1, 2, 3 - GO!

Rock Paper Scissors. Rochambeau. A game with a hundred names and played all across the world. It was invented by Chuck Norris during the later years of the Roman Empire as a way to decide which Caesar was going to die that day. Mostly the game was only implemented when the Colosseum was closed and proper bloodsports weren't showing. Chuck had to keep the mob happy somehow. The rules haven't changed much over the years, with the minor difference that a Roundhouse Kick beating all three paper, rock and scissors. But the Chuck is the only

At least that's what the Wikipedia says. The facts are slightly suspect. We all know that Chuck was a friend of the Caesars, and helped them fight off the Nazis, alongside Indiana Jones and Mr. T. This happened on several occasions over the two thousand years that the Roman Empire stood. Facts is facts y'all.

Rochambeau was invented in Japan, purveyors of other such fine entertainment as The Super Mario Brothers, Legend of Zelda, and Rape Fantasy Six. Over the years, it has developed variations of up to one hundred choices, or so I hear. I guess some sort of bureaucracy got involved somewhere along the line and tried to make things more precise. And thus muddled up the whole process. Certainly it couldn't have been a small group of hardcore Rochambeau artists trying to ratchet up the thrill. They're like most extreme sports enthusiasts, enough is never enough. No matter how many arguments they need to have about how Bottle of Purple Gatorade fares against 1700s Antique French Armoire Done in the Classic Style. Those fuckers are hardcore.

Rochambeau is a game of skill as much as poker. Maybe more so, since without the element of random cards being tossed into the mix, winning or losing rests more on the actions of the players and their ability to read opponents, learn patterns and so forth. That alone is a valuable life skill in normal times.

Global Warming - Stuck on a boat, with the same handful of survivors day after day. Too bad the gameboy's batteries died like three years ago. And you read and re-read that one copy of Old Man and the Sea about a thousand times. Masturbation has even lost it's charm. What else to do to while away the long hours on the open ocean when the wind is out of your sails? Cabin Fever and some good old fashioned paper-rock-scissors. Over and over and over and over again, until the last one standing is so crazy that they don't mind eating their comrades. 4/5

Zombie Apocalypse – Alright guys, we're gonna need someone to go out there and lead the zombies away so that the rest of us can escape. Any takers? No? Well, guess we'll play paper rock scissors until we find a victim. I'm of course out, I'm too important – You know you're going to hear that when the end comes. At least once. Assuming that you don't suck at paper rock scissors. Then you may live to hear it several times. Who's going to go first? Who's going to guard this door as we try to weld it closed? Who gets sacrificed to the vicious gang of roving bandits as a sex toy? Rochambeau is going to come into play constantly. Better get good at it now. 5/5

Alien Invasion – So, the aliens batted aside the best weapons that our armed forces could muster. They adapted to our local diseases. They're hunting us down like the monkeys we are. What next? We act in desperation and bring out our last and most dangerous weapon. A children's game from Japan. No, not Kancho, that would only piss them off further. Though it might make for a good comic relief moment, just before Blargax the Imperator vaporizes you with the Kill-O-Zap gun in his third left hand. Your courage and utter stupidity will live on in the human race's cultural memories due to songs and farcical comedies where you'll ever be rendered as the tragic yet comical clown.

But don't worry, your friends have a plan.

And that brings us back to Paper-Rock-Scissors, and how it can be used to throw-down the alien overlords. We are an absurd species, but that game represents the pinnacle of our silliness. How the fuck does paper beat rock? Rock would totally blast through paper. Is paper covered with bad poetry written by an angst-ridden teen girl? It damn well better be to have that kind of effect. It would have to be an effin phonebook to beat rock. Rock is solid, and hard. Our music is Rock and Roll. Jesus said to build your house on a Rock. You've never heard of Dwayne 'The Paper' Johnson. Rock beats paper. Except it doesn't. With luck this very fact will throw the Overmind into an infinite loop, and the entire invasion force pops.

The Rest – I have no doubt that every other week I'll find myself a captive by one of those violent gangs of bikers that seems to wander the wastelands for no apparent reason. No reason beyond the fact that out there are vast stretches of empty land, and they need to be wandered. Someone's got to do it, so there they are. It's like delivering the mail in the here and now, or climbing mountains. One of those Dirty Jobs that Mike Rowe is always trying to find and experience. So be it. I plan to be the last solitary wander that they ever kidnap with the intent to sell into slavery. My answer? You already know. Stop asking stupid questions. Rock-Paper-Scissors.

See, my plan is so, make a nuisance of myself until they get fed up with my mulishness. At that point, offer them a game of three, they win, I go quiet, I win, I leave the way I came. With those years of practicing the art I've dedicated my life to the art of Stooge-fu, and all without knowing it. You have the slap, the eye poke and the dreaded head bonk. Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk bitches. 5/5

Rochambeau. Drop whatever you're doing, and learn it now.