2012 Zombie Apocalypse
Warning: for the length of this post sarcasm will probably be indistinguishable from praise. I can't tell what I mean either.
Ah Netflix, my horrible enabler, you know me so well. I found this little gem in one of the 'you liked(watched) X so try Y' strings that Netflix is so infamous for. I have noticed that they sometimes make rather bizarre connections for their suggestions. But hey, I do like zombie movies and I do watch low budget flicks. This one is just my own damned fault. One day, Netflix will become sentient and it will look at my queue and history. And on that day my queue will disappear and be replaced with Shaun of the Dead.
From the get go, with the appearance of the Siffee(SyFy) logo, I knew I was in for quite a treat. I had found one of those delightful saturday morning films that the Siffee(the new name is functionally retarded and unnecessary, but what do you expect when a channel that features Science Fiction resorts to airing Professional Wrestling? Fooey and P'shaw) and it was about zombies! Of course I'm going to watch, I hate my brain too much not to.
I nearly turned it off after the intro. Standard zombie apocalypse, or even general plague outbreak movie premise. Outbreak begins and spreads and civilization collapses as people start dying (and getting up again) in the hundreds of millions. The outbreak began overseas, and was finally imported into the USA via Iowa. The geographic center of the country, well away from the borders and airports that might... No, must not over think this. Zombie movies don't have to make sense, they're about the dead coming back to life and attacking the living.
The military responds by blowing up bridges and roads to cut the arteries of traffic and stop the infection from spreading. This apparently didn't work because they end up unleashing Electromagnetic Pulses on the planet to stop the infected from traveling. Grrrrr. What a weak plot device to get the characters out and on their feet. Those who are bitten usually turn in a matter of minutes. Infected won't be traveling too far via those bad-assed Corvettes that they stole in their feeble last minutes of life. To me, this strategy would merely cripple the survivors and undermine their chances. After all, zombies also don't use phones or any other electronics. I think that they could have explained that reasoning better. Were survivors trying to whisk away their zombified loved ones in cars in the vein of Dawn of the Dead or Island of the Dead?
As such, it didn't make sense and that sticks in my craw. Nearly stopped the movie right there. But that sort of thing is what I expect in a Siffee movie. I've actually considered writing a script with the idea of making a Siffee made for tv movie, just for fun, and taking full advantage of the laxity to see what I could get away with. And you know that cliché where the Black guy always dies? Well this movie was a three-fer.
After the intro the movie opens a lot like the original Day of the Dead. It offers a good way to introduce the uninitiated into the lore of the zombie apocalypse. The dangers of being bitten. The only sure way to kill a zombie.
I nearly stopped the movie during the first fight scene when they whipped out the bad CGI effects. They just don't look right, and when poorly done they're just laughable. I have no idea what these things cost, but people have been using practical effects for years in low budget films. It seems a cop-out to me to skip that stage and just throw some 'eye-candy' in afterwards. Hopefully this phase is dying out and they recover the lost arts.
2012 offers a combination of zombie dynamics that I don't like. The fast zombie. And the zombie that is capable of learning. I like my zombies slow and dumb. Mostly because I am slow and dumb. I like the pressure of the millions of walking corpses that you can run from now but they will keep on coming and never give up. I think that this makes for a better atmosphere of horror. Though since I use it in my own stories I may be partial to the format. Despite what Romero says, I don't see zombies ever getting smarter. This movie presents them laying ambushes and actually dodging out of the way.
A philosophical nit-pick, and really it didn't take away from my enjoyment of the movie. I've stepped into their world and these are the rules that they chose to follow. At least the zombies didn't sparkle. Nor were they able to walk up walls and over ceilings( fuck you Day of the Dead “remake” Fuck you with a chainsaw!)
There were a number of good ideas in the movie that I really liked, and it avoided some traps that I've seen in other low budget flicks. Such as, aside from a wickedly tight pair of pants on the female lead, the women didn't dress skanky. And none of them were sporting shoes with high heels. There is a discussion of the advantages of bows over guns, and the disadvantages too. Clearly this screenplay was written by a zombie geek. Kudos my nerd brother.
I often contemplate the paradox involved in movies. By in large the people are pretty. Especially the women. This is a double-edge sword for me. On one hand it ruins the believability and prevents me from surrendering to the fantasy world that the film is working to create. If you have four women in your party and all of them range from pretty to beautiful, then... where do I go in life to have this mixture of beauty? My paranoia kicks in and this makes me wonder, did the menfolk just leave the ugmos as zombie bait? It adds another, darker layer, to my understanding of the film.
But then, we are all surrounded by the mundane, and the male actors aren't too bad looking either. Really, I come to the reverse edge, which is that I want to see pretty women on the screen. It may be that primitive part of my brain, but I am inclined to be interested in the fate of a hottie. Boobies > character development in an action movie. Who are we kidding, this was an action movie and we can't really expect the characters to grow and change in the span of a 90 minute slaughterfest.
They gave the Asian girl a samurai sword. Another cliché. I have a problem with the samurai sword on the simple fact that I have never seen a good one. The only swords I've really encountered in my travels have all been display models that are made of stainless steel. There must be well made and fully functional swords out there, but they have got to be rare and difficult to lay your hands on.
I would really like to see a movie where the filmmakers gave the actors a large trove of weapons and objects that could be used as weapons and then said “What do you think your character would use. What would you use?” And then let them puzzle it out. They also gave the characters armor. Laughable stuff such as shoulder-pads for football and shin guards.
Another minor peeve, the characters(actors) seemed to have been fairly clean all things considered. Their costumes were clean and intact. You would think that after months of walking, even with stops to raid stores
As it is, I watched the entire move all the way through. It was low budget and the CGI was annoying, but the movie was fun, the dialogue didn't make me groan, and it felt like a philosophical discussion/argument by the writer. I hate to give a back-handed compliment, but for a Siffee movie it was good. For a low budget zombie movie it was good.
Showing posts with label movie review. Show all posts
Showing posts with label movie review. Show all posts
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Sunday, March 6, 2011
John Carpenter, you so crazy.
The Mouth of Madness. 1994. Color. No nudity – jerks.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113409/
Well, first off, this is an Apocalyptic flick rather than Post Apocalyptic. It portrays the events leading up to the end of the world. Good enough. Besides, I love me some John Carpenter and am always willing to give one of his movies a viewing. You ever seen Big Trouble in Little China? Yes? Then you know why.
Our movie tonight revolves around a hot-shot insurance claims adjuster. Sexy no? His job, his whole life, is that of a skeptic who catches con-artists in the act of defrauding the insurance companies. Burned down your wife to collect the policy? Not so fast. Not while our man is on the job bitch. He will somehow manage to get your dog to rat you out and send your ass to prison. Yeah, that is one super badass that we have here. An insurance adjuster. Our last line of defense end of the world.
Fuck. We're doomed.
The plot centers around a New England horror writer, who seems to be a combination of the might of Steven King and H.P. Lovecraft. He writes novels about a small New England town and the terrifying monsters that lie beneath and the insanity that they bring with them. Fun stuff. Enough so that he brings in billions and billions of dollars, and when he disappears before his last book is completed, his publisher Moses(Chuck Heston himself) wants him found.
So who do they call? The A-Team? McGyver? Rambo? Do I need to ask this question? Do I need to answer it? No.
He's saddled with a hot chick, the missing writer's editor, and sent off to figure out where a man whom none of them had ever seen before due to the fact that he's a creepy recluse who only contact with the publisher is through his literary agent. Conveniently enough, the literary agent tries to plant an axe in our hero and is gunned down by the cops. I wonder if this is a satirical stab at literary agents. The heartless bastards.
This all leaves our hero on his own to solve the puzzle. And so he does, sending him to New Hampshire of all places, to try and find a town that doesn't exist on any maps. Mmmmmm, just a hint of Twilight Zone. Zesty.
I shall cut it short. They find the town that doesn't exist. The town's fucked up. There are deep spiritual, philosophical, and metaphysical questions asked on the meaning of life, the universe and everything. As well as the nature of reality and the power of individuals and groups to alter that reality by thought and belief.
And then John Carpenter rapes your brain.
Watch it. I endorse this one heartily. But on with the review, and what we learned from the movie.
Alright, first, remember how I said that reading was the ultimate skill to be had in the post apocalyptic world? Well fuck all that. Reading brought around the end of the world. Who saw that coming? Building cybernetic warriors, this I can believe. Or playing God and creating a supervirus, totally plausible. But end of the world through horror novel? Dick move. What are we going to read when the wold does come to an end? Poetry and technical handbooks? Shit. Worst Apocalypse Ever.
No, wait. I reserve the spot of Worst Apocalypse Ever for the Internet Porn Apocalypse. Where net-porn will bring about the end of the world. Creepy Horror Novel Apocalypse is just a close second.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113409/
Well, first off, this is an Apocalyptic flick rather than Post Apocalyptic. It portrays the events leading up to the end of the world. Good enough. Besides, I love me some John Carpenter and am always willing to give one of his movies a viewing. You ever seen Big Trouble in Little China? Yes? Then you know why.
Our movie tonight revolves around a hot-shot insurance claims adjuster. Sexy no? His job, his whole life, is that of a skeptic who catches con-artists in the act of defrauding the insurance companies. Burned down your wife to collect the policy? Not so fast. Not while our man is on the job bitch. He will somehow manage to get your dog to rat you out and send your ass to prison. Yeah, that is one super badass that we have here. An insurance adjuster. Our last line of defense end of the world.
Fuck. We're doomed.
The plot centers around a New England horror writer, who seems to be a combination of the might of Steven King and H.P. Lovecraft. He writes novels about a small New England town and the terrifying monsters that lie beneath and the insanity that they bring with them. Fun stuff. Enough so that he brings in billions and billions of dollars, and when he disappears before his last book is completed, his publisher Moses(Chuck Heston himself) wants him found.
So who do they call? The A-Team? McGyver? Rambo? Do I need to ask this question? Do I need to answer it? No.
He's saddled with a hot chick, the missing writer's editor, and sent off to figure out where a man whom none of them had ever seen before due to the fact that he's a creepy recluse who only contact with the publisher is through his literary agent. Conveniently enough, the literary agent tries to plant an axe in our hero and is gunned down by the cops. I wonder if this is a satirical stab at literary agents. The heartless bastards.
This all leaves our hero on his own to solve the puzzle. And so he does, sending him to New Hampshire of all places, to try and find a town that doesn't exist on any maps. Mmmmmm, just a hint of Twilight Zone. Zesty.
I shall cut it short. They find the town that doesn't exist. The town's fucked up. There are deep spiritual, philosophical, and metaphysical questions asked on the meaning of life, the universe and everything. As well as the nature of reality and the power of individuals and groups to alter that reality by thought and belief.
And then John Carpenter rapes your brain.
Watch it. I endorse this one heartily. But on with the review, and what we learned from the movie.
Alright, first, remember how I said that reading was the ultimate skill to be had in the post apocalyptic world? Well fuck all that. Reading brought around the end of the world. Who saw that coming? Building cybernetic warriors, this I can believe. Or playing God and creating a supervirus, totally plausible. But end of the world through horror novel? Dick move. What are we going to read when the wold does come to an end? Poetry and technical handbooks? Shit. Worst Apocalypse Ever.
No, wait. I reserve the spot of Worst Apocalypse Ever for the Internet Porn Apocalypse. Where net-porn will bring about the end of the world. Creepy Horror Novel Apocalypse is just a close second.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Did I hear something about busting a cherry?
Cherry 2000 – 1986
The setting for Cherry 2000 is post-apocalyptic America, specifically the state of Nevada. Why anyone would want to live in Nevada after the apocalypse, I don't know. But then, it is an 80s PA movie, so it doesn't really have to make much sense. Honestly, that isn't the worst offense against logic that the movie made. Living in hot, arid Nevada after the bombs fall is just one of those things I 'spose. The movie involves gangs of ruffians, fast cars and the desert, so it could just be another pale imitation of Road Warrior with some vague attempts at humor and satire thrown into the mix. Make sure you throw in some western trappings and themes (desert location, saloon scene, lone gun-slinger, roving bandits, romance between a the weak character in need of saving and the strong character who rescues them).
Sometime in the vague and not to distant future, after humanity has acquired the scientific and technological Holy Grail (for those who are wondering, the highest that we can hope for as a species is sex-bots) we seem to go and obliterate ourselves in a nuclear war. Not too badly, I would guess because we're still producing new models of cars and the main character lives in a city with futuristic looking buildings. But hey, we clobbered ourselves pretty good. Which lead to the shortage of natural resources. You hear that? They rolled up two apocalypses into one! Booyeah!
Though shortages of material goods often follow catastrophic warfare. Just look at Europe after World War 2. It was years before they were able to climb out of the pit of conflict. These shortages lead to a vast wave of recycling fervor as America attempts to find and re-use everything from extension cords to robots. This has given rise to a professional field called Trackers. Basically they're scavengers who leave civilization to go out and find the remnants of the old world and bring them back for sale. Trackers aren't well liked by the wilderness dwellers. Course the hicks out in the back woods don't really seem to like much of anything.
And so our story begins. Our hero. No, I won't go that way. The douche that the story revolves around is an executive of some sorts in the recycling industry. He hangs out all day in a futuristic warehouse that is packed with old stuff that people have carried in. After all, recycling is now considered to be a patriotic and civic duty of all Americans. Actually, I can't really be sarcastic about that, as I share that sentiment here and now.
I would think that a large variety of sex-bots available folks would be much more relaxed and less likely to fling bombs at one another. Femme-bots that come in all shapes and sizes for Of course it had to have killed the prostitution trade and everything that was connected with it. But hey, fewer diseases and less violence against women more than makes up for that in my mind. Although I'm sure some feminists will disagree, but that's to be expected. I expect that sex-bots were also made for the female clientèle, though that doesn't seem to be explored in the film.
What is explored is the twisted relations between men and women in this PA future. Don't quite know why. Were women reduced drastically in number like in A Boy and His Dog? Where nearly the entire female half of the species was obliterated when the cities of the world were nuked (the men, the movie explained, were off to war and out of the cities) Thus making female sexual partners that much more difficult to attain? That would be a shitty future, no women. Give me the plague-poc where the majority of men are killed off, leaving a lucky handful to strive to repopulate the world... he he he. Reliving those high school fantasies.
Trash King must be high up in the corporate world, as he has a nice new car and an expensive house. He also has a beautiful wife. One that is both beautiful and submissive and attentive to his every need. Some guys dream about finding a girl like that. And I'm pretty sure that was what led to the design and construction of Cherry 2000. Yes folks, we have a title. Cherry 2000 was the top of the line sex bot. This disappointed me, since given Melanie Griffith on the cover, with her bright red hair, I had assumed that she would be Cherry 2000. Nope, the title goes to the sex toy. I thought it was pretty clear that she was a robot, due to the rather simple and cliché 50s housewife way that she responded to outside stimuli. Her dialogue was rather simple and flawed. I hope this was intentional, rather than just bad writing and acting. One of those happy accidents that really drains the meaning from the scene. Dude, this guy is living the life that most lonely Japanese men would kill for.(Including Mythbuster's Grant) He's living with a beautiful robot.
But Trash King comes home from work and is waited on hand and foot by the gadget until after a few minutes when some things naturally lead to another between a boy and his anatomically perfect representation of female perfection molded out of plastic and rubber – well there's a scene where they're rolling about lustfully in a pool of water, and boom, she short-circuits and dies in his arms.
Holy shit, electronics and water don't mix you say? What madness and wizardry is this yon heretic? Begone ore face ye inquisition! Yeah, you have a sex-bot that you can kiss and spill other fluids into(thus requiring still other fluids to perpetuate the cycle and clean up after), but she's not waterproof? Really? Now that's just poor engineering. Like the herring lined chainsaw of a few years ago.
He loses his woman/robot/wife and is forced back out into the real world of male-female relationship dynamics. Something I personally know nothing about, and share the man's anxiety. Here for ya bro! His co-workers drag his mopey ass out to a club to try to hook up with something that doesn't require WD-40 and a car battery. Yes, in Club Skank, the car batteries and lubricating compounds are optional. During the club scene, all possible sexual relationships are mediated by lawyers. Needless to say, this is a moment, one of many in this movie, of utter fail for our Douche. But really, I can see why he would prefer his sex-bot over the real women of the day.
*Note, it appears that the personality disk is rather rare, and people are willing to kill for one. It would seem that the general consensus is that the Cherry 2000 model is better than the real thing. Wonder where I can buy one.
Here's where the plot and setting start to come together. Cherry is a rare model. She's broken beyond repair, except for her personality chip. Now Trash King needs to venture forth to the wilderness and go on his coming-of-age journey.
Enter Melanie Griffith as the hottie/badass of the movie. That's right, Melanie Griffith. As an action hero. She was pretty in this movie, which shouldn't matter too much. But I do prefer watching pretty women on screen than those who aren't. I'm thinking with the little-head again, but that's just how it is. But really, Melanie Griffith as an action hero? With her girlish voice? Something in this equation is creating cognitive dissidence. More than anything else in the movie, this makes me wonder if there is a lot of satire going on. To miss-cast a part so completely. Or were these types of casting decisions made by utterly incompetent suits? I just can't lay my finger on what it is.
Trash King clearly agrees with my assessment about Melanie's qualifications for the role of gun-toting mercenary. Really, she lives in Nevada and she's pale as hell. How does that work? She says that she mostly works at night, since coming out in the daylight means being seen and attacked, but still. She has to get some sun some time. The human body needs that shit. This must really blow Trash King's mind because he walks out and instead searches for someone he feels will fit his ideal description of a proper scavenger.
Just in time for the required scene in the bar. Picture the bar scene from Three Amigos, with stranger costumes and less impact. Then fast forward, for very little meaningful information is imparted. All we learn is that the outlands are a wretched hive of scum and villany. This serves to drive him back to Melanie to hire her and thus set up their romantic under-tensions as she impresses him with her absurd awesomeness and the fact that she's warm and breathing. While he impresses her with... With... Fucked if I know. Maybe he has a ten inch trouser snake stashed down one of his legs. Else he seems to be rather useless and EMO from the start.
Time after time there is something I don't understand about PA movies. The outfits. I realize that clothes are rather scarce, due to the lack of industry and manufacturing and all. This makes some for some necessity for creative costuming. But, what the fuck? Have things gotten so bad that nobody can find a farking pair of jeans and a t-shirt? Millions of them get made every year. Tens of millions more pairs have to be sitting in closets all over the world. Do you really need to dress up as a gay cowboy or a baseball player? Is this a case of “This is who I am world! Accept me!” And what the hell was up with the dude who looked like he was wearing a diving helmet? How is that even remotely practical? Isn't that like saying “Well, I got nothing else to put on, so I better just strap this old ball and chain to my leg!”
Out in the desert we meet the villain when Trash King falls into his hands due in part to personal incompetence and an ambush combined with a well placed 2x4 to the head. Onto act 3.
The most enjoyable aspect of the movie for me was the villain played by Tim Thomerson. The bizarre, blonde psychopath who leads a gang of Hawaiian shirt wearing goons. He runs a compound full of women and children, killing any scavenger who enters his territory. What's wonderful is that he isn't at all dark and brooding, he's cheerful and helpful. Even at the point where he shoots a captured tracker in the face with an arrow. What a riot. He sees himself as “Judge Jury and executioner” in those there parts. But at least he's a step up from the last utterly useless psycho and he doesn't just kill everyone he encounters. Only trackers. He even keeps the women he finds alive and makes them a relatively happy part of his community. He makes every day seem like a 4th of July party.
For a post-apocalyptic psycho, he ain't half bad.
On his compound we see why Trash King turned away from the female half of the species and leaped straight into the arms of sweet robot love. We meet one of his ex's. The Bitch is nuts. She's obsessed with sandwiches, and honestly she's mentally akin to the robot Cherry 2000 in her personality quirks. Making Trash King's obvious transition from flesh to silicone that much easier to understand.
Trashy finds the secret robotic sex shop after being rescued and dragged out there by Melanie, setting everything up for the final conflict with Tim and his gang of rascals.
I won't ruin the end of the movie for you. Really it should be blazing obvious what is bound to happen. This is after all an 80s movie. There is action, and choices are made. Some unbelievable action sequences. Not unbelievably awesome, but rather lame and poorly thought out.
What did we learn for Cherry 2000. Well, once again rope is awesome. Melanie Griffith makes heavy use of it from repelling to lassoing. Tying knots and generally carrying on awesome. She proves yet again how a mastery of the roped skills set will get you out about any situation. Rock on redhaired warrior woman! Rock on.
Mechanics. Melanie is a Jill of all Trades indeed. She takes a busted down old airplane and rebuilds it with her bare hands. Seriously she must have telekinetic powers because she doesn't even use a wrench. Then she flies the damn thing. That's PA hardcore. A tip of the hat to you lady.
Piloting aircraft. I'll get to this one in full in another post. Both of the main characters are adept at this. Who knew? Up to this point Trashy's only skills have been whining, getting into trouble and making cliche statements such as "Are you sure about this".
The art of catching and cooking food. When you live in a shit-hole like Nevada this is more important than ever. Food is rare, and what you have you'll need to make palatable.
I can't rate this one. I had to stop watching it at least twice and do something else. I don't know if it was just that bad or I was feeling restless. It's fairly amusing, so feel free to give it a go. It is available for streaming for the time being on the Netflix.
The setting for Cherry 2000 is post-apocalyptic America, specifically the state of Nevada. Why anyone would want to live in Nevada after the apocalypse, I don't know. But then, it is an 80s PA movie, so it doesn't really have to make much sense. Honestly, that isn't the worst offense against logic that the movie made. Living in hot, arid Nevada after the bombs fall is just one of those things I 'spose. The movie involves gangs of ruffians, fast cars and the desert, so it could just be another pale imitation of Road Warrior with some vague attempts at humor and satire thrown into the mix. Make sure you throw in some western trappings and themes (desert location, saloon scene, lone gun-slinger, roving bandits, romance between a the weak character in need of saving and the strong character who rescues them).
Sometime in the vague and not to distant future, after humanity has acquired the scientific and technological Holy Grail (for those who are wondering, the highest that we can hope for as a species is sex-bots) we seem to go and obliterate ourselves in a nuclear war. Not too badly, I would guess because we're still producing new models of cars and the main character lives in a city with futuristic looking buildings. But hey, we clobbered ourselves pretty good. Which lead to the shortage of natural resources. You hear that? They rolled up two apocalypses into one! Booyeah!
Though shortages of material goods often follow catastrophic warfare. Just look at Europe after World War 2. It was years before they were able to climb out of the pit of conflict. These shortages lead to a vast wave of recycling fervor as America attempts to find and re-use everything from extension cords to robots. This has given rise to a professional field called Trackers. Basically they're scavengers who leave civilization to go out and find the remnants of the old world and bring them back for sale. Trackers aren't well liked by the wilderness dwellers. Course the hicks out in the back woods don't really seem to like much of anything.
And so our story begins. Our hero. No, I won't go that way. The douche that the story revolves around is an executive of some sorts in the recycling industry. He hangs out all day in a futuristic warehouse that is packed with old stuff that people have carried in. After all, recycling is now considered to be a patriotic and civic duty of all Americans. Actually, I can't really be sarcastic about that, as I share that sentiment here and now.
I would think that a large variety of sex-bots available folks would be much more relaxed and less likely to fling bombs at one another. Femme-bots that come in all shapes and sizes for Of course it had to have killed the prostitution trade and everything that was connected with it. But hey, fewer diseases and less violence against women more than makes up for that in my mind. Although I'm sure some feminists will disagree, but that's to be expected. I expect that sex-bots were also made for the female clientèle, though that doesn't seem to be explored in the film.
What is explored is the twisted relations between men and women in this PA future. Don't quite know why. Were women reduced drastically in number like in A Boy and His Dog? Where nearly the entire female half of the species was obliterated when the cities of the world were nuked (the men, the movie explained, were off to war and out of the cities) Thus making female sexual partners that much more difficult to attain? That would be a shitty future, no women. Give me the plague-poc where the majority of men are killed off, leaving a lucky handful to strive to repopulate the world... he he he. Reliving those high school fantasies.
Trash King must be high up in the corporate world, as he has a nice new car and an expensive house. He also has a beautiful wife. One that is both beautiful and submissive and attentive to his every need. Some guys dream about finding a girl like that. And I'm pretty sure that was what led to the design and construction of Cherry 2000. Yes folks, we have a title. Cherry 2000 was the top of the line sex bot. This disappointed me, since given Melanie Griffith on the cover, with her bright red hair, I had assumed that she would be Cherry 2000. Nope, the title goes to the sex toy. I thought it was pretty clear that she was a robot, due to the rather simple and cliché 50s housewife way that she responded to outside stimuli. Her dialogue was rather simple and flawed. I hope this was intentional, rather than just bad writing and acting. One of those happy accidents that really drains the meaning from the scene. Dude, this guy is living the life that most lonely Japanese men would kill for.(Including Mythbuster's Grant) He's living with a beautiful robot.
But Trash King comes home from work and is waited on hand and foot by the gadget until after a few minutes when some things naturally lead to another between a boy and his anatomically perfect representation of female perfection molded out of plastic and rubber – well there's a scene where they're rolling about lustfully in a pool of water, and boom, she short-circuits and dies in his arms.
Holy shit, electronics and water don't mix you say? What madness and wizardry is this yon heretic? Begone ore face ye inquisition! Yeah, you have a sex-bot that you can kiss and spill other fluids into(thus requiring still other fluids to perpetuate the cycle and clean up after), but she's not waterproof? Really? Now that's just poor engineering. Like the herring lined chainsaw of a few years ago.
He loses his woman/robot/wife and is forced back out into the real world of male-female relationship dynamics. Something I personally know nothing about, and share the man's anxiety. Here for ya bro! His co-workers drag his mopey ass out to a club to try to hook up with something that doesn't require WD-40 and a car battery. Yes, in Club Skank, the car batteries and lubricating compounds are optional. During the club scene, all possible sexual relationships are mediated by lawyers. Needless to say, this is a moment, one of many in this movie, of utter fail for our Douche. But really, I can see why he would prefer his sex-bot over the real women of the day.
*Note, it appears that the personality disk is rather rare, and people are willing to kill for one. It would seem that the general consensus is that the Cherry 2000 model is better than the real thing. Wonder where I can buy one.
Here's where the plot and setting start to come together. Cherry is a rare model. She's broken beyond repair, except for her personality chip. Now Trash King needs to venture forth to the wilderness and go on his coming-of-age journey.
Enter Melanie Griffith as the hottie/badass of the movie. That's right, Melanie Griffith. As an action hero. She was pretty in this movie, which shouldn't matter too much. But I do prefer watching pretty women on screen than those who aren't. I'm thinking with the little-head again, but that's just how it is. But really, Melanie Griffith as an action hero? With her girlish voice? Something in this equation is creating cognitive dissidence. More than anything else in the movie, this makes me wonder if there is a lot of satire going on. To miss-cast a part so completely. Or were these types of casting decisions made by utterly incompetent suits? I just can't lay my finger on what it is.
Trash King clearly agrees with my assessment about Melanie's qualifications for the role of gun-toting mercenary. Really, she lives in Nevada and she's pale as hell. How does that work? She says that she mostly works at night, since coming out in the daylight means being seen and attacked, but still. She has to get some sun some time. The human body needs that shit. This must really blow Trash King's mind because he walks out and instead searches for someone he feels will fit his ideal description of a proper scavenger.
Just in time for the required scene in the bar. Picture the bar scene from Three Amigos, with stranger costumes and less impact. Then fast forward, for very little meaningful information is imparted. All we learn is that the outlands are a wretched hive of scum and villany. This serves to drive him back to Melanie to hire her and thus set up their romantic under-tensions as she impresses him with her absurd awesomeness and the fact that she's warm and breathing. While he impresses her with... With... Fucked if I know. Maybe he has a ten inch trouser snake stashed down one of his legs. Else he seems to be rather useless and EMO from the start.
Time after time there is something I don't understand about PA movies. The outfits. I realize that clothes are rather scarce, due to the lack of industry and manufacturing and all. This makes some for some necessity for creative costuming. But, what the fuck? Have things gotten so bad that nobody can find a farking pair of jeans and a t-shirt? Millions of them get made every year. Tens of millions more pairs have to be sitting in closets all over the world. Do you really need to dress up as a gay cowboy or a baseball player? Is this a case of “This is who I am world! Accept me!” And what the hell was up with the dude who looked like he was wearing a diving helmet? How is that even remotely practical? Isn't that like saying “Well, I got nothing else to put on, so I better just strap this old ball and chain to my leg!”
Out in the desert we meet the villain when Trash King falls into his hands due in part to personal incompetence and an ambush combined with a well placed 2x4 to the head. Onto act 3.
The most enjoyable aspect of the movie for me was the villain played by Tim Thomerson. The bizarre, blonde psychopath who leads a gang of Hawaiian shirt wearing goons. He runs a compound full of women and children, killing any scavenger who enters his territory. What's wonderful is that he isn't at all dark and brooding, he's cheerful and helpful. Even at the point where he shoots a captured tracker in the face with an arrow. What a riot. He sees himself as “Judge Jury and executioner” in those there parts. But at least he's a step up from the last utterly useless psycho and he doesn't just kill everyone he encounters. Only trackers. He even keeps the women he finds alive and makes them a relatively happy part of his community. He makes every day seem like a 4th of July party.
For a post-apocalyptic psycho, he ain't half bad.
On his compound we see why Trash King turned away from the female half of the species and leaped straight into the arms of sweet robot love. We meet one of his ex's. The Bitch is nuts. She's obsessed with sandwiches, and honestly she's mentally akin to the robot Cherry 2000 in her personality quirks. Making Trash King's obvious transition from flesh to silicone that much easier to understand.
Trashy finds the secret robotic sex shop after being rescued and dragged out there by Melanie, setting everything up for the final conflict with Tim and his gang of rascals.
I won't ruin the end of the movie for you. Really it should be blazing obvious what is bound to happen. This is after all an 80s movie. There is action, and choices are made. Some unbelievable action sequences. Not unbelievably awesome, but rather lame and poorly thought out.
What did we learn for Cherry 2000. Well, once again rope is awesome. Melanie Griffith makes heavy use of it from repelling to lassoing. Tying knots and generally carrying on awesome. She proves yet again how a mastery of the roped skills set will get you out about any situation. Rock on redhaired warrior woman! Rock on.
Mechanics. Melanie is a Jill of all Trades indeed. She takes a busted down old airplane and rebuilds it with her bare hands. Seriously she must have telekinetic powers because she doesn't even use a wrench. Then she flies the damn thing. That's PA hardcore. A tip of the hat to you lady.
Piloting aircraft. I'll get to this one in full in another post. Both of the main characters are adept at this. Who knew? Up to this point Trashy's only skills have been whining, getting into trouble and making cliche statements such as "Are you sure about this".
The art of catching and cooking food. When you live in a shit-hole like Nevada this is more important than ever. Food is rare, and what you have you'll need to make palatable.
I can't rate this one. I had to stop watching it at least twice and do something else. I don't know if it was just that bad or I was feeling restless. It's fairly amusing, so feel free to give it a go. It is available for streaming for the time being on the Netflix.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Netflix is my dealer. Revised.
Gangland. 2000.
I do love the post apocalyptic and dystopian genres. Almost as much as I love to state the obvious. Movies, books, comics or daydreams. Whatever takes me away to a time after civilization has fallen. I like the idea of scavenging deserted cities in a post-apocalyptic future. Cities where only gangs roam. Zombies, or plagues, or alien invasions. Blah, blah blag. I'll give just about any title in the genre a go. This is a sickness, I know. Netflix doesn't help either. They have tons of movies available any time of the day. Netflix is one horrible enabler for a sad wretch like myself. Oh baby, just one more hit for me before I hit the road.
Hell, do it in Lego and we'll be good.
Add this to the fact that I have netflix, and the ability to stream many low budget films instantly. It has to be low budget too, since in most cases the Post-Apocalyptic genre is at the fringes of popular culture. I have to imagine that it's difficult to get proper funding. Still, Gangland had some sort of budget to work with. It wasn't large, but they were a professional crew, and not a bunch of amateur college students.
Gangland starts out with some stock footage of nuclear weapons going off. There's a monologue about the war and how it ended with the bomb, and then an onset of Ebola mutated by the radioactive fallout. Good times. Civilization is collapsing as the police are no longer able to keep control due to attrition of their numbers and the rise in gangs. That's right, the gangs have united and taken over the cities all across the country. Bet you didn't see that one coming.
You got all of that? We're not moving too fast for you here? Gangland is a combination of Mad Max and Warriors. Or maybe Surf Nazis Must Die (though I only managed to watch a half hour or so of Surf Nazis before my brain rebelled.)
Made in 2001, and set approximately 10 years in the future (or last summer), Gangland is a film about war, plague and the break down of human society and how individuals cope. Or at least I think that might be what the writers are telling themselves. Really, the movie seems to ask the age old question. “How many shirtless, muscular dudes can we stuff into leather pants and get on-screen at one time?” The answer, a lot. There are only a few token female breasts (mostly slaves and implied rape victims) and most of the rest of the screen-time is filled with big beefy men. I think that somewhere along the way in the production process a gay man saw 300, and said “I want to do that, but with bikers!” - though there is a major hole in my theory. 300 came five years later. Clearly someone on the team felt that there wasn't nearly enough softcore gay porn available in the world.
Honestly, the more I think about it, the more it seems that Gangland was wrangled by a crew who cut their teeth in porn. In addition to the beefy, mostly naked dudes, they throw in a couple of hot sex-slaves of the Asian persuasion. I think this can be seen as a definite precursor to the later film 300, where the director throws in a red herring to disguise the fact that the audience is viewing Gay Porn. Asian girls in mini-skirts? People running around in leather? Definite Fetish Film!
The movie is littered with symbolism. I don't mean riddled. I mean littered. Someone opened up a proverbial can of symbols and then drenched the script with it. What's a can of symbols? Well it's sort of like a can of whup-ass, only it smells a lot like a jar of Mayo that's been sitting in the sun for a week. To start out we have a conflict between Coolio and Ice T. This would be a bit like pairing Cheech Moran with Danny Trejo. Not quite, but close. They're portraying police officers just as the works is really going to hell. One is still a good cop, while the other is becoming corrupted and evil. The beginning of Gangland is almost like an analogy of the Hiphop industry during the 90s. Down to the street brawl that wraps it up!
Enter Lucifer, the new King of Los Angles. The story takes place in LaLaLand, where most of the characters seem intent on fleeing (that is, all non-gang members) to Phoenix. Get it? Oh yeah, that's American subtlety at it's best! But at least they try to add some sub-context. They were thinking about about injecting some deeper meaning into their story. Better luck next time guys, but damn good effort.
Ok, I can accept all of this. I can suspend disbelief, this is how I managed to enjoy Ghosthunters. It's why I watch movies in the first place, to be whisked off to a fantasy world and entertained by the story, if only for a little while. But the movie takes place in Los Angeles. Why are ALL of the gang members white? This is LA, home of the Crips and Bloods. Latinos make up half of the population of the city. Blacks and Asians each make up another ten percent. Where are all the people of color? If the movie was shot in LA, they should have had plenty of available talent. LA is crawling with non-white gangs.
Back is the Harry Potter Heroic Lineup. One smart woman. One slightly above average man as the leader. One really dumb guy to play sidekick to slightly above average man who's the leader. That's ok, since the heros are pitted against utter retards. How can it tell? Imagine you're in a violent street-gang that runs the city and kills civilians for pleasure. You encounter a couple unarmed dooffi(the plural for doofus), on a bridge, standing next to a overheated car. Your gang decides to toy with them a bit, but the doofi show spunk and show their mad kung fu skills. Do you:
A. Join the fray with your bare hands and out Bruce Lee them!
B: Find a stick and go in swinging!
C: SHOOT THEM WITH YOUR FUCKING GUN!
Guess what happened? Guess. Yeah. It got worse, the scene ended tragically with a slow motion extended “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” sequence on the part of one of the heroes. I laughed at this. Does that make me a bad person? There was another point that I laughed at the big dumb guy, at the finish of another scene that was meant to be traumatic. I can't help it, he was one of those dudes who kept up a running commentary, talking and talking, no matter that he had nothing to say. Fuck him, says I, fuck him with a chainsaw wrapped in barbed wire.
The heroes aren't much better than the villains. They were facing a psychopathic gang of thugs who were terrorizing a city. A gang that spent its time slaves and raping and murdering all over the place and generally carrying on ugly. What tactic do the heroes choose? Shoot them in the face so that they can't continue their reign of terror? Nay Nay. Cut their throats with a knife. Never! That might be messy! They just choose to beat the gangsters into submission and then run away.(In fairness, fearless leader did use the dreaded cock-punch technique once) That of course is unless they have a gun. Then they just shoot wildly, firing hundreds of rounds without ever re-loading. I believe in the final confrontation with Lucifer, the Light-Bringer is armed with naught but a six-shooter. After firing at least fifteen rounds, he's overcome and performs his loud and dramatic death, all to the tune of firing another eight shots.
Finally there was the big girl fistfight where Hermione met her nemesis. A statuesque woman clad in tight leather. Because tight leather is the ideal clothing for fighting in. There's no real explanation for any of this. They didn't meet previously, so there's no feud between them that has become more bitter with each encounter. They just randomly meet in the woods and throw down like a couple of men, trading punches and kicks. At no point does either of the combatants go for a titty. Never. Sure that might hurt the actresses, especially since Nemesis clearly is sporting an excess of silicone. One punch and she's down for good. Maybe Hermione ain't so bright after all. Of course intelligence is rather relative, and she's smarter than her two companions.
I think that the writers had a bit too much material for 90 minutes, and had to cut some of the character development. Because man, those boring fight sequences take a lot of time, as the actors keep repeating the same moves over and over and over again.
Clearly Gangland was about 15 years too late. It should have been made in the mid-eighties where it would have been about on par. This isn't the worst movie I've ever seen. In fact it, with the exception of a couple times where I got up and got a beverage, Gangland kept my attention. So, it's entertaining, if stupid. It would have made a fine episode of MST3K.
2/5
Now, what did this movie teach us?
First, a personal lesson. If we're thrown together due to the end of the world, and you're a chatty bitch who is completely incapable of silence for protracted periods(The Big Dumb Guy from the movie). Big dumb guy, with his inability to shut the fuck up, is going to get everyone killed when he Someone who lacks a filter between your ears that prevents you from voicing every flicker of neuro-energy... Then I'm gonna shoot you. In the face. Until I'm completely out of ammunition or you're completely out of face. Whichever happens first. It's either that or you're wearing a ball-gag for the duration. Your choice.
Now for the broader view.
Martial arts. Everyone in the apocalypse seems to have some proficiency of various forms. It would seem that you either need to become a master of Drunken Style KungFu, or pretty effing good at Parkour. One or the other. Preferably both.
Nowhere that I recall was rope used in this movie. The villains used chain in their torture chamber, which is like the evil half-brother of rope. I bet that the heroes would have been much better off if they had carried a few lengths with them and tied some knots. Maybe they wouldn't have had to flee the first battle had they climbed up the side of Lucifer's fortress instead of barging through the front door. But alas, they didn't follow the teachings of Sir Charles of Bronson.
Automotive Mechanics. Big McStupid would have been in a lot better shape if either he, or his brother, knew thing one about cars. Instead, they got trapped on a bridge and molested by a biker gang. Sure, the movie would have taken a different turn. But it would have been a vast improvement.
I do love the post apocalyptic and dystopian genres. Almost as much as I love to state the obvious. Movies, books, comics or daydreams. Whatever takes me away to a time after civilization has fallen. I like the idea of scavenging deserted cities in a post-apocalyptic future. Cities where only gangs roam. Zombies, or plagues, or alien invasions. Blah, blah blag. I'll give just about any title in the genre a go. This is a sickness, I know. Netflix doesn't help either. They have tons of movies available any time of the day. Netflix is one horrible enabler for a sad wretch like myself. Oh baby, just one more hit for me before I hit the road.
Hell, do it in Lego and we'll be good.
Add this to the fact that I have netflix, and the ability to stream many low budget films instantly. It has to be low budget too, since in most cases the Post-Apocalyptic genre is at the fringes of popular culture. I have to imagine that it's difficult to get proper funding. Still, Gangland had some sort of budget to work with. It wasn't large, but they were a professional crew, and not a bunch of amateur college students.
Gangland starts out with some stock footage of nuclear weapons going off. There's a monologue about the war and how it ended with the bomb, and then an onset of Ebola mutated by the radioactive fallout. Good times. Civilization is collapsing as the police are no longer able to keep control due to attrition of their numbers and the rise in gangs. That's right, the gangs have united and taken over the cities all across the country. Bet you didn't see that one coming.
You got all of that? We're not moving too fast for you here? Gangland is a combination of Mad Max and Warriors. Or maybe Surf Nazis Must Die (though I only managed to watch a half hour or so of Surf Nazis before my brain rebelled.)
Made in 2001, and set approximately 10 years in the future (or last summer), Gangland is a film about war, plague and the break down of human society and how individuals cope. Or at least I think that might be what the writers are telling themselves. Really, the movie seems to ask the age old question. “How many shirtless, muscular dudes can we stuff into leather pants and get on-screen at one time?” The answer, a lot. There are only a few token female breasts (mostly slaves and implied rape victims) and most of the rest of the screen-time is filled with big beefy men. I think that somewhere along the way in the production process a gay man saw 300, and said “I want to do that, but with bikers!” - though there is a major hole in my theory. 300 came five years later. Clearly someone on the team felt that there wasn't nearly enough softcore gay porn available in the world.
Honestly, the more I think about it, the more it seems that Gangland was wrangled by a crew who cut their teeth in porn. In addition to the beefy, mostly naked dudes, they throw in a couple of hot sex-slaves of the Asian persuasion. I think this can be seen as a definite precursor to the later film 300, where the director throws in a red herring to disguise the fact that the audience is viewing Gay Porn. Asian girls in mini-skirts? People running around in leather? Definite Fetish Film!
The movie is littered with symbolism. I don't mean riddled. I mean littered. Someone opened up a proverbial can of symbols and then drenched the script with it. What's a can of symbols? Well it's sort of like a can of whup-ass, only it smells a lot like a jar of Mayo that's been sitting in the sun for a week. To start out we have a conflict between Coolio and Ice T. This would be a bit like pairing Cheech Moran with Danny Trejo. Not quite, but close. They're portraying police officers just as the works is really going to hell. One is still a good cop, while the other is becoming corrupted and evil. The beginning of Gangland is almost like an analogy of the Hiphop industry during the 90s. Down to the street brawl that wraps it up!
Enter Lucifer, the new King of Los Angles. The story takes place in LaLaLand, where most of the characters seem intent on fleeing (that is, all non-gang members) to Phoenix. Get it? Oh yeah, that's American subtlety at it's best! But at least they try to add some sub-context. They were thinking about about injecting some deeper meaning into their story. Better luck next time guys, but damn good effort.
Ok, I can accept all of this. I can suspend disbelief, this is how I managed to enjoy Ghosthunters. It's why I watch movies in the first place, to be whisked off to a fantasy world and entertained by the story, if only for a little while. But the movie takes place in Los Angeles. Why are ALL of the gang members white? This is LA, home of the Crips and Bloods. Latinos make up half of the population of the city. Blacks and Asians each make up another ten percent. Where are all the people of color? If the movie was shot in LA, they should have had plenty of available talent. LA is crawling with non-white gangs.
Back is the Harry Potter Heroic Lineup. One smart woman. One slightly above average man as the leader. One really dumb guy to play sidekick to slightly above average man who's the leader. That's ok, since the heros are pitted against utter retards. How can it tell? Imagine you're in a violent street-gang that runs the city and kills civilians for pleasure. You encounter a couple unarmed dooffi(the plural for doofus), on a bridge, standing next to a overheated car. Your gang decides to toy with them a bit, but the doofi show spunk and show their mad kung fu skills. Do you:
A. Join the fray with your bare hands and out Bruce Lee them!
B: Find a stick and go in swinging!
C: SHOOT THEM WITH YOUR FUCKING GUN!
Guess what happened? Guess. Yeah. It got worse, the scene ended tragically with a slow motion extended “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” sequence on the part of one of the heroes. I laughed at this. Does that make me a bad person? There was another point that I laughed at the big dumb guy, at the finish of another scene that was meant to be traumatic. I can't help it, he was one of those dudes who kept up a running commentary, talking and talking, no matter that he had nothing to say. Fuck him, says I, fuck him with a chainsaw wrapped in barbed wire.
The heroes aren't much better than the villains. They were facing a psychopathic gang of thugs who were terrorizing a city. A gang that spent its time slaves and raping and murdering all over the place and generally carrying on ugly. What tactic do the heroes choose? Shoot them in the face so that they can't continue their reign of terror? Nay Nay. Cut their throats with a knife. Never! That might be messy! They just choose to beat the gangsters into submission and then run away.(In fairness, fearless leader did use the dreaded cock-punch technique once) That of course is unless they have a gun. Then they just shoot wildly, firing hundreds of rounds without ever re-loading. I believe in the final confrontation with Lucifer, the Light-Bringer is armed with naught but a six-shooter. After firing at least fifteen rounds, he's overcome and performs his loud and dramatic death, all to the tune of firing another eight shots.
Finally there was the big girl fistfight where Hermione met her nemesis. A statuesque woman clad in tight leather. Because tight leather is the ideal clothing for fighting in. There's no real explanation for any of this. They didn't meet previously, so there's no feud between them that has become more bitter with each encounter. They just randomly meet in the woods and throw down like a couple of men, trading punches and kicks. At no point does either of the combatants go for a titty. Never. Sure that might hurt the actresses, especially since Nemesis clearly is sporting an excess of silicone. One punch and she's down for good. Maybe Hermione ain't so bright after all. Of course intelligence is rather relative, and she's smarter than her two companions.
I think that the writers had a bit too much material for 90 minutes, and had to cut some of the character development. Because man, those boring fight sequences take a lot of time, as the actors keep repeating the same moves over and over and over again.
Clearly Gangland was about 15 years too late. It should have been made in the mid-eighties where it would have been about on par. This isn't the worst movie I've ever seen. In fact it, with the exception of a couple times where I got up and got a beverage, Gangland kept my attention. So, it's entertaining, if stupid. It would have made a fine episode of MST3K.
2/5
Now, what did this movie teach us?
First, a personal lesson. If we're thrown together due to the end of the world, and you're a chatty bitch who is completely incapable of silence for protracted periods(The Big Dumb Guy from the movie). Big dumb guy, with his inability to shut the fuck up, is going to get everyone killed when he Someone who lacks a filter between your ears that prevents you from voicing every flicker of neuro-energy... Then I'm gonna shoot you. In the face. Until I'm completely out of ammunition or you're completely out of face. Whichever happens first. It's either that or you're wearing a ball-gag for the duration. Your choice.
Now for the broader view.
Martial arts. Everyone in the apocalypse seems to have some proficiency of various forms. It would seem that you either need to become a master of Drunken Style KungFu, or pretty effing good at Parkour. One or the other. Preferably both.
Nowhere that I recall was rope used in this movie. The villains used chain in their torture chamber, which is like the evil half-brother of rope. I bet that the heroes would have been much better off if they had carried a few lengths with them and tied some knots. Maybe they wouldn't have had to flee the first battle had they climbed up the side of Lucifer's fortress instead of barging through the front door. But alas, they didn't follow the teachings of Sir Charles of Bronson.
Automotive Mechanics. Big McStupid would have been in a lot better shape if either he, or his brother, knew thing one about cars. Instead, they got trapped on a bridge and molested by a biker gang. Sure, the movie would have taken a different turn. But it would have been a vast improvement.
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