Sunday, October 31, 2010

Parkour, it's like dancing in the streets!

Number 1, Cardio. No wait, that was Zombieland. Cardio, the ability to run for distances and keep running without feinting from exertion is a good skill to have in everyday life. Sadly, I don't really run anymore, and haven't much since high school. I walk briskly instead. And then I take a nap. Maybe a nap before hand too. But cardio is a good asset. Good, but not fantastic. Besides, it's virtues have been covered in full elsewhere.

Actually first on the list, and last that I'll probably get to, is Parkour(Daddy's lazy). Also known as free running. Parkour combines feats requiring upper and lower body strength as the adherent is expected to quickly and easily tackle any obstacles that might leap up into their paths. In the words of Teddy, Over, under, or through - but never around. The exercise not only improves strength and general fitness and endurance, but it also sharpens the mind as the athlete is forced to make decisions on their feet while running towards an abyss.

Parkour been everywhere these last few years, because it is hella-impressive to a nation of couch-potatoes. You recall the opening sequence to the Casino Royale remake with Danial Craig? Damn right you do. Where they were running and climbing all over and through that building site? Parkour baby.

For those of you who haven't seen Parkour, and those who have and want to see some more, here is a taste. Pretty damn cool huh? Did you see how he SpiderManned that building? All to that crazy French rap music? Insane! Tell me that skill wouldn't come in handy. The problem is, that dude is in hella-good shape. My muscles are sore from just watching.

But now you see my problem. I'm a fat, lazy American, and mastering the art of Parkour would require a lot of breathing hard and sweating. And not the good kind (read masturbation – Another important skill for the apocalypse – But you won't be seeing it here, since I'm already pretty damn good at it – you're shocked I see. But really, no need to worry about that at all. In fact, if you have a group of survivors sadly lacking that skill-set, feel free to send them my way, I'd love to turn that passion into full time work. No, I don't do videos). So, hand me that big mac and give me a tv guide. Lemme invest in a jet-powered segway instead. Walking and climbing are for chumps.

Zombies – Anything that allows you to avoid the hordes of the walking dead is definitely a skill worth having. Parkour would be immensely helpful in a zombie uprising, no matter what type of zombies the director decided to throw at you. Slow or fast. It seems to be generally established that Zombies can't climb. They suck like that. Eat brains, sure, but you can outwit them with the same tactics that you might use to thwart those lazy bastards who sit around in those chair-dealies with the big wheels. So, you were in town looking for your high school sweetheart who you just began talking to again a couple weeks before. You get your dumb ass cornered by a pack of zombies. Slowly they shuffle forward, stretching their hands out to take hold of your precious, tasty flesh. When all of a sudden you bust a move and back-flip up a five story wall to the roof. Boom, you're out of range. Just don't get too cocky, since 95% of the world's population has been converted to hungry corpses. 5/5

Global Warming – You're on a boat. On a boat. Look at you, you're on a mother fucking boat. Parkour is a lot less impressive when there aren't any huge buildings to scale. Sure, you might be able to climb the mast a couple times here and there. Sure, there would be buildings in most of the world's major cities that would jut from the surface of the ocean. Being able to climb those buildings in a dramatic way conceivably might come in handy. If you were dumb enough to approach. I have to imagine that the currents around the pillars would be treacherous at best. Really, what sort of loot is there in a office building that might be that valuable to boat dwellers? The copier/fax machine in Ted's office? Shah. 1/5.

Alien invasion – I'm at a loss for this one. Have the cities been turned into pools of slag? Do you want to do anything flashy, like a leap turned backwards somersault off of a roof onto the lawn below? Sure, parkour might be useful when you're being chased down by an extermination squad. At least at first. But I'm pretty sure those bastards have mastered the art of powered flight. I mean, they got here after all didn't they? Best to just keep your head down and learn to sneak around and hide. 2/5

Resource Wars – In a world without a lot of automobiles on the street, being fast on your feet will always be an advantage. The rules are about the same as the zombie uprising, though with fewer cannibalistic walking corpses and more hard-core gay leather bondage gangs roaming the land. Is that a win? I guess if you're into the gay BDSM scene. Personally? I'm going to start doing more pull-ups and maybe take up jogging. Feeling the wrath of Spike's riding crop is about as appealing as getting bitten by a staggerer. Less so, since I imagine that any effective lubricants will have become as scarce as gasoline not long into the collapse. This sucks. Why can't we have a Hooters Girls apocalypse? 5/5

Nuclear Exchange – Picture this. There's a big bright flash. The world burns. Cities are in ruins. You're scavenging in the bones of New York after the dust settles when you happen across a gang of radiated dwarfs. They see you, and give chase, and suddenly it looks like that scene from Jackass 2. Except they're dressed like clowns and carrying knives. Not to mention their intent to rape all of your holes and then eat your flesh. They have you cornered on the roof, as more and more of the gang creeps out of vents and holes. Radioactive Midget Clowns, they're everywhere, can't stand them. Think of how it would torque those little buggers if you took a flying leap, flipped, landed on a roof fifteen feet and rolled to relative safety? The only downside here is that you'd have to goto one of those dwarf-gang-infested, radioactive cities to show off your mad moves. Offer null and void if the glowing midget clowns have giant rats for steeds. Then you're fucked. Sure, parkour will come in handy in urban settings. But urban settings, though likely sources of supplies, will be prime targets for nuclear bombs, thus they'll still be glowing for sometime after the flash. 4/5

Monday, October 25, 2010

Cleverly Titled First Post

The end times are upon us. The Apocalypse is nigh. The world that we know is about to be no longer. Maybe. The Lunatic Fringe is rather divided on the whole why and how of the actual details of our demise, but rest assured it's nary far off.

Nutters like Glenn Beck seem to think that we're right on the precipice now, that Jesus is coming and that he's going to push the government over for not doing what Glenn...Jesus taught them to do. Which is, not to help the poor, buy gold, and give money back to the rich. It's all in the Bible. Yep, America is going to hell inna handbasket! And it's all our fault for not voting for Jesus in the last, or any other elections. Our nation is doomed for turning our collective backs on God and blah blah blah blah. The Puritans believed the same thing about England at around 1600, causing them to flee before the Almighty bitch-slapped that sleazy shithole back to the stone-age.

Well, talk about getting off on the ground floor. After the exit of the Puritans England became the most powerful nation on the planet, and a major world dominating super-power for some two centuries. They still have yet to be crushed under the hand of God for their deviant ways. Cheerio old Girl and let's go do some dogging!

Meanwhile elements on the left point at global warming, and the Mayan Death Calender and what-ever else they can find to prop up their belief that we're quickly going to kill ourselves with our own collective greed and selfishness. Or maybe the aliens will come and kill us because of our collective greed and selfishness. I've read too many websites to be certain beyond the fact that OMFG WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!1!!

Personally, I think the final sign will be Sarah Palin uttering the words "I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. You betcha!" So, January of 2013 at the earliest. Hopefully not before early 2017, (Rather, hopefully never. NEVER.) when we get into the Nuclear war with France over they're UnAmerican / ProFrench attitudes. And after all we did for them during the French Revolution world war one, what-ever. The ungrateful Bastards. The end will probably come after she refuses to retreat and instead reloads the missile launch tubes.

A pity George Carlin is no longer with us. I'd love to see what his reaction is to our dark and dreary times. Somewhere between Yesterday, and 2016(possibly) this globe is going to be radically changed and everything that we know will disappear. Or maybe not. But better to err on the side of caution eh?

By my calculations I have a little time to spare. So long as i get off my fat lazy ass and get to work. I'm doomed. Whatever happens, society will collapse, and my ebay account will be even more useless. Time to brush up on those important life skills. There are a wide variety of skills I need to master. Or at least assemble more than a vague idea of what the hell is supposed to be happening. After all, when 95% of humanity is obliterated, there will be a helluva lot of cool jobs available.

Sod it. Specialization is for Insects.

I don't know if it will be zombies, or global warming that gets us in the end. Or maybe we just burn ourselves with a nuclear exchange. I guess I'll be measuring each and every skill up against the different scenarios I can think of.

Zombie Uprising - You know the drill. Something, whatever, causes the dead to get up and walk. That's scary. Dead things shouldn't get up and walk around. That's all part of being dead. Worse yet, they seem rather intent on eating things, especially people. Tens of millions of abominations roam the streets, driven by their most basic instincts. That's slow zombies mind, cause with fast ones, I'm boned. Maybe I'll meet a fiery latina chick who's packing a pair of smoking .45s and a body to match. Being that I'm the last man on the planet, she might even give me the time of day. After we've had that awkward first meeting where we almost kill one another, and then grow to respect each other's skills after a series of dangerous encounters with the walking dead and the driving soon-to-be-dead(Did I mention she was a biker slaying badass?) Oh yes, I likes the odds, come on zombies!

Global Warming - The hippies were right, we should have invested in electric car technology and solar/wind power sooner. Fucking hippies. With suddenly racheted up global temperatures the polar ice caps seem to have gone and melted. And now wouldn't you know it, the Dakotas are under a hundred feet of sea water. Kind of crappy, because A) I hate seafood and B) I get seasick. But thems the digs when you mess with mother nature. Hell, If Kevin Costner can deal with it and grow a set of gills to boot, how hard can it be?

Alien Invasion - So, after decades of searching and wondering, we've finally made contact with ET. They crossed the vast light years through the emptiness of space to make contact with our puny species. Then, after we've clearly trashed our planet worse than a rockstar in a cheap hotel room in Cleveland after a lousy gig. The dicks. Well, we've either been annihilated or rounded up and sold into slavery. Whichever, yours truly has dibs on leading the resistance. Hail to the king baby.

Resource Wars - Imagine battling it out with roving gangs of bikers for just a few drops of juice. I know, that was the plot of Mad Max, but hell who can resist? Especially with ever rising gas-prices? Hell, we might be down to bicycles and our own feet. With the smart ones getting high-tech equine burden systems - Horses.

Nuclear exchange - This one isn't that difficult to imagine is it? I mean it's right out of the nightmares of anyone who grew up in the 50s. 60s. 70s. And 80s. Two nuclear powers decide to slug it out with doomsday devices that would give the Perilous Dr. Frakktacular a joygasm just to see in a catalog. Cities disappear in great balls of nuclear fire, shaking our nerves and rattling our brains. A race of intelligent mutant frogs take over the wastelands, and the remnants of the cities are held by vicious gangs who have a strange tendency to throw together their uniforms out of what-ever strange cast-offs that come into their hands. Really, they look like punk hookers who frequent the dumpster behind the Goodwill, but don't tell them that, all the fall out leaves them feeling a mite delicate.

Next time? Skill numero Uno.