I do not wish to ever utter/scream the phrase “Oh shit I gone done stabbed myself” in any of its variations. Same goes for cutting, bludgeoned and so forth. As I see it, lopping off your own limbs isn't conducive to long life, and it just makes you look like an inept asshole. Chicks dig scars and war wounds, or so I'm told, but I have my doubts that cutting a chunk out of your own leg will help you score some honey in the local watering hole Saturday night. Unless it's one of those kick ass apocalypse where most of the male half of the species is killed by a mysterious plague. You know the ones, when even the Bastard Child of Carrot Top and Yahoo Serious beds a different Hooters girl every night.
Come on only man left alive apocalypse!
But with my luck, I'd wind up in one of those post-apocalyptic matriarchal societies that is rather hostile towards we XYers. Has to do with destroying the world or some such. So yeah, instead of roaming the lands making babies, I'll end up a hunted fugitive. Or maybe as an animal locked in a cage for children to gawk at.
Any object can be used as a weapon, all it takes is the will to hurt or kill. I've seen enough wrestling to know that a folding chair in the right hands is one impressive implement of destruction. A weapon is a tool like any other, and it's always good to know how to use your tools. With a little hard work you could be instead of a child finger-painting, you could be a Rembrandt...well maybe a Pollock... as you cleave, slice and bludgeon your way through the ranks of your unwitting enemies.
We as human beings have developed a large array of devices with which to cleave, maim, disembowel, burn, impale and generally hurt one another. We're not a very pleasant species when it comes down to it. But then, most of the smarter animals seem to be dicks too. Chimps wage wars one one another, killing for territorial rights. Dolphins murder porpoises on sight and for no understood reason – not for food, they just attack on sight. Yet we rule the roost, for we were the first to make use of the club and then later the pointed stick and finally the bow and arrow. The nice thing about these ancient implements of ass-kickery is that they never run out of ammunition. Sure, your +0 Machette might bend and break, and you'll have to sharpen it after heavy use, but until it fails you'll always have a functioning weapon at hand. You'll never raise your battle-axe overhead only to hear an empty click, forcing you to reload.
Of course, you don't want This to happen to you. Especially if you have asshole friends who have access to video cameras. So time to eat your Wheaties and learn how to swing a battle axe without cutting your foot off. Doesn't sound too difficult you say? Well, most warriors in the past would begin their training as children, and hope to master their trade of bloodshed and battle by the time they reached adulthood. I gotta feeling that there aren't many alive in this day and age who say the same.
No, your mastery of Assassin's Creed doesn't get you credit here bub. It just gets you stabbed in the face and eaten by the zombie horde. That's ok, you can always hit reset and enter the Code and get those thirty lives you forgot before. Oh, wait, that doesn't work in real life. Oh well, I'm sure you'll think of something, maybe plugging in an aim bot.
Combine Parkour, Martial Arts and Weapons Training and you're pretty much a Ninja. How's that for a triumvirate of badassitude? To complete your training, all you'll need to do is learn to fly. That'll be addressed later on.
Global warming – There's going to be pirates. There are always pirates on the sea. It's a law of nature. Ice is cold and pirates infest the world's oceans. Here's where we run into trouble. The Pirate's natural enemy is the ninja. Ninjas live on dry land, and there is no more dry land. So there won't be anyone to keep the pirate fleets in check. Remember to pack plenty of Katanas and black pajamas. 4/5
Zombie Uprising - The Eminent and most Respected Sage Max Brooks suggests adopting peasant style weaponry when battling the undead hordes. Peasant weapons are simple to learn and carry into battle. And you can about find them anywhere, or even make them yourself should you have the need. This makes sense, especially for a world where most of us aren't trained in the martial arts from a young age. He seems to have forgotten, though, that you don't fight zombies. There is no finesse to it. You sever the head from the body and destroy the brain to put the creature down. That is in and all. Whether your tool of choice is a katana or a machete or a wood axe, it all is a matter of what feels the most comfortable in your hand. You don't see too many samurai zombies running about fighting duels, so you shouldn't expect to need to be a blademaster to hold your own against a few zombies. But some hands on experience will be good for you when you step out onto your lawn to kill those commie corpses back dead again! Make Max Brooks proud! 3/5
Alien Invasion – Key phrase: Light sab... Energy Swords. The key to success here is energy swords. They come in all shapes and sizes and are hella-helpful against Plantlife, animals, and cyborgs. Now you've seen the video of the dude mishandling a regular sword to his folly and our twisted amusement. I linked it earlier. Go back and take a look. That was with ordinary steel of doubtful quality. Imagine the outcome if he had been playing with a big boy sword instead. Oh yeah, that video would have gotten a million views, and won the America's Funniest Home Videos. Even over the old guy getting kicked in the groin. Heh. You know what, I want to see that. 0/5 No really, you should get some laser swords and camcorders and show the world your mad skills. We'll be impressed, I promise.
Nuclear Holocaust – In the end, after the flash, hopefully warfare will become rather more conventional. Our vast stores of ammunition for our fancy firearms won't last long, those that aren't consumed in nuclear fire. Whatcha got left? A pointed stick. Or whatever bit of sharpened metal you can find. You used your last shotgun shell weeks ago. You've been out of gas for the Chainsaw-chucks even longer. But you still have your sweet sweet cane, the one with the sword inside. So it's all good. Better when you get to skewer the dude wearing naught but a pair of assless chaps and football shoulder pads. Pimptastic brother, show that jive turkey who the man is. 5/5
Resource Wars – If there's one thing you can count on it's the abundance of iron in our planet's crust. The Earth's core is made of iron and nickel, or so say the scientists who study these things, and who am I to question their knowledge. I majored in History. Well, there are countless tons of iron in them there hills. And tons more timber atop them. Wood for smelting the iron and making steel. Enough to equip an army if only we were to harvest.... wait a minute... that's the mindset that got us into trouble in the first place. Well fuck. Assuming that we learned our lesson on squandering our valuable natural resources, Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you 'The Rock'. This year's model is a smooth igneous disk about the size of a child's hand. Useful for either throwing or with proper flint-knapping techniques, a hand-axe. The perfect companion piece to the Craftsman special Pointed-stick. 4/5
Human beings are always going to be assholes, and if you can't defend yourself then you better watch your asshole. I myself am going to get some rope, a pair of chainsaws, and some luck and make the most fearsome (and stupid) weapon the world has ever seen. ChainsawChucks.
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