Cleverly Titled First Post

The end times are upon us. The Apocalypse is nigh. The world that we know is about to be no longer. Maybe. The Lunatic Fringe is rather divided on the whole why and how of the actual details of our demise, but rest assured it's nary far off.

Nutters like Glenn Beck seem to think that we're right on the precipice now, that Jesus is coming and that he's going to push the government over for not doing what Glenn...Jesus taught them to do. Which is, not to help the poor, buy gold, and give money back to the rich. It's all in the Bible. Yep, America is going to hell inna handbasket! And it's all our fault for not voting for Jesus in the last, or any other elections. Our nation is doomed for turning our collective backs on God and blah blah blah blah. The Puritans believed the same thing about England at around 1600, causing them to flee before the Almighty bitch-slapped that sleazy shithole back to the stone-age.

Well, talk about getting off on the ground floor. After the exit of the Puritans England became the most powerful nation on the planet, and a major world dominating super-power for some two centuries. They still have yet to be crushed under the hand of God for their deviant ways. Cheerio old Girl and let's go do some dogging!

Meanwhile elements on the left point at global warming, and the Mayan Death Calender and what-ever else they can find to prop up their belief that we're quickly going to kill ourselves with our own collective greed and selfishness. Or maybe the aliens will come and kill us because of our collective greed and selfishness. I've read too many websites to be certain beyond the fact that OMFG WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!1!!

Personally, I think the final sign will be Sarah Palin uttering the words "I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. You betcha!" So, January of 2013 at the earliest. Hopefully not before early 2017, (Rather, hopefully never. NEVER.) when we get into the Nuclear war with France over they're UnAmerican / ProFrench attitudes. And after all we did for them during the French Revolution world war one, what-ever. The ungrateful Bastards. The end will probably come after she refuses to retreat and instead reloads the missile launch tubes.

A pity George Carlin is no longer with us. I'd love to see what his reaction is to our dark and dreary times. Somewhere between Yesterday, and 2016(possibly) this globe is going to be radically changed and everything that we know will disappear. Or maybe not. But better to err on the side of caution eh?

By my calculations I have a little time to spare. So long as i get off my fat lazy ass and get to work. I'm doomed. Whatever happens, society will collapse, and my ebay account will be even more useless. Time to brush up on those important life skills. There are a wide variety of skills I need to master. Or at least assemble more than a vague idea of what the hell is supposed to be happening. After all, when 95% of humanity is obliterated, there will be a helluva lot of cool jobs available.

Sod it. Specialization is for Insects.

I don't know if it will be zombies, or global warming that gets us in the end. Or maybe we just burn ourselves with a nuclear exchange. I guess I'll be measuring each and every skill up against the different scenarios I can think of.

Zombie Uprising - You know the drill. Something, whatever, causes the dead to get up and walk. That's scary. Dead things shouldn't get up and walk around. That's all part of being dead. Worse yet, they seem rather intent on eating things, especially people. Tens of millions of abominations roam the streets, driven by their most basic instincts. That's slow zombies mind, cause with fast ones, I'm boned. Maybe I'll meet a fiery latina chick who's packing a pair of smoking .45s and a body to match. Being that I'm the last man on the planet, she might even give me the time of day. After we've had that awkward first meeting where we almost kill one another, and then grow to respect each other's skills after a series of dangerous encounters with the walking dead and the driving soon-to-be-dead(Did I mention she was a biker slaying badass?) Oh yes, I likes the odds, come on zombies!

Global Warming - The hippies were right, we should have invested in electric car technology and solar/wind power sooner. Fucking hippies. With suddenly racheted up global temperatures the polar ice caps seem to have gone and melted. And now wouldn't you know it, the Dakotas are under a hundred feet of sea water. Kind of crappy, because A) I hate seafood and B) I get seasick. But thems the digs when you mess with mother nature. Hell, If Kevin Costner can deal with it and grow a set of gills to boot, how hard can it be?

Alien Invasion - So, after decades of searching and wondering, we've finally made contact with ET. They crossed the vast light years through the emptiness of space to make contact with our puny species. Then, after we've clearly trashed our planet worse than a rockstar in a cheap hotel room in Cleveland after a lousy gig. The dicks. Well, we've either been annihilated or rounded up and sold into slavery. Whichever, yours truly has dibs on leading the resistance. Hail to the king baby.

Resource Wars - Imagine battling it out with roving gangs of bikers for just a few drops of juice. I know, that was the plot of Mad Max, but hell who can resist? Especially with ever rising gas-prices? Hell, we might be down to bicycles and our own feet. With the smart ones getting high-tech equine burden systems - Horses.

Nuclear exchange - This one isn't that difficult to imagine is it? I mean it's right out of the nightmares of anyone who grew up in the 50s. 60s. 70s. And 80s. Two nuclear powers decide to slug it out with doomsday devices that would give the Perilous Dr. Frakktacular a joygasm just to see in a catalog. Cities disappear in great balls of nuclear fire, shaking our nerves and rattling our brains. A race of intelligent mutant frogs take over the wastelands, and the remnants of the cities are held by vicious gangs who have a strange tendency to throw together their uniforms out of what-ever strange cast-offs that come into their hands. Really, they look like punk hookers who frequent the dumpster behind the Goodwill, but don't tell them that, all the fall out leaves them feeling a mite delicate.

Next time? Skill numero Uno.