The English Longbow is one of Medieval Europe's most deadly weapons. The powerful bow, in the hands of a skilled archer, could launch an arrow hundreds of feet across a battlefield, and then punch through steel plate armor when it fell back to Earth, sending on even the most powerful knight to push up the daisies. The English would rain thousands of arrows down on the heads of their enemies. All until the French finally wised up and stayed inside of their castles and the longbow was superseded by firearms.
Ben Franklin wanted to use massed bows against the English during the Revolution, in place of expensive Muskets and the hard to acquire gun powder. The American Continent had tons of trees, so why not make powerful bows out of them and wipe out the English with their own ancient weapons?
Good question Ben. The answer? Well, Archery isn't an easy skill to master. With firearms such as the muskets of the period, all one would really need to do was to point a loaded weapon in the general direction of the enemy and pull the trigger. Range and accuracy were both dismal, but it was a weapon that was easy to learn to operate, especially when battles were fought with large blocks of soldiers just hammering away at one another.
By comparison to become proficient with the English longbow takes years of careful training.. Years, maybe even decades to master. The English Peasants were required by law to start their training in childhood and practice weekly as required by law. The longbow was the weapon of farmers and other peasants. Men who built up enormous physical strength to draw back the string, not just once but dozens of times over the course of a battle.
I've tried shooting a bow a couple times. And to use an old saw, if it weren't for gravity, I wouldn't be able to hit the ground. Yeah, it isn't nearly as easy as it looks. Pull back string, hit target. Try this, pull back string, drop arrow, curse, pick up arrow, put arrow back on string, drop again. Repeat. Finally, pull back string, release, miss target, lose arrow. Swallow rage. Go back inside and drink.
It's a fun sport I tells ya.
Why bother with a bow then? When it requires all that work? When there are firearms just lying about? Ever try and make a single round of ammunition for that 12 gauge shotgun? Huh? Now that takes know-how. A combination of chemistry and mechanics and metallurgy. Most human cultures were able to tie some rope to a branch and create a working bow and arrow system. How many of them went on to manufacture Repeater rifles?
Here's a great primer on what you need to make a bow using a sapling. Though it does
Global Warming: Man, I just don't have a positive view of humanity, must be, since most of my reasons for picking up these skills are martial in nature. Well, getting your hands on a lithe young sapling to create a bow might be difficult at best. Don't get me started on the arrows. But bows can be made out of other substances besides wood. Bone and sinew from animals were used to make wonderfully powerful bows in the early days of civilization. Anyhow, why use one? Well, ever heard of the phrase “Slower than wet gun-powder”? Yeah, guns, and all of their components don't respond well to moisture. Moisture of which the sea is largely comprised. Then again, neither do bows or their strings. Damn it, you might want to just go Medieval and stick with swords. But swords will rust. Fuck you nature!
Alien invasion: Oh yeah. Bows against blasters. A cage fight between the most primitive weapons known to mankind, and the most advanced. Those slags and chigs don't stand a chance. Especially if someone remembers to bring along their copy of Poor Man's James Bond to the party. Specifically that section about making exploding arrow heads. Picture it, a beefy sweaty dude with a speech impediment and a severe case of PTSD, running through the woods 'sploding skin-jobs with his wacky bag of arrow grenades. All of our movies have taught us one thing, a lone ex-special forces maniac running through the woods half-naked and with the simplest weapons can take down the most bad-assed of foes. Worked in the Rambo movies. And in Predator, you can't forget Predator, in fact, Predator proved that we need to abandon all of our hifalutin tech for mud and spears. LONG LIVE ARCHERY! DOWN WITH THE SPLOOGIES! 4/5
I don't feel the need to expand further. I don't think that there's anywhere else to go. After civilization collapses we'll regress a bit, and firearms will become largely worthless. But that's ok, because exploding arrows are easy to make! Rambo was right on the awesomeness of using a bow. As a whole the weapon is nearly silent compared to an off the shelf model of any firearm.
< scenario >
He heard the roar of the motorcycles long before you catch that glint of sun on the chrome of the leader's gas-tank. Ten, twenty, thirty. More. Roll into the little village that you made your home after weeks of wandering. Empty and safe, but most importantly there were no memories there. Just a blank slate. One helped by the well stocked saloon where you finally made your residence.
All that changed as the gang of hyenas tore into your territory, their weapons speaking with thunder as they smashed windows and ransacked the stores along main street. The noise. They each and every man, and most of the women, were armed. With bellows of laughter they stripped the furniture shop of anything that would burn and piled their booty into a hill in the middle of the street. Smoke and a red glow greeted the stars as the twilight gave way to full night.
Fire was their god. And they worshiped the flames with drunken revelry that would make Pan himself blush and turn his head in disgust. And worse. Not all of the figures below were members of the gang. Some were being dragged off into the shadows that flickered and danced at the edge of the fire's glow. Most seemed too shocked to resist.
He grit his teeth as his hand reached for his bow. Two full quivers. He needed to make every single shaft count.
< /scenario >
And, if you manage to take down a whole effin roving biker gang, one that's armed with machine guns, using just your bow - well that just elevates you to a whole new level of badassery. One inhabited by the likes of Godzilla, Bruce Lee and Superman.
Showing posts with label parkour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parkour. Show all posts
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Sunday, December 26, 2010
A sword in the hand is like two in the face. I guess.
I do not wish to ever utter/scream the phrase “Oh shit I gone done stabbed myself” in any of its variations. Same goes for cutting, bludgeoned and so forth. As I see it, lopping off your own limbs isn't conducive to long life, and it just makes you look like an inept asshole. Chicks dig scars and war wounds, or so I'm told, but I have my doubts that cutting a chunk out of your own leg will help you score some honey in the local watering hole Saturday night. Unless it's one of those kick ass apocalypse where most of the male half of the species is killed by a mysterious plague. You know the ones, when even the Bastard Child of Carrot Top and Yahoo Serious beds a different Hooters girl every night.
Come on only man left alive apocalypse!
But with my luck, I'd wind up in one of those post-apocalyptic matriarchal societies that is rather hostile towards we XYers. Has to do with destroying the world or some such. So yeah, instead of roaming the lands making babies, I'll end up a hunted fugitive. Or maybe as an animal locked in a cage for children to gawk at.
Any object can be used as a weapon, all it takes is the will to hurt or kill. I've seen enough wrestling to know that a folding chair in the right hands is one impressive implement of destruction. A weapon is a tool like any other, and it's always good to know how to use your tools. With a little hard work you could be instead of a child finger-painting, you could be a Rembrandt...well maybe a Pollock... as you cleave, slice and bludgeon your way through the ranks of your unwitting enemies.
We as human beings have developed a large array of devices with which to cleave, maim, disembowel, burn, impale and generally hurt one another. We're not a very pleasant species when it comes down to it. But then, most of the smarter animals seem to be dicks too. Chimps wage wars one one another, killing for territorial rights. Dolphins murder porpoises on sight and for no understood reason – not for food, they just attack on sight. Yet we rule the roost, for we were the first to make use of the club and then later the pointed stick and finally the bow and arrow. The nice thing about these ancient implements of ass-kickery is that they never run out of ammunition. Sure, your +0 Machette might bend and break, and you'll have to sharpen it after heavy use, but until it fails you'll always have a functioning weapon at hand. You'll never raise your battle-axe overhead only to hear an empty click, forcing you to reload.
Of course, you don't want This to happen to you. Especially if you have asshole friends who have access to video cameras. So time to eat your Wheaties and learn how to swing a battle axe without cutting your foot off. Doesn't sound too difficult you say? Well, most warriors in the past would begin their training as children, and hope to master their trade of bloodshed and battle by the time they reached adulthood. I gotta feeling that there aren't many alive in this day and age who say the same.
No, your mastery of Assassin's Creed doesn't get you credit here bub. It just gets you stabbed in the face and eaten by the zombie horde. That's ok, you can always hit reset and enter the Code and get those thirty lives you forgot before. Oh, wait, that doesn't work in real life. Oh well, I'm sure you'll think of something, maybe plugging in an aim bot.
Combine Parkour, Martial Arts and Weapons Training and you're pretty much a Ninja. How's that for a triumvirate of badassitude? To complete your training, all you'll need to do is learn to fly. That'll be addressed later on.
Global warming – There's going to be pirates. There are always pirates on the sea. It's a law of nature. Ice is cold and pirates infest the world's oceans. Here's where we run into trouble. The Pirate's natural enemy is the ninja. Ninjas live on dry land, and there is no more dry land. So there won't be anyone to keep the pirate fleets in check. Remember to pack plenty of Katanas and black pajamas. 4/5
Zombie Uprising - The Eminent and most Respected Sage Max Brooks suggests adopting peasant style weaponry when battling the undead hordes. Peasant weapons are simple to learn and carry into battle. And you can about find them anywhere, or even make them yourself should you have the need. This makes sense, especially for a world where most of us aren't trained in the martial arts from a young age. He seems to have forgotten, though, that you don't fight zombies. There is no finesse to it. You sever the head from the body and destroy the brain to put the creature down. That is in and all. Whether your tool of choice is a katana or a machete or a wood axe, it all is a matter of what feels the most comfortable in your hand. You don't see too many samurai zombies running about fighting duels, so you shouldn't expect to need to be a blademaster to hold your own against a few zombies. But some hands on experience will be good for you when you step out onto your lawn to kill those commie corpses back dead again! Make Max Brooks proud! 3/5
Alien Invasion – Key phrase: Light sab... Energy Swords. The key to success here is energy swords. They come in all shapes and sizes and are hella-helpful against Plantlife, animals, and cyborgs. Now you've seen the video of the dude mishandling a regular sword to his folly and our twisted amusement. I linked it earlier. Go back and take a look. That was with ordinary steel of doubtful quality. Imagine the outcome if he had been playing with a big boy sword instead. Oh yeah, that video would have gotten a million views, and won the America's Funniest Home Videos. Even over the old guy getting kicked in the groin. Heh. You know what, I want to see that. 0/5 No really, you should get some laser swords and camcorders and show the world your mad skills. We'll be impressed, I promise.
Nuclear Holocaust – In the end, after the flash, hopefully warfare will become rather more conventional. Our vast stores of ammunition for our fancy firearms won't last long, those that aren't consumed in nuclear fire. Whatcha got left? A pointed stick. Or whatever bit of sharpened metal you can find. You used your last shotgun shell weeks ago. You've been out of gas for the Chainsaw-chucks even longer. But you still have your sweet sweet cane, the one with the sword inside. So it's all good. Better when you get to skewer the dude wearing naught but a pair of assless chaps and football shoulder pads. Pimptastic brother, show that jive turkey who the man is. 5/5
Resource Wars – If there's one thing you can count on it's the abundance of iron in our planet's crust. The Earth's core is made of iron and nickel, or so say the scientists who study these things, and who am I to question their knowledge. I majored in History. Well, there are countless tons of iron in them there hills. And tons more timber atop them. Wood for smelting the iron and making steel. Enough to equip an army if only we were to harvest.... wait a minute... that's the mindset that got us into trouble in the first place. Well fuck. Assuming that we learned our lesson on squandering our valuable natural resources, Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you 'The Rock'. This year's model is a smooth igneous disk about the size of a child's hand. Useful for either throwing or with proper flint-knapping techniques, a hand-axe. The perfect companion piece to the Craftsman special Pointed-stick. 4/5
Human beings are always going to be assholes, and if you can't defend yourself then you better watch your asshole. I myself am going to get some rope, a pair of chainsaws, and some luck and make the most fearsome (and stupid) weapon the world has ever seen. ChainsawChucks.
Come on only man left alive apocalypse!
But with my luck, I'd wind up in one of those post-apocalyptic matriarchal societies that is rather hostile towards we XYers. Has to do with destroying the world or some such. So yeah, instead of roaming the lands making babies, I'll end up a hunted fugitive. Or maybe as an animal locked in a cage for children to gawk at.
Any object can be used as a weapon, all it takes is the will to hurt or kill. I've seen enough wrestling to know that a folding chair in the right hands is one impressive implement of destruction. A weapon is a tool like any other, and it's always good to know how to use your tools. With a little hard work you could be instead of a child finger-painting, you could be a Rembrandt...well maybe a Pollock... as you cleave, slice and bludgeon your way through the ranks of your unwitting enemies.
We as human beings have developed a large array of devices with which to cleave, maim, disembowel, burn, impale and generally hurt one another. We're not a very pleasant species when it comes down to it. But then, most of the smarter animals seem to be dicks too. Chimps wage wars one one another, killing for territorial rights. Dolphins murder porpoises on sight and for no understood reason – not for food, they just attack on sight. Yet we rule the roost, for we were the first to make use of the club and then later the pointed stick and finally the bow and arrow. The nice thing about these ancient implements of ass-kickery is that they never run out of ammunition. Sure, your +0 Machette might bend and break, and you'll have to sharpen it after heavy use, but until it fails you'll always have a functioning weapon at hand. You'll never raise your battle-axe overhead only to hear an empty click, forcing you to reload.
Of course, you don't want This to happen to you. Especially if you have asshole friends who have access to video cameras. So time to eat your Wheaties and learn how to swing a battle axe without cutting your foot off. Doesn't sound too difficult you say? Well, most warriors in the past would begin their training as children, and hope to master their trade of bloodshed and battle by the time they reached adulthood. I gotta feeling that there aren't many alive in this day and age who say the same.
No, your mastery of Assassin's Creed doesn't get you credit here bub. It just gets you stabbed in the face and eaten by the zombie horde. That's ok, you can always hit reset and enter the Code and get those thirty lives you forgot before. Oh, wait, that doesn't work in real life. Oh well, I'm sure you'll think of something, maybe plugging in an aim bot.
Combine Parkour, Martial Arts and Weapons Training and you're pretty much a Ninja. How's that for a triumvirate of badassitude? To complete your training, all you'll need to do is learn to fly. That'll be addressed later on.
Global warming – There's going to be pirates. There are always pirates on the sea. It's a law of nature. Ice is cold and pirates infest the world's oceans. Here's where we run into trouble. The Pirate's natural enemy is the ninja. Ninjas live on dry land, and there is no more dry land. So there won't be anyone to keep the pirate fleets in check. Remember to pack plenty of Katanas and black pajamas. 4/5
Zombie Uprising - The Eminent and most Respected Sage Max Brooks suggests adopting peasant style weaponry when battling the undead hordes. Peasant weapons are simple to learn and carry into battle. And you can about find them anywhere, or even make them yourself should you have the need. This makes sense, especially for a world where most of us aren't trained in the martial arts from a young age. He seems to have forgotten, though, that you don't fight zombies. There is no finesse to it. You sever the head from the body and destroy the brain to put the creature down. That is in and all. Whether your tool of choice is a katana or a machete or a wood axe, it all is a matter of what feels the most comfortable in your hand. You don't see too many samurai zombies running about fighting duels, so you shouldn't expect to need to be a blademaster to hold your own against a few zombies. But some hands on experience will be good for you when you step out onto your lawn to kill those commie corpses back dead again! Make Max Brooks proud! 3/5
Alien Invasion – Key phrase: Light sab... Energy Swords. The key to success here is energy swords. They come in all shapes and sizes and are hella-helpful against Plantlife, animals, and cyborgs. Now you've seen the video of the dude mishandling a regular sword to his folly and our twisted amusement. I linked it earlier. Go back and take a look. That was with ordinary steel of doubtful quality. Imagine the outcome if he had been playing with a big boy sword instead. Oh yeah, that video would have gotten a million views, and won the America's Funniest Home Videos. Even over the old guy getting kicked in the groin. Heh. You know what, I want to see that. 0/5 No really, you should get some laser swords and camcorders and show the world your mad skills. We'll be impressed, I promise.
Nuclear Holocaust – In the end, after the flash, hopefully warfare will become rather more conventional. Our vast stores of ammunition for our fancy firearms won't last long, those that aren't consumed in nuclear fire. Whatcha got left? A pointed stick. Or whatever bit of sharpened metal you can find. You used your last shotgun shell weeks ago. You've been out of gas for the Chainsaw-chucks even longer. But you still have your sweet sweet cane, the one with the sword inside. So it's all good. Better when you get to skewer the dude wearing naught but a pair of assless chaps and football shoulder pads. Pimptastic brother, show that jive turkey who the man is. 5/5
Resource Wars – If there's one thing you can count on it's the abundance of iron in our planet's crust. The Earth's core is made of iron and nickel, or so say the scientists who study these things, and who am I to question their knowledge. I majored in History. Well, there are countless tons of iron in them there hills. And tons more timber atop them. Wood for smelting the iron and making steel. Enough to equip an army if only we were to harvest.... wait a minute... that's the mindset that got us into trouble in the first place. Well fuck. Assuming that we learned our lesson on squandering our valuable natural resources, Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you 'The Rock'. This year's model is a smooth igneous disk about the size of a child's hand. Useful for either throwing or with proper flint-knapping techniques, a hand-axe. The perfect companion piece to the Craftsman special Pointed-stick. 4/5
Human beings are always going to be assholes, and if you can't defend yourself then you better watch your asshole. I myself am going to get some rope, a pair of chainsaws, and some luck and make the most fearsome (and stupid) weapon the world has ever seen. ChainsawChucks.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
The rabbit goes through the hole, 7, 8 9 times.
Rope. A series of interwoven strands of fiber or string. Not metal, that would be cable. Rope has been an essential tool for our sad little species for some 28,000 or more years. Rope can be put to use hoisting sails. If you have enough you can weave a net. It's useful in the art of decorating pottery. With some knots, heavy ropes make a nice bludgeon. Need to climb a building or repel down a canyon? Well Rope has your back. You can tie maidens to railroad tracks to taunt the hero. Or execute the villains by stringing them up at the nearest tree. Mind you don't get an innocent bystander, cause the apocalypse is a bitch enough to survive without an angry and righteous bounty-hunter following your every move trying to enact his vendetta of revenge. I know, had it happen to me once. Dick shot me, even after I got him a card by way of apology.
Clearly Hallmarks line of "Sorry for lynching you, we thought you were someone else" greeting cards are less effective than advertised.
You know who always has it? Charles Bronson. That's right, the bad-assed beatdown in a sock mofo Chuckles. And Samwise Gamgee. Can't forget good loyal trustworthy Sam the Boyscout. He always comes prepared he does! Well, that isn't true, that dumbass forgot to bring rope when he left the Shire, and then again when the company left Rivendell. But hey, what can you really expect from a sidekick after all? If you're lucky, loyalty and skill with rope. And maybe mad ninja skills for when he/she can't lay their hands on rope.
Lord of the Rings and Boondock Saints references aside, rope is still a useful asset to have in a bind. Or to have for a bind.
But in order to squeeze every last drop of value from this multi-functional and adaptable resource, there are some tricks to master. that's where investing some time learning some proper knot-tying comes in-handy. Rope is rather useless if you don't know how to tie a knot. Cue the impotence double entendre! There are hundreds of different knots. From simple knots using a single piece of rope, to attaching two ore more into a single line. The ability to knot rope is what makes it so damn versatile in the first place. Really, what woman doesn't go wild for a man who can't tie a knot in a cherry stem? Or even another woman. That's pretty hot. We don't even need to get into the bondage possibilities.
Global Warming - Look, sea-levels have risen. My mutant ass will probably be on a boat. A sailboat at that, since I don't really trust my chances in getting my hands on a reliable supply of petrol to make a boat go. Have you ever seen a sailboat? Those things are covered with ropes that desperately need to be tied. And how else can I plan to attach grappling hooks to the end of a rope for a good old-fashioned boarding? This skill is not merely useful, it's necessary. 10/5
Ideally, I tend to see myself on a boat for pretty much all the other scenarios. Though I doubt my stomach will thank me for it. Or the rest of the crew after the fiftieth rendition of a certain song. I think that I've listed enough reasons previously for land dwellers to take the craft of knot-tying seriously, from improved mobility to improvised weaponry, rope has it all. Even zombies will learn to fear the wrath of the rope. There will be all sorts of buildings to scale, villains to tie, and aliens to hang. Being able to tie the right knot for the occasion will get you all the nookie. Recognize. 5/5
Clearly Hallmarks line of "Sorry for lynching you, we thought you were someone else" greeting cards are less effective than advertised.
You know who always has it? Charles Bronson. That's right, the bad-assed beatdown in a sock mofo Chuckles. And Samwise Gamgee. Can't forget good loyal trustworthy Sam the Boyscout. He always comes prepared he does! Well, that isn't true, that dumbass forgot to bring rope when he left the Shire, and then again when the company left Rivendell. But hey, what can you really expect from a sidekick after all? If you're lucky, loyalty and skill with rope. And maybe mad ninja skills for when he/she can't lay their hands on rope.
Lord of the Rings and Boondock Saints references aside, rope is still a useful asset to have in a bind. Or to have for a bind.
But in order to squeeze every last drop of value from this multi-functional and adaptable resource, there are some tricks to master. that's where investing some time learning some proper knot-tying comes in-handy. Rope is rather useless if you don't know how to tie a knot. Cue the impotence double entendre! There are hundreds of different knots. From simple knots using a single piece of rope, to attaching two ore more into a single line. The ability to knot rope is what makes it so damn versatile in the first place. Really, what woman doesn't go wild for a man who can't tie a knot in a cherry stem? Or even another woman. That's pretty hot. We don't even need to get into the bondage possibilities.
Global Warming - Look, sea-levels have risen. My mutant ass will probably be on a boat. A sailboat at that, since I don't really trust my chances in getting my hands on a reliable supply of petrol to make a boat go. Have you ever seen a sailboat? Those things are covered with ropes that desperately need to be tied. And how else can I plan to attach grappling hooks to the end of a rope for a good old-fashioned boarding? This skill is not merely useful, it's necessary. 10/5
Ideally, I tend to see myself on a boat for pretty much all the other scenarios. Though I doubt my stomach will thank me for it. Or the rest of the crew after the fiftieth rendition of a certain song. I think that I've listed enough reasons previously for land dwellers to take the craft of knot-tying seriously, from improved mobility to improvised weaponry, rope has it all. Even zombies will learn to fear the wrath of the rope. There will be all sorts of buildings to scale, villains to tie, and aliens to hang. Being able to tie the right knot for the occasion will get you all the nookie. Recognize. 5/5
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Parkour, it's like dancing in the streets!
Number 1, Cardio. No wait, that was Zombieland. Cardio, the ability to run for distances and keep running without feinting from exertion is a good skill to have in everyday life. Sadly, I don't really run anymore, and haven't much since high school. I walk briskly instead. And then I take a nap. Maybe a nap before hand too. But cardio is a good asset. Good, but not fantastic. Besides, it's virtues have been covered in full elsewhere.
Actually first on the list, and last that I'll probably get to, is Parkour(Daddy's lazy). Also known as free running. Parkour combines feats requiring upper and lower body strength as the adherent is expected to quickly and easily tackle any obstacles that might leap up into their paths. In the words of Teddy http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifRoosevelt, Over, under, or through - but never around. The exercise not only improves strength and general fitness and endurance, but it also sharpens the mind as the athlete is forced to make decisions on their feet while running towards an abyss.
Parkour been everywhere these last few years, because it is hella-impressive to a nation of couch-potatoes. You recall the opening sequence to the Casino Royale remake with Danial Craig? Damn right you do. Where they were running and climbing all over and through that building site? Parkour baby.
For those of you who haven't seen Parkour, and those who have and want to see some more, here is a taste. Pretty damn cool huh? Did you see how he SpiderManned that building? All to that crazy French rap music? Insane! Tell me that skill wouldn't come in handy. The problem is, that dude is in hella-good shape. My muscles are sore from just watching.
But now you see my problem. I'm a fat, lazy American, and mastering the art of Parkour would require a lot of breathing hard and sweating. And not the good kind (read masturbation – Another important skill for the apocalypse – But you won't be seeing it here, since I'm already pretty damn good at it – you're shocked I see. But really, no need to worry about that at all. In fact, if you have a group of survivors sadly lacking that skill-set, feel free to send them my way, I'd love to turn that passion into full time work. No, I don't do videos). So, hand me that big mac and give me a tv guide. Lemme invest in a jet-powered segway instead. Walking and climbing are for chumps.
Zombies – Anything that allows you to avoid the hordes of the walking dead is definitely a skill worth having. Parkour would be immensely helpful in a zombie uprising, no matter what type of zombies the director decided to throw at you. Slow or fast. It seems to be generally established that Zombies can't climb. They suck like that. Eat brains, sure, but you can outwit them with the same tactics that you might use to thwart those lazy bastards who sit around in those chair-dealies with the big wheels. So, you were in town looking for your high school sweetheart who you just began talking to again a couple weeks before. You get your dumb ass cornered by a pack of zombies. Slowly they shuffle forward, stretching their hands out to take hold of your precious, tasty flesh. When all of a sudden you bust a move and back-flip up a five story wall to the roof. Boom, you're out of range. Just don't get too cocky, since 95% of the world's population has been converted to hungry corpses. 5/5
Global Warming – You're on a boat. On a boat. Look at you, you're on a mother fucking boat. Parkour is a lot less impressive when there aren't any huge buildings to scale. Sure, you might be able to climb the mast a couple times here and there. Sure, there would be buildings in most of the world's major cities that would jut from the surface of the ocean. Being able to climb those buildings in a dramatic way conceivably might come in handy. If you were dumb enough to approach. I have to imagine that the currents around the pillars would be treacherous at best. Really, what sort of loot is there in a office building that might be that valuable to boat dwellers? The copier/fax machine in Ted's office? Shah. 1/5.
Alien invasion – I'm at a loss for this one. Have the cities been turned into pools of slag? Do you want to do anything flashy, like a leap turned backwards somersault off of a roof onto the lawn below? Sure, parkour might be useful when you're being chased down by an extermination squad. At least at first. But I'm pretty sure those bastards have mastered the art of powered flight. I mean, they got here after all didn't they? Best to just keep your head down and learn to sneak around and hide. 2/5
Resource Wars – In a world without a lot of automobiles on the street, being fast on your feet will always be an advantage. The rules are about the same as the zombie uprising, though with fewer cannibalistic walking corpses and more hard-core gay leather bondage gangs roaming the land. Is that a win? I guess if you're into the gay BDSM scene. Personally? I'm going to start doing more pull-ups and maybe take up jogging. Feeling the wrath of Spike's riding crop is about as appealing as getting bitten by a staggerer. Less so, since I imagine that any effective lubricants will have become as scarce as gasoline not long into the collapse. This sucks. Why can't we have a Hooters Girls apocalypse? 5/5
Nuclear Exchange – Picture this. There's a big bright flash. The world burns. Cities are in ruins. You're scavenging in the bones of New York after the dust settles when you happen across a gang of radiated dwarfs. They see you, and give chase, and suddenly it looks like that scene from Jackass 2. Except they're dressed like clowns and carrying knives. Not to mention their intent to rape all of your holes and then eat your flesh. They have you cornered on the roof, as more and more of the gang creeps out of vents and holes. Radioactive Midget Clowns, they're everywhere, can't stand them. Think of how it would torque those little buggers if you took a flying leap, flipped, landed on a roof fifteen feet and rolled to relative safety? The only downside here is that you'd have to goto one of those dwarf-gang-infested, radioactive cities to show off your mad moves. Offer null and void if the glowing midget clowns have giant rats for steeds. Then you're fucked. Sure, parkour will come in handy in urban settings. But urban settings, though likely sources of supplies, will be prime targets for nuclear bombs, thus they'll still be glowing for sometime after the flash. 4/5
Actually first on the list, and last that I'll probably get to, is Parkour(Daddy's lazy). Also known as free running. Parkour combines feats requiring upper and lower body strength as the adherent is expected to quickly and easily tackle any obstacles that might leap up into their paths. In the words of Teddy http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifRoosevelt, Over, under, or through - but never around. The exercise not only improves strength and general fitness and endurance, but it also sharpens the mind as the athlete is forced to make decisions on their feet while running towards an abyss.
Parkour been everywhere these last few years, because it is hella-impressive to a nation of couch-potatoes. You recall the opening sequence to the Casino Royale remake with Danial Craig? Damn right you do. Where they were running and climbing all over and through that building site? Parkour baby.
For those of you who haven't seen Parkour, and those who have and want to see some more, here is a taste. Pretty damn cool huh? Did you see how he SpiderManned that building? All to that crazy French rap music? Insane! Tell me that skill wouldn't come in handy. The problem is, that dude is in hella-good shape. My muscles are sore from just watching.
But now you see my problem. I'm a fat, lazy American, and mastering the art of Parkour would require a lot of breathing hard and sweating. And not the good kind (read masturbation – Another important skill for the apocalypse – But you won't be seeing it here, since I'm already pretty damn good at it – you're shocked I see. But really, no need to worry about that at all. In fact, if you have a group of survivors sadly lacking that skill-set, feel free to send them my way, I'd love to turn that passion into full time work. No, I don't do videos). So, hand me that big mac and give me a tv guide. Lemme invest in a jet-powered segway instead. Walking and climbing are for chumps.
Zombies – Anything that allows you to avoid the hordes of the walking dead is definitely a skill worth having. Parkour would be immensely helpful in a zombie uprising, no matter what type of zombies the director decided to throw at you. Slow or fast. It seems to be generally established that Zombies can't climb. They suck like that. Eat brains, sure, but you can outwit them with the same tactics that you might use to thwart those lazy bastards who sit around in those chair-dealies with the big wheels. So, you were in town looking for your high school sweetheart who you just began talking to again a couple weeks before. You get your dumb ass cornered by a pack of zombies. Slowly they shuffle forward, stretching their hands out to take hold of your precious, tasty flesh. When all of a sudden you bust a move and back-flip up a five story wall to the roof. Boom, you're out of range. Just don't get too cocky, since 95% of the world's population has been converted to hungry corpses. 5/5
Global Warming – You're on a boat. On a boat. Look at you, you're on a mother fucking boat. Parkour is a lot less impressive when there aren't any huge buildings to scale. Sure, you might be able to climb the mast a couple times here and there. Sure, there would be buildings in most of the world's major cities that would jut from the surface of the ocean. Being able to climb those buildings in a dramatic way conceivably might come in handy. If you were dumb enough to approach. I have to imagine that the currents around the pillars would be treacherous at best. Really, what sort of loot is there in a office building that might be that valuable to boat dwellers? The copier/fax machine in Ted's office? Shah. 1/5.
Alien invasion – I'm at a loss for this one. Have the cities been turned into pools of slag? Do you want to do anything flashy, like a leap turned backwards somersault off of a roof onto the lawn below? Sure, parkour might be useful when you're being chased down by an extermination squad. At least at first. But I'm pretty sure those bastards have mastered the art of powered flight. I mean, they got here after all didn't they? Best to just keep your head down and learn to sneak around and hide. 2/5
Resource Wars – In a world without a lot of automobiles on the street, being fast on your feet will always be an advantage. The rules are about the same as the zombie uprising, though with fewer cannibalistic walking corpses and more hard-core gay leather bondage gangs roaming the land. Is that a win? I guess if you're into the gay BDSM scene. Personally? I'm going to start doing more pull-ups and maybe take up jogging. Feeling the wrath of Spike's riding crop is about as appealing as getting bitten by a staggerer. Less so, since I imagine that any effective lubricants will have become as scarce as gasoline not long into the collapse. This sucks. Why can't we have a Hooters Girls apocalypse? 5/5
Nuclear Exchange – Picture this. There's a big bright flash. The world burns. Cities are in ruins. You're scavenging in the bones of New York after the dust settles when you happen across a gang of radiated dwarfs. They see you, and give chase, and suddenly it looks like that scene from Jackass 2. Except they're dressed like clowns and carrying knives. Not to mention their intent to rape all of your holes and then eat your flesh. They have you cornered on the roof, as more and more of the gang creeps out of vents and holes. Radioactive Midget Clowns, they're everywhere, can't stand them. Think of how it would torque those little buggers if you took a flying leap, flipped, landed on a roof fifteen feet and rolled to relative safety? The only downside here is that you'd have to goto one of those dwarf-gang-infested, radioactive cities to show off your mad moves. Offer null and void if the glowing midget clowns have giant rats for steeds. Then you're fucked. Sure, parkour will come in handy in urban settings. But urban settings, though likely sources of supplies, will be prime targets for nuclear bombs, thus they'll still be glowing for sometime after the flash. 4/5
Monday, October 25, 2010
Cleverly Titled First Post
The end times are upon us. The Apocalypse is nigh. The world that we know is about to be no longer. Maybe. The Lunatic Fringe is rather divided on the whole why and how of the actual details of our demise, but rest assured it's nary far off.
Nutters like Glenn Beck seem to think that we're right on the precipice now, that Jesus is coming and that he's going to push the government over for not doing what Glenn...Jesus taught them to do. Which is, not to help the poor, buy gold, and give money back to the rich. It's all in the Bible. Yep, America is going to hell inna handbasket! And it's all our fault for not voting for Jesus in the last, or any other elections. Our nation is doomed for turning our collective backs on God and blah blah blah blah. The Puritans believed the same thing about England at around 1600, causing them to flee before the Almighty bitch-slapped that sleazy shithole back to the stone-age.
Well, talk about getting off on the ground floor. After the exit of the Puritans England became the most powerful nation on the planet, and a major world dominating super-power for some two centuries. They still have yet to be crushed under the hand of God for their deviant ways. Cheerio old Girl and let's go do some dogging!
Meanwhile elements on the left point at global warming, and the Mayan Death Calender and what-ever else they can find to prop up their belief that we're quickly going to kill ourselves with our own collective greed and selfishness. Or maybe the aliens will come and kill us because of our collective greed and selfishness. I've read too many websites to be certain beyond the fact that OMFG WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!1!!
Personally, I think the final sign will be Sarah Palin uttering the words "I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. You betcha!" So, January of 2013 at the earliest. Hopefully not before early 2017, (Rather, hopefully never. NEVER.) when we get into the Nuclear war with France over they're UnAmerican / ProFrench attitudes. And after all we did for them during the French Revolution world war one, what-ever. The ungrateful Bastards. The end will probably come after she refuses to retreat and instead reloads the missile launch tubes.
A pity George Carlin is no longer with us. I'd love to see what his reaction is to our dark and dreary times. Somewhere between Yesterday, and 2016(possibly) this globe is going to be radically changed and everything that we know will disappear. Or maybe not. But better to err on the side of caution eh?
By my calculations I have a little time to spare. So long as i get off my fat lazy ass and get to work. I'm doomed. Whatever happens, society will collapse, and my ebay account will be even more useless. Time to brush up on those important life skills. There are a wide variety of skills I need to master. Or at least assemble more than a vague idea of what the hell is supposed to be happening. After all, when 95% of humanity is obliterated, there will be a helluva lot of cool jobs available.
Sod it. Specialization is for Insects.
I don't know if it will be zombies, or global warming that gets us in the end. Or maybe we just burn ourselves with a nuclear exchange. I guess I'll be measuring each and every skill up against the different scenarios I can think of.
Zombie Uprising - You know the drill. Something, whatever, causes the dead to get up and walk. That's scary. Dead things shouldn't get up and walk around. That's all part of being dead. Worse yet, they seem rather intent on eating things, especially people. Tens of millions of abominations roam the streets, driven by their most basic instincts. That's slow zombies mind, cause with fast ones, I'm boned. Maybe I'll meet a fiery latina chick who's packing a pair of smoking .45s and a body to match. Being that I'm the last man on the planet, she might even give me the time of day. After we've had that awkward first meeting where we almost kill one another, and then grow to respect each other's skills after a series of dangerous encounters with the walking dead and the driving soon-to-be-dead(Did I mention she was a biker slaying badass?) Oh yes, I likes the odds, come on zombies!
Global Warming - The hippies were right, we should have invested in electric car technology and solar/wind power sooner. Fucking hippies. With suddenly racheted up global temperatures the polar ice caps seem to have gone and melted. And now wouldn't you know it, the Dakotas are under a hundred feet of sea water. Kind of crappy, because A) I hate seafood and B) I get seasick. But thems the digs when you mess with mother nature. Hell, If Kevin Costner can deal with it and grow a set of gills to boot, how hard can it be?
Alien Invasion - So, after decades of searching and wondering, we've finally made contact with ET. They crossed the vast light years through the emptiness of space to make contact with our puny species. Then, after we've clearly trashed our planet worse than a rockstar in a cheap hotel room in Cleveland after a lousy gig. The dicks. Well, we've either been annihilated or rounded up and sold into slavery. Whichever, yours truly has dibs on leading the resistance. Hail to the king baby.
Resource Wars - Imagine battling it out with roving gangs of bikers for just a few drops of juice. I know, that was the plot of Mad Max, but hell who can resist? Especially with ever rising gas-prices? Hell, we might be down to bicycles and our own feet. With the smart ones getting high-tech equine burden systems - Horses.
Nuclear exchange - This one isn't that difficult to imagine is it? I mean it's right out of the nightmares of anyone who grew up in the 50s. 60s. 70s. And 80s. Two nuclear powers decide to slug it out with doomsday devices that would give the Perilous Dr. Frakktacular a joygasm just to see in a catalog. Cities disappear in great balls of nuclear fire, shaking our nerves and rattling our brains. A race of intelligent mutant frogs take over the wastelands, and the remnants of the cities are held by vicious gangs who have a strange tendency to throw together their uniforms out of what-ever strange cast-offs that come into their hands. Really, they look like punk hookers who frequent the dumpster behind the Goodwill, but don't tell them that, all the fall out leaves them feeling a mite delicate.
Next time? Skill numero Uno.
Nutters like Glenn Beck seem to think that we're right on the precipice now, that Jesus is coming and that he's going to push the government over for not doing what Glenn...Jesus taught them to do. Which is, not to help the poor, buy gold, and give money back to the rich. It's all in the Bible. Yep, America is going to hell inna handbasket! And it's all our fault for not voting for Jesus in the last, or any other elections. Our nation is doomed for turning our collective backs on God and blah blah blah blah. The Puritans believed the same thing about England at around 1600, causing them to flee before the Almighty bitch-slapped that sleazy shithole back to the stone-age.
Well, talk about getting off on the ground floor. After the exit of the Puritans England became the most powerful nation on the planet, and a major world dominating super-power for some two centuries. They still have yet to be crushed under the hand of God for their deviant ways. Cheerio old Girl and let's go do some dogging!
Meanwhile elements on the left point at global warming, and the Mayan Death Calender and what-ever else they can find to prop up their belief that we're quickly going to kill ourselves with our own collective greed and selfishness. Or maybe the aliens will come and kill us because of our collective greed and selfishness. I've read too many websites to be certain beyond the fact that OMFG WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!1!!
Personally, I think the final sign will be Sarah Palin uttering the words "I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. You betcha!" So, January of 2013 at the earliest. Hopefully not before early 2017, (Rather, hopefully never. NEVER.) when we get into the Nuclear war with France over they're UnAmerican / ProFrench attitudes. And after all we did for them during the French Revolution world war one, what-ever. The ungrateful Bastards. The end will probably come after she refuses to retreat and instead reloads the missile launch tubes.
A pity George Carlin is no longer with us. I'd love to see what his reaction is to our dark and dreary times. Somewhere between Yesterday, and 2016(possibly) this globe is going to be radically changed and everything that we know will disappear. Or maybe not. But better to err on the side of caution eh?
By my calculations I have a little time to spare. So long as i get off my fat lazy ass and get to work. I'm doomed. Whatever happens, society will collapse, and my ebay account will be even more useless. Time to brush up on those important life skills. There are a wide variety of skills I need to master. Or at least assemble more than a vague idea of what the hell is supposed to be happening. After all, when 95% of humanity is obliterated, there will be a helluva lot of cool jobs available.
Sod it. Specialization is for Insects.
I don't know if it will be zombies, or global warming that gets us in the end. Or maybe we just burn ourselves with a nuclear exchange. I guess I'll be measuring each and every skill up against the different scenarios I can think of.
Zombie Uprising - You know the drill. Something, whatever, causes the dead to get up and walk. That's scary. Dead things shouldn't get up and walk around. That's all part of being dead. Worse yet, they seem rather intent on eating things, especially people. Tens of millions of abominations roam the streets, driven by their most basic instincts. That's slow zombies mind, cause with fast ones, I'm boned. Maybe I'll meet a fiery latina chick who's packing a pair of smoking .45s and a body to match. Being that I'm the last man on the planet, she might even give me the time of day. After we've had that awkward first meeting where we almost kill one another, and then grow to respect each other's skills after a series of dangerous encounters with the walking dead and the driving soon-to-be-dead(Did I mention she was a biker slaying badass?) Oh yes, I likes the odds, come on zombies!
Global Warming - The hippies were right, we should have invested in electric car technology and solar/wind power sooner. Fucking hippies. With suddenly racheted up global temperatures the polar ice caps seem to have gone and melted. And now wouldn't you know it, the Dakotas are under a hundred feet of sea water. Kind of crappy, because A) I hate seafood and B) I get seasick. But thems the digs when you mess with mother nature. Hell, If Kevin Costner can deal with it and grow a set of gills to boot, how hard can it be?
Alien Invasion - So, after decades of searching and wondering, we've finally made contact with ET. They crossed the vast light years through the emptiness of space to make contact with our puny species. Then, after we've clearly trashed our planet worse than a rockstar in a cheap hotel room in Cleveland after a lousy gig. The dicks. Well, we've either been annihilated or rounded up and sold into slavery. Whichever, yours truly has dibs on leading the resistance. Hail to the king baby.
Resource Wars - Imagine battling it out with roving gangs of bikers for just a few drops of juice. I know, that was the plot of Mad Max, but hell who can resist? Especially with ever rising gas-prices? Hell, we might be down to bicycles and our own feet. With the smart ones getting high-tech equine burden systems - Horses.
Nuclear exchange - This one isn't that difficult to imagine is it? I mean it's right out of the nightmares of anyone who grew up in the 50s. 60s. 70s. And 80s. Two nuclear powers decide to slug it out with doomsday devices that would give the Perilous Dr. Frakktacular a joygasm just to see in a catalog. Cities disappear in great balls of nuclear fire, shaking our nerves and rattling our brains. A race of intelligent mutant frogs take over the wastelands, and the remnants of the cities are held by vicious gangs who have a strange tendency to throw together their uniforms out of what-ever strange cast-offs that come into their hands. Really, they look like punk hookers who frequent the dumpster behind the Goodwill, but don't tell them that, all the fall out leaves them feeling a mite delicate.
Next time? Skill numero Uno.
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