It's been a while since I've done one of these. A pity, they can be so much fun to write. I hope you folks enjoy reading them as much.
Navigation. The ability to plot a course and get from point A to point B. This has become a lost art over the last few years with the rise of GPS devices. Reading a map? Who does that any more? Now you have the nice friendly voice that comes out of the little glowy box to tell you that you need to take the next exit and turn left. GPS is the equivalent of using a calculator to do simple math problems, it makes the job easier but it also tends to rot* your brain.
It is highly probable, that after the end, you might wish to get out and travel the world. Maybe as a tourist to see the wrecked monuments of our civilization's failed past. Or perhaps you just want to leave your old and difficult life behind by finding the hidden paradise that is Lost Vegas. Plenty of Food! Booze! And hot cocktail waitresses! And not a flesh-eating mutant in sight! All with entertaining shows by today's headliners? What's not to want?
I don't know the specifics of the GPS grid. Though I did read a while back that our GPS satellites are beginning to fail. This being said, I don't know how much interaction with the ground control that they require to continue to function properly. I would guess that the satellites are all rather autonomous with all the hardware that they need built right in. But I cannot say for sure.
Anyhow, the grid was only built to last for 20 or 30 years survival in the harsh environment that is space. We have not begun to replace the aging grid. We're closing on the minimum number of points necessary to keep the system going. And unless the government or industry gets off it's ass soon, we're borked. (Don't worry, Europe or China will probably step up as we - the USA- sink into obscurity).
Fun times.
Then comes the 'Pocalypse!
I'm going to assume that even if the world shattering event, the majority of road signs will have survived. After all, the ex-college students will have more important things too fill their time than collecting that super sweet stop sign for their lair. With a map and road signs, getting to where you want to go, technically, is a snap. Sure you might run into some romantic biker gangs with a little sweet old fashioned rape on their minds. And the cities are probably all infested with flesh-eating zombies. But hey, that's the price you pay for convenience.
Don't want to get your holes violated and, if you're lucky**, left for dead on the side of the road? Well, cross-country travel it is. Which is slightly trickier, but I can see that it doesn't bother you!
Human beings have been navigating the world for nearly a thousand years using simple tools such as the compass. The Empires of Europe managed to learn how to cross huge stretches of empty and desolate ocean using a clock, a compass and a sextant. The ocean all looks the same, and landmarks are few and far between – and yet people can accurately
Of course this requires a decent map as well as the other tools. You also need to know the difference between longitude and latitude on the grid. Don't know them? Well honestly, neither do I. Even after taking several geography classes I still can't keep them straight. But I'm easily confused. Just look at the Stalagmite-Stalactite, Gary Buesy-Nick Nolte, Butter-I Can't Believe It's Not Butter – conundrums. Which one's which? I don't know.
Longitude – East or West. The harder of the two to pin down. It wasn't until a highly complex watch/clock was invented that determining latitude accurately was possible. On board ship, one clock was used to keep track of time back on the Prime Meridian, and the other clock is set to local time – which itself is ascertained by carefully monitoring the path of the sun. Time zones are important here. You compare noon in your current location to what your London clock says, calculate the difference in hours and minutes and you have your general location compared to London. Just make absolutely sure that first clock is always accurate, or you'll be lost.
Latitude – North or South. Rather the north and south lines from the Equator – which represents 0 degrees. They go up to 90 at the Poles. Fairly easy to ascertain by calculating the angle of the sun. Well, not easy, but possible to do on the fly. Combine A and B, and you can find position on any point in the world. No GPS.
With over-land travel, you'll hopefully have a vague series of landmarks, like cities and roads. Even if you avoid direct contact with the roads and their rape-minded cannibalistic citizens, you'll still be able to see them from afar and thus get your bearings. With those landmarks, a compass and an atlas, you should be golden.
This is of course assuming that the world hasn't been consumed in a nuclear fire. Or covered in ten feet of volcanic ash. Or... Well if that's the case, fuck traveling and just stay home in your bunker. I think next time we'll discuss putting together a kick ass harem for the purposes of repopulating*** the world.
* Perhaps Atrophy is better than Rot here – you stop using your brain and the skills that you need to perform these tasks. This leads to you getting 'rusty'
** The unlucky ones are kept by the rape gangs for long term fun.
*** Woohoo Sex!
Showing posts with label sailing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sailing. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Sailing for adventure on the big blue wet thing.
I have a distinct feeling that the sea and I are mutually exclusive. I've avoided it to date as I fear that I am prone to seasickness. Mind, I don't know for certain, I'm just afraid that this will be the case. Can you imagine being stuck on a boat for hours upon hours trying to fight back the overwhelming urge to puke? Yeah, that's what keeps me away. There was this one time that I visited Cedar Point in Ohio. I was able to ride a single rollercoaster. I was fine up to and after that point. Then I had a hot dog. Spent the rest of the day with waves of nausea rolling over me.
It was a shitty experience.
I knew I should have skipped the hot dog.
would honestly like to explore the world and see it from the seas. To have that mobile house and putter about at my own leisure. Unless I somehow become one of Fortune's Favorites, I doubt that this dream will be made a reality.
Anyhow. Sailing. My primary escape plan for many apocalyptic scenarios is to flee to the embrace of the sea. Zombies. Nuclear war. Radioactive Zombie invasion. Global Warming. Run out of Fossil fuels. Whatever happens, there are a wide range of situations that would see me glad to get the hell out of dodge aboard a sailboat.
Why a sail boat? Think of it, unless the sun stops shining, there will always be wind power. Today might be calm, and tomorrow. But sooner or later the wind will pick back up. The same goes for the use of wind turbines for electricity. The wind will Always be there. So it makes sense to harness it for every applicable use. Sailing especially.
I've always had that part of my mind that is concerned with resources. Fuel. Ammo. The ability to obtain more and keep going. Eventually, after a collapse of our civilization and the industrial knowhow that it represents, human society is going to run out of the liquid fuels.
The wind is free source of energy. The sun heats the atmosphere and causes the air to move and circulate. Though wind does lack the overall reliability of say gasoline. Nor is it as straight forward, as a boat is forced to tack back and forth to travel against the wind. But the allure of wind, well has already been stated. In the long run fuel will be just one less thing to worry about. Up sail and go.
Have I won you over yet? Doesn't matter, here I go.
Now, the unlimited free fuel that the wind represents is fantastic. Humans have been using it to power their vessels for thousands of years, and in the mean time have been able to stretch out and explore the entire globe. Early on, we were forced to either go whichever direction the wind was blowing, or to labor heavily with the oars. This was how the Viking Longboats worked. Can you imagine fighting against a storm in an ancient wooden ship by pulling at the oars until you collapsed? Yeah, our ancestors were bad-assed.
Eventually navel powers developed the triangular sail, which allows a boat to sail into the wind at a 45 degree angle. Ie, if the wind is coming out of the north, you can tack back and forth between a northwest and northeast heading in order to get to your destination due north of your location. Depending on the distance, and other circumstance this maneuver may take several executions before you arrive safely.
Getting it to work well is probably a science and an art.
So, zig-zagging back and forth makes travel more difficult, as you can imagine. You've just increased the length of the trip, and there's a better chance that you'll run into obstacles along the way.
Many sailboats, both ancient and modern come with a variety of differently shaped sails, which are used for different purposes in the course of a voyage. I have no idea how they work. But I'm trying to learn. Honestly, how am I doing so far? I bought the book Sailing for Dummies and read part of it. Fascinating stuff. Easy to read. But I'd need to get some hands on experience before I was able to digest all of the information and fully Grok it.
When the Zombie Apocalypse arrives, I'm getting myself a boat. Zombies can't swim.
It was a shitty experience.
I knew I should have skipped the hot dog.
would honestly like to explore the world and see it from the seas. To have that mobile house and putter about at my own leisure. Unless I somehow become one of Fortune's Favorites, I doubt that this dream will be made a reality.
Anyhow. Sailing. My primary escape plan for many apocalyptic scenarios is to flee to the embrace of the sea. Zombies. Nuclear war. Radioactive Zombie invasion. Global Warming. Run out of Fossil fuels. Whatever happens, there are a wide range of situations that would see me glad to get the hell out of dodge aboard a sailboat.
Why a sail boat? Think of it, unless the sun stops shining, there will always be wind power. Today might be calm, and tomorrow. But sooner or later the wind will pick back up. The same goes for the use of wind turbines for electricity. The wind will Always be there. So it makes sense to harness it for every applicable use. Sailing especially.
I've always had that part of my mind that is concerned with resources. Fuel. Ammo. The ability to obtain more and keep going. Eventually, after a collapse of our civilization and the industrial knowhow that it represents, human society is going to run out of the liquid fuels.
The wind is free source of energy. The sun heats the atmosphere and causes the air to move and circulate. Though wind does lack the overall reliability of say gasoline. Nor is it as straight forward, as a boat is forced to tack back and forth to travel against the wind. But the allure of wind, well has already been stated. In the long run fuel will be just one less thing to worry about. Up sail and go.
Have I won you over yet? Doesn't matter, here I go.
Now, the unlimited free fuel that the wind represents is fantastic. Humans have been using it to power their vessels for thousands of years, and in the mean time have been able to stretch out and explore the entire globe. Early on, we were forced to either go whichever direction the wind was blowing, or to labor heavily with the oars. This was how the Viking Longboats worked. Can you imagine fighting against a storm in an ancient wooden ship by pulling at the oars until you collapsed? Yeah, our ancestors were bad-assed.
Eventually navel powers developed the triangular sail, which allows a boat to sail into the wind at a 45 degree angle. Ie, if the wind is coming out of the north, you can tack back and forth between a northwest and northeast heading in order to get to your destination due north of your location. Depending on the distance, and other circumstance this maneuver may take several executions before you arrive safely.
Getting it to work well is probably a science and an art.
So, zig-zagging back and forth makes travel more difficult, as you can imagine. You've just increased the length of the trip, and there's a better chance that you'll run into obstacles along the way.
Many sailboats, both ancient and modern come with a variety of differently shaped sails, which are used for different purposes in the course of a voyage. I have no idea how they work. But I'm trying to learn. Honestly, how am I doing so far? I bought the book Sailing for Dummies and read part of it. Fascinating stuff. Easy to read. But I'd need to get some hands on experience before I was able to digest all of the information and fully Grok it.
When the Zombie Apocalypse arrives, I'm getting myself a boat. Zombies can't swim.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Their arrows shall block out the sun.
The English Longbow is one of Medieval Europe's most deadly weapons. The powerful bow, in the hands of a skilled archer, could launch an arrow hundreds of feet across a battlefield, and then punch through steel plate armor when it fell back to Earth, sending on even the most powerful knight to push up the daisies. The English would rain thousands of arrows down on the heads of their enemies. All until the French finally wised up and stayed inside of their castles and the longbow was superseded by firearms.
Ben Franklin wanted to use massed bows against the English during the Revolution, in place of expensive Muskets and the hard to acquire gun powder. The American Continent had tons of trees, so why not make powerful bows out of them and wipe out the English with their own ancient weapons?
Good question Ben. The answer? Well, Archery isn't an easy skill to master. With firearms such as the muskets of the period, all one would really need to do was to point a loaded weapon in the general direction of the enemy and pull the trigger. Range and accuracy were both dismal, but it was a weapon that was easy to learn to operate, especially when battles were fought with large blocks of soldiers just hammering away at one another.
By comparison to become proficient with the English longbow takes years of careful training.. Years, maybe even decades to master. The English Peasants were required by law to start their training in childhood and practice weekly as required by law. The longbow was the weapon of farmers and other peasants. Men who built up enormous physical strength to draw back the string, not just once but dozens of times over the course of a battle.
I've tried shooting a bow a couple times. And to use an old saw, if it weren't for gravity, I wouldn't be able to hit the ground. Yeah, it isn't nearly as easy as it looks. Pull back string, hit target. Try this, pull back string, drop arrow, curse, pick up arrow, put arrow back on string, drop again. Repeat. Finally, pull back string, release, miss target, lose arrow. Swallow rage. Go back inside and drink.
It's a fun sport I tells ya.
Why bother with a bow then? When it requires all that work? When there are firearms just lying about? Ever try and make a single round of ammunition for that 12 gauge shotgun? Huh? Now that takes know-how. A combination of chemistry and mechanics and metallurgy. Most human cultures were able to tie some rope to a branch and create a working bow and arrow system. How many of them went on to manufacture Repeater rifles?
Here's a great primer on what you need to make a bow using a sapling. Though it does
Global Warming: Man, I just don't have a positive view of humanity, must be, since most of my reasons for picking up these skills are martial in nature. Well, getting your hands on a lithe young sapling to create a bow might be difficult at best. Don't get me started on the arrows. But bows can be made out of other substances besides wood. Bone and sinew from animals were used to make wonderfully powerful bows in the early days of civilization. Anyhow, why use one? Well, ever heard of the phrase “Slower than wet gun-powder”? Yeah, guns, and all of their components don't respond well to moisture. Moisture of which the sea is largely comprised. Then again, neither do bows or their strings. Damn it, you might want to just go Medieval and stick with swords. But swords will rust. Fuck you nature!
Alien invasion: Oh yeah. Bows against blasters. A cage fight between the most primitive weapons known to mankind, and the most advanced. Those slags and chigs don't stand a chance. Especially if someone remembers to bring along their copy of Poor Man's James Bond to the party. Specifically that section about making exploding arrow heads. Picture it, a beefy sweaty dude with a speech impediment and a severe case of PTSD, running through the woods 'sploding skin-jobs with his wacky bag of arrow grenades. All of our movies have taught us one thing, a lone ex-special forces maniac running through the woods half-naked and with the simplest weapons can take down the most bad-assed of foes. Worked in the Rambo movies. And in Predator, you can't forget Predator, in fact, Predator proved that we need to abandon all of our hifalutin tech for mud and spears. LONG LIVE ARCHERY! DOWN WITH THE SPLOOGIES! 4/5
I don't feel the need to expand further. I don't think that there's anywhere else to go. After civilization collapses we'll regress a bit, and firearms will become largely worthless. But that's ok, because exploding arrows are easy to make! Rambo was right on the awesomeness of using a bow. As a whole the weapon is nearly silent compared to an off the shelf model of any firearm.
< scenario >
He heard the roar of the motorcycles long before you catch that glint of sun on the chrome of the leader's gas-tank. Ten, twenty, thirty. More. Roll into the little village that you made your home after weeks of wandering. Empty and safe, but most importantly there were no memories there. Just a blank slate. One helped by the well stocked saloon where you finally made your residence.
All that changed as the gang of hyenas tore into your territory, their weapons speaking with thunder as they smashed windows and ransacked the stores along main street. The noise. They each and every man, and most of the women, were armed. With bellows of laughter they stripped the furniture shop of anything that would burn and piled their booty into a hill in the middle of the street. Smoke and a red glow greeted the stars as the twilight gave way to full night.
Fire was their god. And they worshiped the flames with drunken revelry that would make Pan himself blush and turn his head in disgust. And worse. Not all of the figures below were members of the gang. Some were being dragged off into the shadows that flickered and danced at the edge of the fire's glow. Most seemed too shocked to resist.
He grit his teeth as his hand reached for his bow. Two full quivers. He needed to make every single shaft count.
< /scenario >
And, if you manage to take down a whole effin roving biker gang, one that's armed with machine guns, using just your bow - well that just elevates you to a whole new level of badassery. One inhabited by the likes of Godzilla, Bruce Lee and Superman.
Ben Franklin wanted to use massed bows against the English during the Revolution, in place of expensive Muskets and the hard to acquire gun powder. The American Continent had tons of trees, so why not make powerful bows out of them and wipe out the English with their own ancient weapons?
Good question Ben. The answer? Well, Archery isn't an easy skill to master. With firearms such as the muskets of the period, all one would really need to do was to point a loaded weapon in the general direction of the enemy and pull the trigger. Range and accuracy were both dismal, but it was a weapon that was easy to learn to operate, especially when battles were fought with large blocks of soldiers just hammering away at one another.
By comparison to become proficient with the English longbow takes years of careful training.. Years, maybe even decades to master. The English Peasants were required by law to start their training in childhood and practice weekly as required by law. The longbow was the weapon of farmers and other peasants. Men who built up enormous physical strength to draw back the string, not just once but dozens of times over the course of a battle.
I've tried shooting a bow a couple times. And to use an old saw, if it weren't for gravity, I wouldn't be able to hit the ground. Yeah, it isn't nearly as easy as it looks. Pull back string, hit target. Try this, pull back string, drop arrow, curse, pick up arrow, put arrow back on string, drop again. Repeat. Finally, pull back string, release, miss target, lose arrow. Swallow rage. Go back inside and drink.
It's a fun sport I tells ya.
Why bother with a bow then? When it requires all that work? When there are firearms just lying about? Ever try and make a single round of ammunition for that 12 gauge shotgun? Huh? Now that takes know-how. A combination of chemistry and mechanics and metallurgy. Most human cultures were able to tie some rope to a branch and create a working bow and arrow system. How many of them went on to manufacture Repeater rifles?
Here's a great primer on what you need to make a bow using a sapling. Though it does
Global Warming: Man, I just don't have a positive view of humanity, must be, since most of my reasons for picking up these skills are martial in nature. Well, getting your hands on a lithe young sapling to create a bow might be difficult at best. Don't get me started on the arrows. But bows can be made out of other substances besides wood. Bone and sinew from animals were used to make wonderfully powerful bows in the early days of civilization. Anyhow, why use one? Well, ever heard of the phrase “Slower than wet gun-powder”? Yeah, guns, and all of their components don't respond well to moisture. Moisture of which the sea is largely comprised. Then again, neither do bows or their strings. Damn it, you might want to just go Medieval and stick with swords. But swords will rust. Fuck you nature!
Alien invasion: Oh yeah. Bows against blasters. A cage fight between the most primitive weapons known to mankind, and the most advanced. Those slags and chigs don't stand a chance. Especially if someone remembers to bring along their copy of Poor Man's James Bond to the party. Specifically that section about making exploding arrow heads. Picture it, a beefy sweaty dude with a speech impediment and a severe case of PTSD, running through the woods 'sploding skin-jobs with his wacky bag of arrow grenades. All of our movies have taught us one thing, a lone ex-special forces maniac running through the woods half-naked and with the simplest weapons can take down the most bad-assed of foes. Worked in the Rambo movies. And in Predator, you can't forget Predator, in fact, Predator proved that we need to abandon all of our hifalutin tech for mud and spears. LONG LIVE ARCHERY! DOWN WITH THE SPLOOGIES! 4/5
I don't feel the need to expand further. I don't think that there's anywhere else to go. After civilization collapses we'll regress a bit, and firearms will become largely worthless. But that's ok, because exploding arrows are easy to make! Rambo was right on the awesomeness of using a bow. As a whole the weapon is nearly silent compared to an off the shelf model of any firearm.
< scenario >
He heard the roar of the motorcycles long before you catch that glint of sun on the chrome of the leader's gas-tank. Ten, twenty, thirty. More. Roll into the little village that you made your home after weeks of wandering. Empty and safe, but most importantly there were no memories there. Just a blank slate. One helped by the well stocked saloon where you finally made your residence.
All that changed as the gang of hyenas tore into your territory, their weapons speaking with thunder as they smashed windows and ransacked the stores along main street. The noise. They each and every man, and most of the women, were armed. With bellows of laughter they stripped the furniture shop of anything that would burn and piled their booty into a hill in the middle of the street. Smoke and a red glow greeted the stars as the twilight gave way to full night.
Fire was their god. And they worshiped the flames with drunken revelry that would make Pan himself blush and turn his head in disgust. And worse. Not all of the figures below were members of the gang. Some were being dragged off into the shadows that flickered and danced at the edge of the fire's glow. Most seemed too shocked to resist.
He grit his teeth as his hand reached for his bow. Two full quivers. He needed to make every single shaft count.
< /scenario >
And, if you manage to take down a whole effin roving biker gang, one that's armed with machine guns, using just your bow - well that just elevates you to a whole new level of badassery. One inhabited by the likes of Godzilla, Bruce Lee and Superman.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Just a little list - Because I felt lazy.
Possessions and tools are important to our species. They're what gave us our edge and allowed us to prosper and thrive as we have, and then take over the world like a virus only to destroy ourselves. Oh, what were we thinking? Damn that ancient chimp who first sharpened a stick and made a spear and then led us here to our destruction.
Really though, a good kit will conducive to living a long life. Knowing how to fix that badass Porche Boxter you found in that garage is absolutely useless without the proper tools and replacement parts. Sure, in some situations you might be able to swing it running about empty handed and completely nude in certain situations, for a little while at least. The rest of us are going to want a full pack.
Not counting such things as food and spare clothing and other personal nick-knacks, Here are some useful odds and ends to consider:
Weapon:Firearm – I opt for the 12 gauge shotgun(pump-action). Despite Max Brooks well argued account for the M1Carbine. Sure, it is a bit big and bulky and awkward on a long march. The 12 gauge holds some major advantages though. As a weapon and a tool it can be used both for self-defense and survival. 1) They're common. Painfully so. Easy to find and replace. 2) Walmart, and many other stores across the nation carry boxes upon boxes of shells. Chalk this up to number 1, they're common. 3) With the option of Buckshot, birdshot and solid slugs the 12 gauge is a versatile and solid weapon/tool. 4). Should you run out of ammunition, it makes a good club. 5) They're simple mechanically, thus less prone to failure. And easy to operate. 6) They make that really sweet clicking sound as you cycle shells and a pair of crossed bandelaros are hella-impressive. Click-Click Boom.
Weapon: Melee - Sooooo many choices. Makes us drool Prethouth! Swords, axes, boards with nails in them. Rocks and pointed sticks. Mannequin arms, brass knuckles, a wet towel, gnomechucks. The list is endless, but let us contemplate its vastness. Which implement of destruction one opts to carry is a highly personal choice, and important as the Shotgun (or your firearm of choice) wasn't meant to use as a club for an extended duration. For the Zombie Uprising I favor the warhammer. Global Warming calls for a samurai sword (instills a huge psychological power against pirates). As for the rest, whatever I can lay my hands on. Like a nice baseball bat with a couple nails run through it.
Transportation – The most obvious choice would be your feet. Free, lightweight and attached to your legs so that you're not too likely to misplace them. You can take them anywhere over any terrain, and they are equally good in the water or on dry land. They're just not too fast, relatively speaking, and prone to getting tired and sore. Especially when all your worldly possessions are riding them all day every day. As with the weapons category there are a wide variety of options to choose from. An automobile is not only fast (on roads and flat terrain) but also provides protection from the elements, storage for your material goods, and cover to hide behind in a gunfight. The downside is that the beast is difficult to maintain, and ever hungry for gasoline. Also don't forget the complete lack of stealth that you and your Ford Pinto will enjoy on the empty streets of the world. Everyone is going to see and hear you coming from miles off. If you need to duck inside a building to avoid pursuit, you're going to have to leave the car behind. Which is like hanging a sign on the door to point the way.
Next, a nice horse. Feeds itself. Fast, hardy. Positive long term working relationship with humanity. In a horse you have a friend and companion for life. They're a lot more mobile than automobiles only need grass and oats to survive. Problem here is that they're big, and loud, and need specialized services to keep them alive and healthy.
If you want to split the difference, there's a motorcycle. They're fast, and nimble, but won't protect you from the elements or carry a lot of goods. If it breaks down, then no emotional attachment, but they're loud as hell.
Finally, we have Max Brooks' suggestion, a bicycle. One of those two wheel jobs that many people learn to ride as kids. In fact, in America at least, the bicycle is the primary mode of youth transportation up until the age of 16 when one achieves that benchmark year and wins their drivers license. Faster than walking, the bike is 100% human powered (unless you're lucky enough to get a moped). No need to find gas or fodder. The mechanics are simple and parts are easy to find and replace. If you need to hide, you can usually pick up the bike and take it with you, no problem. A bicycle will increase your speed and range and the amount of gear that you can carry. Just mind those steep hills, they're a real bugger.
This of course only scratches the surface of terrestrial vehicles and completely ignores the sea and sky. For those, you're on your own.
Outerwear – Leather. Gotta be. Not only is it stylish, and on the right body - down right sexy, but the human jaw is completely incapable of breaking through it. Plus leather will protect you from knife-wounds and the occasional spill from a motorcycle. As well as the elements in general. 4 out of 5 Pocalyptic survivors agree, wrapping yourself in cow-skin is the way to go.
Canteen – Here's what the people who move to the South West don't seem to comprehend. You can live for weeks without food. Sure, life will suck and you'll slowly loose strength and your health will begin to fail. But you can keep going. How long can you live without taking in more water? Maybe three or four days. Less if the weather is hot/dry or you're working up a sweat. Besides, in our modern age, many of our natural water sources are polluted. After years of water treatment plants cleaning our drinking water, and the FDA keeping bacteria out of our food, and soap killing the bacteria on our skin, we've lost our ability to fight off infections and what-not. Even if all the industrial pollutants were cleaned out of our water supplies, there is always some really nasty bugs out there waiting in the shallows to bite. So, when you find a nice source of clean safe drinking water – fill'er up.
Rope – I think I've made my feelings on the awesomeness of rope perfectly clear. Don't leave home without it. Hell, it can be combined with numerous items on the list to make them even better. How? Well just ask the dude wielding the shotgun-chucks.
Source of Fire – Fire. The orange flower of life. The chemical combustion of a fuel combined with air that gives off heat and light. Heat and light. Both are useful. Fire has all sorts of fabulous applications, from keeping back the darkness, to making food and water safe for consumption (not to mention more appealing to our pallets), to consuming the corpses of the dead (Zombies I am told are very flammable). We've been using fire as a servant for thousands of years. Sure, sometimes it rebels and consumes us in our arrogance, and our greatest works, but slaves will do that when you get too comfortable around them (Beware the Bovine Uprising – we're all doomed).
And Last of all: A Backpack – You only have two hands. Count em. Except you Captain Hook. Sorry. Good luck cramming the above into it.
Got all of that?
I do take donations.
Really though, a good kit will conducive to living a long life. Knowing how to fix that badass Porche Boxter you found in that garage is absolutely useless without the proper tools and replacement parts. Sure, in some situations you might be able to swing it running about empty handed and completely nude in certain situations, for a little while at least. The rest of us are going to want a full pack.
Not counting such things as food and spare clothing and other personal nick-knacks, Here are some useful odds and ends to consider:
Weapon:Firearm – I opt for the 12 gauge shotgun(pump-action). Despite Max Brooks well argued account for the M1Carbine. Sure, it is a bit big and bulky and awkward on a long march. The 12 gauge holds some major advantages though. As a weapon and a tool it can be used both for self-defense and survival. 1) They're common. Painfully so. Easy to find and replace. 2) Walmart, and many other stores across the nation carry boxes upon boxes of shells. Chalk this up to number 1, they're common. 3) With the option of Buckshot, birdshot and solid slugs the 12 gauge is a versatile and solid weapon/tool. 4). Should you run out of ammunition, it makes a good club. 5) They're simple mechanically, thus less prone to failure. And easy to operate. 6) They make that really sweet clicking sound as you cycle shells and a pair of crossed bandelaros are hella-impressive. Click-Click Boom.
Weapon: Melee - Sooooo many choices. Makes us drool Prethouth! Swords, axes, boards with nails in them. Rocks and pointed sticks. Mannequin arms, brass knuckles, a wet towel, gnomechucks. The list is endless, but let us contemplate its vastness. Which implement of destruction one opts to carry is a highly personal choice, and important as the Shotgun (or your firearm of choice) wasn't meant to use as a club for an extended duration. For the Zombie Uprising I favor the warhammer. Global Warming calls for a samurai sword (instills a huge psychological power against pirates). As for the rest, whatever I can lay my hands on. Like a nice baseball bat with a couple nails run through it.
Transportation – The most obvious choice would be your feet. Free, lightweight and attached to your legs so that you're not too likely to misplace them. You can take them anywhere over any terrain, and they are equally good in the water or on dry land. They're just not too fast, relatively speaking, and prone to getting tired and sore. Especially when all your worldly possessions are riding them all day every day. As with the weapons category there are a wide variety of options to choose from. An automobile is not only fast (on roads and flat terrain) but also provides protection from the elements, storage for your material goods, and cover to hide behind in a gunfight. The downside is that the beast is difficult to maintain, and ever hungry for gasoline. Also don't forget the complete lack of stealth that you and your Ford Pinto will enjoy on the empty streets of the world. Everyone is going to see and hear you coming from miles off. If you need to duck inside a building to avoid pursuit, you're going to have to leave the car behind. Which is like hanging a sign on the door to point the way.
Next, a nice horse. Feeds itself. Fast, hardy. Positive long term working relationship with humanity. In a horse you have a friend and companion for life. They're a lot more mobile than automobiles only need grass and oats to survive. Problem here is that they're big, and loud, and need specialized services to keep them alive and healthy.
If you want to split the difference, there's a motorcycle. They're fast, and nimble, but won't protect you from the elements or carry a lot of goods. If it breaks down, then no emotional attachment, but they're loud as hell.
Finally, we have Max Brooks' suggestion, a bicycle. One of those two wheel jobs that many people learn to ride as kids. In fact, in America at least, the bicycle is the primary mode of youth transportation up until the age of 16 when one achieves that benchmark year and wins their drivers license. Faster than walking, the bike is 100% human powered (unless you're lucky enough to get a moped). No need to find gas or fodder. The mechanics are simple and parts are easy to find and replace. If you need to hide, you can usually pick up the bike and take it with you, no problem. A bicycle will increase your speed and range and the amount of gear that you can carry. Just mind those steep hills, they're a real bugger.
This of course only scratches the surface of terrestrial vehicles and completely ignores the sea and sky. For those, you're on your own.
Outerwear – Leather. Gotta be. Not only is it stylish, and on the right body - down right sexy, but the human jaw is completely incapable of breaking through it. Plus leather will protect you from knife-wounds and the occasional spill from a motorcycle. As well as the elements in general. 4 out of 5 Pocalyptic survivors agree, wrapping yourself in cow-skin is the way to go.
Canteen – Here's what the people who move to the South West don't seem to comprehend. You can live for weeks without food. Sure, life will suck and you'll slowly loose strength and your health will begin to fail. But you can keep going. How long can you live without taking in more water? Maybe three or four days. Less if the weather is hot/dry or you're working up a sweat. Besides, in our modern age, many of our natural water sources are polluted. After years of water treatment plants cleaning our drinking water, and the FDA keeping bacteria out of our food, and soap killing the bacteria on our skin, we've lost our ability to fight off infections and what-not. Even if all the industrial pollutants were cleaned out of our water supplies, there is always some really nasty bugs out there waiting in the shallows to bite. So, when you find a nice source of clean safe drinking water – fill'er up.
Rope – I think I've made my feelings on the awesomeness of rope perfectly clear. Don't leave home without it. Hell, it can be combined with numerous items on the list to make them even better. How? Well just ask the dude wielding the shotgun-chucks.
Source of Fire – Fire. The orange flower of life. The chemical combustion of a fuel combined with air that gives off heat and light. Heat and light. Both are useful. Fire has all sorts of fabulous applications, from keeping back the darkness, to making food and water safe for consumption (not to mention more appealing to our pallets), to consuming the corpses of the dead (Zombies I am told are very flammable). We've been using fire as a servant for thousands of years. Sure, sometimes it rebels and consumes us in our arrogance, and our greatest works, but slaves will do that when you get too comfortable around them (Beware the Bovine Uprising – we're all doomed).
And Last of all: A Backpack – You only have two hands. Count em. Except you Captain Hook. Sorry. Good luck cramming the above into it.
Got all of that?
I do take donations.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
The masterful art of Weaving.
Here's what you need. About ten thousand little metal rings of the same diameter and a couple pairs of pliers. With that, a lot of time and a truckload of patience, you can make yourself a shirt of maile. I mean a lot of time. A whole shitload of it. We're talking about the following the timeline for monkeys to come down out of the trees and then build starships. Unless you have a lot of superglue and low expectations for quality, we're not talking about a quick process.
Honestly, in terms of materials and tools, a shirt or two might cost you around $50. That's assuming you need to buy the pliers, and wirecutters and steel rod, as well as the wire. Besides the obscene number of hours spent, winding coils, cutting the links and then putting rings into rings, hours that you could more effectively put into a nine to five making money and buying a shirt, making chain is an inexpensive hobby.
Besides, weaving chainmail isn't too difficult to learn. I picked up the basics with the help of tutorials on youtube and other places on the net. The process is slow going, and I've yet to make much of a dent in my major project goal. But I have a couple of snappy sheets of chain cloth to show for it, a handful of necklaces. All sitting around doing nothing. Chainmaile isn't very useful in our modern era. Who knew?
Chainmaile, chain mail, chainmail, maile. However you wish to spell it, is one of the oldest and longest serving forms of metal armor that humans have yet to devise. Made from said steel rings, it protects well against cuts. And that's about all. Someone using say a hammer, or arrows, would effectively transform your expensive armor into a heavy shirt with a narrow list of functions that can be related here: 1) Chafe nipples. That is all.
So why learn such a trade? Well, it may come in handy at some point in the future. Who knows? Armor is always good to have, especially if we're all reduced to using pointed sticks, and maybe swords. A second skin of steel might be all that you have between your soft and supple skin (by the way, what sort of moisturizer do you use? So touchabally soft!) and large gaping wounds in your flesh. And there aren't that many people out there who can make it. So it's time for a little self-reliance, and get the job done right. Or at least get it good enough.
Global Warming – Well, here we go. Wearing tens of pounds of metal while operating on the open ocean. What effin genius came up with this idea? Why not just tie an anchor to your ankle and call it a day? An anchor is a lot cheaper than even a shirt made from chain mail. Wait, there's more! More than a free trip to Davey Jones' locker you say? How can it get better than that? I'll tell you... Honestly, chainmail might be more useful at sea than one expects. Providing that you use the right material. I'm thinking aluminum or Titanium. Preferably the latter. Chainmaile has found a new use in these last few decades in the form of shark proof suits. Full body of suits, made from very tiny rings, that will reduce the chance that a hungry shark walks off with one of your favorite limbs. And no doubt that these very suits will come in quite handy when standing up against invading pirates as they wave their cutlasses about and brandish empty muskets. 4/5
Zombie Uprising – Well, here we have a major up and down side. Zombie use their hands and teeth to do most of their damage. Grab and bite. That is the whole of their tactical bag of tricks. And after a few weeks/months/years of being a walking corpse, zombies will no doubt boast a set of teeth that will make your average meth addict cringe. Having a cloth of steel between your hide and that mouth full of chipped chompers is quite an appealing thought. Until you take into account that a shirt might weigh up to forty pounds. That makes for a long ass hike though the dead infested city streets as you scavenge for food. That'll build stamina, which is good if you manage to keep your strength up for weeks straight as you self-inflict death marches. After all the weeks that it took to make the damn thing in the first place. Until then, you're moving slower and tiring yourself out un-neededly. Finally after weeks of sweating through unbearable heat in your portable oven, summer will fade and winter will return, and your nipples, after having chaffed for months, will learn a new form of torture. Freezing and sticking to your shirt. Fun times. That's why I'm sticking with leather. Sure, I'll look more like the biker from the Village People – can't be helped, but it'll be warmer, and less heavy. 1/5
Nuclear War – I've done a lot of thinking here, and the only practical use that chainmail might have for a wanderer of the thirsty wastelands would be to give their NukePoc wardrobe a little extra pizazz that the other nameless mercenaries and bandits are totally lacking. Leather jackets and football shoulder pads will rule the day, but at the same time become rather cliché. Time to start a whole new trend here...
I can't keep nattering on here. To hell with all the above concerns. I have two words for the lot of you. Chainmail Bikini. 5/5 Recognize.
Go out and weave little monkeys, daddy has a major chicks in chain fetish, and he wants to share it with the rest of the world.
Honestly, in terms of materials and tools, a shirt or two might cost you around $50. That's assuming you need to buy the pliers, and wirecutters and steel rod, as well as the wire. Besides the obscene number of hours spent, winding coils, cutting the links and then putting rings into rings, hours that you could more effectively put into a nine to five making money and buying a shirt, making chain is an inexpensive hobby.
Besides, weaving chainmail isn't too difficult to learn. I picked up the basics with the help of tutorials on youtube and other places on the net. The process is slow going, and I've yet to make much of a dent in my major project goal. But I have a couple of snappy sheets of chain cloth to show for it, a handful of necklaces. All sitting around doing nothing. Chainmaile isn't very useful in our modern era. Who knew?
Chainmaile, chain mail, chainmail, maile. However you wish to spell it, is one of the oldest and longest serving forms of metal armor that humans have yet to devise. Made from said steel rings, it protects well against cuts. And that's about all. Someone using say a hammer, or arrows, would effectively transform your expensive armor into a heavy shirt with a narrow list of functions that can be related here: 1) Chafe nipples. That is all.
So why learn such a trade? Well, it may come in handy at some point in the future. Who knows? Armor is always good to have, especially if we're all reduced to using pointed sticks, and maybe swords. A second skin of steel might be all that you have between your soft and supple skin (by the way, what sort of moisturizer do you use? So touchabally soft!) and large gaping wounds in your flesh. And there aren't that many people out there who can make it. So it's time for a little self-reliance, and get the job done right. Or at least get it good enough.
Global Warming – Well, here we go. Wearing tens of pounds of metal while operating on the open ocean. What effin genius came up with this idea? Why not just tie an anchor to your ankle and call it a day? An anchor is a lot cheaper than even a shirt made from chain mail. Wait, there's more! More than a free trip to Davey Jones' locker you say? How can it get better than that? I'll tell you... Honestly, chainmail might be more useful at sea than one expects. Providing that you use the right material. I'm thinking aluminum or Titanium. Preferably the latter. Chainmaile has found a new use in these last few decades in the form of shark proof suits. Full body of suits, made from very tiny rings, that will reduce the chance that a hungry shark walks off with one of your favorite limbs. And no doubt that these very suits will come in quite handy when standing up against invading pirates as they wave their cutlasses about and brandish empty muskets. 4/5
Zombie Uprising – Well, here we have a major up and down side. Zombie use their hands and teeth to do most of their damage. Grab and bite. That is the whole of their tactical bag of tricks. And after a few weeks/months/years of being a walking corpse, zombies will no doubt boast a set of teeth that will make your average meth addict cringe. Having a cloth of steel between your hide and that mouth full of chipped chompers is quite an appealing thought. Until you take into account that a shirt might weigh up to forty pounds. That makes for a long ass hike though the dead infested city streets as you scavenge for food. That'll build stamina, which is good if you manage to keep your strength up for weeks straight as you self-inflict death marches. After all the weeks that it took to make the damn thing in the first place. Until then, you're moving slower and tiring yourself out un-neededly. Finally after weeks of sweating through unbearable heat in your portable oven, summer will fade and winter will return, and your nipples, after having chaffed for months, will learn a new form of torture. Freezing and sticking to your shirt. Fun times. That's why I'm sticking with leather. Sure, I'll look more like the biker from the Village People – can't be helped, but it'll be warmer, and less heavy. 1/5
Nuclear War – I've done a lot of thinking here, and the only practical use that chainmail might have for a wanderer of the thirsty wastelands would be to give their NukePoc wardrobe a little extra pizazz that the other nameless mercenaries and bandits are totally lacking. Leather jackets and football shoulder pads will rule the day, but at the same time become rather cliché. Time to start a whole new trend here...
I can't keep nattering on here. To hell with all the above concerns. I have two words for the lot of you. Chainmail Bikini. 5/5 Recognize.
Go out and weave little monkeys, daddy has a major chicks in chain fetish, and he wants to share it with the rest of the world.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
It is broken, can you fix it?
Picture this. An automotive garage. The customer is waiting nervously in the corner to hear the bad news. The oil slathered grease-monkey walks over and with a smarmy wink and an appraising glance he says 'well, I've looked it over, and it won't be cheap, but I think we can work something out.' How many porn scenes have been wound around that very scenario? I haven't a clue honestly. But some research might be in order.
As above, here in our safe modern life, even without hordes of zombies and biker gangs prowling the wasteland looting the wreckage of our once proud civilization, an insight into the function of all things machina can keep you from getting screwed. Both literally and figuratively. The glapashozod is slipping and the krozunda-dink is cracked? How much will that cost? A thousand dollars? At least? Gott und Himmel! Really, if you're like most people, you hardly know engine coolant from a bottle of gatorade.
Internal combustion engines are inefficient devices that have been magnificently engineered into a level of complexity that boggles the mind. With most modern engines, there are thousands of parts, and something so small as a loose wire can bring the entire house of cards down. Computers are all but required to diagnose any flitter in the system. Forty years ago, you could tinker with the innards in your own garage and pick up a good working knowledge of the function of the car. Not so anymore. Now you need years of training to master the mechanical arts. What does that mean for the end times and after? Well, nothing good. But hey, you always have your feet.
In the future, after the fall of humanity, not knowing how to repair an engine could pretty much leave you rather fucked. Knowing how to fix engines makes you a valuable commodity and increases your chances of personal survival. Having a break down in the middle of the radioactive desert would be a daunting prospect, especially with the clan of cannibals picking you and your friends off one by one and serving you up for dinner. Mmmm, survivor ka-bobs. Pretty tasty if you don't mind a little fallout.
I won't limit mechanical aptitude to fixing cars. But also smaller engines and generators. But we'll avoid bicycle repair and other awesome feats of engineering and leave them to a later time.
Global Warming – Ideally, when you're living eternally on the ocean and cut off from the niceties of civilization (IE gas stations) you're going to rely on the rather primitive, but efficient and effective wind power. Still, sailboats do have motors on board, both for propulsion and generators for creating electricity. However, there will be a serious lack of petrol stations. Or auto-parts store. Everything will have been consigned to the briny deep. It is conceivable that some genius will set up a floating oil derrick and refinery. But don't count on it. Or ever finding the damn thing if they do. The earth is a big place. If you're lucky and have a purely electrical system, then you've already cut out the need for any/much mechanical know-how. 3/5
Zombie Apocalypse - I don't know how useful automotive mechanics will be in a zombie uprising. The scenarios, mine included, usually leave the roadways clogged with abandoned vehicles as people try to either flee the city, or return for loved ones. Once again, survivors are often walled up in some fortress or another, be it a mall or whatever. Driving isn't usually high on the list, so trying to impress the girls with your precise and methodical skills at wheel realignment will just have to wait. Those who do venture out into the sea of undead have millions of cars to scavenge from, making auto-repair rather unnecessary most of the time. At least in the beginning. Five or ten years down the line, being able to maintain the remnants of the fleet will be a highly valuable skill.
Hey, we'll also need someone who knows how to repair the generators. Cause let's be honest, the zombies aren't going to be working hard keeping the lights on. They're going to be more interested in locating and then eating brains. It's what they do. 4/5
Post Nuclear Wasteland - That's right, the bikers are baring down on you when the car you're riding in breaks down and rolls to a halt. The grungy old dude who took you under your wing curses. The attractive love interest chambers their last bullet as they imagine being hauled away by a dozen burly mutants in leather. You pop the hood, whip out your tool and adjust the cracked krozunda-dink and re-align the glapashozod to get that thing purring like a kitten again, and then haul ass down the highway. Booyeah! 4/5
Resource wars – Ok. There isn't any gasoline. None. At least not for lowlifes like me. The bigwigs and hard working roughnecks might be sitting on oodles of it. But gasoline is rare/non-existent. So knowing how a carburetor works, really rather useless. Like having a Bachelors in the Classics here and now. You'll be living in a box, and I'm not talking one of those fancy refrigerator boxes, no no my friend, you get half a shoe-box. Better look into alternative methods of impressing the ladies. Your job has just gone the way of the Zeppelin Pilot after the Hindenburg Disaster and Beer Social. Maybe you should have gone with that art degree instead chief. Sure, they might create a viable electric car, but that's a whole different beast from the Internal Combustion Engine. And a whole new set of skills. 1/5.
The Alien Invasion – Ok, here's the score, the Zerg invaded our home planet and came from a star-system a hundred or more light years off in deep space. They have anti-gravity devices and particle beam cannons. They can cross hundreds/thousands/millions of lightyears of cold empty vacuum. They swept aside our military with laughable ease. In fact, they're probably still laughing about it all these months later. The Battle of Cleveland? Titter! I don't care how many machine guns you bolt to the top of your mint 1979 VW bug that you rebuilt with your own two hands, they've already won on the technology front. Really, our only hope is that herpes is deadly to them, and that Paris Hilton survived the conflagration that was Hollywood. Being able to rebuild engines, it's a nice hobby here, like stamp-collecting, or putting together jigsaw puzzles, and about as useful. Pointless. All hail the Zerg overlords and their human-being based energy solutions!
On the other hand, when faced with one of the creatures from the Alien franchise, or a whole bad ass colony, being able to repair generators will be mildly helpful. Cause those bugs are smart, and they tend to break anything that might be useful. So you might come in handy until you're face raped and impregnated with a chest burster. 2/5.
Honestly, automotive mechanical skills seem to be most useful in a
As above, here in our safe modern life, even without hordes of zombies and biker gangs prowling the wasteland looting the wreckage of our once proud civilization, an insight into the function of all things machina can keep you from getting screwed. Both literally and figuratively. The glapashozod is slipping and the krozunda-dink is cracked? How much will that cost? A thousand dollars? At least? Gott und Himmel! Really, if you're like most people, you hardly know engine coolant from a bottle of gatorade.
Internal combustion engines are inefficient devices that have been magnificently engineered into a level of complexity that boggles the mind. With most modern engines, there are thousands of parts, and something so small as a loose wire can bring the entire house of cards down. Computers are all but required to diagnose any flitter in the system. Forty years ago, you could tinker with the innards in your own garage and pick up a good working knowledge of the function of the car. Not so anymore. Now you need years of training to master the mechanical arts. What does that mean for the end times and after? Well, nothing good. But hey, you always have your feet.
In the future, after the fall of humanity, not knowing how to repair an engine could pretty much leave you rather fucked. Knowing how to fix engines makes you a valuable commodity and increases your chances of personal survival. Having a break down in the middle of the radioactive desert would be a daunting prospect, especially with the clan of cannibals picking you and your friends off one by one and serving you up for dinner. Mmmm, survivor ka-bobs. Pretty tasty if you don't mind a little fallout.
I won't limit mechanical aptitude to fixing cars. But also smaller engines and generators. But we'll avoid bicycle repair and other awesome feats of engineering and leave them to a later time.
Global Warming – Ideally, when you're living eternally on the ocean and cut off from the niceties of civilization (IE gas stations) you're going to rely on the rather primitive, but efficient and effective wind power. Still, sailboats do have motors on board, both for propulsion and generators for creating electricity. However, there will be a serious lack of petrol stations. Or auto-parts store. Everything will have been consigned to the briny deep. It is conceivable that some genius will set up a floating oil derrick and refinery. But don't count on it. Or ever finding the damn thing if they do. The earth is a big place. If you're lucky and have a purely electrical system, then you've already cut out the need for any/much mechanical know-how. 3/5
Zombie Apocalypse - I don't know how useful automotive mechanics will be in a zombie uprising. The scenarios, mine included, usually leave the roadways clogged with abandoned vehicles as people try to either flee the city, or return for loved ones. Once again, survivors are often walled up in some fortress or another, be it a mall or whatever. Driving isn't usually high on the list, so trying to impress the girls with your precise and methodical skills at wheel realignment will just have to wait. Those who do venture out into the sea of undead have millions of cars to scavenge from, making auto-repair rather unnecessary most of the time. At least in the beginning. Five or ten years down the line, being able to maintain the remnants of the fleet will be a highly valuable skill.
Hey, we'll also need someone who knows how to repair the generators. Cause let's be honest, the zombies aren't going to be working hard keeping the lights on. They're going to be more interested in locating and then eating brains. It's what they do. 4/5
Post Nuclear Wasteland - That's right, the bikers are baring down on you when the car you're riding in breaks down and rolls to a halt. The grungy old dude who took you under your wing curses. The attractive love interest chambers their last bullet as they imagine being hauled away by a dozen burly mutants in leather. You pop the hood, whip out your tool and adjust the cracked krozunda-dink and re-align the glapashozod to get that thing purring like a kitten again, and then haul ass down the highway. Booyeah! 4/5
Resource wars – Ok. There isn't any gasoline. None. At least not for lowlifes like me. The bigwigs and hard working roughnecks might be sitting on oodles of it. But gasoline is rare/non-existent. So knowing how a carburetor works, really rather useless. Like having a Bachelors in the Classics here and now. You'll be living in a box, and I'm not talking one of those fancy refrigerator boxes, no no my friend, you get half a shoe-box. Better look into alternative methods of impressing the ladies. Your job has just gone the way of the Zeppelin Pilot after the Hindenburg Disaster and Beer Social. Maybe you should have gone with that art degree instead chief. Sure, they might create a viable electric car, but that's a whole different beast from the Internal Combustion Engine. And a whole new set of skills. 1/5.
The Alien Invasion – Ok, here's the score, the Zerg invaded our home planet and came from a star-system a hundred or more light years off in deep space. They have anti-gravity devices and particle beam cannons. They can cross hundreds/thousands/millions of lightyears of cold empty vacuum. They swept aside our military with laughable ease. In fact, they're probably still laughing about it all these months later. The Battle of Cleveland? Titter! I don't care how many machine guns you bolt to the top of your mint 1979 VW bug that you rebuilt with your own two hands, they've already won on the technology front. Really, our only hope is that herpes is deadly to them, and that Paris Hilton survived the conflagration that was Hollywood. Being able to rebuild engines, it's a nice hobby here, like stamp-collecting, or putting together jigsaw puzzles, and about as useful. Pointless. All hail the Zerg overlords and their human-being based energy solutions!
On the other hand, when faced with one of the creatures from the Alien franchise, or a whole bad ass colony, being able to repair generators will be mildly helpful. Cause those bugs are smart, and they tend to break anything that might be useful. So you might come in handy until you're face raped and impregnated with a chest burster. 2/5.
Honestly, automotive mechanical skills seem to be most useful in a
Sunday, November 14, 2010
The rabbit goes through the hole, 7, 8 9 times.
Rope. A series of interwoven strands of fiber or string. Not metal, that would be cable. Rope has been an essential tool for our sad little species for some 28,000 or more years. Rope can be put to use hoisting sails. If you have enough you can weave a net. It's useful in the art of decorating pottery. With some knots, heavy ropes make a nice bludgeon. Need to climb a building or repel down a canyon? Well Rope has your back. You can tie maidens to railroad tracks to taunt the hero. Or execute the villains by stringing them up at the nearest tree. Mind you don't get an innocent bystander, cause the apocalypse is a bitch enough to survive without an angry and righteous bounty-hunter following your every move trying to enact his vendetta of revenge. I know, had it happen to me once. Dick shot me, even after I got him a card by way of apology.
Clearly Hallmarks line of "Sorry for lynching you, we thought you were someone else" greeting cards are less effective than advertised.
You know who always has it? Charles Bronson. That's right, the bad-assed beatdown in a sock mofo Chuckles. And Samwise Gamgee. Can't forget good loyal trustworthy Sam the Boyscout. He always comes prepared he does! Well, that isn't true, that dumbass forgot to bring rope when he left the Shire, and then again when the company left Rivendell. But hey, what can you really expect from a sidekick after all? If you're lucky, loyalty and skill with rope. And maybe mad ninja skills for when he/she can't lay their hands on rope.
Lord of the Rings and Boondock Saints references aside, rope is still a useful asset to have in a bind. Or to have for a bind.
But in order to squeeze every last drop of value from this multi-functional and adaptable resource, there are some tricks to master. that's where investing some time learning some proper knot-tying comes in-handy. Rope is rather useless if you don't know how to tie a knot. Cue the impotence double entendre! There are hundreds of different knots. From simple knots using a single piece of rope, to attaching two ore more into a single line. The ability to knot rope is what makes it so damn versatile in the first place. Really, what woman doesn't go wild for a man who can't tie a knot in a cherry stem? Or even another woman. That's pretty hot. We don't even need to get into the bondage possibilities.
Global Warming - Look, sea-levels have risen. My mutant ass will probably be on a boat. A sailboat at that, since I don't really trust my chances in getting my hands on a reliable supply of petrol to make a boat go. Have you ever seen a sailboat? Those things are covered with ropes that desperately need to be tied. And how else can I plan to attach grappling hooks to the end of a rope for a good old-fashioned boarding? This skill is not merely useful, it's necessary. 10/5
Ideally, I tend to see myself on a boat for pretty much all the other scenarios. Though I doubt my stomach will thank me for it. Or the rest of the crew after the fiftieth rendition of a certain song. I think that I've listed enough reasons previously for land dwellers to take the craft of knot-tying seriously, from improved mobility to improvised weaponry, rope has it all. Even zombies will learn to fear the wrath of the rope. There will be all sorts of buildings to scale, villains to tie, and aliens to hang. Being able to tie the right knot for the occasion will get you all the nookie. Recognize. 5/5
Clearly Hallmarks line of "Sorry for lynching you, we thought you were someone else" greeting cards are less effective than advertised.
You know who always has it? Charles Bronson. That's right, the bad-assed beatdown in a sock mofo Chuckles. And Samwise Gamgee. Can't forget good loyal trustworthy Sam the Boyscout. He always comes prepared he does! Well, that isn't true, that dumbass forgot to bring rope when he left the Shire, and then again when the company left Rivendell. But hey, what can you really expect from a sidekick after all? If you're lucky, loyalty and skill with rope. And maybe mad ninja skills for when he/she can't lay their hands on rope.
Lord of the Rings and Boondock Saints references aside, rope is still a useful asset to have in a bind. Or to have for a bind.
But in order to squeeze every last drop of value from this multi-functional and adaptable resource, there are some tricks to master. that's where investing some time learning some proper knot-tying comes in-handy. Rope is rather useless if you don't know how to tie a knot. Cue the impotence double entendre! There are hundreds of different knots. From simple knots using a single piece of rope, to attaching two ore more into a single line. The ability to knot rope is what makes it so damn versatile in the first place. Really, what woman doesn't go wild for a man who can't tie a knot in a cherry stem? Or even another woman. That's pretty hot. We don't even need to get into the bondage possibilities.
Global Warming - Look, sea-levels have risen. My mutant ass will probably be on a boat. A sailboat at that, since I don't really trust my chances in getting my hands on a reliable supply of petrol to make a boat go. Have you ever seen a sailboat? Those things are covered with ropes that desperately need to be tied. And how else can I plan to attach grappling hooks to the end of a rope for a good old-fashioned boarding? This skill is not merely useful, it's necessary. 10/5
Ideally, I tend to see myself on a boat for pretty much all the other scenarios. Though I doubt my stomach will thank me for it. Or the rest of the crew after the fiftieth rendition of a certain song. I think that I've listed enough reasons previously for land dwellers to take the craft of knot-tying seriously, from improved mobility to improvised weaponry, rope has it all. Even zombies will learn to fear the wrath of the rope. There will be all sorts of buildings to scale, villains to tie, and aliens to hang. Being able to tie the right knot for the occasion will get you all the nookie. Recognize. 5/5
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