Netflix is my dealer. Revised.

Gangland. 2000.

I do love the post apocalyptic and dystopian genres. Almost as much as I love to state the obvious. Movies, books, comics or daydreams. Whatever takes me away to a time after civilization has fallen. I like the idea of scavenging deserted cities in a post-apocalyptic future. Cities where only gangs roam. Zombies, or plagues, or alien invasions. Blah, blah blag. I'll give just about any title in the genre a go. This is a sickness, I know. Netflix doesn't help either. They have tons of movies available any time of the day. Netflix is one horrible enabler for a sad wretch like myself. Oh baby, just one more hit for me before I hit the road.

Hell, do it in Lego and we'll be good.

Add this to the fact that I have netflix, and the ability to stream many low budget films instantly. It has to be low budget too, since in most cases the Post-Apocalyptic genre is at the fringes of popular culture. I have to imagine that it's difficult to get proper funding. Still, Gangland had some sort of budget to work with. It wasn't large, but they were a professional crew, and not a bunch of amateur college students.

Gangland starts out with some stock footage of nuclear weapons going off. There's a monologue about the war and how it ended with the bomb, and then an onset of Ebola mutated by the radioactive fallout. Good times. Civilization is collapsing as the police are no longer able to keep control due to attrition of their numbers and the rise in gangs. That's right, the gangs have united and taken over the cities all across the country. Bet you didn't see that one coming.

You got all of that? We're not moving too fast for you here? Gangland is a combination of Mad Max and Warriors. Or maybe Surf Nazis Must Die (though I only managed to watch a half hour or so of Surf Nazis before my brain rebelled.)

Made in 2001, and set approximately 10 years in the future (or last summer), Gangland is a film about war, plague and the break down of human society and how individuals cope. Or at least I think that might be what the writers are telling themselves. Really, the movie seems to ask the age old question. “How many shirtless, muscular dudes can we stuff into leather pants and get on-screen at one time?” The answer, a lot. There are only a few token female breasts (mostly slaves and implied rape victims) and most of the rest of the screen-time is filled with big beefy men. I think that somewhere along the way in the production process a gay man saw 300, and said “I want to do that, but with bikers!” - though there is a major hole in my theory. 300 came five years later. Clearly someone on the team felt that there wasn't nearly enough softcore gay porn available in the world.

Honestly, the more I think about it, the more it seems that Gangland was wrangled by a crew who cut their teeth in porn. In addition to the beefy, mostly naked dudes, they throw in a couple of hot sex-slaves of the Asian persuasion. I think this can be seen as a definite precursor to the later film 300, where the director throws in a red herring to disguise the fact that the audience is viewing Gay Porn. Asian girls in mini-skirts? People running around in leather? Definite Fetish Film!

The movie is littered with symbolism. I don't mean riddled. I mean littered. Someone opened up a proverbial can of symbols and then drenched the script with it. What's a can of symbols? Well it's sort of like a can of whup-ass, only it smells a lot like a jar of Mayo that's been sitting in the sun for a week. To start out we have a conflict between Coolio and Ice T. This would be a bit like pairing Cheech Moran with Danny Trejo. Not quite, but close. They're portraying police officers just as the works is really going to hell. One is still a good cop, while the other is becoming corrupted and evil. The beginning of Gangland is almost like an analogy of the Hiphop industry during the 90s. Down to the street brawl that wraps it up!

Enter Lucifer, the new King of Los Angles. The story takes place in LaLaLand, where most of the characters seem intent on fleeing (that is, all non-gang members) to Phoenix. Get it? Oh yeah, that's American subtlety at it's best! But at least they try to add some sub-context. They were thinking about about injecting some deeper meaning into their story. Better luck next time guys, but damn good effort.

Ok, I can accept all of this. I can suspend disbelief, this is how I managed to enjoy Ghosthunters. It's why I watch movies in the first place, to be whisked off to a fantasy world and entertained by the story, if only for a little while. But the movie takes place in Los Angeles. Why are ALL of the gang members white? This is LA, home of the Crips and Bloods. Latinos make up half of the population of the city. Blacks and Asians each make up another ten percent. Where are all the people of color? If the movie was shot in LA, they should have had plenty of available talent. LA is crawling with non-white gangs.

Back is the Harry Potter Heroic Lineup. One smart woman. One slightly above average man as the leader. One really dumb guy to play sidekick to slightly above average man who's the leader. That's ok, since the heros are pitted against utter retards. How can it tell? Imagine you're in a violent street-gang that runs the city and kills civilians for pleasure. You encounter a couple unarmed dooffi(the plural for doofus), on a bridge, standing next to a overheated car. Your gang decides to toy with them a bit, but the doofi show spunk and show their mad kung fu skills. Do you:

A. Join the fray with your bare hands and out Bruce Lee them!
B: Find a stick and go in swinging!
C: SHOOT THEM WITH YOUR FUCKING GUN!

Guess what happened? Guess. Yeah. It got worse, the scene ended tragically with a slow motion extended “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” sequence on the part of one of the heroes. I laughed at this. Does that make me a bad person? There was another point that I laughed at the big dumb guy, at the finish of another scene that was meant to be traumatic. I can't help it, he was one of those dudes who kept up a running commentary, talking and talking, no matter that he had nothing to say. Fuck him, says I, fuck him with a chainsaw wrapped in barbed wire.

The heroes aren't much better than the villains. They were facing a psychopathic gang of thugs who were terrorizing a city. A gang that spent its time slaves and raping and murdering all over the place and generally carrying on ugly. What tactic do the heroes choose? Shoot them in the face so that they can't continue their reign of terror? Nay Nay. Cut their throats with a knife. Never! That might be messy! They just choose to beat the gangsters into submission and then run away.(In fairness, fearless leader did use the dreaded cock-punch technique once) That of course is unless they have a gun. Then they just shoot wildly, firing hundreds of rounds without ever re-loading. I believe in the final confrontation with Lucifer, the Light-Bringer is armed with naught but a six-shooter. After firing at least fifteen rounds, he's overcome and performs his loud and dramatic death, all to the tune of firing another eight shots.

Finally there was the big girl fistfight where Hermione met her nemesis. A statuesque woman clad in tight leather. Because tight leather is the ideal clothing for fighting in. There's no real explanation for any of this. They didn't meet previously, so there's no feud between them that has become more bitter with each encounter. They just randomly meet in the woods and throw down like a couple of men, trading punches and kicks. At no point does either of the combatants go for a titty. Never. Sure that might hurt the actresses, especially since Nemesis clearly is sporting an excess of silicone. One punch and she's down for good. Maybe Hermione ain't so bright after all. Of course intelligence is rather relative, and she's smarter than her two companions.

I think that the writers had a bit too much material for 90 minutes, and had to cut some of the character development. Because man, those boring fight sequences take a lot of time, as the actors keep repeating the same moves over and over and over again.

Clearly Gangland was about 15 years too late. It should have been made in the mid-eighties where it would have been about on par. This isn't the worst movie I've ever seen. In fact it, with the exception of a couple times where I got up and got a beverage, Gangland kept my attention. So, it's entertaining, if stupid. It would have made a fine episode of MST3K.

2/5

Now, what did this movie teach us?

First, a personal lesson. If we're thrown together due to the end of the world, and you're a chatty bitch who is completely incapable of silence for protracted periods(The Big Dumb Guy from the movie). Big dumb guy, with his inability to shut the fuck up, is going to get everyone killed when he Someone who lacks a filter between your ears that prevents you from voicing every flicker of neuro-energy... Then I'm gonna shoot you. In the face. Until I'm completely out of ammunition or you're completely out of face. Whichever happens first. It's either that or you're wearing a ball-gag for the duration. Your choice.

Now for the broader view.

Martial arts. Everyone in the apocalypse seems to have some proficiency of various forms. It would seem that you either need to become a master of Drunken Style KungFu, or pretty effing good at Parkour. One or the other. Preferably both.

Nowhere that I recall was rope used in this movie. The villains used chain in their torture chamber, which is like the evil half-brother of rope. I bet that the heroes would have been much better off if they had carried a few lengths with them and tied some knots. Maybe they wouldn't have had to flee the first battle had they climbed up the side of Lucifer's fortress instead of barging through the front door. But alas, they didn't follow the teachings of Sir Charles of Bronson.

Automotive Mechanics. Big McStupid would have been in a lot better shape if either he, or his brother, knew thing one about cars. Instead, they got trapped on a bridge and molested by a biker gang. Sure, the movie would have taken a different turn. But it would have been a vast improvement.

Just a little list - Because I felt lazy.

Possessions and tools are important to our species. They're what gave us our edge and allowed us to prosper and thrive as we have, and then take over the world like a virus only to destroy ourselves. Oh, what were we thinking? Damn that ancient chimp who first sharpened a stick and made a spear and then led us here to our destruction.

Really though, a good kit will conducive to living a long life. Knowing how to fix that badass Porche Boxter you found in that garage is absolutely useless without the proper tools and replacement parts. Sure, in some situations you might be able to swing it running about empty handed and completely nude in certain situations, for a little while at least. The rest of us are going to want a full pack.

Not counting such things as food and spare clothing and other personal nick-knacks, Here are some useful odds and ends to consider:

Weapon:Firearm – I opt for the 12 gauge shotgun(pump-action). Despite Max Brooks well argued account for the M1Carbine. Sure, it is a bit big and bulky and awkward on a long march. The 12 gauge holds some major advantages though. As a weapon and a tool it can be used both for self-defense and survival. 1) They're common. Painfully so. Easy to find and replace. 2) Walmart, and many other stores across the nation carry boxes upon boxes of shells. Chalk this up to number 1, they're common. 3) With the option of Buckshot, birdshot and solid slugs the 12 gauge is a versatile and solid weapon/tool. 4). Should you run out of ammunition, it makes a good club. 5) They're simple mechanically, thus less prone to failure. And easy to operate. 6) They make that really sweet clicking sound as you cycle shells and a pair of crossed bandelaros are hella-impressive. Click-Click Boom.

Weapon: Melee - Sooooo many choices. Makes us drool Prethouth! Swords, axes, boards with nails in them. Rocks and pointed sticks. Mannequin arms, brass knuckles, a wet towel, gnomechucks. The list is endless, but let us contemplate its vastness. Which implement of destruction one opts to carry is a highly personal choice, and important as the Shotgun (or your firearm of choice) wasn't meant to use as a club for an extended duration. For the Zombie Uprising I favor the warhammer. Global Warming calls for a samurai sword (instills a huge psychological power against pirates). As for the rest, whatever I can lay my hands on. Like a nice baseball bat with a couple nails run through it.

Transportation – The most obvious choice would be your feet. Free, lightweight and attached to your legs so that you're not too likely to misplace them. You can take them anywhere over any terrain, and they are equally good in the water or on dry land. They're just not too fast, relatively speaking, and prone to getting tired and sore. Especially when all your worldly possessions are riding them all day every day. As with the weapons category there are a wide variety of options to choose from. An automobile is not only fast (on roads and flat terrain) but also provides protection from the elements, storage for your material goods, and cover to hide behind in a gunfight. The downside is that the beast is difficult to maintain, and ever hungry for gasoline. Also don't forget the complete lack of stealth that you and your Ford Pinto will enjoy on the empty streets of the world. Everyone is going to see and hear you coming from miles off. If you need to duck inside a building to avoid pursuit, you're going to have to leave the car behind. Which is like hanging a sign on the door to point the way.

Next, a nice horse. Feeds itself. Fast, hardy. Positive long term working relationship with humanity. In a horse you have a friend and companion for life. They're a lot more mobile than automobiles only need grass and oats to survive. Problem here is that they're big, and loud, and need specialized services to keep them alive and healthy.

If you want to split the difference, there's a motorcycle. They're fast, and nimble, but won't protect you from the elements or carry a lot of goods. If it breaks down, then no emotional attachment, but they're loud as hell.

Finally, we have Max Brooks' suggestion, a bicycle. One of those two wheel jobs that many people learn to ride as kids. In fact, in America at least, the bicycle is the primary mode of youth transportation up until the age of 16 when one achieves that benchmark year and wins their drivers license. Faster than walking, the bike is 100% human powered (unless you're lucky enough to get a moped). No need to find gas or fodder. The mechanics are simple and parts are easy to find and replace. If you need to hide, you can usually pick up the bike and take it with you, no problem. A bicycle will increase your speed and range and the amount of gear that you can carry. Just mind those steep hills, they're a real bugger.

This of course only scratches the surface of terrestrial vehicles and completely ignores the sea and sky. For those, you're on your own.

Outerwear – Leather. Gotta be. Not only is it stylish, and on the right body - down right sexy, but the human jaw is completely incapable of breaking through it. Plus leather will protect you from knife-wounds and the occasional spill from a motorcycle. As well as the elements in general. 4 out of 5 Pocalyptic survivors agree, wrapping yourself in cow-skin is the way to go.

Canteen – Here's what the people who move to the South West don't seem to comprehend. You can live for weeks without food. Sure, life will suck and you'll slowly loose strength and your health will begin to fail. But you can keep going. How long can you live without taking in more water? Maybe three or four days. Less if the weather is hot/dry or you're working up a sweat. Besides, in our modern age, many of our natural water sources are polluted. After years of water treatment plants cleaning our drinking water, and the FDA keeping bacteria out of our food, and soap killing the bacteria on our skin, we've lost our ability to fight off infections and what-not. Even if all the industrial pollutants were cleaned out of our water supplies, there is always some really nasty bugs out there waiting in the shallows to bite. So, when you find a nice source of clean safe drinking water – fill'er up.

Rope – I think I've made my feelings on the awesomeness of rope perfectly clear. Don't leave home without it. Hell, it can be combined with numerous items on the list to make them even better. How? Well just ask the dude wielding the shotgun-chucks.

Source of Fire – Fire. The orange flower of life. The chemical combustion of a fuel combined with air that gives off heat and light. Heat and light. Both are useful. Fire has all sorts of fabulous applications, from keeping back the darkness, to making food and water safe for consumption (not to mention more appealing to our pallets), to consuming the corpses of the dead (Zombies I am told are very flammable). We've been using fire as a servant for thousands of years. Sure, sometimes it rebels and consumes us in our arrogance, and our greatest works, but slaves will do that when you get too comfortable around them (Beware the Bovine Uprising – we're all doomed).

And Last of all: A Backpack – You only have two hands. Count em. Except you Captain Hook. Sorry. Good luck cramming the above into it.

Got all of that?

I do take donations.

It is broken, can you fix it?

Picture this. An automotive garage. The customer is waiting nervously in the corner to hear the bad news. The oil slathered grease-monkey walks over and with a smarmy wink and an appraising glance he says 'well, I've looked it over, and it won't be cheap, but I think we can work something out.' How many porn scenes have been wound around that very scenario? I haven't a clue honestly. But some research might be in order.

As above, here in our safe modern life, even without hordes of zombies and biker gangs prowling the wasteland looting the wreckage of our once proud civilization, an insight into the function of all things machina can keep you from getting screwed. Both literally and figuratively. The glapashozod is slipping and the krozunda-dink is cracked? How much will that cost? A thousand dollars? At least? Gott und Himmel! Really, if you're like most people, you hardly know engine coolant from a bottle of gatorade.

Internal combustion engines are inefficient devices that have been magnificently engineered into a level of complexity that boggles the mind. With most modern engines, there are thousands of parts, and something so small as a loose wire can bring the entire house of cards down. Computers are all but required to diagnose any flitter in the system. Forty years ago, you could tinker with the innards in your own garage and pick up a good working knowledge of the function of the car. Not so anymore. Now you need years of training to master the mechanical arts. What does that mean for the end times and after? Well, nothing good. But hey, you always have your feet.

In the future, after the fall of humanity, not knowing how to repair an engine could pretty much leave you rather fucked. Knowing how to fix engines makes you a valuable commodity and increases your chances of personal survival. Having a break down in the middle of the radioactive desert would be a daunting prospect, especially with the clan of cannibals picking you and your friends off one by one and serving you up for dinner. Mmmm, survivor ka-bobs. Pretty tasty if you don't mind a little fallout.

I won't limit mechanical aptitude to fixing cars. But also smaller engines and generators. But we'll avoid bicycle repair and other awesome feats of engineering and leave them to a later time.

Global Warming – Ideally, when you're living eternally on the ocean and cut off from the niceties of civilization (IE gas stations) you're going to rely on the rather primitive, but efficient and effective wind power. Still, sailboats do have motors on board, both for propulsion and generators for creating electricity. However, there will be a serious lack of petrol stations. Or auto-parts store. Everything will have been consigned to the briny deep. It is conceivable that some genius will set up a floating oil derrick and refinery. But don't count on it. Or ever finding the damn thing if they do. The earth is a big place. If you're lucky and have a purely electrical system, then you've already cut out the need for any/much mechanical know-how. 3/5

Zombie Apocalypse - I don't know how useful automotive mechanics will be in a zombie uprising. The scenarios, mine included, usually leave the roadways clogged with abandoned vehicles as people try to either flee the city, or return for loved ones. Once again, survivors are often walled up in some fortress or another, be it a mall or whatever. Driving isn't usually high on the list, so trying to impress the girls with your precise and methodical skills at wheel realignment will just have to wait. Those who do venture out into the sea of undead have millions of cars to scavenge from, making auto-repair rather unnecessary most of the time. At least in the beginning. Five or ten years down the line, being able to maintain the remnants of the fleet will be a highly valuable skill.

Hey, we'll also need someone who knows how to repair the generators. Cause let's be honest, the zombies aren't going to be working hard keeping the lights on. They're going to be more interested in locating and then eating brains. It's what they do. 4/5

Post Nuclear Wasteland - That's right, the bikers are baring down on you when the car you're riding in breaks down and rolls to a halt. The grungy old dude who took you under your wing curses. The attractive love interest chambers their last bullet as they imagine being hauled away by a dozen burly mutants in leather. You pop the hood, whip out your tool and adjust the cracked krozunda-dink and re-align the glapashozod to get that thing purring like a kitten again, and then haul ass down the highway. Booyeah! 4/5

Resource wars – Ok. There isn't any gasoline. None. At least not for lowlifes like me. The bigwigs and hard working roughnecks might be sitting on oodles of it. But gasoline is rare/non-existent. So knowing how a carburetor works, really rather useless. Like having a Bachelors in the Classics here and now. You'll be living in a box, and I'm not talking one of those fancy refrigerator boxes, no no my friend, you get half a shoe-box. Better look into alternative methods of impressing the ladies. Your job has just gone the way of the Zeppelin Pilot after the Hindenburg Disaster and Beer Social. Maybe you should have gone with that art degree instead chief. Sure, they might create a viable electric car, but that's a whole different beast from the Internal Combustion Engine. And a whole new set of skills. 1/5.

The Alien Invasion – Ok, here's the score, the Zerg invaded our home planet and came from a star-system a hundred or more light years off in deep space. They have anti-gravity devices and particle beam cannons. They can cross hundreds/thousands/millions of lightyears of cold empty vacuum. They swept aside our military with laughable ease. In fact, they're probably still laughing about it all these months later. The Battle of Cleveland? Titter! I don't care how many machine guns you bolt to the top of your mint 1979 VW bug that you rebuilt with your own two hands, they've already won on the technology front. Really, our only hope is that herpes is deadly to them, and that Paris Hilton survived the conflagration that was Hollywood. Being able to rebuild engines, it's a nice hobby here, like stamp-collecting, or putting together jigsaw puzzles, and about as useful. Pointless. All hail the Zerg overlords and their human-being based energy solutions!

On the other hand, when faced with one of the creatures from the Alien franchise, or a whole bad ass colony, being able to repair generators will be mildly helpful. Cause those bugs are smart, and they tend to break anything that might be useful. So you might come in handy until you're face raped and impregnated with a chest burster. 2/5.

Honestly, automotive mechanical skills seem to be most useful in a