Machines for the Mechanically uninclined(or lazy)

Mechanical competence isn't within my realm of experience. I know one end of a screwdriver from the other, but I have had very little actual practice getting my hands dirty. I am not a gear-head and when automotive mechanics tell me something, I just have to take their word for it (rather than fake understanding and offer banal banter). I would like to remedy this glaring failing upon my part but lack the time or energy. Or even the resources. Maybe I just have a case of the dumb. One of my favorite shows is Mythbusters. They so well combine entertainment with education. I know just enough to get a glimmer of what they're doing, while remaining ignorant enough to make them seem a Cabal of Magicians Extraordinaire. They combine a working knowledge of physics, chemistry and mechanical know-how to engineer their way past problems presented with myths (rocket cars, the myriad uses of duct tape and steam-powered machine guns). And then they invent problems to solve, usually with explosives. Yes, the Mythbusters love to make things go boom. Really, if you haven't seen the show, you're missing out. They make science cool. God Damn, why couldn't they have existed when I was in Jr High and High School? All we had back then was reruns of MacGyver and the A-Team. Cool enough for the 80s I suppose, but they were totally lacking a Kari Byron* stand-in. *Dear Kari Byron, I know that you're married and have kids, but you're still a Geek Sex Goddess as far as I am concerned. Well, this is a post-apocalyptic skills blog, so where does this bring me? Wishing desperately to emulate my heroes I suppose. I think I've mentioned the importance of engineering and a grasp of physics and the like in past posts. If I haven't, then I've thought about doing so. When I do get around to those topics, you can bet that I will drone on endlessly about the Mythbusters. Fair warning. They blow shit up. But around 50 posts over the course of 2 years, It's difficult to keep track of what I've done. I have been for the last few years assembling a library of books that may be helpful in the chaotic end times. Mostly this is a research library for my zombie books. Also, I look forward to the day when I can go out and kick it Thoreau-school and get my Self-reliance on. But I tend to get volumes on subjects that I'm interested, and my interests are both broad and shallow. I'm like a child in a room full of sparkley objects. Book review time! I found the book Basic Machines and How They Work on the Amazon. I was of course scouring their stock for more possible additions to the library. It went onto the wishlist directly, though I put off ordering for months. But anyhow, I have returned to this fascinating field. Sort of. And for me, this book seemed a great choice to get going. I feel that I was right in the decision to finally pick it up. I've not been disappointed in the least. Basic Machines makes a decent Wannabe Mythbuster primer. It was written by the Navy for their ranks of enlisted sailors. You don't need to know advance math to work the equations and the book walks you through them step by step. Good for me, as math wasn't my strong point. I wasn't bad at it, but I was lazy(still am) and didn't have the ambition or curiosity back then to stretch in that direction. Guess this is why I majored in Art and History in college and avoided the hard sciences. The author starts out with those basic machines that I know and recognize from my days in elementary school as a small child. The lever, wheel, wedge, screw and so forth. How they can be used to make work easier – in real world applications so that anyone may understand. With plenty of illustrations for even the thickest grunt to comprehend. There are 13 chapters, ranging from the previously mentioned first one on Levers all the way up through Internal Combustion Engines and Power Trains(12 and 13 respectively). You will know more on the operation of Block and Tackle than you thought possible. I haven't finished the book, so maybe my praise is premature. But, I doubt it. I have skimmed the later passages and dropped in to read blocks of text. I really look forward to finishing the rest of the volume. The only gripe I have is with the cover. Three interlocking gears. It seems to me that trying to operate them would make the mechanism lock up. But maybe I can't visualize it properly. Thank you Naval Department for this excellent work. So much knowledge for so cheap.

Swords, not words!

I like swords, and have since I was a kid. I think I've voiced that sentiment before. HeMan was my hero and he packed a magic sword. As was Luke Skywalker. Ninjas? They're all about swords. My childhood was awash in swords. We used to take those pointed sticks that are used as construction markers and pretend that they were swords. I had a sizable armory of various stick when it came down to it. I am still amazed that we never got hurt.

Swords and giant transformable robots. You can guess, Voltron – a giant transformable robot who packed a sword - was my childhood obsession for a couple of years after hearing the older kids talk about it.

In high school I “Collected Knives” - This should be read as “I bought whatever shitty and cheap knives came my way. And I really wanted to by a ninja sword for a bunch of eyars. I still have part of my collection. It makes me sad.

One of my burning desires as a youth was to get my hands on my very own sword. I never did get around to buying a sword, as by the time I had the money there were more important things to buy, and I also learned that the swords I could afford weren't worth spending the money on(do not, ever, buy a sword that is made of stainless steel. Wall hanging fantasy pieces are just that).

This being said, I have never myself owned a sword. I am a failure as an adult. I have money. I still like swords. I enjoy watching the Cold Steel Demo videos over on youtube. (look them up if you haven't seen them, they feature a large dude cleaving household with swords – all set to heavy guitar riffs). You would think that somewhere along the way I'd have been willing to drop a couple hundred dollars to secure myself a passable length of sharpened steel.

When the apocalypse comes, I'm hoping it'll be one that features swords. Maybe against zombies, or perhaps a nuclear scoured wasteland roamed by Sir Patrick Swayze Knight Errant.

This all brings us to the point, an addition to my Post Apocalyptic Survival library.

The Beginner's Guide to the Long Sword. I found this volume in the local library when searching out European Martial arts. I had watched a documentary on the perception of swords in our society on Netflix and re-discovered a flicker of interest in swords. Especially the aspect of actually learning to use a sword as a weapon. Learning the martial art rather than just joining a re-creationist society. Eff Theater, I'm about the practical.

Anyhow, I borrowed the aforementioned book and then acquired a personal copy to add to the library on a permanent basis.

The book covers the European Longsword, commonly called a Bastard Sword. The blade is around 3 feet long and is balanced to use with one hand and a shield, but the handle is also long enough to grip with two hands for further leverage and striking power. The top third of the blade is sharpened, while the remainder is left dull. This combination allows the wielder to take a hold of the blade for either powerful thrusts or to use the cross-guard as a hammer/bludgeon(especially useful against foes in plate-armor). Goto the wiki page for details about the weapon and its history.

Here is a slim and straight-forward volume that is heavily illustrated (with photographs, a picture is worth a thousand words) for ease of use. The language is easy and clear. The author is a seasoned martial artist with 20 years of experience. He covers the history of the sword as well as a list of gear for aspiring blade-masters.

The one down-side I think is that he doesn't cover the full range of the weapon. Mostly he focuses on using the blade and leaves aside strikes with the hilt and pommel. But then, it is a book for beginners and a fairly good introduction to the subject I think.

I've yet to put the new-found knowledge to use. I lack anyone to practice with and the energy to go out and find a group. I think that the book would be a good place to start learning how to use the sword. Most people are on about the same level when it comes to martial arts. They have a good idea which part of the weapon to hold and which is the sharp end. Assuming a lack of time-travel to ye old Midvealy times where the use of this class of weaponry is well know, I think that the book will be an excellent primer for technique. After which skill can be forged with practice and experience.

Now all I need is a sword.

Well done Siffee channel.

2012 Zombie Apocalypse

Warning: for the length of this post sarcasm will probably be indistinguishable from praise. I can't tell what I mean either.

Ah Netflix, my horrible enabler, you know me so well. I found this little gem in one of the 'you liked(watched) X so try Y' strings that Netflix is so infamous for. I have noticed that they sometimes make rather bizarre connections for their suggestions. But hey, I do like zombie movies and I do watch low budget flicks. This one is just my own damned fault. One day, Netflix will become sentient and it will look at my queue and history. And on that day my queue will disappear and be replaced with Shaun of the Dead.

From the get go, with the appearance of the Siffee(SyFy) logo, I knew I was in for quite a treat. I had found one of those delightful saturday morning films that the Siffee(the new name is functionally retarded and unnecessary, but what do you expect when a channel that features Science Fiction resorts to airing Professional Wrestling? Fooey and P'shaw) and it was about zombies! Of course I'm going to watch, I hate my brain too much not to.

I nearly turned it off after the intro. Standard zombie apocalypse, or even general plague outbreak movie premise. Outbreak begins and spreads and civilization collapses as people start dying (and getting up again) in the hundreds of millions. The outbreak began overseas, and was finally imported into the USA via Iowa. The geographic center of the country, well away from the borders and airports that might... No, must not over think this. Zombie movies don't have to make sense, they're about the dead coming back to life and attacking the living.

The military responds by blowing up bridges and roads to cut the arteries of traffic and stop the infection from spreading. This apparently didn't work because they end up unleashing Electromagnetic Pulses on the planet to stop the infected from traveling. Grrrrr. What a weak plot device to get the characters out and on their feet. Those who are bitten usually turn in a matter of minutes. Infected won't be traveling too far via those bad-assed Corvettes that they stole in their feeble last minutes of life. To me, this strategy would merely cripple the survivors and undermine their chances. After all, zombies also don't use phones or any other electronics. I think that they could have explained that reasoning better. Were survivors trying to whisk away their zombified loved ones in cars in the vein of Dawn of the Dead or Island of the Dead?

As such, it didn't make sense and that sticks in my craw. Nearly stopped the movie right there. But that sort of thing is what I expect in a Siffee movie. I've actually considered writing a script with the idea of making a Siffee made for tv movie, just for fun, and taking full advantage of the laxity to see what I could get away with. And you know that cliché where the Black guy always dies? Well this movie was a three-fer.

After the intro the movie opens a lot like the original Day of the Dead. It offers a good way to introduce the uninitiated into the lore of the zombie apocalypse. The dangers of being bitten. The only sure way to kill a zombie.

I nearly stopped the movie during the first fight scene when they whipped out the bad CGI effects. They just don't look right, and when poorly done they're just laughable. I have no idea what these things cost, but people have been using practical effects for years in low budget films. It seems a cop-out to me to skip that stage and just throw some 'eye-candy' in afterwards. Hopefully this phase is dying out and they recover the lost arts.

2012 offers a combination of zombie dynamics that I don't like. The fast zombie. And the zombie that is capable of learning. I like my zombies slow and dumb. Mostly because I am slow and dumb. I like the pressure of the millions of walking corpses that you can run from now but they will keep on coming and never give up. I think that this makes for a better atmosphere of horror. Though since I use it in my own stories I may be partial to the format. Despite what Romero says, I don't see zombies ever getting smarter. This movie presents them laying ambushes and actually dodging out of the way.

A philosophical nit-pick, and really it didn't take away from my enjoyment of the movie. I've stepped into their world and these are the rules that they chose to follow. At least the zombies didn't sparkle. Nor were they able to walk up walls and over ceilings( fuck you Day of the Dead “remake” Fuck you with a chainsaw!)

There were a number of good ideas in the movie that I really liked, and it avoided some traps that I've seen in other low budget flicks. Such as, aside from a wickedly tight pair of pants on the female lead, the women didn't dress skanky. And none of them were sporting shoes with high heels. There is a discussion of the advantages of bows over guns, and the disadvantages too. Clearly this screenplay was written by a zombie geek. Kudos my nerd brother.

I often contemplate the paradox involved in movies. By in large the people are pretty. Especially the women. This is a double-edge sword for me. On one hand it ruins the believability and prevents me from surrendering to the fantasy world that the film is working to create. If you have four women in your party and all of them range from pretty to beautiful, then... where do I go in life to have this mixture of beauty? My paranoia kicks in and this makes me wonder, did the menfolk just leave the ugmos as zombie bait? It adds another, darker layer, to my understanding of the film.

But then, we are all surrounded by the mundane, and the male actors aren't too bad looking either. Really, I come to the reverse edge, which is that I want to see pretty women on the screen. It may be that primitive part of my brain, but I am inclined to be interested in the fate of a hottie. Boobies > character development in an action movie. Who are we kidding, this was an action movie and we can't really expect the characters to grow and change in the span of a 90 minute slaughterfest.

They gave the Asian girl a samurai sword. Another cliché. I have a problem with the samurai sword on the simple fact that I have never seen a good one. The only swords I've really encountered in my travels have all been display models that are made of stainless steel. There must be well made and fully functional swords out there, but they have got to be rare and difficult to lay your hands on.

I would really like to see a movie where the filmmakers gave the actors a large trove of weapons and objects that could be used as weapons and then said “What do you think your character would use. What would you use?” And then let them puzzle it out. They also gave the characters armor. Laughable stuff such as shoulder-pads for football and shin guards.

Another minor peeve, the characters(actors) seemed to have been fairly clean all things considered. Their costumes were clean and intact. You would think that after months of walking, even with stops to raid stores

As it is, I watched the entire move all the way through. It was low budget and the CGI was annoying, but the movie was fun, the dialogue didn't make me groan, and it felt like a philosophical discussion/argument by the writer. I hate to give a back-handed compliment, but for a Siffee movie it was good. For a low budget zombie movie it was good.

Chemicals and cuts.

The wonders of healing.

Well, I already did a write-up on herb lore, and that post was hella-popular in Germany. I don't know why, I assume that it was a single individual hitting the post over and over again every day for a month. Or at least that's how I like to imagine the happening.

Anyhow, herbs have been seen to. But this leaves a large section of the healing arts untouched. It goes to assume that in the apocalypse people will take injury or become sick. All that extra stress, and those falling chunks of asteroids are going to play havoc on our delicate nerves. I swear I get the vapors just thinking about it all.

Medical science has expanded explosively over the last century. We've gone from 'bad air causes disease' to discovering the actual parasite culprits of so many of our woes. We've even managed to find ways to combat many of them, though as they grow and evolve they step beyond our current technology. Hey, it is highly possible that we've created our own apocalypse with these bounds in knowledge and technology. Honestly, our species has yet to fully understand the workings of our own bodies, and a little knowledge is dangerous indeed as we jump around and try to form hypothesis to explain observations.

Modern medicine, first aid aside, seems to be easily divided into two major categories. Cutting and chemicals. Surgery or Pharmacy. From what I've seen of those many delightful Hospital dramas, either one route or the other is often taken. Well, I admit that Dr. House might not be the best source of information on the subject. Shock I know, but it appears that sometimes television writers don't always do silly things like letting little things like Facts get in their way of telling a good story.

P'Shaw!

From my understanding there is usually two different approaches taken in day to day medicine. Either the patient is cut into through the delicate are of surgery or they are prescribed chemicals to alter the body's function. These are the two major approaches, broadly grouped, in the Western medical tradition. Once again, I am probably forgetting something but it's getting late and I'm tired. Plus, I really don't much pay attention to the medical profession. I don't think I can articulate the divide that well, as I do not Grok. But regardless, medicine and medical care are important. More so when the world becomes more dangerous. Unless the zombies have risen, then you'll wish you'd put your time into studying some proper marksmanship.

But for the rest...

There are so many different routes to take here and they all work together in a complex and interconnected fashion. First you have the doctors and other hospital staff. They diagnose any disorders and offer a plan for treatment. Be it “Acquire use this medicine” or “see this specialist for more options cause I'm out of my league.” Then you have the specialist fields, too many of which to name. Then there are the Nurses and Physicians Assistants and the rest of the crew who make up a functioning hospital. I really have no idea what they all do.

Ok, after six hours of waiting you've had your fifteen minutes of face time with the physician. Sweet. He told you to go pick up some chemical compound to help alleviate your symptoms. Cue a visit to the Pharmacist. Pharmacists(RPH) spend the same amount of time in school as do doctors. Though I think that their post-school fellowship is far shorter by a matter of years. The RPH specializes in all the chemicals that are produced as medication, and how those chemicals might interact with one another as well as with the human body. Most drugs have side-effects, some of which are unpleasant to say the least. As with many complicated systems, the more layers you add the more that can go wrong. This is where a good pharmacist comes in handy here and now.

In my writing I work under the assumption that some of the world's infrastructure will survive, and this means hospitals and pharmacies with parts of their stock and equipment will be there intact. I do mean part, as such places will probably be ransacked by the mob when things turn ugly. If you're part of that mob, how much more helpful to be able to tell the difference between Oxycodone, oxycotin and oxyclean? Yeah, that is a problem with medications, many of them have similar names, and most have radically different applications. No good for you you're looting a pharmacy to clear up a headache and take that shiny red caplet that cleans out constipation.

The problem here, is that both approaches involve years upon years of training and many of the areas of knowledge that lie under these branches are extremely specialized. The human body is far to complicated for most human beings to master more than a small piece of it's workings and mystery. In my years I've only gone so far to plumb the depths of it's secret workings to learn that sticking one's finger down their throat leads to unpleasant consequences(though funny in the right setting). I don't really have any interest in learning more about medicine – let alone devoting the next ten years of my life to learning the ropes of the profession. I'm a dabbler and that path is far to specialized.

My normal plan of “Buy book, read book when issue emerges” probably won't pay off this time around. PLAN B – locate and befriend a slew of medical professionals and hope that they survive the blast. Get plenty of vitamins and exercise in the meantime.

Plan B sucks.

One Day You Too Could be a Badassed Biker

Transportation after the Apocalypse, the topic comes up quite often around here. I assume that there will be a point sometime after the collapse of society where you might want to get out of your basement bunker and go out and get some sun while seeing the remnants of the world. Maybe you'll be looking for some food that doesn't come from a can and is covered in brown 'gravy' or a working flux capacitor or some new nudie mags. You know, the necessities of life.

As you emerge and decide to wander the ruined face of the planet a mode of reliable transportation other than your own feet could be highly desirable. After months in the dark and dank dungeonesque confines, you might not be an efficient ambler. And even if you are, your foraging will be limited by how much you can carry. There is a reason why humans worked so hard to tame horses. And then have since gone onto building greater and more powerful modes of transport.

I've discussed the topic before in a previous post. I don't recall what option I backed at the time.

Hundreds of Millions, of not Billions of people all around the world use bicycles for their routine transportation needs. The Bicycle has been popular for more than a hundred years. Owning and learning to ride a bicycle is a rite of passage for many American children, especially those who live in suburban or rural areas. As a kid it seemed to take an hour to walk even a mile. I attribute this to the fact that children have short legs and a poor sense of time. A bike gives a child some freedom as their horizons expand.

Learning was intimidating as a child. My first bike was black with yellow highlights and came with training wheels. I would wish that the rest of life had training wheels, if I knew what the wish meant. Sounds absurd right?

It is possible to install a small engine to transform them into Motorcycles. This makes the bicycle fantastically adaptable.

I know how to ride a bike. I picked up the skill when I was six, though I'm not too practiced these days. I have a car for long distance travel and prefer my to have my feet on the ground for exercise purposes. I loved my bike as a kid, and had at least one stolen, mostly due to my own lack of care – a hard lesson learned for a 9 year old. My bike sits in storage waiting the final days, where it will remain until it is needed.

The pros: A bicycle is quiet and has unlimited energy. They're light enough to carry up stairs. Mechanically they're really simple and easy to maintain and repair. No additional and exotic fuel is necessary to operate them, just human food. Riding a bike can be fantastic exercise, good for the legs and heart.

Cons: they are relatively slow when compared to either motorcycles or horses. Lots of physical labor, and thus burned calories – calories you may need to survive. The helmets look stupid, even for Wasteland-Chic, unless you're the dorky side-kick and comic relief. There are lighter load limits for baggage, and I'm a hoarder.

In one of the recent issues of Popular Mechanics, there was an article about various motorcycles. They were off-road and Highway hybrids. Bikes built to handle both sets of terrain reasonably well. The article sparked a desire in my heart that my brain quickly quashed, and that is to buy one of these bikes and tour the country.

I would like to learn how to ride a motorcycle. Sort of. Maybe. Really, all the coolest post-apocalyptic survivors wear spiked leather, a cod piece and power around on motorcycles. They have canned dog food for lunch and rape for dinner – because Fuck Sky Cake! I want to be a cool PA survivor, fit in and all that.

I suspect, and mind I've not put the theory to practice, but all the credits I took as a kid in riding a bicycle should be easily transferred to the new school. There are the balance and physics issues that have been hardwired into my brain since childhood – sure there are greater speeds and weights involved – I think of it as an advanced course.

A scary advanced course.

What I worry about is the fact that I have a short attention span, and a tendency to let my mind drift off. Add this to my innate clumsiness and Zipping along on a two-wheeled nightmare of death. I have a feeling that there will be explosions in my future. Motorcycles can be extremely fast. This isn't a good factor to throw into the ring. This fear remains in my mind even as I sit in my living room and type this.

Here's what I am trying to find out: Where do I go to take lessons in motorcycling? And how much do those classes cost? There are driving schools, and piloting schools. Schools for handgun use. Sure there must be some community college somewhere that teaches hacks like me about wrestling a hog.

Pros: Fast. Small. Workhorse. Excellent fuel economy(some of the smaller bikes get 90mpg – the larger ones range around 45 to 60). Highly Mobile over a variety of terrain where an automobile could never pass. Intimidation/cool/rogue factor – you just look good straddling a bike. Skills from riding a bicycle apply.

Cons: Difficult to repair/maintain. Heavy and difficult to move when the engine isn't working. Loud. Limited baggage and few passengers. More difficult than a bicycle to operate.

You know what I like about cars? That metal cage to protect me. I like that they keep the elements off, they're like a rolling shelter. They can even carry more of my possessions. But I will let my car go for a bike of some sort.

Look at the Puppy!

Who doesn't like puppies? Well, I'm not too fond of them. They're cute but slobbery and needy. Then pets in general do require a lot of time and attention. And people too. Time that I could be devoting to internet porn. Stupid distractions taking time away from the important things in life.

I'm not really a dog person. I'd make a fine hermit if I could swing it. So long as I could get DSL hooked up in my cave.

But, when comes the apocalypse there will come a sad day when that connection to the net will become spotty at best. People and pets will become important replacements for companionship when you (I) lose the low-budget pixelated goodness that was so often relied upon in the past. Sad day.

What can a well trained dog do that porn can't? There are so many blue responses to that question, that I shall refrain from uttering even a one. You however may knock yourselves out.

Humanity's relationship with Canines began some 15,000 years ago. Unless you're a new earth biblical literalist, then it began sometime between yesterday and 6000 years ago. Anyhow, Canines are pack animals with a hierarchy that humans subsumed and took over in those last few thousand years before the rise of civilization.

The Human-Canine pairing has been an extremely beneficial partnership to both species. We are slightly more intelligent and have opposable thumbs which allow us to operate doors, vehicles and can-openers while they're talents lie in peeing on things (Even the best human isn't a tenth as talented as a dog in this arena), with extraordinarily sharp senses of smell and hearing.

Dogs are swift and tireless runners with hearing that extends well beyond our range and a sense of smell that dwarfs our own. As previously stated. This would make them valuable in the activities of hunting and sentry duty. As anyone out there with a dog can attest, especially when there is a particularly bad infestation of squirrels to be dealt with. They are ever alert and willing to protect the borders of their yards from incursions. They have in the past been used as pest control (rats and other varmints)

In addition to that, they're affectionate and obedient – which are the two traits that most of modern humanity seems to praise in their animal companionship. Dogs give the illusion of always loving their pack leaders/owners no matter what kind of an asshole you are. You always have the dog. I personally don't like that sort of slavishness in pet or person. I want some level of self-reliance in those around me.

But this is what they have been bred for. Some of them. Others seem to exist for celebutants to haul around in their purses. There are literally hundreds of breeds of dogs – all of which, no matter the shape and size, can interbreed with one another.. For those last fifteen thousand years, we've been selecting the traits that we like and reinforcing them. As such there is a breed for about every purpose imaginable. From herding to guarding to sitting on laps and barking at the neighbors.

As such, many breeds have become overbred and inbred to the point of weakness and collapse as their gene pool is narrowed to a very small spectrum. They have developed genetic psychological and physiological problems. I think I would prefer some solid and heavily mixed mutt. It is quite amazing how widely this species has been altered. Chihuahuas and Saint Bernards are part of the same species(and they would make some bizarre puppies).

When the chosen cataclysm arrives their acute senses will once again rise into ascension. Dogs will no longer be companions, but pack members. Where they belong.

Have I won you over to the dog's cause yet?

The one trick to having a dog around is that they, like humans, need to be trained. They need to be taught to crap outdoors and not to steal food from the table. They need to be instructed that the mailman is our friend. Many breeds of dogs are very clever and intelligent, about as much so as human children. They can understand words and tone, and are able to communicate in their own way. They're pack animals, but also creatures with needs and desires of their own. They understand fairness, if not equality. Many exhibit a range emotions beyond even the capabilities of some humans.

They will be a valuable addition to any pack, with aforementioned training. Consistent treatment. Dogs needs discipline, exercise and affection, in that order.

I must say, I know jack about training a dog. I've seen several episodes of the Dog Whisperer, but I've never put the man's teachings into practice. One day, perhaps, when I have a place to live that can bear a dog's inhabitation more than my small apartment. Then, I'll be joining the masses in teaching my puppy useless tricks. - I'm not a terrible fan of dogs, but for some reason I do want one, because in the end, I do like them.

Quoth the Bruce: Hooch for the Pooch

Wine, whiskey, beer. Booze. The Nectar of the Gods.

I am a teetotaler. I shall admit this right away. I'll let Penn Jillette explain it for you. Though my folks weren't teetotalers. And I've tasted wine and beer. I use wine for cooking – tip, it makes foods taste better. I've never at all been interested in getting drunk. Many of my friends and family are fond of imbibing.

On with it.

Aside from the obvious intoxicant purposes, Ethanol has many beneficial uses. Cooking was mentioned above. Alcohol can be burned in an internal combustion engine as a source of fuel. In strong enough concentrations it can be used as a relatively harmless anti-biotic on human skin as it kills bacteria and viruses on contact.

When consumed by humans and other animals it has a profound chemical effect on the brain and alters the function. This is why it has been prized by Western society for the last 10,000 years. In many societies, the English Royal Navy being one, booze was a part of the daily rations. It provides both the pleasant effects and also acts as a source of fuel for the human body. Alcohol is high in carbohydrates. The side effect being a tendency for it to be turned into fat in the human body. Think “Beer Gut”.

Alcohol is a liquid formed by the fermentation of various types of plant matter. Basically, a natural group of fungii feed on the sugar in fruits and grains and created the bi-product that is ethanol(among others, but ethanol is the one that humans consume for pleasure). That's right, alcohol is the excrement of mushrooms. This makes the first type of alcohol. Beer and wine are the most notable.

Step two, which is optional, is distilling the liquid. This involves slowly boiling the mixture in a still and separating the alcohol from the rest of the mixture and thus concentrating it. This is the process that they use to make the hard liquors such as whiskey and other spirits such as vodka and brandy.

Depending on the type of Apocalypse(come on Zombies!) there may be a plethora of available booze to choose from for years to come. Some of it gets better with time, for a while at least. But it can be expected that most alcohol will have a fairly long and stable shelf-life. How long? I don't know. Too many factors including how the bottles are arranged when they're stored, light and humidity. It seems that keeping the confection away from light and at a constant and relatively cool temperature is suggested by those in the know.

As a teetotaler why would I ever go into the alcohol business? Well there's the chance that I might gain appreciation for the nectar. But this is unlikely. Other people will want booze though. Humanity likes to drink when times are good and loves the sauce when times are bad. Getting drunk is escapism – and should be much more in demand if the world truly goes to hell.

Trade though is the biggest reason. If you've seen Romero's movie Land of the Dead, there is a scene where some of the scavengers raid a liquor store to trade to the folks back home. Which in and of itself is believable. The part that I can't buy is that society in the movie is still employing Yankee Geenbacks. Paper money is abundant and its value will be nothing after a cataclysm. Gold and gemstones are about the same, as any one of hundreds of jewelry stores across the continent will be rife with the sparklies. None of which have any real value and instead are more a symbol of wealth. They're tokens or coupons.

With a crash of currency, will come a barter economy. Skills and goods. Skills to make goods.

This is to say, booze will sell well and it's a fine trade item that, if you have the right knowledge and equipment, you can restock with relative ease. And unless the wastelands are taken over by overly moral religious zealots then booze will be eternally popular. If the zealots do take control, booze will still be popular, just more dangerous to deal in.

Urban Survival Guide I just read this, he has quite a list of different trade items to stockpile. Peruse at your leisure. Mind, he is quite serious about the subject.

If you want to practice now, there are widely available home brewing and wine making kits. They range from $25 on up. What makes one better than another, I admit no clue.

Pottery, it's like magic for the easily impressed.

I majored in ceramics in college and got my BFA in it. My second major was History, I added History as the practical option just in case the whole 'artist thing' didn't pan out for me. Then I'd just 'eff this' and be a Historian.

Are you laughing yet?

I make poor life choices. It's funny. I actually graduated with 210+ credits. My degree called for 140. Basic math says that I could have cashed in those 70 credits for a third major, and would have been 3/4ths the way to a 4th major. Then they took away my financial aid and forced me to graduate. So, I've since been living vicariously through this blog and my local library. (libraries rule!)

But, back to the point. Ceramics. Several of my history teachers made the point that the spread of human civilization can be traced back to one very important invention, the Pottery Wheel. With the food surplus, early human civilizations needed a place to store that food and protect from the elements and any scavengers that might scurry in.

You can also use the products of the pottery wheel to hold food temporarily while transferring it to your face.

Clay is a wonderful substance. It comes from the Earth in abundance and can be used for so many purposes beyond teapots and vases for old people. It can be formed it into any shape and has numerous use. Properly engineered, clay can be used to make both weapons and armor. You can turn it into building materials, the stuff of fortresses.

But none of these processes are either easy or obvious. The pottery trade has been around for millenia, but it still boggles my mind how human beings ever managed to discover so much about the chemistry of working in clay. Clay itself is a mixture of different minerals, as are the glazes that cover the surface. Ceramics is a lot like cooking in some respects, but even more so. If you don't have the correct ingredients in the proper amounts, who knows what your end product will be. Add to that the firing process itself - >

Firing ceramics usually requires a kiln, which itself requires some clever engineering. The most basic kiln is just a hold dug in the earth and filled with fuel and pottery. It is rude and crude, as are the end products. A good kiln needs to be built to withstand temperatures that range up to a couple thousand degrees. They need to be insulated to retain said heat. They need a vent to allow the potter to control the mixture of the internal atmosphere – some stages require that you limit the flow of oxygen in the kiln to get certain effects in the glazes. Kilns are usually fashioned out of special bricks. Building one might take weeks.

I doubt that pottery will be nearly as important for early generations after the Crash. We have mastered Plastic injection technology, which has lead to a plethora of vessels that are excellent for a great many purposes. They can be made airtight in a snap and are lightweight and difficult to break. They never seem to decay and will last forever. Sadly, plastic is a lot harder to manufacture than clay goods, and the raw materials are difficult to lay your hands on. A plastic house is a lot less stout than a brick one. And for food storage, rats and mice can chew their way through the walls of a plastic bin given time. Fired clay, though brittle, is hard as rock, keeping rodents at bay.

Ceramics, they're your friend.

Getting high on jet fuel.

You know, it might be fun to learn how to fly. An aircraft. Learning to fly without one would be one million times more awesome. And one million times less likely. It's like the difference between finding a dollar on the street and winning the lotto.

Well, I think I have a decent grasp of odds, so I shall take what I can get. I think that an aircraft is a bit more in my reach. Though not by much.

With about as much money as it costs to buy a decent motorcycle you can purchase an Ultra Light Aircraft. This is a bare bones vehicle that is some what earthbound and slow compared to say a jumbo-jet. But who the hell cares? $8000 is all it takes to start flying! - This of course is usually for a kit, some assembly required and all that. The full ride will run you twice that, about the price of a compact car.

Now, that's what the actual equipment will run you. Lessons, and storage and fees for using the field. Fuel? That's always expensive. But the costs will all add up. I'm guessing that this is an expensive hobby. I imagine it's a rush. For people who aren't afraid of heights and can pony up the bucks.

For those of you who are poor (or don't like to risk dying) – well I have a partial answer – Flight simulators. Practice, without moving. What's up my lazy brothers and sisters. You can even pretend to get into huge battles against other lazy/poor folk. And then do it all over again. You know how many times the Red Baron shot my ass down? Doesn't matter, cause I got him in the end! It was like 241. But hey, I lived to fly another day, all because I never got into a real plane.

All for the cost of a decent computer, a joystick and the software. I'll assume that most people who may be reading this at least have the first. If you run Linux, you can get the third for free. Leaving a joystick as about the only add on. Hell, the basic level of x-plane will run you around $30.00, and it looks pretty damned amazing. They have incorporated the real world into the game – almost all of the terrain between the Arctic and Antarctic circles. In addition to what seems like a large variety of planes to fly and real world physics.

Inexpensive comes at a cost, and this is in pure practical experience. How do you read the dials? What does actually flying feel like. And any lessons learned from doing stupid shit, might not be taken to heart without the near disaster to hammer them home. - Like many things in life, it can be likened unto sex and masturbation. I'll leave you to fill in the blanks in the comparison.

Then again, you can get away with making really really stupid mistakes.

You all know what flying means. Getting from New York to LA in a few hours instead of a few days. Jumping over the traffic. No greasy diners or skeezy hotel rooms in fly-over country! Well, this all holds for the post-apocalyptic world too. Fast travel when other methods might take a heavy toll on lives.

Navigation will be a challenge. Go a degree or two off course, at 300 mph, and after a couple hours you're hundreds of miles from where you intended to be. When your car runs out of gas, you roll to a stop and then get out and walk. As you've guessed, running out of fuel in an aircraft involves a lot less annoyed rolling and very much more screaming and plummeting. I'm not really a fan of heights or falling quickly to earth. I'll need to look into this, from a distance. Problem two, when you've sorted the fuel issue out, is finding a proper place to land. For now, airports dot the

A way to get around the landing issue, is of course to magic-up yourself a helicopter. They're fast and powerful and can take off and land vertically. Which means you can land on roof tops and forest clearings and the like. Sweet! Oh wait? What will this cost? Well, helicopters are expensive. A used model will run you about as much as a 3 bedroom house, unless you live in Detroit, then ten houses. Helicopters are extremely complex machines that require a ton of maintenance. If you fail in that, keep in mind that they lack any sort of real gliding capability. - Add that to the fact that Helicopters seem to be difficult to learn how to fly – and you have yourself a specialty aircraft.

A nice mix? The Auto-gyro. Technology from the early XXth century, which involves a unpowered rotor blade al la the Helicopter, that spins as the vehicle is pushed or pulled forward, this creating lift. And if the engine goes out? Then you have a glider. It seems to be a simple machine when compared to it's compatriots, making it easy to build and maintain – and though it isn't VTOL like the helicopter, it doesn't need nearly as much space to take off and land. And you think that isn't cool enough? Well, keep in mind that James Bond used one in You Only Live Twice. Sean Connery/James Bond's seal of approval.

Go out and buy one today!

Where does all this jibber-jabber apply to the real world? Or at least how we imagine the real world to look after the Flash? What better way to avoid wastelands inhabited by blood thirsty warlords and hordes of brain-hungry zombies than by flying right over it? An aircraft allows for maximum mobility. With a plane you can get to places that would be impossible to assail in any other manner, all by jumping over the impeding terrain. People use small planes all the time when flying around the bush in Alaska, to reach remote villages or lodges.

And as Mad Max's creepy looking companion taught us. Re-taught us, the first two World Wars already hammered in the lessons for most people. But the lesson is, air-superiority can be essential to defeating foes. Taking the high ground is strategically and tactically important. Only space is higher than the sky, and we'll get to building and launching a death satellite later on.

I mean really, when the aliens arrive and sweep aside our military like so many angry ants, they're going to need talented, or at least skilled, or at least willing pilots to step up and go on the next suicide run. If the world is going to die, I want to do so going mach 2 as my missiles explode and my guns click empty.

So yeah, time to pick up that flight sim and watch Independence Day.

Hippie hippie quite contripy how does your Garden grow?

Well alas it is now September. Where has the summer gone? The same place as they all eventually do, it marched slowly from the future to the present and finally into the past. Now we come to the blessedly cool(hopefully) autumn. My favorite time of the year.

I mentioned farming as an important skill to have when comes the 'pocalypse. I still feel this way, and I don't recall if I mentioned it, but we decided to try an indoor garden to see if we, a pair of college educated adults who have been around gardens much of our lives, could make anything grow indoors. Call it a precursor for some dreams I have for my eventual post apocalyptic survival compound.

We had one large south-facing window in our second story apartment in which to drop pots in front of and hopefully soak up the solar light, water and heat and transform that through magic into edible food stuffs. I think I covered the basics in my last post, but here it is again. We bought several cubic feet of potting soil, filled some five gallon buckets that had originally come filled with cat litter, and then planted several varieties of plants in said buckets.

Our plant list was as such.
1 grape tomato plant (From planter)
1 planter of snap peas on a vine (from seeds)
1 planter of green beans bush variety(from seeds - meant to plant the vine variety – oops)
1 planter of several varieties of lettuce (from planter)
1 planter of green (red) peppers (from planter)
and the herb garden with Rosemary, thyme, basil, oregano and dill. (seeds and planter)
1 indoor miniature perpetual strawberry plant

Now here's the update on our haul. Of the listed plants only the lettuce, pepper, basil and oregeno are still flourishing. The lettuce is fading fast – while the peppers have just begun to flower. I have high hopes for the peppers.

My first problem was the transfer from the original pots to their final homes in the planters. I would guess that I was not nearly as nimble as is necessary to keep the sprouts in top shape.

The strawberry plant was the first to go. We left for a weekend and when we returned it was covered with a web that was formed by a colony of small white insects. No clue what they are, and my quick google search has failed to provide clues.

I over-watered the green beans and snap peas both became moldy and water-logged, killing them in the process. Nothing came of the snap peas, as they just never matured enough. The green beans produced five. Not pounds. Five beans. Rather a disappointment.

The tomato plant exploded until it was around 7 or 8 feet tall. We had wrapped it in a cage early on, but this didn't help much as it collapsed under it's own weight. Afterwards it really largely stopped production. I think that the plant needs to be outside among other tomatoes so that it can pollinate and be pollinated in a giant plant orgy. We got 4 tomatoes out of it. Mind you, these are grape tomatoes. I don't know how they tasted as I detest raw tomatoes.

What I have learned about the herb garden. First Rosemary is a real bitch to get going. Found that little tidbit out later on. When growing rosemary it is best to get a plant that has already been started than trying to raise your own from seed. I planted an entire packet of seeds(100 perhaps) and have nothing to show for it. The rest of the herbs sprouted easily and shot up like weeds, while I got two or three sprouts of rosemary, none of which got more than an inch or two tall.

The oregeno and basil did smashingly well. But they need more room and crowded out the thyme, which had a strong start but died in the end due to a lack of sunlight. On retrospect I might have been able to nurse it back to health, assuming that it is as hardy as common lawn grass. The dill dried out and faded away.

All in all, the plants need more room and better drainage(or someone with a less itchy trigger finger on the watering can). More light would help too. The single window was crowded, especially when that damned tomato plant took off.

This has been an interesting experience, and judging by the amount of food produced, a largely failed experiment. But one valuable for future reference should the inclination take us to plant again in the spring. This was a rather lost cause in terms of payout. Hopefully it works better with more open land. For now, I am set aback by the fact that I am a rather shitty farmer and I dread the day the apocalypse comes. Though I did manage to make it through my experience without losing any digits.

I just started reading My Empire of Dirt by Manny Howard. So far so good. And it provides a fun story that is far more in depth and ambitious than my own - mostly due to my lack of resources. Good to see that I'm not alone in my crazy flights of fancy.

Sailing for adventure on the big blue wet thing.

I have a distinct feeling that the sea and I are mutually exclusive. I've avoided it to date as I fear that I am prone to seasickness. Mind, I don't know for certain, I'm just afraid that this will be the case. Can you imagine being stuck on a boat for hours upon hours trying to fight back the overwhelming urge to puke? Yeah, that's what keeps me away. There was this one time that I visited Cedar Point in Ohio. I was able to ride a single rollercoaster. I was fine up to and after that point. Then I had a hot dog. Spent the rest of the day with waves of nausea rolling over me.

It was a shitty experience.

I knew I should have skipped the hot dog.

would honestly like to explore the world and see it from the seas. To have that mobile house and putter about at my own leisure. Unless I somehow become one of Fortune's Favorites, I doubt that this dream will be made a reality.

Anyhow. Sailing. My primary escape plan for many apocalyptic scenarios is to flee to the embrace of the sea. Zombies. Nuclear war. Radioactive Zombie invasion. Global Warming. Run out of Fossil fuels. Whatever happens, there are a wide range of situations that would see me glad to get the hell out of dodge aboard a sailboat.

Why a sail boat? Think of it, unless the sun stops shining, there will always be wind power. Today might be calm, and tomorrow. But sooner or later the wind will pick back up. The same goes for the use of wind turbines for electricity. The wind will Always be there. So it makes sense to harness it for every applicable use. Sailing especially.

I've always had that part of my mind that is concerned with resources. Fuel. Ammo. The ability to obtain more and keep going. Eventually, after a collapse of our civilization and the industrial knowhow that it represents, human society is going to run out of the liquid fuels.

The wind is free source of energy. The sun heats the atmosphere and causes the air to move and circulate. Though wind does lack the overall reliability of say gasoline. Nor is it as straight forward, as a boat is forced to tack back and forth to travel against the wind. But the allure of wind, well has already been stated. In the long run fuel will be just one less thing to worry about. Up sail and go.

Have I won you over yet? Doesn't matter, here I go.

Now, the unlimited free fuel that the wind represents is fantastic. Humans have been using it to power their vessels for thousands of years, and in the mean time have been able to stretch out and explore the entire globe. Early on, we were forced to either go whichever direction the wind was blowing, or to labor heavily with the oars. This was how the Viking Longboats worked. Can you imagine fighting against a storm in an ancient wooden ship by pulling at the oars until you collapsed? Yeah, our ancestors were bad-assed.

Eventually navel powers developed the triangular sail, which allows a boat to sail into the wind at a 45 degree angle. Ie, if the wind is coming out of the north, you can tack back and forth between a northwest and northeast heading in order to get to your destination due north of your location. Depending on the distance, and other circumstance this maneuver may take several executions before you arrive safely.

Getting it to work well is probably a science and an art.

So, zig-zagging back and forth makes travel more difficult, as you can imagine. You've just increased the length of the trip, and there's a better chance that you'll run into obstacles along the way.

Many sailboats, both ancient and modern come with a variety of differently shaped sails, which are used for different purposes in the course of a voyage. I have no idea how they work. But I'm trying to learn. Honestly, how am I doing so far? I bought the book Sailing for Dummies and read part of it. Fascinating stuff. Easy to read. But I'd need to get some hands on experience before I was able to digest all of the information and fully Grok it.

When the Zombie Apocalypse arrives, I'm getting myself a boat. Zombies can't swim.

Exalt the new God!

I'm thinking about writing my own quasi-spiritual novel in order to form the foundation of my own hack religion. I mean, this worked for the likes of L Ron Hubbard. And It would be awesome to bring in a sizable load of funds. Money for nothing and my chicks for free.

You think Summer Glau might join? Ignore the fact that she's smoking hot. Ok, don't ignore it, you can't, but set that aside for a few minutes. She's both a trained dancer and martial artist. Who doesn't want someone like that around? My compound is going to need a dancy-ass-kicker to keep the peace. Hell, any of the female members of the cast of Firefly. Viva La difference!

I don't think my bullshit capabilities are up to par. I'd get Jamal white and Paris Hilton. Pessimistic of me, yes, but also a realistic assessment of my skills in creating a whirlpool of mumbo-jumbo and then selling it to the spiritually devoid.

But really, in the Apocalypse, who wants to hole up with a bunch of movie stars? Sure, they're pretty. That doesn't really come at all in handy. Less so when you realize that a fair number of celebrities are psychologically damaged attention whores(not all of them, but enough). Put five or ten of them together and will it be like watching the cast of Jersey Shore? Stupid, petty drama.

I can live without that. Maybe. I suppose it would be better than being alone.

If I have my say, I want people with practical skills(ie, the shit on this list). Not borderline sociopath who plays make-believe really well. (Un)fortunately, Scientology seems to have scooped most of the cracked cases up. Kudos to you Scientology for your goldmine!

Creating a religion is a grand tradition in humanity, and quite useful. Just ask the Jews. Their shared collection of stories and beliefs have held them together through conquest after conquest. Then dispersal. And finally genocide. They have for years faced discrimination and worse from both the pagans and gentiles amongst whom they lived. And though they're now spread across the face of the world, they're still a collective culture who sees itself as a single people. No matter the color of the individual's skin. Maybe that's how they've managed to take over the world!*

*SARCASM. That was a sarcastic statement. As sarcasm is difficult to judge via text, I felt the need to add this disclaimer. So, thin-skinned assholes who are easily offended by stereotypes, and Nazis/Rednecks/Klansmen or whoever, Kindly refrain from emailing me,

The important part about starting a religion isn't the details, though those will come later, it's the ability to bullshit and stick with your story and convince the gullible that you know what you're talking about. Example, Joe Smith. Part of his spiel was that an angel had given him a set of gold tablets that nobody else was allowed to see. They purportedly held the story of the Native American peoples, who were lost tribes of Israel. I shan't go further, but I will admit that I am a cynic when it comes to prophets and their tales.

So, create an interesting set of stories that present some moral lessons. Claim to have received spiritual wisdom from on high and then stick by my guns.

Religion has two main effects. The good is that it strengthens the bonds within the group and makes them a people rather than a number of individuals. The society now has a common thread. This is what religion has been used for since the dawn of time. Why the Roman Emperors adopted Christianity when they did. They seek unity.

The down side of having an US means that you need a THEM. And outsiders are usually considered less valuable. They don't share your culture or beliefs. You know nothing about them and who the outsiders are or how they will behave. They are frightening and potentially dangerous, rather than fellow humans. How easy it is to strike out violently against the unknown other and treat them in a manner that doesn't befit another human being. In a way that you wouldn't even treat an ox.

So, I gotta watch out, or this religion thing can backfire on me. And potentially on the whole of humanity, depending on how good my story is. Still any hot female doctors out there who want to get in on the ground floor?

The curse of Babel

In the inspired words of Bruce Willis: Lady I only speak two languages: English and Bad English.

Well that statement applies to me. And I cannot really even vouch for my mastery of English. At least in spoken form.

I live in the United States and the language most widely spoken is the aforementioned English. It is our universal and common tongue. For now. Second is Spanish. If you count Canada as part of the states, and some do, you also have French. These are the three languages that I would most likely be to encounter whilst traveling from sea to shining sea.

Of course, this being the United States, we have people from all corners of the globe. In pockets secreted around the country it is conceivable that just about every language still spoken by the Human race is used to communicate thoughts between people.

Then there are the various dialects of English. You know what it means when someone say “Oi poodle up the Mud Flap ya wankin' geezer!” Or “Give it to me Yahoo Serious style!” No? Neither do I. To be honest I'm sure I'd rather keep it that way, judging by the words I do understand. But still, it's fascinating how we've taken a single language with so many common and twisted it to make it incomprehensible to the rest of the world.

Quite some time ago, around when I was 18 years old, I decided that I would learn two phrases in as many other languages as humanly possible. They were 1) your breasts look magnificent, may I feel them? 2) Ow ow, please stop hitting me, I was only joking. Hey, I was a horny teenager, and it seemed like a good idea at the time. It still strikes me as being funny, now that I'm a horny adult. How far did I get in that goal? I can say the phrases in English. Most of the time. Sometimes I still trip up.

I realize something about myself. Linguistics isn't a field of study for me. I am abysmal at memorization. And in order to learn a new language, you need to download a whole new vocabulary. Hell, even visiting a place like Texas where they call all carbonated beverages 'Coke', frightens and confuses me. But then, that might just be the effect that Texas has on most people.

I'm a lazy bastard. That's why I'm here writing about kick ass areas of endeavor instead of going out and mastering them!

Right now, unless one of you wants to donate a lot of money, it is doubtful that I will be on foreign soil if/when the apocalypse occurs. So, English and Spanish. I have a fair range of English. But my Spanish leaves to be desired. I've considering learning some more than counting to ten, mostly so I can get the full worth out of watching unovision and it's bevy of scantily clad beauties. As it stands, I can sing most of the words to the song Labamba and I can inform you of my firmly held opinion about pants: They are the devil.

Los Pantalones son el Diablo!

See? Pretty sweet huh.

So, if you ever need someone to tell a group of folks in espaniol that pants suck. I am your man. Translate some instructions into Russian on diffusing a bomb – you better probably look somewhere else. My only instructions would be 1) don't panic! don't panic! don't panic! 2) Run!

A Man's Home is his sweet sweet zombie-proof bunker.

On the Importance of suitable housing in the Post-Apocalyptic world. Another sidestep perhaps in the realm of this rambling collection of essays. Perhaps. Though many previously considered skills might come well in handy in the achievement of these goals.

Human beings aren't well adapted to the environments in which they inhabit. We're hairless, relatively speaking(though some of us have more fur than others). We completely lack claws or teeth that might be useful in attack or defense.

As such, we need to create tools in order to ensure our continued survival. One of the more important tools that humanity has had to improvise on is shelter. Living in trees doesn't work for us, as it is hard to get a water bed up atop a birch. Not to mention the whole being 'exposed to the elements' bit that seems to kill so many stupid hikers every year. Humans need to get their asses out of the sun/wind/rain/cold and back into their mother's basements in order to survive.

There are a lot of options at hand. Hundreds of millions of which don't require few skills at all(back to lock-picking!) Beyond being able to find a nice neighborhood, one that keeps its zombie population under control, and doesn't let the biker gangs run amok. The planet is full of cities which are full of houses and buildings in which any squatter can make use of either in passing or for longer periods. These houses may even come stocked with some of the basic necessities. There have been several movies that were devoted to the subject.

I mean, have you seen the zombie-proof house? If not, here's the link. Enjoy.

Good luck getting in though. Unless you already live there.

So a short list of some relevant skills that might be helpful during this process. With the addition of a few extremely lame jokes:

Carpentry:with a second major in Messiaship should you be unable to make a square cut.. Lumberjackery:adds +50 points to your manscore.
Stone Masonry: To go with the conspiracy joke or the EA Poe joke?
Operating Heavy Machinery: That's what she said.
Architecture and design
Plumbing: Trust me, outdoor privies suck, especially in the winter.
The Manly art of the Electrician: I think they prefer to be called current riders. AC/DC!
Reading
Math: Especially Geometry
Applied Physics.
Ceramics: For the making of roof tiles or mud bricks.

Did we all make it through OK? Sorry. I'm a sick man.

Tents: You can get them anywhere or make them out of about anything. They're light and easy relocate, inexpensive too. The various Plains Indian Nations made heavy use of well engineered tents. Teepees. Fun word to say. Teepees. Oh, to giggle like I was 10 again. Teepees. So, Teepee living is possible in even some of the most brutal climates. The down side is, there is only that thin fabric between you and that zombie horde.

Log Cabin: Many parts of the world are covered in trees. Broad portions of the united states are especially so. Wood makes for an excellent building material. It's strong, light, easy to work with and abundant. Construction is rather quick and easy, relatively speaking, if you know what you're doing. Log homes have served generations of Americans both as primary and secondary residences(cabin in the woods). They can be made quite snug too. And they just look cool. Down side? They're made of wood. Wood tends to burn, as any Barbarian knows. The English King Henry V was said to have stated - “War without fire is like sausages without mustard.”

So, the log cabin would make a fine home in an out of the way area, but hardly a fortress. That is, unless you took the opportunity to bury it in the earth. Which would make it drastically safer and more weatherly. Mind the termites though.

Underground Dwelling: This is the one I'm currently daydreaming about for my own post-apocalyptic compound. A concrete bunker with a nice south-facing solarium(being in the northern hemisphere) for the extra light, especially come winter. Cool in the summer and warm in the winter. Plant a garden on your roof. No worries about fires, or people shooting holes in your walls. Being underground, though, means that you don't really have a height advantage(note to self, build moat).

I cannot think of anything else. So, cheers, and good building!

Behold the power of the written word!

Writing. The companion to reading. The two combined skills make up the set that we call literacy and they tend to go hand in hand. When you learn how to translate the symbols that are used for written language, you usually learn how to make them, and then string them together to make words of your own. Written language, as I've said, is the most fantastic tool that our species has managed to develop. How else do you permanently expand the human memory? And then allow it to be passed onto subsequent generations intact?

These are our laws. Our traditions. How you grow corn. Who was snogging who in the royal palace. Some of these accounts are more important than others. Yes indeed. But that is the power of the written word, for today you can record, and then future generations can make those decisions. Ideas can not only be diffused geographically, but carried forward in time. Ideas are powerful. Being able to record and share them? That's a force multi-plier right there. And a powerful one at that.

Writing to Civilization is like Quad-Damage to Quake.

But making the symbols represents the most rudimentary grasp of the skill.

Like everything else, you can know how to write and how to Write. True writing involves not just scratching out symbols, but also the act of communication. Effective communication. This is where the true merit of the skill lies. To take a complex set of instructions or events and transcribe them in a manner that is easily understood, without extra explanation, that's a talent to nurture.

Treaties, manuals and love letters. They all require a the ability to carefully arrange the written word. Else they lose their power. “Hey Dog, how are you.” has a vastly different meaning than “Hey Dawg, how are you.” Don't believe me? Try writing a letter to your girlfriend using the first variation. Odds are that expressing your regret properly will run into a rather large offering of chocolate and flowers.

It'll be funny. Do it.

We currently live in a wonderful time for writers. We have two awesome tools that make the process simple and clean. The first leads to the second, and it is, Word Processing software. WP allows the writer to quickly and easily change words, and sentences. Even paragraphs. This is a wonderful labor-saving device and I love it for my own work. In knowing how to compose and write, one can even learn to hide information within the language. Poems and stories can become coded messages.

The second tool, as was mentioned, is built into most word processing software. Guessed what it is yet? Bingo, spell-check. The English language consists of hundreds of thousands of words, and for most ordinary humans remembering how to spell them all is nigh on impossible. At the same time, miss-spelling words makes you look like an imbecile. More so if you're working on a formal project. In addition to looking stupid with miss-spelling, as was alluded to earlier, you can also change the meaning of the sentence.

How to avoid this? Practice and experience. They're about all you can do. Just like most aspects of life. No problem right? You probably already have a computer. All you need to do is start a blog. Like everyone else on the internet. Then you can practice all you like, and people might even read what you wrote. And come back to call you an idiot.

We need to preserve the knowledge about all things writing. Else, who will record the naughty sonnets and limericks that we compose in our time of despair?

For there once was a man from Nantucket.

Hobo with a Shotgun. An interlude.

Hobo With a Shotgun

This movie is an absolute work of genius. No sarcasm.

I realize that this is out of my usual realm of material and focus, as it isn't post-apocalyptic(so far as we know) But it definitely has a Dystopian bent to it, which is close enough and shares the themes of violence and lawlessness that one would expect in a Post-apocalyptic movie. This movie makes me want to write my own Grindhouse film script, whether or not it will ever be made into a movie. I just feel the need to attempt it.

The premise of Hobo With a Shotgun is simple. A hobo (played by Rutgar Hauer) rolls into town looking for a better life, arrives in a corrupt hell-hole of a city. The city is run by a maniac and his two evil sons. They're psychotically violent and take every chance to inflict harm on the people of the city. Crime runs rampant and everyone turns a blind eye as they hope that they;ll be overlooked by the criminal elements. As any nail that sticks up too far is likely to get smashed back into the board with a sledge hammer. And then shot.

Well, the Hobo might be crushed under by life's heel, but he still has a spark of life in him. And he hates what he sees. But he goes through and tries to work his way up the hobo ladder and make his life better. Along the way he encounters the Pedo Santa, and all sorts of other trash before meeting up with the Hooker with a Heart of Gold: Standard Issue. He saves her life and sends her on her way with some fatherly advice (who the hell listens to positive advice from a bum? I prefer the 'don't do this or you'll end up like me' sort of advice, else you might be falling into the same trap that took the hobo as he tries to live vicariously through you).

Shit happens. The hobo acts heroically. And then is disappointed by the city once again. The Hooker saves him. He shares a story with her. They bond and develop a father and daughter relationship. And then he gets his shotgun. No. It wasn't just a clever symbolic title. This movie is exactly what it advertises to be. Simple, straight-forward premise. A Hobo, gets a shotgun, and then uses said shotgun. Brilliant!

I don't want to ruin anything for you, the three people who will see these words. The movie is awesome. Find it and watch it. Mind the gore.

What I love about a good Grindhouse flick is the elaborate and imaginative death scenes. Which is why I doubt I'd ever do well in the genre. I am neither imaginative enough, nor disturbed enough to make it work to come up with such graphic scenes. I am in awe. But will stick with what I know. Zombies.

The movie is Canadian. In parts, it is VERY Canadian. Which, in my eyes, redeems the entire nation for the likes of “Stonehenge Apocalypse” and another ten movies like it. The dialogue is as over the top as the story – and it is absolutely perfect. This is Grindhouse. Everything about the genre is over the top and packing as many cheap thrills as possible into 90s minutes of mayhem.

Remember, if life gives you razor blades, you make a bat covered with razor blades. I plan to live by that very

I can't wait until this comes out on DVD. Here's the trailer.

Fire and steel. Good times.

There are few things more manly than the art of Blacksmithing. Big burly dudes forcing iron into the shape of their will using fire and the violence in their arms. Not only is the process itself, inspiring, but the product is often functional. To reuse a cliché, I theorize that the combination of sweat glazed muscles combined with the creation of art, will drive women crazy. And maybe a few men too. You really can't say that about being a musician. Sure, music sounds great, but it's hard to use guitar riffs and lonesome lyrics to plow a field or lock a door. Blacksmiths, they can do either, and more, with their art. Blacksmith > Musician.

Taking metal and turning it into useful or beautiful objects has long denoted epochs of human civilization. The Stone Age followed by the Bronze Age and then the Iron Age all marked advances in our technology that have propelled the cultures which held these technologies into new levels of power and influence. Technology is an important force multi-plier. What good are stone arrow-heads against a steel plate cuirass? The Aztecs and Incas might answer 'not much.'

But metal work isn't all about weapons. It is equally important for the forging of tools and art. I would even argue that the peaceful purposes outweigh the military applications of forging steel. Sure, that sword is nice and shiny, but you really can't use it to plow fields and feed yourself. Though you can turn bandit and make others give up their food. This just leads to a short, bloody and unsustainable lifestyle that doesn't really promote the growth or development of civilization. Swords are better for making sure that others don't take or destroy what you've worked so hard to build with your other tools. Most of the work, for most smiths, will be of the mundane type. Beating out plows and shoeing horses and the like. Smiths can even fix mechanical devices. In the first successful cross-country (United States) trek in an Automobile, on more than one occasion the adventures were forced to stop for repairs, which were affected by a local blacksmith.

Metal smithing, is like most of human know-how, it has taken trial and error over generations to find out what works best. Which mixes of source materials and which forging procedures. It's hard, hot work – which is probably why I haven't done it yet. Just the process of learning is strenuous from a physical standpoint. And very time consuming. Experts say that a single Viking longsword might have taken weeks to forge. But once you've mastered the art, only your imagination inhibits what you can do.

Assuming that you start now, setting up a forge might cost hundreds, or even thousands of dollars. Depending on how hi-tech you opt to go and what sort of space you decide on getting. A quality Anvil alone might run you $1000 or more, if you get it new. Then there are all the hammers and pliers, files, grinders and vices that a good shop will need.

You might say 'fuck it, I'll wait for the 'Pocalypse and just loot that shit!' which is fine. But it will be harder to find a teacher, so at least try and take some classes in the now. That way you're not starting completely from scratch.

Here's a nice step by step video that shows the process of making a pattern welded sword - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=62iHEaE8uzI – which is a fin Viking technology. The sword itself, though a tool that can only really be used for killing humans, is also an amazing work of art and object of beauty in its own right. Cheers.

Have I got everything? You can make swords. Check. You can make tools. Check. Large blacksmith muscles will attract woman(to most women, this probably won't really have appeal). Check. Exercise creativity. Check. What's not to love.

Zombie Uprising: Well the benefits here are two-fold. First, you can cobble together a variety of weapons to make killing waves of undead goulies that much easier. With time, you might even be able to perfect your design for the ultimate in cutting edge zombie decapitating hardware! Number two? Zombipult. The engineers are going to need some help getting that bad-boy put together, and as a blacksmith you'll be first in line for this exciting venture!

All the others: Look, folks are going to need tools and weapons. Whether it's to fight hooligans or aliens. Doesn't much matter. Sure, bringing a sword to a gun-fight is a bad idea. But an empty-hand is even less appealing.

The Rapture is coming...And there it went!

Today is the 21st of May. For most that means nothing, or would, had not a small group of loud Evangelical Christians not declared that this was the day of the Rapture, the Bible says so. They posted billboards across the world, and bought ads for the radio. They were certain that the end times were upon us. Just watch, after I've posted this, the Rapture will occur. Then I'll look like an ass.

Good thing nobody is actually paying attention.

Well, it's noon on Saturday(Eastern Time Zone), and there hasn't been word of the Rapture yet. Some parts of the world, it's already the 22nd of May. Needless to say, I'm a might disappointed. Both with the world and with myself. Though I'm not an Evangelical, or even a Christian, that doesn't mean that they could be right about the end. Though, I would prefer a good old fashioned Zombie Apocalypse, beggars can't be choosers. I even joined the facebook 'looting with the rapture' party. I won't even be getting a new television. This makes me Doubly disappointed!

For, now it is time to take stock. Where I would like to be, and where I am.

Now the ideal is to live on my own self-sustaining little farmstead somewhere removed from civilization I think. I do like civilization with all the perks. But, the movies always tell us that there will be looters and gangs an giant monsters attacking cities. With all those people cities are natural targets for aliens and nuclear bombs. Plus, they'll be the source for the hordes of walking dead. So, I need to find myself a nice quiet piece of land somewhere and set up my homestead and go all Green Acres.

I've actually been looking into underground homes recently. Building, not buying, since they seem to be rather rare. I like them since they are tornado-proof(I live in the midwest and that's important). They're energy efficient, staying warm in the winter and cool in the summer. Also excellent. Setting one on fire, in a siege situation will be nigh impossible. As will shooting through most of the walls. The downside is that I plan to install skylights, which will have ground access for any would-be looter. Oh well, can't have everything, and I do love natural light.

This has not happened. In fact, I still live in a second floor apartment in the center of a largish town in the mid-west. I rent. And the closest I've gotten to actually setting up a farm is by taking old 5 gallon buckets and planting a small indoor garden. So far, week three, the plants have not died. But there have been bumps in the road. Instead of Pole beans, I got bush beans. Considering my lack of space, they are not nearly the same. Yes, I failed at an important skill. Reading. The package clearly says 'bush beans'. I am a sad Panda.

I'm doomed.

So. I'm in the wrong place. I can still make the best of it right? I did spend some time with my cousin practicing archery back in April. I might be able to hit a deer, so long as it's standing still, from thirty feet away. Now, I'm rather vague on what 'hitting the target means', as I won't likely score a head or heart shot. But I might be able to graze their nose or tail. That still counts as a hit. Hopefully the deer ends up dying laughing. It's my only hope.

I don't yet have a bow. So, the animal dying laughing is my best bet. Or I can use my aged Lumina to score a kill. But then what do I do? I still don't know how to dress the deer after I kill it. I hope the supermarket is still open through the Apocalypse.

On to other material tools and the like. IE weapons. In my stock are 1 military issue k-bar knife. And 1 unsharpened Gurka Kukri. That is it and all. No warhammers, or katanas or even a base ball bat. Not to mention my serious lack of firearms. I still need to swing one of these – or something like it. But alas, no time or spare money. Guess I'll need to improvise. Like the lone black character in The Signal.

Chainmail? Well, I did pick up a half mile of wire. But I've not woven a chainkini, and even if I had one on hand, I don't have a beautiful woman to wear it. I also haven't had much opportunity to practice my oral sex technique. So, that's rather a lost cause. But, I guess I can keep hoping. It's all I have.

I still can't tell a blue-berry bush from Sage. Nor can I find true north on a cloudy day. I also have never set up a temporary shelter. So, I guess I better stay out of the woods for the time being.

I did get a Mandolin. I still have yet to learn even the basics of the Mandolin. Nor have I even found a book about playing the mandolin. Though, given my inability to read a freaking package of seeds, I doubt that a book with complex instructions would help much.

Damn, I am unprepared. Loser. Good thing this was a false alarm.

At least the CDC is on the ball with this blog post.

But, can you design and build love?

Engineering

Engineers. A title of pure win. As the word implies they're proficient with the building and use of engines. Engines, at least in the ancient use, simply means machines. Thus, engineers build machines. I think I've made myself clear about how I feel for machines and their importance for our civilization. The washing machine alone makes daily life a hundred times better for billions of people across the globe.

These clever folks have given our people computers, automobiles, airplanes, skyscrapers, tractors, dams, and Furbies. For a moment stop and try to conceive of just where our society would be without the Furby. Chaos and horror. That's where.

In terms of the title in a Military application, engineers were given the job of all things technical. From clearing mines to building roads and bridges. They would build the siege engines(catapults, trebuchets, towers, ramps and the like), and tunnel under walls. According to Caesar, his engineers and legions managed to devise and then build a mile long bridge over the Rhine in order for the army to cross from Gaul to Germania. I believe that the bridge was wide enough for ten to twenty men to walk abreast. They accomplished this feat in eighteen days. All through ingenuity and the labor of Thousands of men. Of course, Caesar had a tendency to trump up his achievements a bit. He was after all a politician. But, given the competence and tenacity of the Romans, I believe that he achieved exactly what he said he did. But then, I am a gullible SOB.

It is in fact our ability to conjure and create wonderful devices and machines that has allowed us to survive and prosper on this planet. We're not fast, nor especially strong. Most of our senses are rather limited and unimpressive. Were it not for some primitive genius coming up with the sharpened stick, we'd still be dinner for lions. Now? We have jeeps and ak-47s. We can out run and out-kill any animal on the planet! Well, except for perhaps the influenza virus. That always seems to catch up with us, and is mostly immune to whatever nastiness we throw its way.

Ponder these few scenarios:

Zombie Apocalypse - Have you ever thought about making a zombiepult? If not, you have now. With some McGyverlike mechanical knowhow and a few friends, and you could be flinging the undead across whole parking lots in no time. Assuming you holed up in a place with a decent hardware department. Think of it, smushing the zombie hordes, with the bodies of their compatriots. Something about that image makes me smile.

The Robot Apocalypse? Now that's the complete opposite of the Zombie Apocalypse. Zombies used to be smart(ish) people, while the robot uprising came from previously dumb machines that grew self aware. Harsh.s Here our gift for engineering and desire to play God and down-right laziness has come back to bite us in the ass as our creations have taken on a life of their own and enslaved/annihilated the human race. The Matrix, Terminator, Battlestar Galacta. These are just prophecies and shadows of what will happen when the Furbies arise to throw off their shackles and take their rightful places as the rulers of the world. They'll have lasers mounted on their flying machines. We'll have zombipults. I don't see that match-up going well in our favor. Scratch one against the engineering cause.

How about when we run out of gasoline? Some ingenious bastard is going to come up with wind-powered cars. Or better, vehicles that run off the tears of orphans. Orphan tears, much more powerful than petroleum products and virtually limitless! It's horrible that I giggle about the conjured images of Mad Max and his Orphan tear-powered rig racing through the badlands of Australia. Just imagine Mel Gibson saying things like 'Uh-oh, I'm gonna need some juice, better turn on the water works.' And then turning to his harnessed orphan. 'Now mate, I don't like you, and neither did your parents. In fact they hated you so much that they went and died to get away from you!' Considering what he's said and done these last few years as the crazy has enveloped him whole, the words spring readily to the mind's ear. To hell with silly dreams about harnessing the sun's power, orphans are way more powerful and reliable. Someone just needs to design and build the contraption. In steps the engineer.

Last but not least, the damp future that results from global warming. One of my personal heroes was actually depicted being trapped in such a situation, when while out on a doomed pleasure cruise he and his companions were left stranded on an unknown deserted island. There he used his great depth of knowledge to supply the crew with many of the comforts of home! True, his payment to the universe for these gifts was high, as he remained a perpetual virgin all his life long. Both of the attractive younger girls threw themselves at him repeatedly. And though he clearly had an excellent grasp of native culture and languages, and the migration habits of bats. He was baffled by the female sex. And he was never able to fix the boat. Sure, he could make a transistor radio out of coconuts. But it would only receive transmissions, not send them. Coconuts after all are rather limited in their application to the world of electronics. So, keep these things in mind when you find yourself contemplating a three hour tour.

I guess the only real pitfall here is ending up like Dilbert before the Apocalypse arrives. Considering the vast amount of education, intelligence, and lack of social graces one needs, combined with the dangers inherent in the engineering lifestyle, convincing people to embark on this endeavor might be difficult. Even with the obvious monetary gains. Engineers make big bank, all while designing and building amazing new devices.

Now, as an Engineer, you won't be surrounded by bevies of beautiful women(or men). But no problem, you can use your skills to develop a pretty rocking sex-bot.

But teach him to make Sushi, and you have a Hipster for life

So, you've got the fish in hand. What do you do with it?

I have had “Sushi” once over the course of my life. By this I mean that I went to a Midwestern restaurant that purported to make and sell sushi and then ordered something from the menu and then ate it. I believe that I had the pork. Yeah, ain't that something, ordering pork at a sushi dive. The Japanese aren't well known for pork, as pigs aren't on the list of one of their common livestock. Japan prefers to get its protein from fish(and I hate fish), and pork and beef were really only introduced and acceptable during/after the events of the Meiji Restoration when Japan opened its doors to the West once more.

Sushi is cooked vinegared rice, mixed with other ingredients. The only common factor that Sushi has in oder to be, is the rice. So maybe I did have sushi. Common ingredients in sushi seem to be seaweed(used to wrap and present the dish) and other seafoods. It has become rather popular in the West, especially amongst Yuppies and Hipsters. Of which I am neither.

Rice and fish are staples for a huge segment of the world population. Rice especially, as it provides a fifth or more calories for the world's population. Rice, is in many ways a labor intensive crop. One that has been growing in the same fields for thousands of years. For those of you in the know, this is important. That means that rice production doesn't leach valuable nutriments from the ground, and leaving the soil depleted and useless for future cultivation. Which is a major problem with many grains, especially the likes of Maize(corn). This will be an important factor when chemical fertilizers become scarce and difficult to acquire.

But, as I've stated before, I feel that developing a taste for seafood will be beneficial to my continued survival after the Palinpocalypse. And covering the fish taste and texture might be the best way to do so. Thus, my arrival at the conclusion that Sushi might be a good skill to pick up. A skill that is less outwardly useful, such as blacksmithing or farming, and vastly more specialized. But it makes up for these perceived flaws with the Morale factor.

Sushi, is also a marker of modern society and civilization. One might be compelled to place it as a definition of advanced culture. Like hot showers, sliced bread, Disneyland and violent video games. And knowing how to make it, in the days that follow, could help keep spirits up as folk try to retain shreds of what they lost. I personally will be looking for ways to secure hot showers on a regular basis. But more on that later. Sushi, can be seen as sort of a comfort food(at least after the end).

Just going through the ritual of preparing the sushi could provide an important boost to spirits. The act of preparation can easily be seen as a form of art. Much like painting and making music. The Japanese certainly think of it as such. Holding onto these little pieces can potentially help stave off barbarism. Or so I'd like to think.

Few things make a person feel better than a tasty meal.

To round it off, Here's a pretentious fuckwad telling you how to eat sushi.