Sunday, January 16, 2011

Peter Piper picked a plethora of pesky padlocks.

What I love about most post-apocalyptic scenarios is the empty(mostly) cities that are scattered about the landscape. I can't wait. I'll finally be able to do some urban exploring without running into the possibility of being pinched for trespassing. What's the downside here? Doors. Doors with locks on them. As I've yet to learn the art of transubstantiation, my only options are break a window or to get around the lock. Breaking windows and kicking down doors tends to be loud and conspicuous. You'll draw a lot of attention to yourself. Not good when the streets are crawling with gangs of nazi bikers. Or zombies. Or Zombie Nazis And then what will you do? You just broke the only barrier between your sorry self and the hordes of the Dead Reich.

Dummy. A little stealth goes a long way.

Lock Picking is a very specialized set of skills. With them the master will have the ability to manipulate the tumblers inside a lock and thus get it to release. Here's a decent primer on it, with pictures and video about how locks work. Mind, possessing lock-picking tools is generally, at best, in a legal grey area, at least here in the USA. Most states lock-picking sets are, like say a crowbar, completely legal. Unless you intend to use them. So, you're probably ok,

It appears that some sites sell starter sets for as little as twenty dollars a pop. A search of Amazon brings up nothing useful. So I once again question the legality of the picks, especially since Amazon sells knives, swords, and night-vision goggles. As well as books on making explosives.

Be sure to check your local ordinances before further exploration of the subject.

One of my favorite television heroes is a whiz with his set of lock-picks. Shall we repeat his mantra? Yes, lets. “Work the lock, don't think about the undead radioactive bikini-babes/bee-shooting dogs/Staypuft marshmallowman . Work the Lock.” Have you guessed who he is? None other than the mustachioed Private Investigator, Thomas Magnum. His example has inspired me and my dreams. Not only do I want to learn how to pick locks and flaunt the law, I also want to sleep with a different girl every week, free-load in a mansion in Hawaii, drive someone else's Ferrari and sponge off of my friends whenever I need help. As I already have the chest hair, I think that the first step in achieving my dream is learning how to work a set of picks. Or maybe growing a mustache.

God, I'm gonna need to get a load of ugly Hawaiian shirts. But there are always sacrifices to be made to get those things we all want.

Here's to dreams!

Global Warming – As I always picture these scenarios to resemble the Kevin Costner movie WaterWorld, where people are floating across the vast stretches of ocean, unable to find land, I'm not too sure how useful being able to pick locks will be while living on a boat. A boat that probably doesn't have too many locks. Then again, some of our buildings are rather tall, and at least a few of them will rise above sea level like veritable Rocks of Gibraltar. If that's the case, with a little needle-work, you too will be able to have yourself a nice oceanside apartment! 2/5

Any other scenario that involves relatively intact modern buildings (which is most of them) – I think I've already made my case for this. Hell, I think I even managed to inspire some of you to grow a mustache and wear Hawaiian shirts. Those will really help when you're hiding from Zombie Hitler. And if they do find you, odds are that they won't want to eat someone gay enough to combine a mustache and Hawaiian shirt into one style. Nazis are funny like that.

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