2012 Zombie Apocalypse
Warning: for the length of this post sarcasm will probably be indistinguishable from praise. I can't tell what I mean either.
Ah Netflix, my horrible enabler, you know me so well. I found this little gem in one of the 'you liked(watched) X so try Y' strings that Netflix is so infamous for. I have noticed that they sometimes make rather bizarre connections for their suggestions. But hey, I do like zombie movies and I do watch low budget flicks. This one is just my own damned fault. One day, Netflix will become sentient and it will look at my queue and history. And on that day my queue will disappear and be replaced with Shaun of the Dead.
From the get go, with the appearance of the Siffee(SyFy) logo, I knew I was in for quite a treat. I had found one of those delightful saturday morning films that the Siffee(the new name is functionally retarded and unnecessary, but what do you expect when a channel that features Science Fiction resorts to airing Professional Wrestling? Fooey and P'shaw) and it was about zombies! Of course I'm going to watch, I hate my brain too much not to.
I nearly turned it off after the intro. Standard zombie apocalypse, or even general plague outbreak movie premise. Outbreak begins and spreads and civilization collapses as people start dying (and getting up again) in the hundreds of millions. The outbreak began overseas, and was finally imported into the USA via Iowa. The geographic center of the country, well away from the borders and airports that might... No, must not over think this. Zombie movies don't have to make sense, they're about the dead coming back to life and attacking the living.
The military responds by blowing up bridges and roads to cut the arteries of traffic and stop the infection from spreading. This apparently didn't work because they end up unleashing Electromagnetic Pulses on the planet to stop the infected from traveling. Grrrrr. What a weak plot device to get the characters out and on their feet. Those who are bitten usually turn in a matter of minutes. Infected won't be traveling too far via those bad-assed Corvettes that they stole in their feeble last minutes of life. To me, this strategy would merely cripple the survivors and undermine their chances. After all, zombies also don't use phones or any other electronics. I think that they could have explained that reasoning better. Were survivors trying to whisk away their zombified loved ones in cars in the vein of Dawn of the Dead or Island of the Dead?
As such, it didn't make sense and that sticks in my craw. Nearly stopped the movie right there. But that sort of thing is what I expect in a Siffee movie. I've actually considered writing a script with the idea of making a Siffee made for tv movie, just for fun, and taking full advantage of the laxity to see what I could get away with. And you know that cliché where the Black guy always dies? Well this movie was a three-fer.
After the intro the movie opens a lot like the original Day of the Dead. It offers a good way to introduce the uninitiated into the lore of the zombie apocalypse. The dangers of being bitten. The only sure way to kill a zombie.
I nearly stopped the movie during the first fight scene when they whipped out the bad CGI effects. They just don't look right, and when poorly done they're just laughable. I have no idea what these things cost, but people have been using practical effects for years in low budget films. It seems a cop-out to me to skip that stage and just throw some 'eye-candy' in afterwards. Hopefully this phase is dying out and they recover the lost arts.
2012 offers a combination of zombie dynamics that I don't like. The fast zombie. And the zombie that is capable of learning. I like my zombies slow and dumb. Mostly because I am slow and dumb. I like the pressure of the millions of walking corpses that you can run from now but they will keep on coming and never give up. I think that this makes for a better atmosphere of horror. Though since I use it in my own stories I may be partial to the format. Despite what Romero says, I don't see zombies ever getting smarter. This movie presents them laying ambushes and actually dodging out of the way.
A philosophical nit-pick, and really it didn't take away from my enjoyment of the movie. I've stepped into their world and these are the rules that they chose to follow. At least the zombies didn't sparkle. Nor were they able to walk up walls and over ceilings( fuck you Day of the Dead “remake” Fuck you with a chainsaw!)
There were a number of good ideas in the movie that I really liked, and it avoided some traps that I've seen in other low budget flicks. Such as, aside from a wickedly tight pair of pants on the female lead, the women didn't dress skanky. And none of them were sporting shoes with high heels. There is a discussion of the advantages of bows over guns, and the disadvantages too. Clearly this screenplay was written by a zombie geek. Kudos my nerd brother.
I often contemplate the paradox involved in movies. By in large the people are pretty. Especially the women. This is a double-edge sword for me. On one hand it ruins the believability and prevents me from surrendering to the fantasy world that the film is working to create. If you have four women in your party and all of them range from pretty to beautiful, then... where do I go in life to have this mixture of beauty? My paranoia kicks in and this makes me wonder, did the menfolk just leave the ugmos as zombie bait? It adds another, darker layer, to my understanding of the film.
But then, we are all surrounded by the mundane, and the male actors aren't too bad looking either. Really, I come to the reverse edge, which is that I want to see pretty women on the screen. It may be that primitive part of my brain, but I am inclined to be interested in the fate of a hottie. Boobies > character development in an action movie. Who are we kidding, this was an action movie and we can't really expect the characters to grow and change in the span of a 90 minute slaughterfest.
They gave the Asian girl a samurai sword. Another cliché. I have a problem with the samurai sword on the simple fact that I have never seen a good one. The only swords I've really encountered in my travels have all been display models that are made of stainless steel. There must be well made and fully functional swords out there, but they have got to be rare and difficult to lay your hands on.
I would really like to see a movie where the filmmakers gave the actors a large trove of weapons and objects that could be used as weapons and then said “What do you think your character would use. What would you use?” And then let them puzzle it out. They also gave the characters armor. Laughable stuff such as shoulder-pads for football and shin guards.
Another minor peeve, the characters(actors) seemed to have been fairly clean all things considered. Their costumes were clean and intact. You would think that after months of walking, even with stops to raid stores
As it is, I watched the entire move all the way through. It was low budget and the CGI was annoying, but the movie was fun, the dialogue didn't make me groan, and it felt like a philosophical discussion/argument by the writer. I hate to give a back-handed compliment, but for a Siffee movie it was good. For a low budget zombie movie it was good.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Chemicals and cuts.
The wonders of healing.
Well, I already did a write-up on herb lore, and that post was hella-popular in Germany. I don't know why, I assume that it was a single individual hitting the post over and over again every day for a month. Or at least that's how I like to imagine the happening.
Anyhow, herbs have been seen to. But this leaves a large section of the healing arts untouched. It goes to assume that in the apocalypse people will take injury or become sick. All that extra stress, and those falling chunks of asteroids are going to play havoc on our delicate nerves. I swear I get the vapors just thinking about it all.
Medical science has expanded explosively over the last century. We've gone from 'bad air causes disease' to discovering the actual parasite culprits of so many of our woes. We've even managed to find ways to combat many of them, though as they grow and evolve they step beyond our current technology. Hey, it is highly possible that we've created our own apocalypse with these bounds in knowledge and technology. Honestly, our species has yet to fully understand the workings of our own bodies, and a little knowledge is dangerous indeed as we jump around and try to form hypothesis to explain observations.
Modern medicine, first aid aside, seems to be easily divided into two major categories. Cutting and chemicals. Surgery or Pharmacy. From what I've seen of those many delightful Hospital dramas, either one route or the other is often taken. Well, I admit that Dr. House might not be the best source of information on the subject. Shock I know, but it appears that sometimes television writers don't always do silly things like letting little things like Facts get in their way of telling a good story.
P'Shaw!
From my understanding there is usually two different approaches taken in day to day medicine. Either the patient is cut into through the delicate are of surgery or they are prescribed chemicals to alter the body's function. These are the two major approaches, broadly grouped, in the Western medical tradition. Once again, I am probably forgetting something but it's getting late and I'm tired. Plus, I really don't much pay attention to the medical profession. I don't think I can articulate the divide that well, as I do not Grok. But regardless, medicine and medical care are important. More so when the world becomes more dangerous. Unless the zombies have risen, then you'll wish you'd put your time into studying some proper marksmanship.
But for the rest...
There are so many different routes to take here and they all work together in a complex and interconnected fashion. First you have the doctors and other hospital staff. They diagnose any disorders and offer a plan for treatment. Be it “Acquire use this medicine” or “see this specialist for more options cause I'm out of my league.” Then you have the specialist fields, too many of which to name. Then there are the Nurses and Physicians Assistants and the rest of the crew who make up a functioning hospital. I really have no idea what they all do.
Ok, after six hours of waiting you've had your fifteen minutes of face time with the physician. Sweet. He told you to go pick up some chemical compound to help alleviate your symptoms. Cue a visit to the Pharmacist. Pharmacists(RPH) spend the same amount of time in school as do doctors. Though I think that their post-school fellowship is far shorter by a matter of years. The RPH specializes in all the chemicals that are produced as medication, and how those chemicals might interact with one another as well as with the human body. Most drugs have side-effects, some of which are unpleasant to say the least. As with many complicated systems, the more layers you add the more that can go wrong. This is where a good pharmacist comes in handy here and now.
In my writing I work under the assumption that some of the world's infrastructure will survive, and this means hospitals and pharmacies with parts of their stock and equipment will be there intact. I do mean part, as such places will probably be ransacked by the mob when things turn ugly. If you're part of that mob, how much more helpful to be able to tell the difference between Oxycodone, oxycotin and oxyclean? Yeah, that is a problem with medications, many of them have similar names, and most have radically different applications. No good for you you're looting a pharmacy to clear up a headache and take that shiny red caplet that cleans out constipation.
The problem here, is that both approaches involve years upon years of training and many of the areas of knowledge that lie under these branches are extremely specialized. The human body is far to complicated for most human beings to master more than a small piece of it's workings and mystery. In my years I've only gone so far to plumb the depths of it's secret workings to learn that sticking one's finger down their throat leads to unpleasant consequences(though funny in the right setting). I don't really have any interest in learning more about medicine – let alone devoting the next ten years of my life to learning the ropes of the profession. I'm a dabbler and that path is far to specialized.
My normal plan of “Buy book, read book when issue emerges” probably won't pay off this time around. PLAN B – locate and befriend a slew of medical professionals and hope that they survive the blast. Get plenty of vitamins and exercise in the meantime.
Plan B sucks.
Well, I already did a write-up on herb lore, and that post was hella-popular in Germany. I don't know why, I assume that it was a single individual hitting the post over and over again every day for a month. Or at least that's how I like to imagine the happening.
Anyhow, herbs have been seen to. But this leaves a large section of the healing arts untouched. It goes to assume that in the apocalypse people will take injury or become sick. All that extra stress, and those falling chunks of asteroids are going to play havoc on our delicate nerves. I swear I get the vapors just thinking about it all.
Medical science has expanded explosively over the last century. We've gone from 'bad air causes disease' to discovering the actual parasite culprits of so many of our woes. We've even managed to find ways to combat many of them, though as they grow and evolve they step beyond our current technology. Hey, it is highly possible that we've created our own apocalypse with these bounds in knowledge and technology. Honestly, our species has yet to fully understand the workings of our own bodies, and a little knowledge is dangerous indeed as we jump around and try to form hypothesis to explain observations.
Modern medicine, first aid aside, seems to be easily divided into two major categories. Cutting and chemicals. Surgery or Pharmacy. From what I've seen of those many delightful Hospital dramas, either one route or the other is often taken. Well, I admit that Dr. House might not be the best source of information on the subject. Shock I know, but it appears that sometimes television writers don't always do silly things like letting little things like Facts get in their way of telling a good story.
P'Shaw!
From my understanding there is usually two different approaches taken in day to day medicine. Either the patient is cut into through the delicate are of surgery or they are prescribed chemicals to alter the body's function. These are the two major approaches, broadly grouped, in the Western medical tradition. Once again, I am probably forgetting something but it's getting late and I'm tired. Plus, I really don't much pay attention to the medical profession. I don't think I can articulate the divide that well, as I do not Grok. But regardless, medicine and medical care are important. More so when the world becomes more dangerous. Unless the zombies have risen, then you'll wish you'd put your time into studying some proper marksmanship.
But for the rest...
There are so many different routes to take here and they all work together in a complex and interconnected fashion. First you have the doctors and other hospital staff. They diagnose any disorders and offer a plan for treatment. Be it “Acquire use this medicine” or “see this specialist for more options cause I'm out of my league.” Then you have the specialist fields, too many of which to name. Then there are the Nurses and Physicians Assistants and the rest of the crew who make up a functioning hospital. I really have no idea what they all do.
Ok, after six hours of waiting you've had your fifteen minutes of face time with the physician. Sweet. He told you to go pick up some chemical compound to help alleviate your symptoms. Cue a visit to the Pharmacist. Pharmacists(RPH) spend the same amount of time in school as do doctors. Though I think that their post-school fellowship is far shorter by a matter of years. The RPH specializes in all the chemicals that are produced as medication, and how those chemicals might interact with one another as well as with the human body. Most drugs have side-effects, some of which are unpleasant to say the least. As with many complicated systems, the more layers you add the more that can go wrong. This is where a good pharmacist comes in handy here and now.
In my writing I work under the assumption that some of the world's infrastructure will survive, and this means hospitals and pharmacies with parts of their stock and equipment will be there intact. I do mean part, as such places will probably be ransacked by the mob when things turn ugly. If you're part of that mob, how much more helpful to be able to tell the difference between Oxycodone, oxycotin and oxyclean? Yeah, that is a problem with medications, many of them have similar names, and most have radically different applications. No good for you you're looting a pharmacy to clear up a headache and take that shiny red caplet that cleans out constipation.
The problem here, is that both approaches involve years upon years of training and many of the areas of knowledge that lie under these branches are extremely specialized. The human body is far to complicated for most human beings to master more than a small piece of it's workings and mystery. In my years I've only gone so far to plumb the depths of it's secret workings to learn that sticking one's finger down their throat leads to unpleasant consequences(though funny in the right setting). I don't really have any interest in learning more about medicine – let alone devoting the next ten years of my life to learning the ropes of the profession. I'm a dabbler and that path is far to specialized.
My normal plan of “Buy book, read book when issue emerges” probably won't pay off this time around. PLAN B – locate and befriend a slew of medical professionals and hope that they survive the blast. Get plenty of vitamins and exercise in the meantime.
Plan B sucks.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
One Day You Too Could be a Badassed Biker
Transportation after the Apocalypse, the topic comes up quite often around here. I assume that there will be a point sometime after the collapse of society where you might want to get out of your basement bunker and go out and get some sun while seeing the remnants of the world. Maybe you'll be looking for some food that doesn't come from a can and is covered in brown 'gravy' or a working flux capacitor or some new nudie mags. You know, the necessities of life.
As you emerge and decide to wander the ruined face of the planet a mode of reliable transportation other than your own feet could be highly desirable. After months in the dark and dank dungeonesque confines, you might not be an efficient ambler. And even if you are, your foraging will be limited by how much you can carry. There is a reason why humans worked so hard to tame horses. And then have since gone onto building greater and more powerful modes of transport.
I've discussed the topic before in a previous post. I don't recall what option I backed at the time.
Hundreds of Millions, of not Billions of people all around the world use bicycles for their routine transportation needs. The Bicycle has been popular for more than a hundred years. Owning and learning to ride a bicycle is a rite of passage for many American children, especially those who live in suburban or rural areas. As a kid it seemed to take an hour to walk even a mile. I attribute this to the fact that children have short legs and a poor sense of time. A bike gives a child some freedom as their horizons expand.
Learning was intimidating as a child. My first bike was black with yellow highlights and came with training wheels. I would wish that the rest of life had training wheels, if I knew what the wish meant. Sounds absurd right?
It is possible to install a small engine to transform them into Motorcycles. This makes the bicycle fantastically adaptable.
I know how to ride a bike. I picked up the skill when I was six, though I'm not too practiced these days. I have a car for long distance travel and prefer my to have my feet on the ground for exercise purposes. I loved my bike as a kid, and had at least one stolen, mostly due to my own lack of care – a hard lesson learned for a 9 year old. My bike sits in storage waiting the final days, where it will remain until it is needed.
The pros: A bicycle is quiet and has unlimited energy. They're light enough to carry up stairs. Mechanically they're really simple and easy to maintain and repair. No additional and exotic fuel is necessary to operate them, just human food. Riding a bike can be fantastic exercise, good for the legs and heart.
Cons: they are relatively slow when compared to either motorcycles or horses. Lots of physical labor, and thus burned calories – calories you may need to survive. The helmets look stupid, even for Wasteland-Chic, unless you're the dorky side-kick and comic relief. There are lighter load limits for baggage, and I'm a hoarder.
In one of the recent issues of Popular Mechanics, there was an article about various motorcycles. They were off-road and Highway hybrids. Bikes built to handle both sets of terrain reasonably well. The article sparked a desire in my heart that my brain quickly quashed, and that is to buy one of these bikes and tour the country.
I would like to learn how to ride a motorcycle. Sort of. Maybe. Really, all the coolest post-apocalyptic survivors wear spiked leather, a cod piece and power around on motorcycles. They have canned dog food for lunch and rape for dinner – because Fuck Sky Cake! I want to be a cool PA survivor, fit in and all that.
I suspect, and mind I've not put the theory to practice, but all the credits I took as a kid in riding a bicycle should be easily transferred to the new school. There are the balance and physics issues that have been hardwired into my brain since childhood – sure there are greater speeds and weights involved – I think of it as an advanced course.
A scary advanced course.
What I worry about is the fact that I have a short attention span, and a tendency to let my mind drift off. Add this to my innate clumsiness and Zipping along on a two-wheeled nightmare of death. I have a feeling that there will be explosions in my future. Motorcycles can be extremely fast. This isn't a good factor to throw into the ring. This fear remains in my mind even as I sit in my living room and type this.
Here's what I am trying to find out: Where do I go to take lessons in motorcycling? And how much do those classes cost? There are driving schools, and piloting schools. Schools for handgun use. Sure there must be some community college somewhere that teaches hacks like me about wrestling a hog.
Pros: Fast. Small. Workhorse. Excellent fuel economy(some of the smaller bikes get 90mpg – the larger ones range around 45 to 60). Highly Mobile over a variety of terrain where an automobile could never pass. Intimidation/cool/rogue factor – you just look good straddling a bike. Skills from riding a bicycle apply.
Cons: Difficult to repair/maintain. Heavy and difficult to move when the engine isn't working. Loud. Limited baggage and few passengers. More difficult than a bicycle to operate.
You know what I like about cars? That metal cage to protect me. I like that they keep the elements off, they're like a rolling shelter. They can even carry more of my possessions. But I will let my car go for a bike of some sort.
As you emerge and decide to wander the ruined face of the planet a mode of reliable transportation other than your own feet could be highly desirable. After months in the dark and dank dungeonesque confines, you might not be an efficient ambler. And even if you are, your foraging will be limited by how much you can carry. There is a reason why humans worked so hard to tame horses. And then have since gone onto building greater and more powerful modes of transport.
I've discussed the topic before in a previous post. I don't recall what option I backed at the time.
Hundreds of Millions, of not Billions of people all around the world use bicycles for their routine transportation needs. The Bicycle has been popular for more than a hundred years. Owning and learning to ride a bicycle is a rite of passage for many American children, especially those who live in suburban or rural areas. As a kid it seemed to take an hour to walk even a mile. I attribute this to the fact that children have short legs and a poor sense of time. A bike gives a child some freedom as their horizons expand.
Learning was intimidating as a child. My first bike was black with yellow highlights and came with training wheels. I would wish that the rest of life had training wheels, if I knew what the wish meant. Sounds absurd right?
It is possible to install a small engine to transform them into Motorcycles. This makes the bicycle fantastically adaptable.
I know how to ride a bike. I picked up the skill when I was six, though I'm not too practiced these days. I have a car for long distance travel and prefer my to have my feet on the ground for exercise purposes. I loved my bike as a kid, and had at least one stolen, mostly due to my own lack of care – a hard lesson learned for a 9 year old. My bike sits in storage waiting the final days, where it will remain until it is needed.
The pros: A bicycle is quiet and has unlimited energy. They're light enough to carry up stairs. Mechanically they're really simple and easy to maintain and repair. No additional and exotic fuel is necessary to operate them, just human food. Riding a bike can be fantastic exercise, good for the legs and heart.
Cons: they are relatively slow when compared to either motorcycles or horses. Lots of physical labor, and thus burned calories – calories you may need to survive. The helmets look stupid, even for Wasteland-Chic, unless you're the dorky side-kick and comic relief. There are lighter load limits for baggage, and I'm a hoarder.
In one of the recent issues of Popular Mechanics, there was an article about various motorcycles. They were off-road and Highway hybrids. Bikes built to handle both sets of terrain reasonably well. The article sparked a desire in my heart that my brain quickly quashed, and that is to buy one of these bikes and tour the country.
I would like to learn how to ride a motorcycle. Sort of. Maybe. Really, all the coolest post-apocalyptic survivors wear spiked leather, a cod piece and power around on motorcycles. They have canned dog food for lunch and rape for dinner – because Fuck Sky Cake! I want to be a cool PA survivor, fit in and all that.
I suspect, and mind I've not put the theory to practice, but all the credits I took as a kid in riding a bicycle should be easily transferred to the new school. There are the balance and physics issues that have been hardwired into my brain since childhood – sure there are greater speeds and weights involved – I think of it as an advanced course.
A scary advanced course.
What I worry about is the fact that I have a short attention span, and a tendency to let my mind drift off. Add this to my innate clumsiness and Zipping along on a two-wheeled nightmare of death. I have a feeling that there will be explosions in my future. Motorcycles can be extremely fast. This isn't a good factor to throw into the ring. This fear remains in my mind even as I sit in my living room and type this.
Here's what I am trying to find out: Where do I go to take lessons in motorcycling? And how much do those classes cost? There are driving schools, and piloting schools. Schools for handgun use. Sure there must be some community college somewhere that teaches hacks like me about wrestling a hog.
Pros: Fast. Small. Workhorse. Excellent fuel economy(some of the smaller bikes get 90mpg – the larger ones range around 45 to 60). Highly Mobile over a variety of terrain where an automobile could never pass. Intimidation/cool/rogue factor – you just look good straddling a bike. Skills from riding a bicycle apply.
Cons: Difficult to repair/maintain. Heavy and difficult to move when the engine isn't working. Loud. Limited baggage and few passengers. More difficult than a bicycle to operate.
You know what I like about cars? That metal cage to protect me. I like that they keep the elements off, they're like a rolling shelter. They can even carry more of my possessions. But I will let my car go for a bike of some sort.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Look at the Puppy!
Who doesn't like puppies? Well, I'm not too fond of them. They're cute but slobbery and needy. Then pets in general do require a lot of time and attention. And people too. Time that I could be devoting to internet porn. Stupid distractions taking time away from the important things in life.
I'm not really a dog person. I'd make a fine hermit if I could swing it. So long as I could get DSL hooked up in my cave.
But, when comes the apocalypse there will come a sad day when that connection to the net will become spotty at best. People and pets will become important replacements for companionship when you (I) lose the low-budget pixelated goodness that was so often relied upon in the past. Sad day.
What can a well trained dog do that porn can't? There are so many blue responses to that question, that I shall refrain from uttering even a one. You however may knock yourselves out.
Humanity's relationship with Canines began some 15,000 years ago. Unless you're a new earth biblical literalist, then it began sometime between yesterday and 6000 years ago. Anyhow, Canines are pack animals with a hierarchy that humans subsumed and took over in those last few thousand years before the rise of civilization.
The Human-Canine pairing has been an extremely beneficial partnership to both species. We are slightly more intelligent and have opposable thumbs which allow us to operate doors, vehicles and can-openers while they're talents lie in peeing on things (Even the best human isn't a tenth as talented as a dog in this arena), with extraordinarily sharp senses of smell and hearing.
Dogs are swift and tireless runners with hearing that extends well beyond our range and a sense of smell that dwarfs our own. As previously stated. This would make them valuable in the activities of hunting and sentry duty. As anyone out there with a dog can attest, especially when there is a particularly bad infestation of squirrels to be dealt with. They are ever alert and willing to protect the borders of their yards from incursions. They have in the past been used as pest control (rats and other varmints)
In addition to that, they're affectionate and obedient – which are the two traits that most of modern humanity seems to praise in their animal companionship. Dogs give the illusion of always loving their pack leaders/owners no matter what kind of an asshole you are. You always have the dog. I personally don't like that sort of slavishness in pet or person. I want some level of self-reliance in those around me.
But this is what they have been bred for. Some of them. Others seem to exist for celebutants to haul around in their purses. There are literally hundreds of breeds of dogs – all of which, no matter the shape and size, can interbreed with one another.. For those last fifteen thousand years, we've been selecting the traits that we like and reinforcing them. As such there is a breed for about every purpose imaginable. From herding to guarding to sitting on laps and barking at the neighbors.
As such, many breeds have become overbred and inbred to the point of weakness and collapse as their gene pool is narrowed to a very small spectrum. They have developed genetic psychological and physiological problems. I think I would prefer some solid and heavily mixed mutt. It is quite amazing how widely this species has been altered. Chihuahuas and Saint Bernards are part of the same species(and they would make some bizarre puppies).
When the chosen cataclysm arrives their acute senses will once again rise into ascension. Dogs will no longer be companions, but pack members. Where they belong.
Have I won you over to the dog's cause yet?
The one trick to having a dog around is that they, like humans, need to be trained. They need to be taught to crap outdoors and not to steal food from the table. They need to be instructed that the mailman is our friend. Many breeds of dogs are very clever and intelligent, about as much so as human children. They can understand words and tone, and are able to communicate in their own way. They're pack animals, but also creatures with needs and desires of their own. They understand fairness, if not equality. Many exhibit a range emotions beyond even the capabilities of some humans.
They will be a valuable addition to any pack, with aforementioned training. Consistent treatment. Dogs needs discipline, exercise and affection, in that order.
I must say, I know jack about training a dog. I've seen several episodes of the Dog Whisperer, but I've never put the man's teachings into practice. One day, perhaps, when I have a place to live that can bear a dog's inhabitation more than my small apartment. Then, I'll be joining the masses in teaching my puppy useless tricks. - I'm not a terrible fan of dogs, but for some reason I do want one, because in the end, I do like them.
I'm not really a dog person. I'd make a fine hermit if I could swing it. So long as I could get DSL hooked up in my cave.
But, when comes the apocalypse there will come a sad day when that connection to the net will become spotty at best. People and pets will become important replacements for companionship when you (I) lose the low-budget pixelated goodness that was so often relied upon in the past. Sad day.
What can a well trained dog do that porn can't? There are so many blue responses to that question, that I shall refrain from uttering even a one. You however may knock yourselves out.
Humanity's relationship with Canines began some 15,000 years ago. Unless you're a new earth biblical literalist, then it began sometime between yesterday and 6000 years ago. Anyhow, Canines are pack animals with a hierarchy that humans subsumed and took over in those last few thousand years before the rise of civilization.
The Human-Canine pairing has been an extremely beneficial partnership to both species. We are slightly more intelligent and have opposable thumbs which allow us to operate doors, vehicles and can-openers while they're talents lie in peeing on things (Even the best human isn't a tenth as talented as a dog in this arena), with extraordinarily sharp senses of smell and hearing.
Dogs are swift and tireless runners with hearing that extends well beyond our range and a sense of smell that dwarfs our own. As previously stated. This would make them valuable in the activities of hunting and sentry duty. As anyone out there with a dog can attest, especially when there is a particularly bad infestation of squirrels to be dealt with. They are ever alert and willing to protect the borders of their yards from incursions. They have in the past been used as pest control (rats and other varmints)
In addition to that, they're affectionate and obedient – which are the two traits that most of modern humanity seems to praise in their animal companionship. Dogs give the illusion of always loving their pack leaders/owners no matter what kind of an asshole you are. You always have the dog. I personally don't like that sort of slavishness in pet or person. I want some level of self-reliance in those around me.
But this is what they have been bred for. Some of them. Others seem to exist for celebutants to haul around in their purses. There are literally hundreds of breeds of dogs – all of which, no matter the shape and size, can interbreed with one another.. For those last fifteen thousand years, we've been selecting the traits that we like and reinforcing them. As such there is a breed for about every purpose imaginable. From herding to guarding to sitting on laps and barking at the neighbors.
As such, many breeds have become overbred and inbred to the point of weakness and collapse as their gene pool is narrowed to a very small spectrum. They have developed genetic psychological and physiological problems. I think I would prefer some solid and heavily mixed mutt. It is quite amazing how widely this species has been altered. Chihuahuas and Saint Bernards are part of the same species(and they would make some bizarre puppies).
When the chosen cataclysm arrives their acute senses will once again rise into ascension. Dogs will no longer be companions, but pack members. Where they belong.
Have I won you over to the dog's cause yet?
The one trick to having a dog around is that they, like humans, need to be trained. They need to be taught to crap outdoors and not to steal food from the table. They need to be instructed that the mailman is our friend. Many breeds of dogs are very clever and intelligent, about as much so as human children. They can understand words and tone, and are able to communicate in their own way. They're pack animals, but also creatures with needs and desires of their own. They understand fairness, if not equality. Many exhibit a range emotions beyond even the capabilities of some humans.
They will be a valuable addition to any pack, with aforementioned training. Consistent treatment. Dogs needs discipline, exercise and affection, in that order.
I must say, I know jack about training a dog. I've seen several episodes of the Dog Whisperer, but I've never put the man's teachings into practice. One day, perhaps, when I have a place to live that can bear a dog's inhabitation more than my small apartment. Then, I'll be joining the masses in teaching my puppy useless tricks. - I'm not a terrible fan of dogs, but for some reason I do want one, because in the end, I do like them.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Quoth the Bruce: Hooch for the Pooch
Wine, whiskey, beer. Booze. The Nectar of the Gods.
I am a teetotaler. I shall admit this right away. I'll let Penn Jillette explain it for you. Though my folks weren't teetotalers. And I've tasted wine and beer. I use wine for cooking – tip, it makes foods taste better. I've never at all been interested in getting drunk. Many of my friends and family are fond of imbibing.
On with it.
Aside from the obvious intoxicant purposes, Ethanol has many beneficial uses. Cooking was mentioned above. Alcohol can be burned in an internal combustion engine as a source of fuel. In strong enough concentrations it can be used as a relatively harmless anti-biotic on human skin as it kills bacteria and viruses on contact.
When consumed by humans and other animals it has a profound chemical effect on the brain and alters the function. This is why it has been prized by Western society for the last 10,000 years. In many societies, the English Royal Navy being one, booze was a part of the daily rations. It provides both the pleasant effects and also acts as a source of fuel for the human body. Alcohol is high in carbohydrates. The side effect being a tendency for it to be turned into fat in the human body. Think “Beer Gut”.
Alcohol is a liquid formed by the fermentation of various types of plant matter. Basically, a natural group of fungii feed on the sugar in fruits and grains and created the bi-product that is ethanol(among others, but ethanol is the one that humans consume for pleasure). That's right, alcohol is the excrement of mushrooms. This makes the first type of alcohol. Beer and wine are the most notable.
Step two, which is optional, is distilling the liquid. This involves slowly boiling the mixture in a still and separating the alcohol from the rest of the mixture and thus concentrating it. This is the process that they use to make the hard liquors such as whiskey and other spirits such as vodka and brandy.
Depending on the type of Apocalypse(come on Zombies!) there may be a plethora of available booze to choose from for years to come. Some of it gets better with time, for a while at least. But it can be expected that most alcohol will have a fairly long and stable shelf-life. How long? I don't know. Too many factors including how the bottles are arranged when they're stored, light and humidity. It seems that keeping the confection away from light and at a constant and relatively cool temperature is suggested by those in the know.
As a teetotaler why would I ever go into the alcohol business? Well there's the chance that I might gain appreciation for the nectar. But this is unlikely. Other people will want booze though. Humanity likes to drink when times are good and loves the sauce when times are bad. Getting drunk is escapism – and should be much more in demand if the world truly goes to hell.
Trade though is the biggest reason. If you've seen Romero's movie Land of the Dead, there is a scene where some of the scavengers raid a liquor store to trade to the folks back home. Which in and of itself is believable. The part that I can't buy is that society in the movie is still employing Yankee Geenbacks. Paper money is abundant and its value will be nothing after a cataclysm. Gold and gemstones are about the same, as any one of hundreds of jewelry stores across the continent will be rife with the sparklies. None of which have any real value and instead are more a symbol of wealth. They're tokens or coupons.
With a crash of currency, will come a barter economy. Skills and goods. Skills to make goods.
This is to say, booze will sell well and it's a fine trade item that, if you have the right knowledge and equipment, you can restock with relative ease. And unless the wastelands are taken over by overly moral religious zealots then booze will be eternally popular. If the zealots do take control, booze will still be popular, just more dangerous to deal in.
Urban Survival Guide I just read this, he has quite a list of different trade items to stockpile. Peruse at your leisure. Mind, he is quite serious about the subject.
If you want to practice now, there are widely available home brewing and wine making kits. They range from $25 on up. What makes one better than another, I admit no clue.
I am a teetotaler. I shall admit this right away. I'll let Penn Jillette explain it for you. Though my folks weren't teetotalers. And I've tasted wine and beer. I use wine for cooking – tip, it makes foods taste better. I've never at all been interested in getting drunk. Many of my friends and family are fond of imbibing.
On with it.
Aside from the obvious intoxicant purposes, Ethanol has many beneficial uses. Cooking was mentioned above. Alcohol can be burned in an internal combustion engine as a source of fuel. In strong enough concentrations it can be used as a relatively harmless anti-biotic on human skin as it kills bacteria and viruses on contact.
When consumed by humans and other animals it has a profound chemical effect on the brain and alters the function. This is why it has been prized by Western society for the last 10,000 years. In many societies, the English Royal Navy being one, booze was a part of the daily rations. It provides both the pleasant effects and also acts as a source of fuel for the human body. Alcohol is high in carbohydrates. The side effect being a tendency for it to be turned into fat in the human body. Think “Beer Gut”.
Alcohol is a liquid formed by the fermentation of various types of plant matter. Basically, a natural group of fungii feed on the sugar in fruits and grains and created the bi-product that is ethanol(among others, but ethanol is the one that humans consume for pleasure). That's right, alcohol is the excrement of mushrooms. This makes the first type of alcohol. Beer and wine are the most notable.
Step two, which is optional, is distilling the liquid. This involves slowly boiling the mixture in a still and separating the alcohol from the rest of the mixture and thus concentrating it. This is the process that they use to make the hard liquors such as whiskey and other spirits such as vodka and brandy.
Depending on the type of Apocalypse(come on Zombies!) there may be a plethora of available booze to choose from for years to come. Some of it gets better with time, for a while at least. But it can be expected that most alcohol will have a fairly long and stable shelf-life. How long? I don't know. Too many factors including how the bottles are arranged when they're stored, light and humidity. It seems that keeping the confection away from light and at a constant and relatively cool temperature is suggested by those in the know.
As a teetotaler why would I ever go into the alcohol business? Well there's the chance that I might gain appreciation for the nectar. But this is unlikely. Other people will want booze though. Humanity likes to drink when times are good and loves the sauce when times are bad. Getting drunk is escapism – and should be much more in demand if the world truly goes to hell.
Trade though is the biggest reason. If you've seen Romero's movie Land of the Dead, there is a scene where some of the scavengers raid a liquor store to trade to the folks back home. Which in and of itself is believable. The part that I can't buy is that society in the movie is still employing Yankee Geenbacks. Paper money is abundant and its value will be nothing after a cataclysm. Gold and gemstones are about the same, as any one of hundreds of jewelry stores across the continent will be rife with the sparklies. None of which have any real value and instead are more a symbol of wealth. They're tokens or coupons.
With a crash of currency, will come a barter economy. Skills and goods. Skills to make goods.
This is to say, booze will sell well and it's a fine trade item that, if you have the right knowledge and equipment, you can restock with relative ease. And unless the wastelands are taken over by overly moral religious zealots then booze will be eternally popular. If the zealots do take control, booze will still be popular, just more dangerous to deal in.
Urban Survival Guide I just read this, he has quite a list of different trade items to stockpile. Peruse at your leisure. Mind, he is quite serious about the subject.
If you want to practice now, there are widely available home brewing and wine making kits. They range from $25 on up. What makes one better than another, I admit no clue.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)