Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Sweet Bludgeony goodness. Like mom usta make!

Warhammers. And why I favor them for the Zombie Apocalypse. First, take a look at this video. That's right, a large man beating on things with a warhammer. I've linked it before in at least one of the previous blogs. I love watching destruction set to heavy electric guitar riffs.

The warhammer evolved during the reign of plate mail armor as a way to counteract the heavy steel plates that would deflect swords and the like. The leverage of the heavy head at the end of a long handle creates a lot of force and power, especially when focused on a small area, like the front face of the hammer. Those steel plates would crumple like tinfoil when pitted against a warhammer wielded by a strong arm. This is what makes it ideal for me against the zombie hordes. A single blow can shatter a skull, killing the zombie instantly, or crush the bones and slow it down. Very little finesse is needed. No need to aim for the neck, or other small targets.

The warhammer, unlike the sword is easy to manufacture. Either as a cobbled together weapon made in a pinch or as a weapon crafted by a smith. A good sword can take a skilled smith weeks of work to make. One sword. Conceivably A hammer head can be easily cast out of molten steel. It may not be the highest quality hammer ever made, but it would be fast to manufacture and mass produce making it easy to replace. If the handle breaks, you just need to find another treebranch and wittle it down to size.

Ok, so you have a hammer. Sweet. Now for the daily maintenance of your weapon. Has the shaft cracked? Is the head loose? No? Then you're in good shape. You have time for that nap. The hammer is, at least in my mind – and I could be wrong, a low-maintenance tool. As a bludgeon, it doesn't require sharpening like the blade of a sword/knife/axe in order to retain it's function.

The only downside I can really think of for the warhammer is that it requires a lot of room to properly operate. Wielding a warhammer is simple. Swing it up over your head and then bring it down onto your target. Enjoy the wonderful cracking sound as bone shatters. But that upswing requires room over your head to work. Working the hammer inside cramped spaces might be all but impossible. Which is where a sword would come into it's own, as it is more versatile. My thought is to add a pointed spike to the top of the hammer. Or maybe a blade. Then you can crush and stab. Merry Christmas!

I've thought about this for a long time. I think that's clear. And rather pathetic. No time wasted exploring the deeper meaning of the universe, or thinking about boobies. No, I was rating medieval weaponry for the coming zombie uprising. I gave one of the characters in my zombie apocalypse series a warhammer. It seemed cool to me, and was more utilitarian and functional than say a katana or battle-axe. As well as generally looked over by geek culture and its fascination with bladed weapons.

This is all assuming that lightsabres are still unavailable.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

A sword in the hand is like two in the face. I guess.

I do not wish to ever utter/scream the phrase “Oh shit I gone done stabbed myself” in any of its variations. Same goes for cutting, bludgeoned and so forth. As I see it, lopping off your own limbs isn't conducive to long life, and it just makes you look like an inept asshole. Chicks dig scars and war wounds, or so I'm told, but I have my doubts that cutting a chunk out of your own leg will help you score some honey in the local watering hole Saturday night. Unless it's one of those kick ass apocalypse where most of the male half of the species is killed by a mysterious plague. You know the ones, when even the Bastard Child of Carrot Top and Yahoo Serious beds a different Hooters girl every night.

Come on only man left alive apocalypse!

But with my luck, I'd wind up in one of those post-apocalyptic matriarchal societies that is rather hostile towards we XYers. Has to do with destroying the world or some such. So yeah, instead of roaming the lands making babies, I'll end up a hunted fugitive. Or maybe as an animal locked in a cage for children to gawk at.

Any object can be used as a weapon, all it takes is the will to hurt or kill. I've seen enough wrestling to know that a folding chair in the right hands is one impressive implement of destruction. A weapon is a tool like any other, and it's always good to know how to use your tools. With a little hard work you could be instead of a child finger-painting, you could be a Rembrandt...well maybe a Pollock... as you cleave, slice and bludgeon your way through the ranks of your unwitting enemies.

We as human beings have developed a large array of devices with which to cleave, maim, disembowel, burn, impale and generally hurt one another. We're not a very pleasant species when it comes down to it. But then, most of the smarter animals seem to be dicks too. Chimps wage wars one one another, killing for territorial rights. Dolphins murder porpoises on sight and for no understood reason – not for food, they just attack on sight. Yet we rule the roost, for we were the first to make use of the club and then later the pointed stick and finally the bow and arrow. The nice thing about these ancient implements of ass-kickery is that they never run out of ammunition. Sure, your +0 Machette might bend and break, and you'll have to sharpen it after heavy use, but until it fails you'll always have a functioning weapon at hand. You'll never raise your battle-axe overhead only to hear an empty click, forcing you to reload.

Of course, you don't want This to happen to you. Especially if you have asshole friends who have access to video cameras. So time to eat your Wheaties and learn how to swing a battle axe without cutting your foot off. Doesn't sound too difficult you say? Well, most warriors in the past would begin their training as children, and hope to master their trade of bloodshed and battle by the time they reached adulthood. I gotta feeling that there aren't many alive in this day and age who say the same.

No, your mastery of Assassin's Creed doesn't get you credit here bub. It just gets you stabbed in the face and eaten by the zombie horde. That's ok, you can always hit reset and enter the Code and get those thirty lives you forgot before. Oh, wait, that doesn't work in real life. Oh well, I'm sure you'll think of something, maybe plugging in an aim bot.

Combine Parkour, Martial Arts and Weapons Training and you're pretty much a Ninja. How's that for a triumvirate of badassitude? To complete your training, all you'll need to do is learn to fly. That'll be addressed later on.

Global warming – There's going to be pirates. There are always pirates on the sea. It's a law of nature. Ice is cold and pirates infest the world's oceans. Here's where we run into trouble. The Pirate's natural enemy is the ninja. Ninjas live on dry land, and there is no more dry land. So there won't be anyone to keep the pirate fleets in check. Remember to pack plenty of Katanas and black pajamas. 4/5

Zombie Uprising - The Eminent and most Respected Sage Max Brooks suggests adopting peasant style weaponry when battling the undead hordes. Peasant weapons are simple to learn and carry into battle. And you can about find them anywhere, or even make them yourself should you have the need. This makes sense, especially for a world where most of us aren't trained in the martial arts from a young age. He seems to have forgotten, though, that you don't fight zombies. There is no finesse to it. You sever the head from the body and destroy the brain to put the creature down. That is in and all. Whether your tool of choice is a katana or a machete or a wood axe, it all is a matter of what feels the most comfortable in your hand. You don't see too many samurai zombies running about fighting duels, so you shouldn't expect to need to be a blademaster to hold your own against a few zombies. But some hands on experience will be good for you when you step out onto your lawn to kill those commie corpses back dead again! Make Max Brooks proud! 3/5

Alien Invasion – Key phrase: Light sab... Energy Swords. The key to success here is energy swords. They come in all shapes and sizes and are hella-helpful against Plantlife, animals, and cyborgs. Now you've seen the video of the dude mishandling a regular sword to his folly and our twisted amusement. I linked it earlier. Go back and take a look. That was with ordinary steel of doubtful quality. Imagine the outcome if he had been playing with a big boy sword instead. Oh yeah, that video would have gotten a million views, and won the America's Funniest Home Videos. Even over the old guy getting kicked in the groin. Heh. You know what, I want to see that. 0/5 No really, you should get some laser swords and camcorders and show the world your mad skills. We'll be impressed, I promise.

Nuclear Holocaust – In the end, after the flash, hopefully warfare will become rather more conventional. Our vast stores of ammunition for our fancy firearms won't last long, those that aren't consumed in nuclear fire. Whatcha got left? A pointed stick. Or whatever bit of sharpened metal you can find. You used your last shotgun shell weeks ago. You've been out of gas for the Chainsaw-chucks even longer. But you still have your sweet sweet cane, the one with the sword inside. So it's all good. Better when you get to skewer the dude wearing naught but a pair of assless chaps and football shoulder pads. Pimptastic brother, show that jive turkey who the man is. 5/5

Resource Wars – If there's one thing you can count on it's the abundance of iron in our planet's crust. The Earth's core is made of iron and nickel, or so say the scientists who study these things, and who am I to question their knowledge. I majored in History. Well, there are countless tons of iron in them there hills. And tons more timber atop them. Wood for smelting the iron and making steel. Enough to equip an army if only we were to harvest.... wait a minute... that's the mindset that got us into trouble in the first place. Well fuck. Assuming that we learned our lesson on squandering our valuable natural resources, Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you 'The Rock'. This year's model is a smooth igneous disk about the size of a child's hand. Useful for either throwing or with proper flint-knapping techniques, a hand-axe. The perfect companion piece to the Craftsman special Pointed-stick. 4/5

Human beings are always going to be assholes, and if you can't defend yourself then you better watch your asshole. I myself am going to get some rope, a pair of chainsaws, and some luck and make the most fearsome (and stupid) weapon the world has ever seen. ChainsawChucks.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Soil + Seed + Water = Food. A simple equation.

Most living creatures that I've encountered, Human beings included, are open systems. We need energy to survive, but we don't manufacture that energy our own selves. We take an outside fuel source and chemically convert it into energy. Plants for instance feed off of the sun's energy. The rest of us are parasites on the plants, or parasites on the parasites. Comforting thought isn't it.

More so with the additional realization that in many climates the fall's harvest will have to hold the farmer and everyone who relies on them until the next fall harvest (Though I believe that there are many crops that can be planted for harvest in early summer.)

One of the limiting factors that haunts every species on the planet is food. There are fewer carnivores than herbivores, as the former feed on the latter. Herbivores in turn are exponentially outnumbered by the plants that they feed on. And parasitic vines that feed on mammals that get to close to the sacred pyramid? Well they just suck - back to the point at hand though. We're all limited by how much food we can collect for ourselves and our offspring. Unless we result to cannibalism, and who hasn't thought about eating a baby from time to time. So succulent.... I bet with a nice marinade made of garlic, Worcestershire sauce and a good wine would do wonders for the little buggers.

Back in the days of yore. Well before yesterday. Hell, even before last Monday! Way back when, at the dawn of our species, we survived as hunter-gatherers. Meaning that we killed animals and picked berries for food. In essence, whatever we found we kept. That's great when the world was young and you couldn't throw a stone without killing a moose or six, and every second step saw you tripping over a bush laden with juicy berries. Those were the days. But we're not a bright species, and we have a tendency to over-do things and shit where we eat. So, we ate all the moose and picked those bushes clean and then starved to death. Great for nature – as it kept us from overwhelming the surface of the earth. Briefly.

Then some genius had the brilliant idea that they wouldn't eat all the seeds that they had collected. Instead they would put some in the ground and let them grow. Reap the harvest, rinse and repeat. Pretty damn simple. They began a cycle that we've been following ever since, though the number of farmers have dropped dramatically in the last decades, even from what they were a mere century ago.

As the years passed farmers honed their skills, and improved the plants they farmed by selective breeding. Basic genetic engineering, we've been doing it for years.

In one of the high schools I attended back in the day, they offered Agriculture classes. Four years worth – as the town was surrounded by farms and the school system was full of farm kids. Four years of Ag. That they have four years worth of information to instill should tell you something right there. That's not to mention the four year degrees that are offered in some rural colleges. From the different types of soil and fertilizers for the maximum output, to diseases and other pests that will lessen your harvest, there are a lot of factors that go into making growing food successful. Better get some practice gardening.

A lot of the ground work has been laid here. There's a lot of knowledge to be had. Wish I would have taken one or two of the classes, but I didn't expect to ever need farming. What a fool I am. We've gotten well beyond 'put seeds in dirt – wait – eat'. Wtf? I want a three step process to growing food! Where I just plant a couple of those frozen burrito trees and come back and pick them when they're right and pop em into the microwave.

For those of you that count Bacon as a vegetable keep in mind that we humans are omnivores, capable of eating both plants and animals. Sure, broccoli might not be as appealing as a hamburger, but that's why God bestowed upon us the gift of Cheese, to impart savor unto all the unappealing greens that grow on the earth. Cheese rules. You ever had one of those Chicago Style Stuffed pizzas? They have like an inch of cheese, with the various toppings layered underneath, with the sauce on top. Think that sounds upside down? Well eff you blasphemer!

But it takes a few steps in the skill-tree before you're allowed to take 'cheese making'. First you need to master basic farming, followed by animal husbandry. With a few ranks in dairy mastery to boot. But, all that work is worth it when you get your first wheel of cheddar. Hell, I forgot about the sauce! We're gonna need to put in a few rows of tomato plants.

What am I still doing here? I'm need to go get me some cows, for when the apocalypse finally arrives, I don't want to give up the pizza goodness.

This'll be a cake walk. Especially after I get the cake vines producing.

Zombie Uprising – Nothing has changed, you still need food to survive. Unless you're a zombie. Then all you're going to want to do is eat brains, and that's more of a hunter-gathering activity than it is farming. Unless you're one of those mutated smart zombies, and you breed humans and keep them in pens. You damned dirty zombies. Enslaving the warm-blooded folks like cattle! Don't worry my people! The resistance will save you! Unless the super intelligent mutant zombies figure us out and sneak a mole into our ranks... ZOMBIES!!!!!! DAMN YOU! 5/5.

Global Warming - A planet covered in oceans. Prime farm land is gonna be hella-scarce. Unless your ride is an aircraft carrier, planting surface crops won't be too helpful. Which is bad, because we need those delightful vitamins that plants so easily provide, to do things like prevent our teeth from falling out. Sad day. Better learn to love sushi, because I think that seaweed and salmon farms are about to explode. I hate fish. 3/5

Alien Invasion – Well, we are going to need food. I think that's been established so far. Food provides us with the strength to fight. ET isn't going to give us a food pantry, unless they're doing one of those 'fattening us up so that they can eat us' sort of deals. At which point I see anorexia coming into fashion amongst the freedom fighters of the world. Good thing potatoes are easy to grow and rugged as hell. Did you know that you can grow potatoes in garbage bins filled with sawdust? They aren't exactly difficult to cultivate. Makes you wonder what the hell the Irish were doing... 5/5

Nuclear Apocalypse – Mutations can be good things. Assuming that the fallout doesn't give rise to an army of intelligent plants intent on getting revenge on the monkeys who burned th earth. And for the grievous insult that is Ranch Salad Dressing. We've dug our own hole with a ranch bottle. But, sooner or later our stores of canned food will begin to wear thin. When we're down to Spaghetti-Os and Dogfood, you can keep the Spaghetti-Os. That stuff is shit in a can. With a little luck, those plant mutations will be beneficial rather than aggressive and vengeful, and we can leave the stock of Spaghetti-Os for a real emergency. Like one of those feed the followers poison for a grand mass suicide that typical cult leaders love. 5/5

Resource Wars – Man, the Amish are going to be rolling over in their fields laughing at us. Ja, where are your fancy cars now technology lovers? For they alone held onto the old ways of doing things, leaving them in damn good shape to take over the world when we run out of oil. Fear the Amish War Cow of future years. Now the state of Iowa alone grows enough corn to feed the entire United States. Just Iowa. The rest of our corn goes to fattening cattle and making carbonated sugared water. I have two words for you: Bio-fuel. Wait, is that two words? Or is it just one? How does the hyphen factor in? Frak. Who cares? In the future, our cars will smell like a Fast Food Joint, and it will be marvelous.

Ok, all the above scores, fairly irrelevant. The face of it is, we need food to continue living. Hunting and gathering will only take us so far and without some cultivation going on, we're doomed as a species. So take interest and plant your victory garden today and do your part to stomp the Hun/Vorlons/Lord Humungous/Pirates/Retail Workers. Buy Pocalypse Bonds today!

Me? I'm gonna try to find a copy of Farming for Dummies.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Just a little list - Because I felt lazy.

Possessions and tools are important to our species. They're what gave us our edge and allowed us to prosper and thrive as we have, and then take over the world like a virus only to destroy ourselves. Oh, what were we thinking? Damn that ancient chimp who first sharpened a stick and made a spear and then led us here to our destruction.

Really though, a good kit will conducive to living a long life. Knowing how to fix that badass Porche Boxter you found in that garage is absolutely useless without the proper tools and replacement parts. Sure, in some situations you might be able to swing it running about empty handed and completely nude in certain situations, for a little while at least. The rest of us are going to want a full pack.

Not counting such things as food and spare clothing and other personal nick-knacks, Here are some useful odds and ends to consider:

Weapon:Firearm – I opt for the 12 gauge shotgun(pump-action). Despite Max Brooks well argued account for the M1Carbine. Sure, it is a bit big and bulky and awkward on a long march. The 12 gauge holds some major advantages though. As a weapon and a tool it can be used both for self-defense and survival. 1) They're common. Painfully so. Easy to find and replace. 2) Walmart, and many other stores across the nation carry boxes upon boxes of shells. Chalk this up to number 1, they're common. 3) With the option of Buckshot, birdshot and solid slugs the 12 gauge is a versatile and solid weapon/tool. 4). Should you run out of ammunition, it makes a good club. 5) They're simple mechanically, thus less prone to failure. And easy to operate. 6) They make that really sweet clicking sound as you cycle shells and a pair of crossed bandelaros are hella-impressive. Click-Click Boom.

Weapon: Melee - Sooooo many choices. Makes us drool Prethouth! Swords, axes, boards with nails in them. Rocks and pointed sticks. Mannequin arms, brass knuckles, a wet towel, gnomechucks. The list is endless, but let us contemplate its vastness. Which implement of destruction one opts to carry is a highly personal choice, and important as the Shotgun (or your firearm of choice) wasn't meant to use as a club for an extended duration. For the Zombie Uprising I favor the warhammer. Global Warming calls for a samurai sword (instills a huge psychological power against pirates). As for the rest, whatever I can lay my hands on. Like a nice baseball bat with a couple nails run through it.

Transportation – The most obvious choice would be your feet. Free, lightweight and attached to your legs so that you're not too likely to misplace them. You can take them anywhere over any terrain, and they are equally good in the water or on dry land. They're just not too fast, relatively speaking, and prone to getting tired and sore. Especially when all your worldly possessions are riding them all day every day. As with the weapons category there are a wide variety of options to choose from. An automobile is not only fast (on roads and flat terrain) but also provides protection from the elements, storage for your material goods, and cover to hide behind in a gunfight. The downside is that the beast is difficult to maintain, and ever hungry for gasoline. Also don't forget the complete lack of stealth that you and your Ford Pinto will enjoy on the empty streets of the world. Everyone is going to see and hear you coming from miles off. If you need to duck inside a building to avoid pursuit, you're going to have to leave the car behind. Which is like hanging a sign on the door to point the way.

Next, a nice horse. Feeds itself. Fast, hardy. Positive long term working relationship with humanity. In a horse you have a friend and companion for life. They're a lot more mobile than automobiles only need grass and oats to survive. Problem here is that they're big, and loud, and need specialized services to keep them alive and healthy.

If you want to split the difference, there's a motorcycle. They're fast, and nimble, but won't protect you from the elements or carry a lot of goods. If it breaks down, then no emotional attachment, but they're loud as hell.

Finally, we have Max Brooks' suggestion, a bicycle. One of those two wheel jobs that many people learn to ride as kids. In fact, in America at least, the bicycle is the primary mode of youth transportation up until the age of 16 when one achieves that benchmark year and wins their drivers license. Faster than walking, the bike is 100% human powered (unless you're lucky enough to get a moped). No need to find gas or fodder. The mechanics are simple and parts are easy to find and replace. If you need to hide, you can usually pick up the bike and take it with you, no problem. A bicycle will increase your speed and range and the amount of gear that you can carry. Just mind those steep hills, they're a real bugger.

This of course only scratches the surface of terrestrial vehicles and completely ignores the sea and sky. For those, you're on your own.

Outerwear – Leather. Gotta be. Not only is it stylish, and on the right body - down right sexy, but the human jaw is completely incapable of breaking through it. Plus leather will protect you from knife-wounds and the occasional spill from a motorcycle. As well as the elements in general. 4 out of 5 Pocalyptic survivors agree, wrapping yourself in cow-skin is the way to go.

Canteen – Here's what the people who move to the South West don't seem to comprehend. You can live for weeks without food. Sure, life will suck and you'll slowly loose strength and your health will begin to fail. But you can keep going. How long can you live without taking in more water? Maybe three or four days. Less if the weather is hot/dry or you're working up a sweat. Besides, in our modern age, many of our natural water sources are polluted. After years of water treatment plants cleaning our drinking water, and the FDA keeping bacteria out of our food, and soap killing the bacteria on our skin, we've lost our ability to fight off infections and what-not. Even if all the industrial pollutants were cleaned out of our water supplies, there is always some really nasty bugs out there waiting in the shallows to bite. So, when you find a nice source of clean safe drinking water – fill'er up.

Rope – I think I've made my feelings on the awesomeness of rope perfectly clear. Don't leave home without it. Hell, it can be combined with numerous items on the list to make them even better. How? Well just ask the dude wielding the shotgun-chucks.

Source of Fire – Fire. The orange flower of life. The chemical combustion of a fuel combined with air that gives off heat and light. Heat and light. Both are useful. Fire has all sorts of fabulous applications, from keeping back the darkness, to making food and water safe for consumption (not to mention more appealing to our pallets), to consuming the corpses of the dead (Zombies I am told are very flammable). We've been using fire as a servant for thousands of years. Sure, sometimes it rebels and consumes us in our arrogance, and our greatest works, but slaves will do that when you get too comfortable around them (Beware the Bovine Uprising – we're all doomed).

And Last of all: A Backpack – You only have two hands. Count em. Except you Captain Hook. Sorry. Good luck cramming the above into it.

Got all of that?

I do take donations.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

1, 2, 3 - GO!

Rock Paper Scissors. Rochambeau. A game with a hundred names and played all across the world. It was invented by Chuck Norris during the later years of the Roman Empire as a way to decide which Caesar was going to die that day. Mostly the game was only implemented when the Colosseum was closed and proper bloodsports weren't showing. Chuck had to keep the mob happy somehow. The rules haven't changed much over the years, with the minor difference that a Roundhouse Kick beating all three paper, rock and scissors. But the Chuck is the only

At least that's what the Wikipedia says. The facts are slightly suspect. We all know that Chuck was a friend of the Caesars, and helped them fight off the Nazis, alongside Indiana Jones and Mr. T. This happened on several occasions over the two thousand years that the Roman Empire stood. Facts is facts y'all.

Rochambeau was invented in Japan, purveyors of other such fine entertainment as The Super Mario Brothers, Legend of Zelda, and Rape Fantasy Six. Over the years, it has developed variations of up to one hundred choices, or so I hear. I guess some sort of bureaucracy got involved somewhere along the line and tried to make things more precise. And thus muddled up the whole process. Certainly it couldn't have been a small group of hardcore Rochambeau artists trying to ratchet up the thrill. They're like most extreme sports enthusiasts, enough is never enough. No matter how many arguments they need to have about how Bottle of Purple Gatorade fares against 1700s Antique French Armoire Done in the Classic Style. Those fuckers are hardcore.

Rochambeau is a game of skill as much as poker. Maybe more so, since without the element of random cards being tossed into the mix, winning or losing rests more on the actions of the players and their ability to read opponents, learn patterns and so forth. That alone is a valuable life skill in normal times.

Global Warming - Stuck on a boat, with the same handful of survivors day after day. Too bad the gameboy's batteries died like three years ago. And you read and re-read that one copy of Old Man and the Sea about a thousand times. Masturbation has even lost it's charm. What else to do to while away the long hours on the open ocean when the wind is out of your sails? Cabin Fever and some good old fashioned paper-rock-scissors. Over and over and over and over again, until the last one standing is so crazy that they don't mind eating their comrades. 4/5

Zombie Apocalypse – Alright guys, we're gonna need someone to go out there and lead the zombies away so that the rest of us can escape. Any takers? No? Well, guess we'll play paper rock scissors until we find a victim. I'm of course out, I'm too important – You know you're going to hear that when the end comes. At least once. Assuming that you don't suck at paper rock scissors. Then you may live to hear it several times. Who's going to go first? Who's going to guard this door as we try to weld it closed? Who gets sacrificed to the vicious gang of roving bandits as a sex toy? Rochambeau is going to come into play constantly. Better get good at it now. 5/5

Alien Invasion – So, the aliens batted aside the best weapons that our armed forces could muster. They adapted to our local diseases. They're hunting us down like the monkeys we are. What next? We act in desperation and bring out our last and most dangerous weapon. A children's game from Japan. No, not Kancho, that would only piss them off further. Though it might make for a good comic relief moment, just before Blargax the Imperator vaporizes you with the Kill-O-Zap gun in his third left hand. Your courage and utter stupidity will live on in the human race's cultural memories due to songs and farcical comedies where you'll ever be rendered as the tragic yet comical clown.

But don't worry, your friends have a plan.

And that brings us back to Paper-Rock-Scissors, and how it can be used to throw-down the alien overlords. We are an absurd species, but that game represents the pinnacle of our silliness. How the fuck does paper beat rock? Rock would totally blast through paper. Is paper covered with bad poetry written by an angst-ridden teen girl? It damn well better be to have that kind of effect. It would have to be an effin phonebook to beat rock. Rock is solid, and hard. Our music is Rock and Roll. Jesus said to build your house on a Rock. You've never heard of Dwayne 'The Paper' Johnson. Rock beats paper. Except it doesn't. With luck this very fact will throw the Overmind into an infinite loop, and the entire invasion force pops.

The Rest – I have no doubt that every other week I'll find myself a captive by one of those violent gangs of bikers that seems to wander the wastelands for no apparent reason. No reason beyond the fact that out there are vast stretches of empty land, and they need to be wandered. Someone's got to do it, so there they are. It's like delivering the mail in the here and now, or climbing mountains. One of those Dirty Jobs that Mike Rowe is always trying to find and experience. So be it. I plan to be the last solitary wander that they ever kidnap with the intent to sell into slavery. My answer? You already know. Stop asking stupid questions. Rock-Paper-Scissors.

See, my plan is so, make a nuisance of myself until they get fed up with my mulishness. At that point, offer them a game of three, they win, I go quiet, I win, I leave the way I came. With those years of practicing the art I've dedicated my life to the art of Stooge-fu, and all without knowing it. You have the slap, the eye poke and the dreaded head bonk. Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk bitches. 5/5

Rochambeau. Drop whatever you're doing, and learn it now.