Machines for the Mechanically uninclined(or lazy)

Mechanical competence isn't within my realm of experience. I know one end of a screwdriver from the other, but I have had very little actual practice getting my hands dirty. I am not a gear-head and when automotive mechanics tell me something, I just have to take their word for it (rather than fake understanding and offer banal banter). I would like to remedy this glaring failing upon my part but lack the time or energy. Or even the resources. Maybe I just have a case of the dumb. One of my favorite shows is Mythbusters. They so well combine entertainment with education. I know just enough to get a glimmer of what they're doing, while remaining ignorant enough to make them seem a Cabal of Magicians Extraordinaire. They combine a working knowledge of physics, chemistry and mechanical know-how to engineer their way past problems presented with myths (rocket cars, the myriad uses of duct tape and steam-powered machine guns). And then they invent problems to solve, usually with explosives. Yes, the Mythbusters love to make things go boom. Really, if you haven't seen the show, you're missing out. They make science cool. God Damn, why couldn't they have existed when I was in Jr High and High School? All we had back then was reruns of MacGyver and the A-Team. Cool enough for the 80s I suppose, but they were totally lacking a Kari Byron* stand-in. *Dear Kari Byron, I know that you're married and have kids, but you're still a Geek Sex Goddess as far as I am concerned. Well, this is a post-apocalyptic skills blog, so where does this bring me? Wishing desperately to emulate my heroes I suppose. I think I've mentioned the importance of engineering and a grasp of physics and the like in past posts. If I haven't, then I've thought about doing so. When I do get around to those topics, you can bet that I will drone on endlessly about the Mythbusters. Fair warning. They blow shit up. But around 50 posts over the course of 2 years, It's difficult to keep track of what I've done. I have been for the last few years assembling a library of books that may be helpful in the chaotic end times. Mostly this is a research library for my zombie books. Also, I look forward to the day when I can go out and kick it Thoreau-school and get my Self-reliance on. But I tend to get volumes on subjects that I'm interested, and my interests are both broad and shallow. I'm like a child in a room full of sparkley objects. Book review time! I found the book Basic Machines and How They Work on the Amazon. I was of course scouring their stock for more possible additions to the library. It went onto the wishlist directly, though I put off ordering for months. But anyhow, I have returned to this fascinating field. Sort of. And for me, this book seemed a great choice to get going. I feel that I was right in the decision to finally pick it up. I've not been disappointed in the least. Basic Machines makes a decent Wannabe Mythbuster primer. It was written by the Navy for their ranks of enlisted sailors. You don't need to know advance math to work the equations and the book walks you through them step by step. Good for me, as math wasn't my strong point. I wasn't bad at it, but I was lazy(still am) and didn't have the ambition or curiosity back then to stretch in that direction. Guess this is why I majored in Art and History in college and avoided the hard sciences. The author starts out with those basic machines that I know and recognize from my days in elementary school as a small child. The lever, wheel, wedge, screw and so forth. How they can be used to make work easier – in real world applications so that anyone may understand. With plenty of illustrations for even the thickest grunt to comprehend. There are 13 chapters, ranging from the previously mentioned first one on Levers all the way up through Internal Combustion Engines and Power Trains(12 and 13 respectively). You will know more on the operation of Block and Tackle than you thought possible. I haven't finished the book, so maybe my praise is premature. But, I doubt it. I have skimmed the later passages and dropped in to read blocks of text. I really look forward to finishing the rest of the volume. The only gripe I have is with the cover. Three interlocking gears. It seems to me that trying to operate them would make the mechanism lock up. But maybe I can't visualize it properly. Thank you Naval Department for this excellent work. So much knowledge for so cheap.

Quoth the Bruce: Hooch for the Pooch

Wine, whiskey, beer. Booze. The Nectar of the Gods.

I am a teetotaler. I shall admit this right away. I'll let Penn Jillette explain it for you. Though my folks weren't teetotalers. And I've tasted wine and beer. I use wine for cooking – tip, it makes foods taste better. I've never at all been interested in getting drunk. Many of my friends and family are fond of imbibing.

On with it.

Aside from the obvious intoxicant purposes, Ethanol has many beneficial uses. Cooking was mentioned above. Alcohol can be burned in an internal combustion engine as a source of fuel. In strong enough concentrations it can be used as a relatively harmless anti-biotic on human skin as it kills bacteria and viruses on contact.

When consumed by humans and other animals it has a profound chemical effect on the brain and alters the function. This is why it has been prized by Western society for the last 10,000 years. In many societies, the English Royal Navy being one, booze was a part of the daily rations. It provides both the pleasant effects and also acts as a source of fuel for the human body. Alcohol is high in carbohydrates. The side effect being a tendency for it to be turned into fat in the human body. Think “Beer Gut”.

Alcohol is a liquid formed by the fermentation of various types of plant matter. Basically, a natural group of fungii feed on the sugar in fruits and grains and created the bi-product that is ethanol(among others, but ethanol is the one that humans consume for pleasure). That's right, alcohol is the excrement of mushrooms. This makes the first type of alcohol. Beer and wine are the most notable.

Step two, which is optional, is distilling the liquid. This involves slowly boiling the mixture in a still and separating the alcohol from the rest of the mixture and thus concentrating it. This is the process that they use to make the hard liquors such as whiskey and other spirits such as vodka and brandy.

Depending on the type of Apocalypse(come on Zombies!) there may be a plethora of available booze to choose from for years to come. Some of it gets better with time, for a while at least. But it can be expected that most alcohol will have a fairly long and stable shelf-life. How long? I don't know. Too many factors including how the bottles are arranged when they're stored, light and humidity. It seems that keeping the confection away from light and at a constant and relatively cool temperature is suggested by those in the know.

As a teetotaler why would I ever go into the alcohol business? Well there's the chance that I might gain appreciation for the nectar. But this is unlikely. Other people will want booze though. Humanity likes to drink when times are good and loves the sauce when times are bad. Getting drunk is escapism – and should be much more in demand if the world truly goes to hell.

Trade though is the biggest reason. If you've seen Romero's movie Land of the Dead, there is a scene where some of the scavengers raid a liquor store to trade to the folks back home. Which in and of itself is believable. The part that I can't buy is that society in the movie is still employing Yankee Geenbacks. Paper money is abundant and its value will be nothing after a cataclysm. Gold and gemstones are about the same, as any one of hundreds of jewelry stores across the continent will be rife with the sparklies. None of which have any real value and instead are more a symbol of wealth. They're tokens or coupons.

With a crash of currency, will come a barter economy. Skills and goods. Skills to make goods.

This is to say, booze will sell well and it's a fine trade item that, if you have the right knowledge and equipment, you can restock with relative ease. And unless the wastelands are taken over by overly moral religious zealots then booze will be eternally popular. If the zealots do take control, booze will still be popular, just more dangerous to deal in.

Urban Survival Guide I just read this, he has quite a list of different trade items to stockpile. Peruse at your leisure. Mind, he is quite serious about the subject.

If you want to practice now, there are widely available home brewing and wine making kits. They range from $25 on up. What makes one better than another, I admit no clue.

Getting high on jet fuel.

You know, it might be fun to learn how to fly. An aircraft. Learning to fly without one would be one million times more awesome. And one million times less likely. It's like the difference between finding a dollar on the street and winning the lotto.

Well, I think I have a decent grasp of odds, so I shall take what I can get. I think that an aircraft is a bit more in my reach. Though not by much.

With about as much money as it costs to buy a decent motorcycle you can purchase an Ultra Light Aircraft. This is a bare bones vehicle that is some what earthbound and slow compared to say a jumbo-jet. But who the hell cares? $8000 is all it takes to start flying! - This of course is usually for a kit, some assembly required and all that. The full ride will run you twice that, about the price of a compact car.

Now, that's what the actual equipment will run you. Lessons, and storage and fees for using the field. Fuel? That's always expensive. But the costs will all add up. I'm guessing that this is an expensive hobby. I imagine it's a rush. For people who aren't afraid of heights and can pony up the bucks.

For those of you who are poor (or don't like to risk dying) – well I have a partial answer – Flight simulators. Practice, without moving. What's up my lazy brothers and sisters. You can even pretend to get into huge battles against other lazy/poor folk. And then do it all over again. You know how many times the Red Baron shot my ass down? Doesn't matter, cause I got him in the end! It was like 241. But hey, I lived to fly another day, all because I never got into a real plane.

All for the cost of a decent computer, a joystick and the software. I'll assume that most people who may be reading this at least have the first. If you run Linux, you can get the third for free. Leaving a joystick as about the only add on. Hell, the basic level of x-plane will run you around $30.00, and it looks pretty damned amazing. They have incorporated the real world into the game – almost all of the terrain between the Arctic and Antarctic circles. In addition to what seems like a large variety of planes to fly and real world physics.

Inexpensive comes at a cost, and this is in pure practical experience. How do you read the dials? What does actually flying feel like. And any lessons learned from doing stupid shit, might not be taken to heart without the near disaster to hammer them home. - Like many things in life, it can be likened unto sex and masturbation. I'll leave you to fill in the blanks in the comparison.

Then again, you can get away with making really really stupid mistakes.

You all know what flying means. Getting from New York to LA in a few hours instead of a few days. Jumping over the traffic. No greasy diners or skeezy hotel rooms in fly-over country! Well, this all holds for the post-apocalyptic world too. Fast travel when other methods might take a heavy toll on lives.

Navigation will be a challenge. Go a degree or two off course, at 300 mph, and after a couple hours you're hundreds of miles from where you intended to be. When your car runs out of gas, you roll to a stop and then get out and walk. As you've guessed, running out of fuel in an aircraft involves a lot less annoyed rolling and very much more screaming and plummeting. I'm not really a fan of heights or falling quickly to earth. I'll need to look into this, from a distance. Problem two, when you've sorted the fuel issue out, is finding a proper place to land. For now, airports dot the

A way to get around the landing issue, is of course to magic-up yourself a helicopter. They're fast and powerful and can take off and land vertically. Which means you can land on roof tops and forest clearings and the like. Sweet! Oh wait? What will this cost? Well, helicopters are expensive. A used model will run you about as much as a 3 bedroom house, unless you live in Detroit, then ten houses. Helicopters are extremely complex machines that require a ton of maintenance. If you fail in that, keep in mind that they lack any sort of real gliding capability. - Add that to the fact that Helicopters seem to be difficult to learn how to fly – and you have yourself a specialty aircraft.

A nice mix? The Auto-gyro. Technology from the early XXth century, which involves a unpowered rotor blade al la the Helicopter, that spins as the vehicle is pushed or pulled forward, this creating lift. And if the engine goes out? Then you have a glider. It seems to be a simple machine when compared to it's compatriots, making it easy to build and maintain – and though it isn't VTOL like the helicopter, it doesn't need nearly as much space to take off and land. And you think that isn't cool enough? Well, keep in mind that James Bond used one in You Only Live Twice. Sean Connery/James Bond's seal of approval.

Go out and buy one today!

Where does all this jibber-jabber apply to the real world? Or at least how we imagine the real world to look after the Flash? What better way to avoid wastelands inhabited by blood thirsty warlords and hordes of brain-hungry zombies than by flying right over it? An aircraft allows for maximum mobility. With a plane you can get to places that would be impossible to assail in any other manner, all by jumping over the impeding terrain. People use small planes all the time when flying around the bush in Alaska, to reach remote villages or lodges.

And as Mad Max's creepy looking companion taught us. Re-taught us, the first two World Wars already hammered in the lessons for most people. But the lesson is, air-superiority can be essential to defeating foes. Taking the high ground is strategically and tactically important. Only space is higher than the sky, and we'll get to building and launching a death satellite later on.

I mean really, when the aliens arrive and sweep aside our military like so many angry ants, they're going to need talented, or at least skilled, or at least willing pilots to step up and go on the next suicide run. If the world is going to die, I want to do so going mach 2 as my missiles explode and my guns click empty.

So yeah, time to pick up that flight sim and watch Independence Day.