Women love a man who can handle a stick.

Recently (September of 2010) I learned how to operate an automobile equipped with a manual transmission. This was possible only with the help of Google and Youtube. Youtube actually became useful, rather than being a repository for the stupidity of our species(both in video format, and the comments of the idiots who view the videos. Whence comes the revolution, youtube flame-warriors will be the second against the wall. Right after the religious zealotry).

As a side note. I detest people who make idiotic and often irrelevant comments “about” youtube videos. I detest them. All it takes to get me to offer a prayer to the coming of Gozer the Destructor is a brief foray into the jungle of stupid. I hate it, and yet sometimes I cannot help a glance, as I find myself scrolling down to see what sorts of opinions the video of a cat playing a keyboard has generated. It's like Heroine, the shit is killing my soul, I can feel it wither away with each half-thought spatter of , and yet I keep going back. My foresight in creating this blog aside, I am clearly not bright enough to long survive the apocalypse. For I will be the schmuck who keeps visiting Barter Town even after being stabbed the first two times.

Anyways, I too lessons from Youtube. Some were actually fairly helpful and well presented. Check out the bandanned Hippy! But since this is youtube we're talking about, most of what I found was incompetent drivel.

In the states at least, so it appears, most cars made and sold these days are Automatics. Somewhere back in the past someone said 'manually switching gears in an automobile is quite tricky. Surely we can make this simpler for the masses.' and they are correct, driving a manual is tricky, it takes practice to acquire the timing necessary not to stall out. And there's always the worry, especially when you're stopped on a hill, that you won't move fast enough (see Bill Cosby talking about driving a manual in San Francisco). This is the same set of logic that gave us Operating Systems with the Graphical User Interface and mechanical machines to wash our clothing. The Automatic is a wonderful labor-saving device.

It's just not as fun to play with, as it removes some of the skill aspect from driving a car.

Driving a Manual is a dying art, sad to say, at least in the States. I have formed the opinion that Manuals should be made mandatory on all vehicles. Not out of any pretentious douchery on my part relating to the purity of the art of driving. No, this is more practical. I have observed that driving a manual makes it impossible to operate a telephone while driving. You can't put on makeup. One hand is busy with the stick while the other is glued to the wheel. Operating a manual forces you to pay attention to the act of driving, which is what you should be doing. That way, nobody gets hurt because you're acting like a dumbass.



Ok. There are a couple of definite benefits of a manual transmission in a post-apocalyptic setting. Fuel efficiency is the first. Manuals are usually more fuel efficient, by on average a couple miles to the gallon, than automatics. Though that margin seems to be slimming with the arrival of new technology. A couple miles per gallon can mean quite a distance over the course of months or years, especially in a wasteland where fuel is scarce. Even on a small vehicle, that's 20 miles of extra distance over the course of a tank. 20 miles makes for a long ass walk through zombie infested nuclear wastelands.

Reason two. You can push start a manual. In some cases of mechanical failure with the starter, the engine can be ignited by getting it up over a certain speed. Which is really easy to do if you're lucky enough to be parked on top of a hill, or have friends to help you. A moot point if you're alone on the plains. Time to get your bike out. Hope you brought it.

Three. Mechanically, a manual trans. is relatively simple device compared to its counterpart. It is smaller, more compact and lighter. And thus will be easier to replace if that part were to fail on you. Assuming you just couldn't find another vehicle (and were able to locate parts, etc.).

Four. In my experience, a manual can get up to top speed a lot faster than an automatic. Though this burns fuel quickly, it may come in handy during one of those tense scenes where you and your pursuers are stuck at a stop light, waiting for it to turn green so that you can renew the chase sequence. It really ramps up the excitement!

Guns two. Cause I'm impaitent.

A few things I neglected in the last post.

Sidearms/Handguns. These are much more difficult to use effectively than longarms/rifles. They tend to lack less power, have a shorter range, and are far less accurate -I believe most handguns are only reliable to around fifty meters. Not to mention a wilder tendency in the actual discharge. Handguns require a lot more practice to master than do rifles and the like. In addition the ammunition can be more difficult to acquire, especially in a post apocalyptic setting. Rifles and shotguns, they're widely used for hunting. Handguns are made for 'self-defense' purposes. So, less ammunition is available at stores like Walmart, at least compared to the widely available 12-gauge shotgun shells.

Well, why bother then?

They have their purposes. They have a high rate of fire. They're easier to reload. They're easier to conceal. And they're better at close quarters. They're similar to bladed weapons in this respect. Sometimes you'll want an axe, others a sword or a spear. And still others a dagger will come in most handy.

They're easy to use with one hand. Ever see a car chase where the driver pulls out a rifle, sticks it out the window, and fires it. Then repeats the process? No. Or one of those gunfights that involves jumping through the air and unloading two weapons at once? That sort of pace is difficult to keep up when you're sporting twin shotguns.

And when was the last time you were stalking the halls of an abandoned high school searching for that gang of thugs that has been stalking you, and you thought “Damn I'm glad I brought the mini-gun along.”

Hell, even committing suicide to prevent capture/reanimation as a zombie, is a lot easier with a .45 than a M-16.

For most of these, a sub-machinegun is a fair option too. Though they're far less concealable, heavier and tend to spend ammunition like a Hotel Heiress in Beverlyhills with Daddy's Credit Card. Hey, whatever works. And it's not like one will always have a choice over what weapons they can find.

Improvise. Practice. Look downright badass.

Guns guns everywhere, and not a drop to drink.

Using a firearm is repetitively simple. Like using any weapon or tool. Assuming the gun is primed and ready, you just pull the trigger. The hammer hits the primer causing a violent chemical reaction that leads to a controlled explosion. An instant later a projectile (or many in the case of buckshot and the like) emerges from the barrel traveling hundreds of feet per second. The projectile(s) travel until their energy is spent.

Depending on the charge and shape/mass of the projectile and the amount of powder involved, they can even penetrate substantial quantities of matter before coming to a rest.

Fun stuff huh?

I grew up in Alaska. You would think that I would have learned all about firearms(guns) with my mother's milk. And after a fashion you'd be correct. Given time, I think I might be able to figure out how to figure out most weapons, but I still don't know much in the realm of cleaning and maintenance. These are important factors. If you don't take care of your tools properly they tend to fail. And as a complex machine, the parts in most firearms tend to wear with time. A broken gun is only really useful as a club.

On the whole shooting is easy. A. Point weapon. B. Squeeze trigger. Repeat as necessary until you either run out of ammunition,or targets. Or are yourself killed/neutralized. Modern industry has made it so. Or rather, shooting is easy to learn and more challenging to master. Assuming that you actually want to hit what you're aiming at. That takes lots of practice. And a decent understanding of physics.

The first concern is a common one. Gravity. Eventually the speed of the projectile is going to be overcome by wind resistance and the pull of gravity and the bullet will be fall back to earth. How fast this happens, depends on the weapon. The M-16 tends to have better range and accuracy than the rival AK-47. I don't recall if this holds for the updated AK-74 or not.

Then there's the wind, it has a tendency to alter the path of the projectile.

All you really need to do is line up the sights, and adjust for wind and gravity.

This of course is all fine and good, when you're shooting at a paper target. Not so much so when the target is shooting back. So, get some practice.

Really, why bother talk about this one? Guns will probably come in handy no matter how civilization falls. More so with some than others. At least in the short term before the stockpile of ammunition is blown through. If you learn to shoot straight, you'll use less ammo, and your stash will last that much longer. Then you'll need to fall back on clubs and pointed sticks and what-not. Assuming you survive that long.

One shot, one kill.

John Carpenter, you so crazy.

The Mouth of Madness. 1994. Color. No nudity – jerks.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113409/

Well, first off, this is an Apocalyptic flick rather than Post Apocalyptic. It portrays the events leading up to the end of the world. Good enough. Besides, I love me some John Carpenter and am always willing to give one of his movies a viewing. You ever seen Big Trouble in Little China? Yes? Then you know why.

Our movie tonight revolves around a hot-shot insurance claims adjuster. Sexy no? His job, his whole life, is that of a skeptic who catches con-artists in the act of defrauding the insurance companies. Burned down your wife to collect the policy? Not so fast. Not while our man is on the job bitch. He will somehow manage to get your dog to rat you out and send your ass to prison. Yeah, that is one super badass that we have here. An insurance adjuster. Our last line of defense end of the world.

Fuck. We're doomed.

The plot centers around a New England horror writer, who seems to be a combination of the might of Steven King and H.P. Lovecraft. He writes novels about a small New England town and the terrifying monsters that lie beneath and the insanity that they bring with them. Fun stuff. Enough so that he brings in billions and billions of dollars, and when he disappears before his last book is completed, his publisher Moses(Chuck Heston himself) wants him found.

So who do they call? The A-Team? McGyver? Rambo? Do I need to ask this question? Do I need to answer it? No.

He's saddled with a hot chick, the missing writer's editor, and sent off to figure out where a man whom none of them had ever seen before due to the fact that he's a creepy recluse who only contact with the publisher is through his literary agent. Conveniently enough, the literary agent tries to plant an axe in our hero and is gunned down by the cops. I wonder if this is a satirical stab at literary agents. The heartless bastards.

This all leaves our hero on his own to solve the puzzle. And so he does, sending him to New Hampshire of all places, to try and find a town that doesn't exist on any maps. Mmmmmm, just a hint of Twilight Zone. Zesty.

I shall cut it short. They find the town that doesn't exist. The town's fucked up. There are deep spiritual, philosophical, and metaphysical questions asked on the meaning of life, the universe and everything. As well as the nature of reality and the power of individuals and groups to alter that reality by thought and belief.

And then John Carpenter rapes your brain.

Watch it. I endorse this one heartily. But on with the review, and what we learned from the movie.

Alright, first, remember how I said that reading was the ultimate skill to be had in the post apocalyptic world? Well fuck all that. Reading brought around the end of the world. Who saw that coming? Building cybernetic warriors, this I can believe. Or playing God and creating a supervirus, totally plausible. But end of the world through horror novel? Dick move. What are we going to read when the wold does come to an end? Poetry and technical handbooks? Shit. Worst Apocalypse Ever.

No, wait. I reserve the spot of Worst Apocalypse Ever for the Internet Porn Apocalypse. Where net-porn will bring about the end of the world. Creepy Horror Novel Apocalypse is just a close second.

The Art of the Silver Tongue.

Or maybe slippery tongue. Silver might not get you to where you're going.

No, I'm not referring to being able to use words to sway people, though that is beneficial to say the least and nobody can really argue that point. No, I'm sticking to the gutter where I belong and am referring to the act(s) of Oral Sex.

This one will be short as it applies to every conceivable scenario I can imagine equally.

For those of you who live under a rock, or just like my explanations of the obvious, Oral Sex is giving another human(usually) sexual pleasure using your mouth through a combination of licking, kissing, and sucking. Use of hands is optional but generally appreciated. Mastery of Oral Sex will get you far in life, maybe. At the very least it will make you a lot of friends and keep your lovers happy and content. So feel free to learn and practice the art of giving head for your day to day life. You may need to rely on it some day.

Watch as George Carlin sums up the value of said skill in rather straight forward words and imagery. George lives his life by the unwritten book. Enjoy.

So, go out and find someone to practice on today. Any women aged 18 through 35, I will be glad to be your study partner.

How does this transfer to the Apocalypse? Well extrapolate on George Carlin's words and just imagine that You're in Barter Town, Aunty Entity asks you what you can do to get your car back... You may be slow of speech, but she'd still be impressed that you were quick of tongue. Boom, you gots your car back and a tank full of the juice, and you managed to avoid fighting Blaster-Master in Thunderdome. Which is cool, cause even in a shit-hole the likes of BarterTown hitting retards still isn't cool. Especially retards with super-human strength and access to chainsaws.

Sometimes it's just wiser to take one in the mouth. Thanks Mr. Carlin.