warming – Well, here we go. Wearing tens of pounds of metal while operating on the open ocean. What effin genius came up with this idea? Why not just tie an anchor to your ankle and call it a day? An anchor is a lot cheaper than even a shirt made from chain mail. Wait, there's more! More than a free trip to Davey Jones' locker you say? How can it get better than that? I'll tell you... Honestly, chainmail might be more useful at sea than one expects. Providing that you use the right material. I'm thinking aluminum or Titanium. Preferably the latter. Chainmaile has found a new use in these last few decades in the form of shark proof suits. Full body of suits, made from very tiny rings, that will reduce the chance that a hungry shark walks off with one of your favorite limbs. And no doubt that these very suits will come in quite handy when standing up against invading pirates as they wave their cutlasses about and brandish empty muskets. 4/5
Zombie Uprising – Well, here we have a major up and down side. Zombie use their hands and teeth to do most of their damage. Grab and bite. That is the whole of their tactical bag of tricks. And after a few weeks/months/years of being a walking corpse, zombies will no doubt boast a set of teeth that will make your average meth addict cringe. Having a cloth of steel between your hide and that mouth full of chipped chompers is quite an appealing thought. Until you take into account that a shirt might weigh up to forty pounds. That makes for a long ass hike though the dead infested city streets as you scavenge for food. That'll build stamina, which is good if you manage to keep your strength up for weeks straight as you self-inflict death marches. After all the weeks that it took to make the damn thing in the first place. Until then, you're moving slower and tiring yourself out un-neededly. Finally after weeks of sweating through unbearable heat in your portable oven, summer will fade and winter will return, and your nipples, after having chaffed for months, will learn a new form of torture. Freezing and sticking to your shirt. Fun times. That's why I'm sticking with leather. Sure, I'll look more like the biker from the Village People – can't be helped, but it'll be warmer, and less heavy. 1/5
Nuclear War – I've done a lot of thinking here, and the only practical use that chainmail might have for a wanderer of the thirsty wastelands would be to give their NukePoc wardrobe a little extra pizazz that the other nameless mercenaries and bandits are totally lacking. Leather jackets and football shoulder pads will rule the day, but at the same time become rather cliché. Time to start a whole new trend here...
I can't keep nattering on here. To hell with all the above concerns. I have two words for the lot of you. Chainmail Bikini. 5/5 Recognize.
Go out and weave little monkeys, daddy has a major chicks in chain fetish, and he wants to share it with the rest of the world.
Honestly, in terms of materials and tools, a shirt or two might cost you around $50. That's assuming you need to buy the pliers, and wirecutters and steel rod, as well as the wire. Besides the obscene number of hours spent, winding coils, cutting the links and then putting rings into rings, hours that you could more effectively put into a nine to five making money and buying a shirt, making chain is an inexpensive hobby.
Besides, weaving chainmail isn't too difficult to learn. I picked up the basics with the help of tutorials on youtube and other places on the net. The process is slow going, and I've yet to make much of a dent in my major project goal. But I have a couple of snappy sheets of chain cloth to show for it, a handful of necklaces. All sitting around doing nothing. Chainmaile isn't very useful in our modern era. Who knew?
Chainmaile, chain mail, chainmail, maile. However you wish to spell it, is one of the oldest and longest serving forms of metal armor that humans have yet to devise. Made from said steel rings, it protects well against cuts. And that's about all. Someone using say a hammer, or arrows, would effectively transform your expensive armor into a heavy shirt with a narrow list of functions that can be related here: 1) Chafe nipples. That is all.
So why learn such a trade? Well, it may come in handy at some point in the future. Who knows? Armor is always good to have, especially if we're all reduced to using pointed sticks, and maybe swords. A second skin of steel might be all that you have between your soft and supple skin (by the way, what sort of moisturizer do you use? So touchabally soft!) and large gaping wounds in your flesh. And there aren't that many people out there who can make it. So it's time for a little self-reliance, and get the job done right. Or at least get it good enough.
Global Warming – Well, here we go. Wearing tens of pounds of metal while operating on the open ocean. What effin genius came up with this idea? Why not just tie an anchor to your ankle and call it a day? An anchor is a lot cheaper than even a shirt made from chain mail. Wait, there's more! More than a free trip to Davey Jones' locker you say? How can it get better than that? I'll tell you... Honestly, chainmail might be more useful at sea than one expects. Providing that you use the right material. I'm thinking aluminum or Titanium. Preferably the latter. Chainmaile has found a new use in these last few decades in the form of shark proof suits. Full body of suits, made from very tiny rings, that will reduce the chance that a hungry shark walks off with one of your favorite limbs. And no doubt that these very suits will come in quite handy when standing up against invading pirates as they wave their cutlasses about and brandish empty muskets. 4/5
Zombie Uprising – Well, here we have a major up and down side. Zombie use their hands and teeth to do most of their damage. Grab and bite. That is the whole of their tactical bag of tricks. And after a few weeks/months/years of being a walking corpse, zombies will no doubt boast a set of teeth that will make your average meth addict cringe. Having a cloth of steel between your hide and that mouth full of chipped chompers is quite an appealing thought. Until you take into account that a shirt might weigh up to forty pounds. That makes for a long ass hike though the dead infested city streets as you scavenge for food. That'll build stamina, which is good if you manage to keep your strength up for weeks straight as you self-inflict death marches. After all the weeks that it took to make the damn thing in the first place. Until then, you're moving slower and tiring yourself out un-neededly. Finally after weeks of sweating through unbearable heat in your portable oven, summer will fade and winter will return, and your nipples, after having chaffed for months, will learn a new form of torture. Freezing and sticking to your shirt. Fun times. That's why I'm sticking with leather. Sure, I'll look more like the biker from the Village People – can't be helped, but it'll be warmer, and less heavy. 1/5
Nuclear War – I've done a lot of thinking here, and the only practical use that chainmail might have for a wanderer of the thirsty wastelands would be to give their NukePoc wardrobe a little extra pizazz that the other nameless mercenaries and bandits are totally lacking. Leather jackets and football shoulder pads will rule the day, but at the same time become rather cliché. Time to start a whole new trend here...
I can't keep nattering on here. To hell with all the above concerns. I have two words for the lot of you. Chainmail Bikini. 5/5 Recognize.
Go out and weave little monkeys, daddy has a major chicks in chain fetish, and he wants to share it with the rest of the world.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
The rabbit goes through the hole, 7, 8 9 times.
Rope. A series of interwoven strands of fiber or string. Not metal, that would be cable. Rope has been an essential tool for our sad little species for some 28,000 or more years. Rope can be put to use hoisting sails. If you have enough you can weave a net. It's useful in the art of decorating pottery. With some knots, heavy ropes make a nice bludgeon. Need to climb a building or repel down a canyon? Well Rope has your back. You can tie maidens to railroad tracks to taunt the hero. Or execute the villains by stringing them up at the nearest tree. Mind you don't get an innocent bystander, cause the apocalypse is a bitch enough to survive without an angry and righteous bounty-hunter following your every move trying to enact his vendetta of revenge. I know, had it happen to me once. Dick shot me, even after I got him a card by way of apology.
Clearly Hallmarks line of "Sorry for lynching you, we thought you were someone else" greeting cards are less effective than advertised.
You know who always has it? Charles Bronson. That's right, the bad-assed beatdown in a sock mofo Chuckles. And Samwise Gamgee. Can't forget good loyal trustworthy Sam the Boyscout. He always comes prepared he does! Well, that isn't true, that dumbass forgot to bring rope when he left the Shire, and then again when the company left Rivendell. But hey, what can you really expect from a sidekick after all? If you're lucky, loyalty and skill with rope. And maybe mad ninja skills for when he/she can't lay their hands on rope.
Lord of the Rings and Boondock Saints references aside, rope is still a useful asset to have in a bind. Or to have for a bind.
But in order to squeeze every last drop of value from this multi-functional and adaptable resource, there are some tricks to master. that's where investing some time learning some proper knot-tying comes in-handy. Rope is rather useless if you don't know how to tie a knot. Cue the impotence double entendre! There are hundreds of different knots. From simple knots using a single piece of rope, to attaching two ore more into a single line. The ability to knot rope is what makes it so damn versatile in the first place. Really, what woman doesn't go wild for a man who can't tie a knot in a cherry stem? Or even another woman. That's pretty hot. We don't even need to get into the bondage possibilities.
Global Warming - Look, sea-levels have risen. My mutant ass will probably be on a boat. A sailboat at that, since I don't really trust my chances in getting my hands on a reliable supply of petrol to make a boat go. Have you ever seen a sailboat? Those things are covered with ropes that desperately need to be tied. And how else can I plan to attach grappling hooks to the end of a rope for a good old-fashioned boarding? This skill is not merely useful, it's necessary. 10/5
Ideally, I tend to see myself on a boat for pretty much all the other scenarios. Though I doubt my stomach will thank me for it. Or the rest of the crew after the fiftieth rendition of a certain song. I think that I've listed enough reasons previously for land dwellers to take the craft of knot-tying seriously, from improved mobility to improvised weaponry, rope has it all. Even zombies will learn to fear the wrath of the rope. There will be all sorts of buildings to scale, villains to tie, and aliens to hang. Being able to tie the right knot for the occasion will get you all the nookie. Recognize. 5/5
Clearly Hallmarks line of "Sorry for lynching you, we thought you were someone else" greeting cards are less effective than advertised.
You know who always has it? Charles Bronson. That's right, the bad-assed beatdown in a sock mofo Chuckles. And Samwise Gamgee. Can't forget good loyal trustworthy Sam the Boyscout. He always comes prepared he does! Well, that isn't true, that dumbass forgot to bring rope when he left the Shire, and then again when the company left Rivendell. But hey, what can you really expect from a sidekick after all? If you're lucky, loyalty and skill with rope. And maybe mad ninja skills for when he/she can't lay their hands on rope.
Lord of the Rings and Boondock Saints references aside, rope is still a useful asset to have in a bind. Or to have for a bind.
But in order to squeeze every last drop of value from this multi-functional and adaptable resource, there are some tricks to master. that's where investing some time learning some proper knot-tying comes in-handy. Rope is rather useless if you don't know how to tie a knot. Cue the impotence double entendre! There are hundreds of different knots. From simple knots using a single piece of rope, to attaching two ore more into a single line. The ability to knot rope is what makes it so damn versatile in the first place. Really, what woman doesn't go wild for a man who can't tie a knot in a cherry stem? Or even another woman. That's pretty hot. We don't even need to get into the bondage possibilities.
Global Warming - Look, sea-levels have risen. My mutant ass will probably be on a boat. A sailboat at that, since I don't really trust my chances in getting my hands on a reliable supply of petrol to make a boat go. Have you ever seen a sailboat? Those things are covered with ropes that desperately need to be tied. And how else can I plan to attach grappling hooks to the end of a rope for a good old-fashioned boarding? This skill is not merely useful, it's necessary. 10/5
Ideally, I tend to see myself on a boat for pretty much all the other scenarios. Though I doubt my stomach will thank me for it. Or the rest of the crew after the fiftieth rendition of a certain song. I think that I've listed enough reasons previously for land dwellers to take the craft of knot-tying seriously, from improved mobility to improvised weaponry, rope has it all. Even zombies will learn to fear the wrath of the rope. There will be all sorts of buildings to scale, villains to tie, and aliens to hang. Being able to tie the right knot for the occasion will get you all the nookie. Recognize. 5/5
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Eagle Claw Strike!
The phrase Martial Arts when broken down can easily be applied to any form of the soldier's craft. We'll focus more on the fighting and killing aspect. And even further on close-combat both armed and unarmed. The Greeks had their pikes, the Romans combined their short stabbing swords and large tower shields, the French mastered the art of heavy infantry, the Mongols were Gods of Death on their horses. But none of these images is as powerful as the ShaoLin Monks and their ability to inflict shock and awe with just their bare hands and feet. And look damn cool doing it. Let's just keep to the empty handed techniques for this run shall we?
Martial arts, the ability to disarm, wound and kill with your bare hands. I like the Steven Seagal form of Akido. No fancy jumps and kicks. You just stand there and become a giant, unmovable wall of hurt to anyone dumb enough to cross the path of your windmilling-throatRemoving hands. All fear the ability not only to break multiple bones with your thumb, but also to transform ordinary household objects into weapons. And you get to wear a pony-tail to boot. But these forms of training take years and years of hard work to master. I don't have those years. But I have seen a lot of movies. And I do have netflix. How hard can it be?
Very. Just ask the Star Wars Kid. That poor bastard.
There are hundreds of different possible forms to choose from. Some ancient and others quite modern. Most modern militarys give their volunteers at least a crash course in all things close combat, from hand to hand training, to knives, to spears(bayonets) and clubs(rifle butts). There are even Dojos in most of the cities across the country offering everything from TaeKwanDo on up to the more obscure branches of the martial arts trees. All you need is a combination of time/money/discipline and you can easily find someone to make you at least look like you know what you're doing. all while giving you a heady injection of confidence - which could be really bad when your flabby ass walks into a biker bar and decides to call them sissies while relying on your green belt to protect you.
Zombie Uprising - You don't fight zombies. You kill them. Or they eat you. I guess you can piss yourself and flee too, but that's just running away from your problems. This is with the horror movie classic Romero style zombies. Hatian Voodoo Zombies are another animal altogether. Breaking bones, Arm Locks, Yoga Noogies, and Tearing out Throats - These really are ineffective against walking corpses that don't feel. Sure, if you bust a zombie's leg(s) it will move much more slowly. But it will keep moving, unlike a human that these arts were developed to counter. Really, you aren't much better off after years of training than a twelve year old with a shotgun, and personally I wouldn't want to go after a crowd of zombies with just my hands and feet. My experience in the subject (Read that as, when I played Dead Rising) is that thinking that you're an unbeatable badass is a damned good way to get yourself killed. A little confidence is a dangerous thing. 2/5
Alien Invasion - You recall that scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, when Lancelot attacks the castle and beats on it with his sword. I imagine that my fists will be just as effective against the hull of any vessel capable of traveling through space. So what, then the aliens step out of their ship, you assume your fighting stance, only to be vaporized by like twenty deathrays. So, maybe your kung fu is strong, and you make it to the overlord and challenge to hand to hand combat him for the fate of our species. Assuming the creature doesn't just have you hauled off and anal-probed the prognosis isn't good. If you win, you get vaporized, if lose, you're sold to the salt mines of of Sloggoth Seven. Or maybe you get your ass hauled back to the MotherWorld and are forced to fight in the Arena against other captive warriors. This could either lead to a KungFu Slave Revolt, or a sword through your head. 2/5
Global Warming - As we all know, the oceans are infested with pirates. The oceans collectively are the natural environment for pirates to dwell. Basically, the oceans are for pirates what human cities are for rats. When the water levels go up, the pirate population is going to explode exponentially. which is rather funny considering that the Pastafarians believe that global warming is directly resulted from the decline in pirates over the years. Maybe we'll finally come to a proper balance. Maybe. Anyhow, the ninja, the ultimate martial artist, is the pirate's natural enemy. Transforming yourself into a sharpened, spinning whirrligig of death will be immanently useful when repelling the unending stream of boarders intent on buggering off with your booty. 5/5
Resource wars and Nuclear Apocalypse - Due to the fact that their situations are rather similar, I'm lumping these two together. In both, we're dealing mostly with other human beings. Living breathing humans. Sure, some might have extra limbs and exotic skin tones after getting their fair dose of fallout, but hey, just more bones to break huh. Here's the one situation that mastering the martial arts comes into its own. Especially after the first decade or so of conflict and PvP battles where everyone has wasted all of the ammunition and we're all down to wielding rusty chains and 2x4s with nails through them. Now is the time to pull out the Kwai Chang Caine and pulverize all comers in extreme slow motion so that the kids at home can follow along. That dude with one hockey knee-pad, bandanna and tank-top? He'll be mighty surprised as you use the Eagle Claw Technique to rip his heart out of his chest and show it to him as he's dying. Booya! 5/5
Martial arts, the ability to disarm, wound and kill with your bare hands. I like the Steven Seagal form of Akido. No fancy jumps and kicks. You just stand there and become a giant, unmovable wall of hurt to anyone dumb enough to cross the path of your windmilling-throatRemoving hands. All fear the ability not only to break multiple bones with your thumb, but also to transform ordinary household objects into weapons. And you get to wear a pony-tail to boot. But these forms of training take years and years of hard work to master. I don't have those years. But I have seen a lot of movies. And I do have netflix. How hard can it be?
Very. Just ask the Star Wars Kid. That poor bastard.
There are hundreds of different possible forms to choose from. Some ancient and others quite modern. Most modern militarys give their volunteers at least a crash course in all things close combat, from hand to hand training, to knives, to spears(bayonets) and clubs(rifle butts). There are even Dojos in most of the cities across the country offering everything from TaeKwanDo on up to the more obscure branches of the martial arts trees. All you need is a combination of time/money/discipline and you can easily find someone to make you at least look like you know what you're doing. all while giving you a heady injection of confidence - which could be really bad when your flabby ass walks into a biker bar and decides to call them sissies while relying on your green belt to protect you.
Zombie Uprising - You don't fight zombies. You kill them. Or they eat you. I guess you can piss yourself and flee too, but that's just running away from your problems. This is with the horror movie classic Romero style zombies. Hatian Voodoo Zombies are another animal altogether. Breaking bones, Arm Locks, Yoga Noogies, and Tearing out Throats - These really are ineffective against walking corpses that don't feel. Sure, if you bust a zombie's leg(s) it will move much more slowly. But it will keep moving, unlike a human that these arts were developed to counter. Really, you aren't much better off after years of training than a twelve year old with a shotgun, and personally I wouldn't want to go after a crowd of zombies with just my hands and feet. My experience in the subject (Read that as, when I played Dead Rising) is that thinking that you're an unbeatable badass is a damned good way to get yourself killed. A little confidence is a dangerous thing. 2/5
Alien Invasion - You recall that scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, when Lancelot attacks the castle and beats on it with his sword. I imagine that my fists will be just as effective against the hull of any vessel capable of traveling through space. So what, then the aliens step out of their ship, you assume your fighting stance, only to be vaporized by like twenty deathrays. So, maybe your kung fu is strong, and you make it to the overlord and challenge to hand to hand combat him for the fate of our species. Assuming the creature doesn't just have you hauled off and anal-probed the prognosis isn't good. If you win, you get vaporized, if lose, you're sold to the salt mines of of Sloggoth Seven. Or maybe you get your ass hauled back to the MotherWorld and are forced to fight in the Arena against other captive warriors. This could either lead to a KungFu Slave Revolt, or a sword through your head. 2/5
Global Warming - As we all know, the oceans are infested with pirates. The oceans collectively are the natural environment for pirates to dwell. Basically, the oceans are for pirates what human cities are for rats. When the water levels go up, the pirate population is going to explode exponentially. which is rather funny considering that the Pastafarians believe that global warming is directly resulted from the decline in pirates over the years. Maybe we'll finally come to a proper balance. Maybe. Anyhow, the ninja, the ultimate martial artist, is the pirate's natural enemy. Transforming yourself into a sharpened, spinning whirrligig of death will be immanently useful when repelling the unending stream of boarders intent on buggering off with your booty. 5/5
Resource wars and Nuclear Apocalypse - Due to the fact that their situations are rather similar, I'm lumping these two together. In both, we're dealing mostly with other human beings. Living breathing humans. Sure, some might have extra limbs and exotic skin tones after getting their fair dose of fallout, but hey, just more bones to break huh. Here's the one situation that mastering the martial arts comes into its own. Especially after the first decade or so of conflict and PvP battles where everyone has wasted all of the ammunition and we're all down to wielding rusty chains and 2x4s with nails through them. Now is the time to pull out the Kwai Chang Caine and pulverize all comers in extreme slow motion so that the kids at home can follow along. That dude with one hockey knee-pad, bandanna and tank-top? He'll be mighty surprised as you use the Eagle Claw Technique to rip his heart out of his chest and show it to him as he's dying. Booya! 5/5
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