Number 1, Cardio. No wait, that was Zombieland. Cardio, the ability to run for distances and keep running without feinting from exertion is a good skill to have in everyday life. Sadly, I don't really run anymore, and haven't much since high school. I walk briskly instead. And then I take a nap. Maybe a nap before hand too. But cardio is a good asset. Good, but not fantastic. Besides, it's virtues have been covered in full elsewhere.
Actually first on the list, and last that I'll probably get to, is Parkour(Daddy's lazy). Also known as free running. Parkour combines feats requiring upper and lower body strength as the adherent is expected to quickly and easily tackle any obstacles that might leap up into their paths. In the words of Teddy http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifRoosevelt, Over, under, or through - but never around. The exercise not only improves strength and general fitness and endurance, but it also sharpens the mind as the athlete is forced to make decisions on their feet while running towards an abyss.
Parkour been everywhere these last few years, because it is hella-impressive to a nation of couch-potatoes. You recall the opening sequence to the Casino Royale remake with Danial Craig? Damn right you do. Where they were running and climbing all over and through that building site? Parkour baby.
For those of you who haven't seen Parkour, and those who have and want to see some more, here is a taste. Pretty damn cool huh? Did you see how he SpiderManned that building? All to that crazy French rap music? Insane! Tell me that skill wouldn't come in handy. The problem is, that dude is in hella-good shape. My muscles are sore from just watching.
But now you see my problem. I'm a fat, lazy American, and mastering the art of Parkour would require a lot of breathing hard and sweating. And not the good kind (read masturbation – Another important skill for the apocalypse – But you won't be seeing it here, since I'm already pretty damn good at it – you're shocked I see. But really, no need to worry about that at all. In fact, if you have a group of survivors sadly lacking that skill-set, feel free to send them my way, I'd love to turn that passion into full time work. No, I don't do videos). So, hand me that big mac and give me a tv guide. Lemme invest in a jet-powered segway instead. Walking and climbing are for chumps.
Zombies – Anything that allows you to avoid the hordes of the walking dead is definitely a skill worth having. Parkour would be immensely helpful in a zombie uprising, no matter what type of zombies the director decided to throw at you. Slow or fast. It seems to be generally established that Zombies can't climb. They suck like that. Eat brains, sure, but you can outwit them with the same tactics that you might use to thwart those lazy bastards who sit around in those chair-dealies with the big wheels. So, you were in town looking for your high school sweetheart who you just began talking to again a couple weeks before. You get your dumb ass cornered by a pack of zombies. Slowly they shuffle forward, stretching their hands out to take hold of your precious, tasty flesh. When all of a sudden you bust a move and back-flip up a five story wall to the roof. Boom, you're out of range. Just don't get too cocky, since 95% of the world's population has been converted to hungry corpses. 5/5
Global Warming – You're on a boat. On a boat. Look at you, you're on a mother fucking boat. Parkour is a lot less impressive when there aren't any huge buildings to scale. Sure, you might be able to climb the mast a couple times here and there. Sure, there would be buildings in most of the world's major cities that would jut from the surface of the ocean. Being able to climb those buildings in a dramatic way conceivably might come in handy. If you were dumb enough to approach. I have to imagine that the currents around the pillars would be treacherous at best. Really, what sort of loot is there in a office building that might be that valuable to boat dwellers? The copier/fax machine in Ted's office? Shah. 1/5.
Alien invasion – I'm at a loss for this one. Have the cities been turned into pools of slag? Do you want to do anything flashy, like a leap turned backwards somersault off of a roof onto the lawn below? Sure, parkour might be useful when you're being chased down by an extermination squad. At least at first. But I'm pretty sure those bastards have mastered the art of powered flight. I mean, they got here after all didn't they? Best to just keep your head down and learn to sneak around and hide. 2/5
Resource Wars – In a world without a lot of automobiles on the street, being fast on your feet will always be an advantage. The rules are about the same as the zombie uprising, though with fewer cannibalistic walking corpses and more hard-core gay leather bondage gangs roaming the land. Is that a win? I guess if you're into the gay BDSM scene. Personally? I'm going to start doing more pull-ups and maybe take up jogging. Feeling the wrath of Spike's riding crop is about as appealing as getting bitten by a staggerer. Less so, since I imagine that any effective lubricants will have become as scarce as gasoline not long into the collapse. This sucks. Why can't we have a Hooters Girls apocalypse? 5/5
Nuclear Exchange – Picture this. There's a big bright flash. The world burns. Cities are in ruins. You're scavenging in the bones of New York after the dust settles when you happen across a gang of radiated dwarfs. They see you, and give chase, and suddenly it looks like that scene from Jackass 2. Except they're dressed like clowns and carrying knives. Not to mention their intent to rape all of your holes and then eat your flesh. They have you cornered on the roof, as more and more of the gang creeps out of vents and holes. Radioactive Midget Clowns, they're everywhere, can't stand them. Think of how it would torque those little buggers if you took a flying leap, flipped, landed on a roof fifteen feet and rolled to relative safety? The only downside here is that you'd have to goto one of those dwarf-gang-infested, radioactive cities to show off your mad moves. Offer null and void if the glowing midget clowns have giant rats for steeds. Then you're fucked. Sure, parkour will come in handy in urban settings. But urban settings, though likely sources of supplies, will be prime targets for nuclear bombs, thus they'll still be glowing for sometime after the flash. 4/5
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